Lawyer Jokes

I am so proud to be married to a man that is always thinking of others. LG has many wonderful traits but the one that I have been the most grateful for recently is his humility. LG always inspires me in many ways but the things I love about him most are 1-his kindness, 2-his humility, and 3-is a toss up between his intellect and his sense of humor.

When LG does pass the bar, he is going to open his own legal practice. To have his own business while simultaneously helping people will be a dream come true for LeGrand. I have to admit though that I am worried that his altruism will put us in the poor house. But, I do know that if we can be humble and diligent, that even if LG does give away too much free legal advice, the Lord will provide for us.

Now that my loyal readers have forged their way through the mush above (Man, I hate that stuff, but it will get me some needed brownie points – I have been blogging and slacking way too much lately) here are some good lawyer jokes. If I would have known 5 years ago that I was signing up for a lifelong affinity with lawyer jokes, I may have insisted LG take a different career path, but, hey, I guess somebody has to listen to the jokes. (I didn’t say we have to laugh)

At LG’s graduation one of the speakers told a good one: “I have quit telling lawyer jokes. Lawyers have heard them all and don’t think they are funny and no one else thinks they are jokes.”

A DOCTOR AND A LAWYER

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, “How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?””Just send a bill for such advice” replied the lawyer.On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a $50 bill. That afternoon he received a $100 bill from the lawyer.

BRAIN STORE:

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a
sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular
brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.”How much does it cost for engineer brain?””Three dollars an ounce.””How much does it cost for programmer brain?””Four dollars an ounce.””How much for lawyer brain?””$1,000 an ounce.””Why is lawyer brain so much more?””Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?”

THE LAWYER AND THE DEVIL

The devil visited a lawyer’s office and made him an offer. “I can arrange some things for you, ” the devil said. “I’ll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, and their children’s souls rot in hell for eternity.”The lawyer thought for a moment. “What’s the catch?” he asked.

GATES OF HEAVEN

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gatesof Heaven,
and the angel standing there said, “We’ve been waiting along time for you.””What
do you mean,” he replied, “I’m only 45, in the prime of my life.Why did I have
to die now?””45? You’re not 45, you’re 82,” replied the angel.”Wait a minute. If
you think I’m 82 then you have the wrong guy.I’m only 45. I can show you my
birth certificate.””Hold on. Let me go check,” said the angel and disspeared
inside. Aftera few minutes the angel returned. “Sorry, but by our records you
are 82.I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be
82.”

DROWNING

If two lawyers were drowning, and you could only save one ofthem, would you read the paper or go to lunch?

STRANGE

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, “Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.” The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, “Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: “That’s Strange!”

and finally:

LIGHTBULB

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “The Lawyer”, and the party of the second part, also known as “The Light Bulb”, do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties.

The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.

2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (“Receptacle”), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part(“New Light Bulb”). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as “The Firm”.

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6 comments

  1. Hooray for lawyer jokes. Will we really have to put up with them for the rest of our lives??? Every time we see Doug’s uncle he tells us the same one. I thought You would like it. What is the difference between a lawyer and a fish? One is a scum sucking bottom dweller, and the other is a fish. har har har. 🙂

  2. Very funny! I like the first joke the best! I also enjoyed the story about your grandma-what a sweetheart. Your posts remind me that I need to do better at writing down all the wonderful things that I remember about my family. Thanks!

  3. pretty funny! And I loved the comment at graduation. that really says it all. But how do we explain Zeezrom and other Book of Mormon lawyers to our children? That’s my favorite part. Daddy’s not that kind of lawyer, we say. 🙂

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