The Gold Girls

God is good

Across the street lives a Bible Methodist preacher, whom we respect. He was given this ugly poo green van from a Baptist church. It has been an eye sore that has never left the confines of their front lawn for the past two years.

Last week, through a powerful storm, God took care of the eye sore for us. We were surprised when the preacher informed us that they were grateful that God took care of it for them too. I guess they hadn’t known what to do with the donated van! Now, all I can do is hope that the demolished van won’t sit there in this pathetic state for another couple of years. God would have to send a tornado next to take it away (because you know it won’t be translated). We were very fortunate that this week’s recent storms didn’t make it this far east. God really has watched over us.

The bad news associated with the riddance of the van was that our power was out for 36 hours. This tree also took out the preacher’s power line which shorted the transformer box to just three houses. The power company had about 4,000 customers to get back up and running after the storm. Our three houses were probably the lowest on the priority list.

I spent the day at a friend’s house (isn’t having your power out a good excuse to miss school) and we decided to come back home and sleep. We tried to turn it into an adventure for the kids. We heat up our small room with our camp heater and made a makeshift bed for the girls that was built up high enough to be even with the height of our bed. It got down to the 20’s outside and the 40’s in the house.

The kids wore two pairs of pj’s, hats, and socks. (these cute animal hats were a gift from Korea, if any of you have seen the missing tiger, would you let me know – Bella wasn’t happy that she had to wear a plain old taboggan) The girls thought that the most fun part was counting the amount of blankets I put over the top of them. 13! They also really enjoyed the emergency crank flashlight/radio. They were amazed at how they could tune to different channels. They really do live a sheltered life, don’t they?

We couldn’t put them to sleep without our nightly scripture study. We are trying to read the whole Book of Mormon again this year. Here is LG reading with the assistance of a flashlight. You can’t see LG’s face or the flashlight between his face and the book. (just in case you couldn’t make that observation yourself)

God and KUB blessed us a second time within the 36 hour timeframe and had the power fixed at 4 am, just when it started to get really cold. This is how we found the girls the next morning. So much for the blankets and hats.

I’m smearing my spelling reputation

When I recently taught Abigail how to use the spellchecker, she didn’t understand why she had spent so much time on that darn spelling bee a while back. I also wonder, “Why did we spend every moment in the car for three weeks spelling word after word, if a computer will fix your mistakes for you?” She was amazed! I am sure that somewhere in that great brain of hers, she is trying to figure out how she can have Microsoft Word close by for next year’s competition.

I don’t want to make you think that I am trying to exploit Abigial with this video because I chose to post the video of when she got outed. Abigail was the only third grader to stay in until the third round; she did very well. And it’s a good thing because it felt like I lived and breathed spelling there for a bit. I just love watching her little wheels turn in this video. You can see it on her face that it only took her .005 second to realize that she didn’t know how to spell smear. So, what did she do… she said something as quick as she could to get the misery over with. That’s my girl…why prolong misery?…if you barrel through anything fast enough, it is as if you didn’t experience it at all. (Wow, even if she doesn’t ever win the spelling bee, maybe I have taught her some life coping skills?)

I like to blame LeGrand for the fact that Abigail did not know “smear”. Really, if that would have been my word, she would have never forgotten the trick…ear with and sm? (Dad didn’t really get into the spelling tricks) The end of page three was dad’s job while mom was at work, back in December. LeGrand swears they went over it, and I am not trying to be mean by blaming him, but really, just so you know, it is the only way that I am feeling good about my job as a mom right now. That spelling bee was one way that I could prove that I was a little smart. LG, well, let’s just say he doesn’t need to prove anything to anyone (he’s pretty secure) and he can also do math. And, let’s face it, with Word around, who really needs to know how to spell anyway?

Is anyone else having trouble using their spellchecker in blogspot? I am sorry if I have made you all cringe with my misspelling during the last few days. (Is that word even spelled right?) Well, if anyone knows what I need to do so that I can spell correctly again, can you give me a shout? I would hate to smir my stellar spelling reputation.

And, a good old fashioned spelling bee is not going to work…I now know modern technology in the most intimate fashion, if you know what I mean.

Why Can’t Mormons Send Flowers?

Here’s the video, and if anyone has any advice how to post directly from YouTube, please let me know. Thanks Gina…You will all have to know that it is Gina’s fault, if I go YouTube crazy!

You can’t go wrong with a clip from the good old show Cheers. I can remember gathering in my college apartment with about 30 other people to watch the show finale.

Thanks for the clip via e-mail Valerie. Abigail was watching over my shoulder (not soldier as originally typed) and says to me, “This is a bad show.” (She heard the word damn) Oh no. Now, she won’t think I am perfect!!! Yeah right!

