Work

Lawyer Jokes

I am so proud to be married to a man that is always thinking of others. LG has many wonderful traits but the one that I have been the most grateful for recently is his humility. LG always inspires me in many ways but the things I love about him most are 1-his kindness, 2-his humility, and 3-is a toss up between his intellect and his sense of humor.

When LG does pass the bar, he is going to open his own legal practice. To have his own business while simultaneously helping people will be a dream come true for LeGrand. I have to admit though that I am worried that his altruism will put us in the poor house. But, I do know that if we can be humble and diligent, that even if LG does give away too much free legal advice, the Lord will provide for us.

Now that my loyal readers have forged their way through the mush above (Man, I hate that stuff, but it will get me some needed brownie points – I have been blogging and slacking way too much lately) here are some good lawyer jokes. If I would have known 5 years ago that I was signing up for a lifelong affinity with lawyer jokes, I may have insisted LG take a different career path, but, hey, I guess somebody has to listen to the jokes. (I didn’t say we have to laugh)

At LG’s graduation one of the speakers told a good one: “I have quit telling lawyer jokes. Lawyers have heard them all and don’t think they are funny and no one else thinks they are jokes.”

A DOCTOR AND A LAWYER

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, “How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?””Just send a bill for such advice” replied the lawyer.On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a $50 bill. That afternoon he received a $100 bill from the lawyer.

BRAIN STORE:

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a
sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular
brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.”How much does it cost for engineer brain?””Three dollars an ounce.””How much does it cost for programmer brain?””Four dollars an ounce.””How much for lawyer brain?””$1,000 an ounce.””Why is lawyer brain so much more?””Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?”

THE LAWYER AND THE DEVIL

The devil visited a lawyer’s office and made him an offer. “I can arrange some things for you, ” the devil said. “I’ll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, and their children’s souls rot in hell for eternity.”The lawyer thought for a moment. “What’s the catch?” he asked.

GATES OF HEAVEN

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gatesof Heaven,
and the angel standing there said, “We’ve been waiting along time for you.””What
do you mean,” he replied, “I’m only 45, in the prime of my life.Why did I have
to die now?””45? You’re not 45, you’re 82,” replied the angel.”Wait a minute. If
you think I’m 82 then you have the wrong guy.I’m only 45. I can show you my
birth certificate.””Hold on. Let me go check,” said the angel and disspeared
inside. Aftera few minutes the angel returned. “Sorry, but by our records you
are 82.I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be
82.”

DROWNING

If two lawyers were drowning, and you could only save one ofthem, would you read the paper or go to lunch?

STRANGE

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, “Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.” The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, “Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: “That’s Strange!”

and finally:

LIGHTBULB

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “The Lawyer”, and the party of the second part, also known as “The Light Bulb”, do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties.

The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.

2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (“Receptacle”), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part(“New Light Bulb”). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as “The Firm”.

