FunnyBlog

86 wives…

…and he’s not even a Mormon.

My only question is this: how do you get to be one of the top 4? I would hate to be one of the 82 he divorces, or on second thought, I may be a little relieved.

Did I mention that Mormons outlawed the practice of polygamy in 1890. Have I ever told you that I am elated that I am a Mormon woman of the 21st century.

Oh, and the Mormons that you hear about who are polygamists, they aren’t mainstream Mormons, they are groups that have broken away from the church so they can continue to practice polygamy.

But, I tell you what, 82 other woman to do my laundry sounds good right about now.

Gender Roles

And, these pictures are here for one purpose.
I want to prove that I am teaching my girls the fine art of being a girl.
Here are all of my girls picking out their desired hair do for the school year.


And, Bella demonstrates how a girl just loves getting her hair shampooed.

While in college, LG and I took a class together called Sociology for the Family. We learned that we shouldn’t gender role our kids. For instance, give your daughters toy cars and your sons a baby doll.

I agree to a certain extent, but have been a little relieved that my girls have femininity as well as an ability to hang with the boys. I mean, for example, Abigail can tell you any character in Star Wars, and you know that’s not a normal girl thing. Sophia can kill any of your boys at Mario Kart and Bella…well, I can’t think of anything for her except for the fact that like her mother, she just doesn’t have the energy to deal with the girl drama.

Do you know what my secret wish is? I know it sounds weird, but I would love to have a daughter grow up to be a darling and cute football quarterback. About ten years ago there was one of these girls at a high school in Utah. She was the star quarterback and the Homecoming queen….I just think that is the coolest thing ever. I mean I don’t want a daughter to be a quarterback because she wants to look or act like a guy. I want her to be ALL girl and play ball with the best of the boys. And, if you think that is so crazy, please make your comment really really mean. The mean ones seem to rally even more comments.
Well, the purpose of this post. It’s my first mom’s advice post. And the advice is: don’t gender role your kids. But, please remember that you also have to teach them proper femininity/masculinity. And, if you don’t believe me, go over and read the latest post by my sister Renee.
This oldie but goodie from The Muppet Show supports my point masterfully.

Oh, and just for a bit of fun.
Here are the lyrics so you can teach your girls
(or boys – I guess)
I enjoy being a girl.
I’m a girl, and by me that’s only great!
I am proud that my silhouette is curvy,
That I walk with a sweet and girlish gait
With my hips kind of swivelly and swervy.
I adore being dressed in something frilly
When my date comes to get me at my place.
Out I go with my Joe or John or Billy,
Like a filly who is ready for the race!
When I have a brand new hairdo
With my eyelashes all in curl,
I float as the clouds on air do,
I enjoy being a girl!
When men say I’m cute and funny
And my teeth aren’t teeth, but pearl,
I just lap it up like honey
I enjoy being a girl!
I flip when a fellow sends me flowers,
I drool over dresses made of lace,
I talk on the telephone for hours
With a pound and a half of cream upon my face!
I’m strictly a female female
And my future I hope will be
In the home of a brave and free male
Who’ll enjoy being a guy having a girl… like… me.
When men say I’m sweet as candy
As around in a dance we whirl,
It goes to my head like brandy,
I enjoy being a girl!
When someone with eyes that smoulder
Says he loves ev’ry silken curl
That falls on my iv’ry shoulder,
I enjoy being a girl!
When I hear the compliment’ry whistle
That greets my bikini by the sea,
I turn and I glower and I bristle,
But I happy to know the whistle’s meant for me!
I’m strictly a female female
And my future I hope will be
In the home of a brave and free male
Who’ll enjoy being a guy having a girl… like… me.

How to be a modernized boy band
LG recently expressed his utter amazement at seeing that The New Kids On The Block are making a comeback with saying, “Alice they are a bunch of 40 year old guys dancing around. It was a little weird seeing them on every TV at Wal-Mart at the same time.”


I am not sure which is more eerie: the thought of LG watching a bunch of guys dancing at Wal-Mart or the fact that the 60 year old Wal-Mart greeter could point out and name every member of the band, even in their “twenty years later” disguise?


Either way, I am going to try and refrain from purchasing the CD…and that is said in all facetiousness.


Recently, another boy band was in town. They are a very updated version. (In fact, they are so modernized that I thought they were all dressed like they were “gay” just to find out that they were really wearing the clothes of cool skater type kids….go figure… I am old!) I had never heard of this band before; their name is Varsity Fan Club. And they are living proof that the boy band is back in all its glory. We got to watch them in person. The girls were mesmerized. Really, I was mesmerized too…in between all the photos that is. They were cute and sounded good and boy they could dance….and those are the precise reason that I know they are a boy band.