LG’s boss says that LG reminds them all of Norm. They mean it as a compliment….They are all in awe that wherever he goes and whoever he talks to peopel all just love him. I am not in awe. He is charming, and because he is, I never let him buy me flowers for Valentine’s Day. He knows he can get me double the flowers a week later!

Now, this is a reminder, to all you men, especially you MORE MEN, send your wives some flowers, and do it before they raise the prices for Valentine’s Day or wait until they go on clearance.

Lawyer Jokes

I am so proud to be married to a man that is always thinking of others. LG has many wonderful traits but the one that I have been the most grateful for recently is his humility. LG always inspires me in many ways but the things I love about him most are 1-his kindness, 2-his humility, and 3-is a toss up between his intellect and his sense of humor.

When LG does pass the bar, he is going to open his own legal practice. To have his own business while simultaneously helping people will be a dream come true for LeGrand. I have to admit though that I am worried that his altruism will put us in the poor house. But, I do know that if we can be humble and diligent, that even if LG does give away too much free legal advice, the Lord will provide for us.

Now that my loyal readers have forged their way through the mush above (Man, I hate that stuff, but it will get me some needed brownie points – I have been blogging and slacking way too much lately) here are some good lawyer jokes. If I would have known 5 years ago that I was signing up for a lifelong affinity with lawyer jokes, I may have insisted LG take a different career path, but, hey, I guess somebody has to listen to the jokes. (I didn’t say we have to laugh)

At LG’s graduation one of the speakers told a good one: “I have quit telling lawyer jokes. Lawyers have heard them all and don’t think they are funny and no one else thinks they are jokes.”

A DOCTOR AND A LAWYER

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, “How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?””Just send a bill for such advice” replied the lawyer.On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a $50 bill. That afternoon he received a $100 bill from the lawyer.

BRAIN STORE:

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a
sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular
brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.”How much does it cost for engineer brain?””Three dollars an ounce.””How much does it cost for programmer brain?””Four dollars an ounce.””How much for lawyer brain?””$1,000 an ounce.””Why is lawyer brain so much more?””Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?”

THE LAWYER AND THE DEVIL

The devil visited a lawyer’s office and made him an offer. “I can arrange some things for you, ” the devil said. “I’ll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, and their children’s souls rot in hell for eternity.”The lawyer thought for a moment. “What’s the catch?” he asked.

GATES OF HEAVEN

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gatesof Heaven,
and the angel standing there said, “We’ve been waiting along time for you.””What
do you mean,” he replied, “I’m only 45, in the prime of my life.Why did I have
to die now?””45? You’re not 45, you’re 82,” replied the angel.”Wait a minute. If
you think I’m 82 then you have the wrong guy.I’m only 45. I can show you my
birth certificate.””Hold on. Let me go check,” said the angel and disspeared
inside. Aftera few minutes the angel returned. “Sorry, but by our records you
are 82.I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be
82.”

DROWNING

If two lawyers were drowning, and you could only save one ofthem, would you read the paper or go to lunch?

STRANGE

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, “Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.” The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, “Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: “That’s Strange!”

and finally:

LIGHTBULB

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “The Lawyer”, and the party of the second part, also known as “The Light Bulb”, do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties.

The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.

2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (“Receptacle”), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part(“New Light Bulb”). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as “The Firm”.

Bella The Beautiful


Isn’t she just gorgeous? I always feel so badly for people who have children that just aren’t that cute. I know that sounds so superficial, but really, there are some kids out there that I hope and pray will grow into themselves.

I often wonder if people know whether or not their kids are “attractiveness challenged”. I think that all parents must feel that their kids are as beautiful mine, but I am here to be the one bold enough to speak the truth: they’re not. Wow, that makes me sound like a horrible and shallow person. I truly do love all children, but mine are all just beautiful. I can’t help but brag.

So, here is a little story from tonight. Nothing too exciting, but kind of funny. Bella somehow managed to take a good chunk out of Sophia’s leg with a #2 pencil. Phia was wailing in pain and Bella just kind of disappeared. Sometimes our girls have issues working through their emotions. (they get it from their dad – the working through part – they get their emotions from their mom) So, although we have blessed them with very good looks, we have simultaneously blessed them with other challenges. They have to stay humble somehow

I went back and tried talking to Bella. She doesn’t want to talk and starts crying into her pillow. I pull her up and hold her so that she has to look at me. I say, “Bella, let’s talk about this, I don’t want you to be sad. Why are you crying? Do you not want to apologize to Sophia? Sophia is crying because you hurt her. You need to go and apologize, even if it was an accident.”

Bella cries harder. I suddenly got the horrible thought. “Maybe she did this on purpose and now she is overreacting because she feels bad.” I say, “Bella, even if you did it on purpose, it’s o.k., you just need to go apologize.” Bella starts crying harder. I then feel like my assumption was correct. I ask, “Bella, did you do it on purpose? Bella, why are you crying?”

