USA

The Saints

I was at Wal-Mart doing my late night shopping last night.

I am known to hum or sing softly to myself while browsing down the aisles.

For some reason the song When The Saints Go Marching was stuck in my head.

While inspecting the breakfast cereal for the best deal, a woman stopped me in the middle of my measure. “It’s so nice to hear from a good Christian”, she declared.

I said, “Oh, excuse me, I just get a little carried away sometimes.”

She said, “Please don’t apologize. It’s wonderful.”

I was happy that she was happy. I was happy that she was a Christian too. I was happy that she took the time to tell me that she was glad that I was Christian. But, I was skeptical that she would still think so after finding out that I was a Mormon. Most protestant people in the South are taught by their clergymen that Mormons are not Christian.

I didn’t say anything to her. I didn’t want to burst her bubble. And, I was a little embarrassed that I was caught in my musical praise while dissecting the price per ounce of the Life cereal.

But, I would just like to take my Sunday post to declare. No matter what you have been taught by your pastor, please know this….I am true believer in Jesus Christ and his saving grace, and so are my other Mormon friends. We truly believe that we belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. And so we try to be saints.


And, if you don’t think I am a Christian because I don’t put something so sacred like my testimony of Jesus Christ on my bumper, I will gladly give you my best rendition of any gospel song of praise in the cereal aisle: “Oh when the Saints go marching in, how I want to be in that number, when the Saints go marching in.”

Cook with common sense

Mom’s advice for the day is cook with common sense.

And if you’ve don’t got any, watch your mother in law while she cooks mac n cheese.

I used to always put the pasta back in the sauce pan and then add the rest of the ingredients in one at a time.
It was horrible.
The bottom would burn and the cheese would be clumpy and the pasta would crumble.
I may not have common sense on my own, but I do know how to watch and learn.
And, trust me when I say that I learned the much more effective method.
Leave the pasta in the colander. Then melt the butter in the empty sauce pan, add the milk and cheese, whisk, and wha -la…it’s creamy sauce. Not clumpy or burnt.
And, THEN you add the pasta. And, it won’t crumble.
It’s as simple as well, should I say it? It’s as simple as mac n cheese. And so was this post.

Ta Ta’s
Here’s a car magnet I saw while driving around town the other day.
I want to get this cute little saying on a t-shirt.
I’m just a little worried that it might give too much attention to my ta ta’s.
And, that would not be very modest, I’m afraid.
I guess I will just have to settle with adopting the cute little name.


I am thinking about doing the Race for the Cure
to celebrate Debbie McFarland.
She’s the secretary at the girls’ school
and I am happy to report that she has beat breast cancer.
And, I must say that her ta ta’s are looking as good as ever.
Three cheers for modern medicine.
Or should I just give modern medicine just TWO great big cheers?
That may be all it needs to keep on saving those ta ta’s.

Seatbelt Security
I have posted before about some of our family’s seatbelt dialogue.

Here’s another one that happened the other day.
LG: ” Girls put your seatbelts on.
Do you guys want to know why you need to wear your seatbelts?”
Me: “Because you don’t want to die if we crash, that’s why. Now put them on.”
Abigail: “We know mom. You’ve told us that a million times.”
LG: “Yeah, but there’s another reason. I was reading a Reader’s Digest article the other day and it was talking about people who die in car crashes. 90% die because someone wasn’t wearing their seatbelt. And lots of times the person that was wearing their seatbelt died, and the person who wasn’t wearing their seatbelt lived. The person who wasn’t wearing their seatbelt shot out of their seat like a missile and killed the other person. Wouldn’t you feel bad if you killed mom?”
Abigial: “O.k. o.k. I am putting my seatbelt mom. I don’t want to missile you.”
Me: “I don’t want to missile you or miss you either Abigail. Thank you.”

My mom’s advice for the day is:
Scare your kids into wearing their seatbelts.
And, please, please, teach your kindergartners how to take off and put on their own seatbelts, so that I don’t have to wait longer in the school pick up line while you secure your child properly.

How to make the Grand Canyon more grand
As you know my husband’s name is LeGrand.
Many people get confused over the name.
I tell them it’s a French name,
and the best way for them to remember it is to think of it’s meaning.
LeGrand means “The Big.”
In fact, one of my favorite nicknames that LG was given is
The Big and The Mighty.
And you can all decide for yourself if that describes my hubby.
So, what does the name definition have to do with my post?
It was pure coincidence that we visited The Grand Canyon
on LeGrand’s birthday.
In honor of LeGrand visiting The Grand Canyon,
you all should know that our girls have renamed
The Grand Canyon to LeGrand Canyon.
It’s very fitting I think.
Don’t you think LG looks just like this Native American
who claims to be The Grand Canyon?

