FunnyBlog

Dear Sir South,

Do you think you could do me, your favorite Western transplant, a favor?

Can you please invite some of my favorite features of Western living

to come and visit from time to time?

I would be much obliged, sir.

I just can’t be taking 2,000 mile trips whenever I need a fixin’.

I know I ought not complain, but I so miss things from my native land.

I love the you with most of my heart now.

And, I surprised even myself that I missed some things about you while I was away.

But, there are just so many joys of life that are absent here.

I don’t think it would be a terrible crime to let some of those things in.

For instance,

I know this Jack in the Box looks scary,

but what harm could he really do while he driving that convertible

and cooking me up some 2 tacos for 99 cents at the same time?

And, I know we have as many icees as we could ever want,

but don’t you think it is time they had a little competition?

I think that some slurpees from 7-11 would be the perfect threat/compliment

to our only two flavors: coke and cherry.

Besides I am a Mormon and I can’t even drink the coke flavor.

And that cherry stuff is getting a little old.

It’s as if you’ve never heard of the flavors pina colada or orange or grape or

Mountain Dew or Dr Pepper or berry or

…..well, I am sure that you are getting the picture.

This is called real Mexican food.

It is a slice of heaven.

You have not tasted the perfection of combined flavors

until you have tried this mix of pineapple and shrimp!

I know we have some Mexicans living here…

don’t you think we could sneak them some recipes

and give them a loan to help them open up shop?

Western Bacon Cheeseburgers….I guess they will have to stay in the West.

Boo hoo.

This is called a covered bus stop.

I know I NEVER ride the bus, so this seems like an odd request, but

it just makes me feel better to see people have a nice comfortable shelter while they wait.

I’m not even going to mention the sidewalk

because you already know how I feel about its absence here.

This is what we call red clay. It’s beautiful in its own way.

A cactus. This is the one thing that I really don’t have to have.

I just thought that I would add it in for a good measure.

I know that we have a Waffle House,

but do you think that they could somehow hire my dad

and pay him enough to actually make him move out here.

I just love his fried eggs and toast.

Thank you sir.

You know where to find me.

I will anxiously be awaiting your reply.

Alice Gold

Ward Star Search

On Saturday evening,
the Gold family won the “Funniest” prize at our church talent show.

I think people just voted out of a sense of duty.

After all, I am the only ward member with a blog named imsofunny.

It really wasn’t that funny.

But isn’t Litte Miss Goldilocks so darling?

If I can ever get LG to actually finish the movie and download it,

I will share it at a later date.

It’s pretty entertaining, in a bad sort of way.

But, I have to say that for me the most entertaining part of the night was when the Bishop transformed from a daytime attorney to the SuperBishop at night.

He was wearing two suits….one over the top of the other.

He took his top one off.

Yeah, a Bishop taking his pants off in front of his whole congregation

is something that I hope to NEVER see again!

But, the shock factor worked. We all had to laugh out of pure horror.

Ten Virgins with Children

No, it wasn’t immaculate. It was a church play. It was fun.

Guess who was the one with the real Pashmina?

Yeah, that would be me.

A few years back, my sister, Shannon, brought it back for me from Italy.

I told her how beautiful it was and kindly thanked her.
I thought to myself, “When is simple old me ever going to wear something so elegant?”

“It’s a darn scarf. I am never going to wear a scarf!

Why couldn’t she bring me some wine?”

(not really, because you all know I can’t drink that)

So, I tucked the soft and pretty scarf away for a completely improbable day in the future when I would magically transform into a woman with some taste.

Shannon’s husband has schooled her in the ways of refinement.

I was not so lucky.

I had to teach my husband to match the color of his shoes to his belt.

And that there are some occasions besides church that it is appropriate to wear something other than jeans or basketball shorts, and a T-shirt.

I grew up in a beach town and LG grew up in a County school in Tennessee.

So, you can imagine that when it comes to the subject of fashion,

we are both somewhat challenged.

But, wow, last week,

I got to pretend that this mother of 3 was not only a virgin,

but that I was also the coolest woman in the play.

You see, I had a real Pashmina.

I felt like a million bucks as the other virgins salivated in envy.

On the way home, I promptly called my sister to give her the much delayed appropriate thanks. You know the kind where there is almost groveling involved.

I somehow had to make up for my lack of excitement from my first little thanks.
I told her, “There’s nothing like the jealousy of another woman to make you want to have a little more culture in your life.”

I have to tell you that, for me, the sense of belonging to the high life was fleeting.

As soon as I got home, the scarf went right back in the bottom of my drawer.

We wouldn’t want my kids to find it, would we?

It may somehow end up in their dress up box

with the fluffy elf costume and Styrofoam knight’s armor.

Now, all I can do is hope that our church Christmas party

will be the kind that we all dress up and go back to Jerusalem.

I would love to have a chance to NOT gloat.

Now that I know what a Pashmina is,

I may be able to sensor my pride and play it off,

instead of rubbing it in the face of commoners.

NO HOT DOGS!!!

How in the world do they ever expect to make a profit?

Everyone wants a hot dog while they wait for their brake work.