Grandma Dorothy

When I recently wrote a story about my mom, I spoke of how my mom learned to love people from her mom. I absolutely adored my really amazing grandma, Dorothy. I am blessed to come from a family of loving and caring people. Ever since my mom’s mom died in 2006, I have wanted to write about Grandma Dorothy. Shannon’s post about her Grandpa Charlie inspired me even further.
I will try and make this short because my post about my mom was SOOOOO long. As long as I preface this story with the idea that sometimes life’s greatest lessons are taught in an instant I will not feel like I have chided Grandma by making this shorter.
Grandma and all of her family were very poor. Grandma came from a different generation however and because she was poor, she felt an even greater need to keep what she did have spotless, tidy and ironed. Grandma was meticulous in the way she lived her life. She was truly beautiful inside and out. I only wish that I actually owned a picture of her younger. She was a knockout.
So, grandma never had much of anything her entire life. My mother was grandma’s oldest child. When my mom and her sister started working and making their own money, they had a grand idea. They would treat grandma to a day on the town and buy her a nice coat at a good department store. My mom and her sister were so excited to give grandma this treat.
So, it was a huge dissapointment to my mom and her sister when they went to the department store and were treated very rudly by a flippant saleswoman. The woman seemed so snotty and was so rude to my grandmother that my mom and aunt dragged her out of the store swearing that they would never shop there again.
When they got out to the street, grandma asked Mom and Aunt Shirley if they would take her to the five and dime store. Grandma went into the store and bought a nice scarf with a little box and ribbon. She got out of the store and wrapped it up and told Mom and Aunt Shirley to follow her. To the chagrin of mom and her sister, Grandma marched right back into the department store. Grandma was focused on her one task: to find the sales clerk that had treated her so badly. She walked right up to her and handed her the present. Grandma said, “Sweety, I thought that you must really be having a bad day, and so I got you something. It isn’t much, but I hope it will make you smile.”
The clerk looked absolutely astonished and ashamed. Tears filled her eyes as she opened the scarf. Mom and Aunt Shirley were looking on still feeling like Grandma was way too nice. The clerk cleared her throat and choked out the words, “I am so sorry for the way I acted to you. My husband died last week and I just haven’t been myself.”
Of course Grandma wrapped her arms around her and then proceeded to give her a pep talk.
And whenever I get down, all I have to do is think about my Grandma and the endless amount of pep talks she has also given to me in word and letter. Grandma was the most amazing letter writer. Grandma always made me feel like I could do anything. I hope that I can learn to kill them everyone with kindness, just like her.
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Right on Target


So, I had a short stint as a cashier at Target this year. Wow, was that enjoyable! If you ever need to be motivated to go back to college, just go and take a $7/hr job that deals with the public and retail during the holidays.

I have no idea why, but I have always had this dream of being a cashier ever since I was a little girl. I always loved to play grocery while growing up. I think I dreamed of being a cashier because it combines things that I love: meeting different people, working at a fast pace, pounding on a keyboard, and organizing (you can’t put the bacon in with the Tampax now, can you?) It only took two shifts for me to totally outlive my dream of being a cashier. Well, as LeGrand says, “It’s a good thing you got that cashier stint out of your system because I am on the virge of making the big bucks.” Time shall tell. When LG is a millionaire, I don’t think he will want a Target cashier for his trophy wife.

Well, anyhow, it is late and I am tired and I want to get to the funny part of my story. There were many things that happened funny at Target. I may remember all of them someday. There were also many unfunny things that happened to me at Target, like the day I left a customer in my checkout line with a quart of spilled chocolate milk. What person did I find to help me on my third day…the only person not working…the HR lady….what did she do….She exclaimed, “You left a spill, didn’t you watch that training video?” Oh, yeah, I vaguely remember that video that said to never leave a spill…but, if no one else is willing to help, how in the world will it ever get cleaned up unless you walk away and get some cleaning stuff? And, I had asked the customer to stay there and watch it. It was her own darn fault for handing the bottle to that darn toddler to chuck it down on the ground at least 5 times.

Well, you know I became the expert Target cashier because on my next to last shift when a woman urinated all over my checkout line, I didn’t move a muscle. I stood there like a statue and flipped my blinking light until my team lead came and took care of the situation (Yes, he took care of it alright – he told me, he would watch the spill while I ran to clean it up…yes, the joy of being management- another reason to go to college or work at Target for 10 years straight after getting your GED – And, he was quite helpful – he said, “You may want to get some Lysol off the shelf for this one”)

So, the short funny story. One evening, a woman came through. She was purchasing a bunch of “for kids only” stuff, including mylicon drops and detangling spray. Now, you know my goal in working at Target was to make sure everyone left with a smile. (not because Target told me to, just because I like to make people smile.) Now, if any guest left with a laugh, then I would be able to come home feeling really underpaid. (there is no feeling that can compare to being underpaid)

So, I strike up a conversation with this woman as I check her out. “Have you used this stuff before”, I ask as I chuck her mylicon drops in the bag. “I have three daughters and have never tried it.” She says, “Oh yeah, if you have three daughters you have to have it. You epecially need it with curly hair. You would not believe how much it helps.”