Here are some photos of them with my version of how to be a modernized boy band:
You have to have a Napoleon Dynamite look a like.
And one boy who dresses normal.

(You know the mom’s in the audience have got to have
something to remember the good old boys by.)
Wear some rad UT orange shades.

And don’t forget your hat or your friendship bracelet.

Have some pit hair.


Do the running man in sloooowww motion.

Flash some peace along while simultaneously sticking out your tongue.

Get an old school Thompson Twins T-shirt.

Kink your neck.

Wear your coolest Michael Jackson gloves of all time.

Sing into your shades instead of your mike.


Hydrate to make up for all that sweating.

Play hide and seek with your younger audience.

They love Danny The Dinosaur.

And, if nothing else works to woo the audience, bow your heads in prayer.
But, remember the cute boy doesn’t have to because he wears the stripes.


Show your audience that it is indeed possible

to dance and stretch in skinny jeans.

If your prayers didn’t work the first time, reach heavenward.

And, don’t forget your scarf.

No matter how winded you are at the end,
please don’t throw up on the audience.

Fair

It was bedtime. We told the girls how much money they would be earning from the last week. We have started giving them a dollar a week and we subtract 5 cents every time they disobey or talk back. This was mostly instituted in response to Abigail never feeling like she has any money (even though she has unlimited offers to do extra chores and earn some) and as a tool to manage our newly created pre-teen daughter.

I informed the girls that they all lost 50 cents for wasting all the body wash in the bathtub. They started going on and on about it not being fair.
LG instantly went into his lecture, “Do you want to talk about fair? Do you really want to go there? It’s not fair that mom does all the dishes, when you all dirty them? It’s not fair that mom has to wash all the clothes, when you guys dirty them. It’s not fair that mom cleaned up that whole playroom the other day when she didn’t make one bit of the mess….” (Man, LG was so convincing that I almost started crying in response to my unfair situation too)

Abigail is always looking for her opportunity to show her intellect: “Actually dad, that is fair, because those are mom’s jobs.”
So I HAD to chime in, “Alright, it’s not fair that that is my job. It’s not fair that you all got to ride your bikes today and dad and I had to walk because we can’t afford to buy ourselves bikes after paying for yours. It’s not fair that …”

LG took back over, “It’s not fair that I went to school for ten years and I still am not making any money, it’s not fair that I went to school for ten years to hate my job…it’s not fair that I am fat.”

So, I HAD to show my intellect: “Actually, honey, that last one is kind of fair.”

Bella had to show off the intellect of the youngest member of the family: “Yeah dad, you are the one that eats all the food that makes you fat.”

LG: “Well, it’s not fair that when you eat food, it makes you fat.”

Why does food have to make us fat? And, yes, there is a theme going on in my mind..it’s called we are all trying to change our lifestyle around here….it’s just not fair that we all have to eat right and exercise, is it?
Last night we went as a family to the Community Walk To Myrtle Beach Kick Off. We are excited to try and walk 360 miles over the next 12 weeks. We had to get our weight and height, BMI and body fat tested…talk about motivation.
Well, at one point this stranger weighed in right next to me. He was a very healthy looking guy and weighed in at 146. I looked over at the scale right at the wrong time and quickly apologized explaining that I wasn’t trying to spy. “But”, I explained, “I want you to know that I would do anything to be at your weight.” All the Health Dept. officials looked at me dumbfounded, so I chimed in with the further explanation they were waiting for, “except eat right and exercise of course.” They all seem to be pleased that their original scowls got the desired answer and gave me their approval with a few big smiles.
And, can I just vent for a second. These officials were trying to change the computer results to make my kids overweight. I was ticked. I had to give them some wisdom, “Just because my husband and I are fat, it doesn’t mean that our children are…..how do you think we got this fat? We’ve been doing everything we can to keep them healthy.” I TOLD THEM. They quickly understood that they were stereotyping. UGH!!!

Cletus, Take the Wheel

Last week, I posted a little Tim Hawkins. He was making us laugh about the old school playground.

Well, lo and behold, a blogging friend of mine also posted something very funny from Tim Hawkins. After showing it to LG and hearing him bust a gut, I’ve decided to share the link.

But, in accordance with blogging 101, I am not stealing the video, I am sending you directly to my blogging friend for your viewing pleasure. And, just a heads up, it’s funny, but it’s funnier if you live in the South or are a lover of country music.