And, to make the visit even more grand,
we made sure our rental car was a Grand Caravan.

I think the train is due for some updating
along with all the other signage at the Grand Canyon.
It shouldn’t be hard, just add the “Le” at the front.

For me, The Grand Canyon, was just another evidence of God’s majesty!
What is possibly more grand than that?
Except maybe the scriptures.

If you think of The Colorado River as Willy Wonka’s chocolate river,
it’s automatically more grand.

I thought it a grand coincidence that the Arch from the Arches National Park
showed up in clouds right over the Grand Canyon.
I think that maybe God was trying to tell us that he
approved of our name change.
If you decide to hike, make sure that you read the signs so you can get back up.

Stop at the shop and gets some Dreyer’s Grand ice-cream.

Hide from mom in the tower and make her panic for a good twenty minutes
that you may have fallen into the canyon.
That’s always grand fun.
Especially when dad is in on the game.
Doesn’t it look like they are touching a painting?

Nope just pointing out the grandness.

Put yourself into the painting.
Because you are part of God’s grand creations too.

Tease your mom and wife some more by laughing at her

as she hollers for you to step back.


Show your children that you are just as grand
as any of those overpriced toys that they want.

Camp…you gotta camp.

Find something very small to remember the grand occasion.
This is our baby owl.
Her name is Paquito.
We let dad name her for his birthday.

Sit right at the grand edge.
It’s so much fun.
Notice all the grand fossils.

And the grandest layering ever.

Can we call this a grand bee?

And, make sure you visit at the grandest times of the day.

Sunrise and sunset of course.

Take notice of the grand calves. Nothing less would be worthy.

Lean over just once and ponder the
grandness of your own mortality.
The horizon is endless and so is the land.

What’s more grand than that?

Add your own caption here. I can’t think of one.
On your drive home, take a grand minute or two to realize that the

grandness of God and his creations are really never ending.

You just have to keep looking.

How to be a modernized boy band
LG recently expressed his utter amazement at seeing that The New Kids On The Block are making a comeback with saying, “Alice they are a bunch of 40 year old guys dancing around. It was a little weird seeing them on every TV at Wal-Mart at the same time.”


I am not sure which is more eerie: the thought of LG watching a bunch of guys dancing at Wal-Mart or the fact that the 60 year old Wal-Mart greeter could point out and name every member of the band, even in their “twenty years later” disguise?


Either way, I am going to try and refrain from purchasing the CD…and that is said in all facetiousness.


Recently, another boy band was in town. They are a very updated version. (In fact, they are so modernized that I thought they were all dressed like they were “gay” just to find out that they were really wearing the clothes of cool skater type kids….go figure… I am old!) I had never heard of this band before; their name is Varsity Fan Club. And they are living proof that the boy band is back in all its glory. We got to watch them in person. The girls were mesmerized. Really, I was mesmerized too…in between all the photos that is. They were cute and sounded good and boy they could dance….and those are the precise reason that I know they are a boy band.


Here are some photos of them with my version of how to be a modernized boy band:
You have to have a Napoleon Dynamite look a like.
And one boy who dresses normal.

(You know the mom’s in the audience have got to have
something to remember the good old boys by.)
Wear some rad UT orange shades.

And don’t forget your hat or your friendship bracelet.

Have some pit hair.


Do the running man in sloooowww motion.

Flash some peace along while simultaneously sticking out your tongue.

Get an old school Thompson Twins T-shirt.

Kink your neck.

Wear your coolest Michael Jackson gloves of all time.

Sing into your shades instead of your mike.


Hydrate to make up for all that sweating.

Play hide and seek with your younger audience.

They love Danny The Dinosaur.

And, if nothing else works to woo the audience, bow your heads in prayer.
But, remember the cute boy doesn’t have to because he wears the stripes.


Show your audience that it is indeed possible

to dance and stretch in skinny jeans.

If your prayers didn’t work the first time, reach heavenward.

And, don’t forget your scarf.

No matter how winded you are at the end,
please don’t throw up on the audience.

The Playground back in Old School

I had one of the best walks down memory road recently at a little park in Sayre, OK.

(I think that is the right state)

When we stopped to eat at a very retro park close to the interstate,

I just had to take pictures!

When would I ever see playground equipment like this again?

There must not be a single lawyer in this little country town.

I can’t believe that playground equipment like this is still in existence,

much less, actually STILL in a park.

