Funny

Oh yeah – Pres Day


Yes, Presiden’t Day would have went unnoticed at our house this year if it wasn’t for the following conversation that just took place on the way home from school.

Abigail: “Mom, Abraham Lincoln was a liar.”

Mom: (not totally paying attention) “Really, why?”

Abigail: no response

Mom: (realizing what Abigail just said and wondering what in the world they are teaching at public school) “Did you say that Abraham Lincoln was a liar? I’ve never heard that.”

Abigail: “No, mom, I said, he was a lawyer.”

Mom: Cracking up. “Do you know why that was so funny ?”

Abigail: SMILING HUGE because she got it…”Yeah mom, his name is Honest Abe.”

So, I guess that public schools aren’t failing us, even though Abigail reminds me now that my hearing continues to fail me.

I guess the lawyer/liar thing is a secondary part of the joke.

Church signs

Go here to check out my church sign photos.

While at Cracker Barrel a few weeks ago, I saw the above book, The Great American Book of Church Signs. It was very fun to rummage through. This book is a compilation of a very important part of Southern living: the church sign. I have to admit that even though I have never even stepped foot inside of a church that sports any type of unique church sign, the signs are one of my favorite aspects of Southern living.

For my many Western friends. Let me explain. In the South a person in a vehicle can pass a different church at about every block. Under the name of the congregation, each of those churches usually display a block letter sign with a new weekly message. There seems to be an unspoken competition going on. The winner of the competition will win the most parishoners for the following Sunday. How will the church sign do that? Well, of course, the parishioners will not be able to resist attending because of the originality or perfect humor of the church sign.

I grew up in California where all church signs were very bland. Their sole purpose was to let the passer-by know which domination was represented. In Utah, it seems that every church has the same The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints sign etched in granite out front. Which, in its own way is entertaining, given that you will have two exactly similar signs sported a block apart.

But, in the South, the church sign is vital for the spread of Christianity and humor. I am unsure how the church sign tradition got started, but I am sure it has to do with some unorthodox Baptist preacher a few hundred years ago. And, yes, he must have been a good preacher because he can take credit for even teaching this Mormon how to be a better Christian. Here are some of the messages from the signs that I have seen recently:

Lost? Get a GPS (God’s plan of salvation)

You think it’t hot here.

Who’s your daddy?

Free trip to heaven, details inside.

Church parking only – violators will be baptized.

God loves you and he approves this message.

Wal-Mart is not the only saving place.

God answers knee-mail.

Friends don’t let friends go to hell.

Don’t make me come down there. ~ God

If God is your co-pilot, switch seats.

The wage of sin is death, repent before payday.

At the heart of sin is the letter I.

Pessimists need a kick in the cant’s.

So, feel free to add your favorite Southern church sign in a comment. Whenever we all get over the flu at my house, and I can actually think I may try to come up with some signs that they can adopt to put in front of the Mormon churches in Utah. Here are a few off of the top of my fried sick brain:

Join our ward, the boundary is unlimited.

Our Bishop is better than yours!

Is your sacrament bread homemade?

Join us, every Sunday is fast.

Yeah yeah, these are week; I am sick! I can’t stop coughing, so I am going to go. I just didn’t want to be banned to my own bi-weekly blogger list.

Dead People

Abigail went out with her group of church girls last night and sang to some people at a nursing home. (This picture is not from last night, but from a school thing last year – I included the pic. to give you the idea of how cute 8-11 year olds) Aren’t they darling? I am sure the nursing home loved their company last night.

Anyhow, on the way home, I was very impressed with Abigail’s observations of the night. She was telling me all about the people that she met.

“Mom, there was this really old guy who was 97. There was a lady who was deaf and they had to write everything on a paper for her. There was a black guy, and it was his birthday.” She even told me the people’s names.

Sophia and Bella were listening to the conversation and started asking Abigail questions about her adventure. Bella being inquisitive about the aforementioned deaf person asked me, “Mom why would they sing to a dead person?”

I was glad that the girls were paying attention to Abigail’s story, but who would have guessed the dead person association of my 4 year old? I guess I better start writing my mommy speech now for reassuring Bella when it is her turn to go to a nursing home to sing. Really, how am I going to handle this with honesty? It’s not like I can say, “No Bella, don’t worry, there aren’t any dead people at nursing homes.”