And, here are some more that I found funny from my new funny hero Tim Hawkins:

Cleaning Blog House

O.k. I am not going to totally commit to this because you all know how I am with commitment.

But, it is my goal to organize my future posting just a bit.
Here is my plan that will no doubt be revised or ignored all together at some later date.

Sundays – my church (meaning uplifting, inspiring, or church related)
Mondays – My K town (meaning church signs or pics from around town)
Tuesdays – My Entertainment (meaning mostly my You Tube fav’s)
Wednesdays – My family (meaning mostly funny personal stories or fun photos)
Thursdays – My How To (photo stories or best craft find or such)
Fridays – My Mom Advice (mommy stories or my day to vent)
Saturdays – My news (weird news story or other news related post)

Wish me luck! And, everyone please pray that I won’t ruin this great hobby of mine by pressuring myself into not only posting every day, but sticking to something rigid….AHHH!

Sisters
My sisters and I got to share some moments together recently.
Sisters are the best thing EVER.
Three of us peed our pants multiple times from laughing so hard.
(I’ll let you guess which ones did the peeing.
I have been told that not everyone wants to share their life story.)
The joys of the incompetent bladder: something only a sister can understand.
Luckily we were out on a jet ski & only had to jump in the water to clean up.

Here is an e-mail forward that I read yesterday. I found it strikingly true.

A young wife sat on a sofa on a hot humid day, drinking iced tea and visiting with her Mother. As they talked about life, about marriage, about the responsibilities of life and the obligations of adulthood, the mother clinked the ice cubes in her glass thoughtfully and turned a clear, sober glance upon her daughter

‘Don’t forget your Sisters,’ she advised, swirling the tea leaves to the bottom of her glass. ‘They’ll be more important as you get older. No matter how much you love your husband, no matter how much you love the children you may have, you are still going to need Sisters. Remember to go places with them now and then; do things with them.’

‘Remember that ‘Sisters’ means ALL the women… your girlfriends, your daughters, and all your other women relatives too. ‘You’ll need other women. Women always do.’

What a funny piece of advice!’ the young woman thought. Haven’t I just gotten married? Haven’t I just joined the couple-world? I’m now a married woman, for goodness sake! A grownup! Surely my husband and the family we may start will be all I need to make my life worthwhile!’

But she listened to her Mother. She kept contact with her Sisters and made more women friends each year. As the years tumbled by, one after another, she gradually came to understand that her Mom really knew what she was talking about. As time and nature work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman, Sisters are the mainstays of her life.

Time passes.

Life happens.

Distance separates.

Children grow up.

Jobs come and go.

Love waxes and wanes.

Men don’t do what they’re supposed to do.

Hearts break.

Parents die.

Colleagues forget favours.

Careers end.

BUT………

Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you. A girl friend is never farther away than needing her can reach. When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley’s rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley’s end.

Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you…Or come in and carry you out.
Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, Mothers,
Grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended family, all bless our life!

The world wouldn’t be the same without women, and neither would I. When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we would need each other.

Seeing things?

After watching this:
For some crazy reason my husband thinks that this mother of three can go from being a Soccer Mom/PTSO secretary to the Vice President of the country in about ten years?
I do have vision, but c’mon….politics?
If it were up to me, I think we would have no government at all.
I am very happy with two things.
1- The respect that mothers finally seem to be getting in this country is amazing!
And, 2- the fact that my husband thinks that I should be a part of it.
And the 2nd reason makes me happy for an additional two reasons:
1- He thinks I am smart enough (or dumb enough)
And 2- he wants me to have MORE POWER!!
Yahoo to that.
I am so glad to be a part of this new stay home mom turns power politician revolution.
Even if it’s only in my hubby’s dream world.
Besides, I don’t think I would make it as a politician.
I am sure I would overspend,
and it would mostly be on school supplies that were 75% off.
No school could ever have enough crayons or pencil sharpeners, could they?
If you want to really see something: go here,
and make sure you tell me what you think.

The Playground back in Old School

I had one of the best walks down memory road recently at a little park in Sayre, OK.

(I think that is the right state)

When we stopped to eat at a very retro park close to the interstate,

I just had to take pictures!

When would I ever see playground equipment like this again?

There must not be a single lawyer in this little country town.

I can’t believe that playground equipment like this is still in existence,

much less, actually STILL in a park.

If it wasn’t 110 degrees outside, I would have INSISTED my kids take a try on that slide.

Those were the days, weren’t they…you know, the ones when it was fun to go to the park and brave the safety hazards….oh man, old school, when are you coming back to us?