If it wasn’t 110 degrees outside, I would have INSISTED my kids take a try on that slide.

Those were the days, weren’t they…you know, the ones when it was fun to go to the park and brave the safety hazards….oh man, old school, when are you coming back to us?

Dear Sir South,
Dear Sir South,
Do you think you could do me, your favorite Western transplant, a favor?
Can you please invite some of my favorite features of Western living
to come and visit from time to time?
I would be much obliged, sir.
I just can’t be taking 2,000 mile trips whenever I need a fixin’.
I know I ought not complain, but I so miss things from my native land.
I love the you with most of my heart now.
And, I surprised even myself that I missed some things about you while I was away.
But, there are just so many joys of life that are absent here.
I don’t think it would be a terrible crime to let some of those things in.
For instance,

I know this Jack in the Box looks scary,
but what harm could he really do while he driving that convertible
and cooking me up some 2 tacos for 99 cents at the same time?

And, I know we have as many icees as we could ever want,
but don’t you think it is time they had a little competition?
I think that some slurpees from 7-11 would be the perfect threat/compliment
to our only two flavors: coke and cherry.
Besides I am a Mormon and I can’t even drink the coke flavor.
And that cherry stuff is getting a little old.
It’s as if you’ve never heard of the flavors pina colada or orange or grape or
Mountain Dew or Dr Pepper or berry or
…..well, I am sure that you are getting the picture.

This is called real Mexican food.
It is a slice of heaven.
You have not tasted the perfection of combined flavors
until you have tried this mix of pineapple and shrimp!
I know we have some Mexicans living here…
don’t you think we could sneak them some recipes
and give them a loan to help them open up shop?

Western Bacon Cheeseburgers….I guess they will have to stay in the West.
Boo hoo.
This is called a covered bus stop.

I know I NEVER ride the bus, so this seems like an odd request, but
it just makes me feel better to see people have a nice comfortable shelter while they wait.
I’m not even going to mention the sidewalk
because you already know how I feel about its absence here.

This is what we call red clay. It’s beautiful in its own way.
A cactus. This is the one thing that I really don’t have to have.

I just thought that I would add it in for a good measure.
I know that we have a Waffle House,

but do you think that they could somehow hire my dad
and pay him enough to actually make him move out here.
I just love his fried eggs and toast.
Thank you sir.
You know where to find me.
I will anxiously be awaiting your reply.
Alice Gold

GM vs. Microsoft

I recently got this e-mail forwarded to me.

Snopes has indicated it isn’t a real press release.

Nonetheless, it’s still fun to read.

So, here you go.

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX),Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, ‘If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.’

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part ):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash…….. Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single ‘This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation’ warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask ‘Are you sure?’ before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You’d have to press the ‘Start’ button to turn the engine off
PS – I’d like to add that when all else fails, you could call ‘customer service’ in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!

Native American Cuisine


In the West there is something called a Navajo Taco. For lack of a better description, it is kind of a mix between a taco, a Pita sandwich, and a scone. And even though I somehow just managed to make them sound very scary, Navajo Tacos are very good and filling. We are sad that we haven’t eaten one in years. We have only Petro’s in the south. I suppose that is as close as we get to a Native American Cuisine. I guess all the Confederates scared all the Natives away long ago.

Well, as part of our trip out west, it was our goal to eat every Western cuisine that we miss while living in the South. We hadn’t really mentioned a Navajo taco, but whenever we saw a place that offered anything we can only get out West we stopped. We were constantly on the lookout for our favorites. (remembered or not)

After spending a day at The Grand Canyon, we immediately got on the road. We were in a hurry to get to my mom and dads. We had not eaten lunch and were starving, but figured we would see something on the way and would save time by eating in the car. We wrongly suspected we could find food on the road cheaper than we could in the Canyon. We ended up bi passing the only little town that would have anything to eat, and gassed up in the middle of nowhere. The trip turned into hours and we were well into dinner time.
The only thing we passed on the road were these Navajo Shops where the Native American tribe members sell their jewelry, pottery and such. There was a new shop about every 10 miles. They all looked exactly the same and seemed to market and sell the exact same items.
Now I know you all already realize that LG has an MBA and is always looking for good business opportunities. We were all getting hungrier and crankier by the second. Finally LG turned to me and in desperation exclaimed, “You would think that some of these Navajos would start selling some tacos.”
And, that, ladies and gentlemen, gives you the quick wit I live with on a daily basis. LG needs to start his own blog that features his humor. He’s so much funnier than I could ever hope to be. I am so happy to have a husband that has never let me down on his promise to make me laugh every day.