I say, “Really, curly hair, I have never heard that before. I have only heard that there is a link between babies with hair and a pregnant mother’s heartburn.” At which points she starts cracking up. I say, “I can’t believe that, children with curly hair have more gas than those with straight. That would explain why I have never needed those mylicon gas drops, all my girls have pretty straight hair. Who knew.” I keep going with, “Well, they did get some gas when they were really little; I wonder if that is when their hair was curlier.” She just laughs even harder, at which point she takes the bottle of Detangling Spray out of the bag. She says, “I thought you were asking me if I have used this stuff before, not the Mylicon drops.”

I am sure that my face turned a brighter shade of red then my beautiful Target polo. At which point, I started cracking up. I had no reason to be embarassed, she was loving this funny conversation. As a few other people around us started laughing too, my shirt immediately flushed back to it’s normal color, which is roughly the same shade of my Target khaki pants. Now, don’t you think that they should have given me a raise to at least $7.50/an hr. I made at least 6 people laugh that night, not to mention the skill of making my skin the same colors as my uniform.

$100 Bonus
 

Here is my traffic violation in art form.

A few weeks back I received my first traffic violation in 13 years. If you are at an intersection and all the cars in front of you are waiting for the red light to turn green so that they can proceed directly through, it is not lawful to turn right into the gas station next to you to avoid the intersection. It is called exactly that…avoiding an intersection, and it is against the law…WHO knew?

Well, I was pretty bummed, but was delighted when I got home and LG told me that he may be able to get the ticket revoked by the traffic court judge. So, I was even more delighted when LG went with one of his boss’s last week and in my behalf did exactly that. It was the first time since coming to law school that I finally got one little perk!

So, last night, we are going over our budget and trying to figure out how in the world we are going to come up with another $7,000 to pay for another bar class and bar test. (Why do they call it a bar anyway – that sounds like LG is going to go and take a drinking class – which if he wasn’t a Mormon, he might) Needless to say, we were having a good amount of frustration. LG said to me,”Alice, I am done with the law, I have got to grow up and provide for my family. We should have called this law school thing a wash a long time ago. We just keep forking out the cash and all it has done for us is provide one $100 bonus in getting you out of a traffic violation.”

I then replied, “Well that was one powerful $100 bonus to me.” The power of being untouchable on the roads is a pretty nice perk! Now, I just can’t get a ticket for another 30 days.

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LeGrand Voyage
 
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This is a sign for some event that was being held on campus a few days before LG’s Law School Graduation. I thought it showed the appropriate mood at our house right now. We are all on a LeGrand Voyage as we await LG’s bar results. The countdown has been on for aproximately 3 months, but every second that goes by makes “passing” seem so much more important.

LeGrand said it correctly the other night, “Alice, it doesn’t matter if I was to stay up and pray all night, my future is decided by my maker.” I guess I better hand over my future also. AGH – It just seems so out of my control!!!

Well, whether or not LG has an official “future” in the law 2 days from now doesn’t change the fact that we have these three beautiful girls. They make every step of the voyage worth it. And, I guess LG is the bonus for me…a bonus that will be even better if he’s happy.

Hey Judicial LG

Hey Jude!

Alrighty, Here is the long awaited video that LG was hoping I would forget about. Hit the “Hey Jude” link above. You should have seen LG’s face when he finished helping me post this on googlevideos. It was a three way tie between total fear, complete embarassment and ‘imsofunny”. You know I have to thank LG for two things: 1 -for acting like a complete dork and 2 – You know I couldn’t have uploaded this video without his help. It only took us five days to figure out how to do it. I hope it was worth the trouble.

As I saw the embarassed smirk on LG’s face, all I could say is, “At least it’s not YouTube, right?”I think that this is absolutely hillarious, if you didn’t already know that bymy laughter that drowns out LG as a star on the video. Those of you that know LG will really enjoy it. The rest of you, may just have to suffer.