This reminds me of another story. Back in December, we had an unfortunate death in the congregation that shares our building. I was in charge of our ward party that was to happen the evening following the funeral. I had a bunch of things that I needed to drop of at the church early because I had to work the next morning. So I stopped by the church late after the funeral was over.

I wasn’t sure if they would have left the casket at the church overnight until the following day’s graveside service. (I believe they did this with Grandma Gold in VA – every state law is different to this effect and I wasn’t sure what TN law was) As my girls love to run the round hallways as soon as they get into the church, I warned them to stay close by because there may be a casket in the cultural hall. You can imagine where the conversation went from there…

“Mom, what’s a casket?” “Why do dead people sleep in a casket?” “Why do they leave dead people in the church?” “What’s a funeral?”

I had tried to play off all the questions so that they wouldn’t be too afraid of ever entering the church ever again. I had told the girls that a funeral would be over the next morning and there was no reason to be afraid because a funeral is “like a party for dead people”. O.k. hindsight is always 20/20! Yes, I could and should have given a better explanation than that.

If you couple Bella’s amazing imagination with her slight anxiety, you can imagine what she thought was going on in the church at the party for dead people. I was surprised that she still wanted to go inside when I had given her the chance to just stay in the car while I ran a few things in. Do you think that she was showing bravery or did the sure terror of being alone in the van when the party all came out of the building egged her forward into the building with mom? I think it must have been the latter, the way she was clinging to my leg.

Either way, whenever I die, I hope all my girls will remember that they are invited to my party for dead people.

dad = goat


So this morning as we were getting the girls ready for school, all of the girls were telling their dad about their trips to see our friend’s baby goats. Thanks to Grammy for the field trip. The girls just loved these baby goats. And thanks to Steve and Stori for their fun petting zoo.

Here is the goat with Bella. Isn’t she cute? I was talking about the goat. This baby goat’s name is Carameletta. Isn’t that a cute name? Again, I am talking about the goat. The other two babies are Dotty and Pedro. (Pedro’s the boy)

So, back to the name of the post. This morning the girls were telling LG all about the goats:

“We had to chase the babies dad. We caught Dotty. The baby one is called Dotty
because she has a lot of dots. The dad has a long beard. The dad is
harry-er. The mom goat looks like she is mad at you and being protective,
but she doesn’t really care. The dad goat is bigger than the mom goat. They
were all so cute dad. They were so fun. The dad goat has bigger horns.”

LG in response to the girls: (yes his wit is really keen in the mornings) “So, I think I got it all, tell me if I am right: the dad is fatter, harrier, and hornier?” Yep I guess that dad really does = goat.

I just rolled on the floor laughing. What a great way to start the day.

I think that Gina’s hubby’s humor is also a little twisted. Gina informed her hubby that I suggested he win a good hubby award, he said, “What does a man do to win the chubby award?”

I never knew she noticed.

Here is an image for our church’s website.

This is what happened at the school today while I was there working with the kids.

Taylor: “Mrs. Gold, what church do you and Abigail go to?”

Me: “We attend The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.”

Abigail: “It’s a mouthful, isn’t it?”

My question, would it really be a horrible sin to go back to telling people that we are Mormon? It is just so hard for those of us that have to answer this question every day.

Two Already Forgotten Videos

I think I am an honorary grandparent. I have no memory. Really, it is almost sad!Can alztheimers (again, the spell check is out)set in early? I think mine set in before I was born.

Seriously. I cannot remember anything! If I didn’t have a blog to keep track of my blogging, I may unknowingly write the same story over and over again throughout my life. I have to say that if I had to rewrite a story repeatedly, it would have to be Self Check Out. It is my favorite.

This one is for you, my old fogy friends (and you young Dorry’s out there) I so relate to that cute little “My Nemo” Fish.

Gotta go!

This joke is in honor of Knoxville red light cameras and the bladder incontinence that 1/4 mothers experience.

My friend laughed the other day when I told her I have to cross my legs before sneezing or I will pee my pants. She thought I was kidding…I wasn’t. Oh, what a mother sacrifices. My bladder will never be the same.

This joke is called:

Breaking the Speed Limit

A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed. When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her.

Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies’ room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out. The three cops were standing their waiting for her.