On the other side of the sign, it reads:

No beer.

No lottery.

No hot dogs.

Being a good Christian, I understand the no beer and no lottery thing.

But hot dogs…isn’t that supposed to be safe for Christians?

Since when do we have to have a Kosher diet?

School Shooting in Knoxville

I had chosen not to post about the school shooting because it is just depressing and that is not the purpose of my blog.

We personally had several of our friends in attendance at Central High School during the shooting this past week. One of our very close friends was running late and her son was very very fortunate for missing it all together, or he could have very well witnessed everything and needed therapy for the rest of his life.

I changed my mind as the dialogue going on over at almostgotit and it has motivated me to invite you in for some discussion. The past several posts over there have been very thought provoking and are encouraging me to take more action to assist our schools.

Does anyone have any suggestions of what I can do personally? I am already a classroom volunteer, room parent, PTSO member and a parent of really good parents who mentors not only my own children, but their friends and many others at church and in the community?

I have done all of those things for a long time, but when we switched our kids from their last inner city school, I took it as a personal failure. LG and I had failed to make a difference there. We were more than happy to take our precious children elsewhere and they are thriving at a new school with a truly safe and positive climate.

Besides spreading true Christianity, what else can we do to stop our schools from being overrun by characterless children?

GM vs. Microsoft

I recently got this e-mail forwarded to me.

Snopes has indicated it isn’t a real press release.

Nonetheless, it’s still fun to read.

So, here you go.

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX),Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, ‘If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.’

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part ):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash…….. Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single ‘This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation’ warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask ‘Are you sure?’ before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You’d have to press the ‘Start’ button to turn the engine off
PS – I’d like to add that when all else fails, you could call ‘customer service’ in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!

Nick Pitera

Cheryl sent me a YouTube video of this Nick Pitera singing.

In the video she sent to me, I was trying to figure out if he was lip syncing because his voice was unbelievably HIGH and good!

Then I found this recording where he showcases his a little more than mediocre man voice and his amazing woman voice. If you don’t want to watch the whole thing, fast forward to about 50 seconds into it and listen to his man for about 10 seconds and then he will go into the female part.

It’s just crazy. My girls and their friend Emma have been freaking out all morning.

This gives me a little understanding into my husband’s voice. I’ve always teased him that he is stuck in primary because he can sing the melody of any song almost perfectly when he sings it in a high soprano, but he has never really mastered singing in the lower register. Maybe I should just start letting him sing the woman part and I can sing the man one. My voice is getting lower every day!

My vote is in for Nick Pitera to record for the next Disney princess? What do you think?

Off to school

Last week marked the beginning of another school year for the Gold Family.

It is a little historic for us, as Bella, our baby, finally gets to go along with her sisters.

So, now I am left filling my days without children in tow.

I think that this Wild Thing will be o.k.

When I started getting a bit sad, I decided I needed to embrace the change.

I gave myself a treat on the first day of my new found freedom.

I went to Panera Bread and got whatever I wanted.

I sat and ate and read my book just to make sure I could still enjoy some quiet.

I sure hope the girls enjoy school as much as I enjoyed my date with myself.

I also hope that they will find and be the kind of friend that is illustrated in the following story by Susie. And, they will always remember that prayers are answered.

Bella can attest to prayers being answered herself. All summer, Bella repeatedly told us she wanted Mrs. Nitz, and we told her that any teacher would be just fine and that she wasn’t going to get to choose. It ended up that she had been assigned a teacher other than Mrs. Nitz, the one Sophia had last year. Bella was bummed out during the first week of assessments, but didn’t complain. She just kept on saying, “I really really really want Mrs. Nitz.” To our pleasant surprise, when Bella reported to her second day of school, Mrs. Nitz was waiting. Bella had been changed to her class. You should have seen that smile of an answered prayer.

WET PANTS

Come with me to a third grade classroom…..

There is a nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of a sudden, there is a puddle between his feet and the front of his pants are wet. He thinks his heart is going to stop because he cannot possibly imagine how this has happened. It’s never happened before, and he knows that when the boys find out he will never hear the end of it. When the girls find out, they’ll never speak to him again as long as he lives. The boy believes his heart is going to stop; he puts his head down and prays this prayer, ‘Dear God, this is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from now I’m dead meat.’

He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher with a look in her eyes that says he has been discovered. As the teacher is walking toward him, a classmate named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled with water. Susie trips in front of the teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the boy’s lap. The boy pretends to be angry, but all the while is saying to himself, ‘Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!’

Now all of a sudden, instead of being the object of ridicule, the boy is the object of sympathy.. The teacher rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts to put on while his pants dry out. All the other children are on their hands and knees cleaning up around his desk. The sympathy is wonderful. But as life would have it, the ridicule that should have been his has been transferred to someone else – Susie.

She tries to help, but they tell her to get out. You’ve done enough, you klutz!’
Finally, at the end of the day, as they are waiting for the bus, the boy walks over to Susie and whispers, ‘You did that on purpose, didn’t you?’ Susie whispers back, ‘I wet my pants once too.’