One of the best parts of the video is Uncle Dirk’s comment at the very end…it is in the background very quietly…In Uncle Dirk’s best southern boss hogg accent, “There’s a trial lawyer in you yet, boy” or something like that.

LG was totally hamming it up at Claytor Lake with the family Karoake Bar. I LOVE Karaoke! Can you tell that LG was happy to have the Bar Exam finally completed! And of course, The Beatles bring out the best in him.

Mayfield vs. Baskin Robbins



So, here in Tennessee, we have a delicacy called Mayfield ice-cream. The girls and I took a tour of Mayfield this summer. Here are the pictures of their HUGE single scoop cones. I hate to admit it, but even though I’ve lived in the south for the past four years, I still haven’t been able to force myself to convert to Mayfield.

A funny thing about Mayfield Dairy is that they package their milk in yellow gallon plastic containers. It really freaks Westerners out. They always think that the milk is orange juice. Mayfield claims that these darker containers keep their milk fresh longer. My girls drink their milk so fast that freshness is not a worry for me! But, I do thank Mayfield for the countless laughs I have gotten from visiting westerners wondering why I have 4 gallons of OJ and no milk in my fridge.

I am through and through a Baskin Robbins girl. I just can’t give up on that great 6 months of my life when I had all the ice-cream I could eat. Of course the flavors were almost endless.

I was recently reading an old stand up comic routine that I wrote. It was pretty weak, but the one good joke out of the bunch was in reference to the many odd jobs I have had in my life. I talked about what I learned working in the produce department and then UPS, and then I referred to Baskin Robbins. My words, “It was unfortunate, I had to quit; I just got sick of all 31 flavors”.

The WORK and the Glory

We spent a good proportion of May involoved with the filming of The Work and the Glory. Sophia has a short stint in the second film. She plays the three-year-old Rachel. I was such a good stage mom! We are looking forward to the film coming out in theatres. You will have to look for one in your area. With the first film it only played in a limited amount of theatres nationwide. The film is available now on DVD. I recommend it and the books by Gerald Lund.

Because Sophia was considered a “principal” actor when we were on set; they rolled out the carpets for us, as is tradition in the “acting” world. No wonder why they all have such big egos…the industry puts the actors on this awful pedestal. Although, I must say that most of the actors that we came into contact with were very down to earth and nice, especially to Sophia.

Well, as you can see, Sophia had her own trailer. Isn’t she so special? When we got home from our first day on set, Sophia and I relayed all of the details to LG and Abigail and Bella. We especially made a big deal about her trailer. Abigail got a little jealous of the attention that Sophia was getting. I called the casting director and asked if Abigail could come on as an extra one day. Cookie was really helpful towards my sibling rivalry situation and booked us in for a day.

So, a few days later, Abigail and drove up the road 30 miles to The Museum of Appalachia where they were filming The Work and the Glory II. As we drove up and saw all of the trailers (wardrobe, hair, make-up) Abigail turned to me and said in all seriousness, “Where is my trailer”? She was in for a rude awakening as we stood in the “cattle call” lines all day with the rest of the thirty or so extras. Many crew members got a few laughs as I sarcastically inquired where Abigail’s trailer was.

Abigail and I played as “extras” in a few horrendous scenes. Abigail absolutley detested the whole day and told me that she did not like acting at all. I couldn’t blame her. I hated dragging her around to play “pretend” all day. It was 80+ degrees outside and we were filming a winter scene where we had to run up and down a hill multiple times. We had to wear Pioneer petticoats, bonnets, dresses, tights, uncomfortable “issued” shoes, PLUS, winter coats and shawls. We were running after a horse, and the last time we had to ditch the poop that he had deposited just minutes before, ruining the 14th take. By the end of the 15 takes I was saying, “Where is my trailer”? Oh, the things we do for our children.

At the end of the day, Shay, the assistant casting director invited us for another day of filming; I couldn’t even seem to find any tact.(surprise, surprise!) When Shay said, “Could you come back on Tuesday?” I answered with a very loud, “NOOOOoooooo.” followed by a much too soft, “thank you!”