Without batting an eye, she said coyly, “I’ll bet none of you thought I would make it.”

Preachin Politics
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.
He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table four objects:
a Bible,a silver dollar,a bottle of whiskyand a Playboy magazine ‘I’ll just hide behind the door,’ the old preacher said to himself, ‘when he comes home from school this afternoon,I’ll see which object he picks up.If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunkard,and, Lord, what a shame that would be.And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he’s gonna be a skirt-chasin’ bum.’

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month’s Centerfold.
‘Lord have mercy,’ the old preacher disgustedly whispered, ‘He’s gonna run for Congress!’

VOTE FOR MITT. He’s only got the Bible and the silver dollar.

Google It

Because of Megan’s recent entry, I was inspired to to get reacquainted with my Stat Counter.

Here are the google searches that have recently brought people to my blog.

So funny. I’m almost google famous!

I was so excited at my last post about google because I came up #3 when you search imsofunny.

Here are some other searches that bring me up.

#3 interesting conversation pieces

#6 google is my friend

#5 need attention

#9 Baskin Robbins vs. other ice-creams

#3 lds linger longer

#3 Whale Baby Quilts (what the heck?)

And the best news of the day. When you search Alice Gold. I finally come up #4! It’s my good reads account and not my blog, but hey, I ‘ll take what I can get. Now, at least all of my X boyfriends can find out what I like to read.

Yes, I am on my way!!!

Lawyer Jokes

I am so proud to be married to a man that is always thinking of others. LG has many wonderful traits but the one that I have been the most grateful for recently is his humility. LG always inspires me in many ways but the things I love about him most are 1-his kindness, 2-his humility, and 3-is a toss up between his intellect and his sense of humor.

When LG does pass the bar, he is going to open his own legal practice. To have his own business while simultaneously helping people will be a dream come true for LeGrand. I have to admit though that I am worried that his altruism will put us in the poor house. But, I do know that if we can be humble and diligent, that even if LG does give away too much free legal advice, the Lord will provide for us.

Now that my loyal readers have forged their way through the mush above (Man, I hate that stuff, but it will get me some needed brownie points – I have been blogging and slacking way too much lately) here are some good lawyer jokes. If I would have known 5 years ago that I was signing up for a lifelong affinity with lawyer jokes, I may have insisted LG take a different career path, but, hey, I guess somebody has to listen to the jokes. (I didn’t say we have to laugh)

At LG’s graduation one of the speakers told a good one: “I have quit telling lawyer jokes. Lawyers have heard them all and don’t think they are funny and no one else thinks they are jokes.”

A DOCTOR AND A LAWYER

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, “How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?””Just send a bill for such advice” replied the lawyer.On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a $50 bill. That afternoon he received a $100 bill from the lawyer.

BRAIN STORE:

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a
sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular
brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.”How much does it cost for engineer brain?””Three dollars an ounce.””How much does it cost for programmer brain?””Four dollars an ounce.””How much for lawyer brain?””$1,000 an ounce.””Why is lawyer brain so much more?””Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?”

THE LAWYER AND THE DEVIL

The devil visited a lawyer’s office and made him an offer. “I can arrange some things for you, ” the devil said. “I’ll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, and their children’s souls rot in hell for eternity.”The lawyer thought for a moment. “What’s the catch?” he asked.

GATES OF HEAVEN

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gatesof Heaven,
and the angel standing there said, “We’ve been waiting along time for you.””What
do you mean,” he replied, “I’m only 45, in the prime of my life.Why did I have
to die now?””45? You’re not 45, you’re 82,” replied the angel.”Wait a minute. If
you think I’m 82 then you have the wrong guy.I’m only 45. I can show you my
birth certificate.””Hold on. Let me go check,” said the angel and disspeared
inside. Aftera few minutes the angel returned. “Sorry, but by our records you
are 82.I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be
82.”

DROWNING

If two lawyers were drowning, and you could only save one ofthem, would you read the paper or go to lunch?

STRANGE

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, “Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.” The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, “Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: “That’s Strange!”

and finally:

LIGHTBULB

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “The Lawyer”, and the party of the second part, also known as “The Light Bulb”, do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties.

The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.

2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (“Receptacle”), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part(“New Light Bulb”). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as “The Firm”.