Bella then hollers, “I’m crying because I don’t appreciate it that you think I hurt Sophia on purpose.”

So, maybe I was wrong. Maybe my children aren’t so bad at working out their emotions. Maybe my children are not challenged in any way after all. Maybe they are just beautiful, and somewhat emotionally stable, and eloquent communicators too. I guess they will have only one weakness to work on. My brother used to have this poster hanging in his room. Maybe my kids can adopt it for their new mottto: “It wouldn’t be so hard to humble, if I wasn’t so darn perfect.”

Conversation Pieces

LeGrand has repeatedly warned me that blogging about “the bedroom” is off limits and so I hope the following two funny conversations don’t cross the limits. If you are the kind of person who is afraid that you may not want to read further, please stop here. I don’t want to embarrass you or me. If you are even just 1% like me then I am sure I just peaked your curiosity and I know you will have to keep reading, even if you don’t know if you want to. If that is the case, I don’t mind if I embarrass you a little, just don’t tell me if I’ve offended you. I offend so many people in my life, and I just don’t need one more. Consider yourself warned.

LeGrand and I have been trying to get pregnant for 8 months now with no luck. We’ve never really had to work at it before and so we have gotten a little worried. As we were talking for the two minutes that we actually saw each other last night, LeGrand felt it necessary to share with me the infomercial that he had heard on the radio. I vaguely remember, as I was half asleep, but the commercial mentioned that there is a link to an enlarged prostate and fertilization. So, my memory was jogged about another short conversation that had occurred that I meant to blog about: (for your reading pleasure, here it is)

So, we were at LeGrand’s parents for Christmas and an interesting conversation took place that I thought was worth sharing. LeGrand’s little brother Logan started commenting that he needed to go and relieve his bladder in the bathroom. This small statement blew up into a huge thing. Jordan, the middle brother, starts telling Logan that he shouldn’t hold it for so long. “It’s not healthy.” Logan then says, “Yeah, when I hold it too long it almost starts to hurt.” So, this conversation is going on and on and it is almost making me uncomfortable re-sharing it here. (At the time it didn’t seem to be such a big deal) During the whole conversation, where even Faye and I added a few suggestions, LeGrand, the oldest brother, was sitting across the room at his laptop, totally oblivious. All of the sudden, LeGrand looks up and loudly exclaims, “Oh yeah, well I have an enlarged prostate.” What in the world? If you aren’t already laughing, then you have to imagine the look on the face of my usually quiet and subdued husband. The look was as if to say, “So, top that, you wimpy bladder brothers!” LeGrand swears that he was trying to warn Logan that he may have the beginning of prostrate problems, but I think he was just bragging.

And another funny conversation that is totally not related yet is in a round about way. (has to do with male body parts – again stop reading now if you are easily offended) This is a conversation that happened between my brothers and sisters and I about a year and half ago. I have wanted to share it for a long time ago but have never felt appropriate. (I am going to now lose the two new readers that I gained this week, but hey, this blog is for me anyway and I like writing about funny things)

We were at my sister Sarah’s house. She lives in Lincoln, CA, and her house became the gathering place when my Grandma Dorothy died. The funeral was in close by Sacramento. All seven of us siblings were together for the first time in 6 years. So, where did the conversation head? – The natural place of course, what name were we each teaching our own children for the male body part. I have all daughters and so of course I wasn’t as involved here. My brothers, who all have sons were really getting animated. The following names were mentioned: Pe Pe, We We, Tinkles, Wa Wa, and on and on. Who knew there were so many choices? I had put my two cents in towards the beginning of the conversation, “We just teach the girls the correct scientific terminology like the parenting books tell us to….penis is the only word we use.” You should have heard the roars of disapproval from the peanut gallery. This is what really got the conversation going.

Seriously, I didn’t know when it would ever end. We were talking about his for about ten minutes, and the brothers started making up new names that would be good to use. I couldn’t stand it another minute. How could I possibly stop the conversation? Like a pro, if you ask me, “At our house we just call it King Kong.” (LeGrand is going to kill me because it really isn’t true) Yes, I really hope that you are laughing. But, if you are offended or not, I have to say that it’s o.k. because at the time, my plan worked like a charm. Everyone laughed so hard that we finally had a lull long enough in the conversation to change the subject.

Santa Claus is Coming To Town



YOU
BETTER
WATCH
OUT!





YOU
BETTER
NOT
CRY!








YOU BETTER NOT POUT.
I’M TELLING YOU WHY.

SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN. So, bring on a mother’s work. Here I am trying not to cry yesterday while I was head to toe in elf costume. I really wanted Santa to keep me on his nice list, so I tried really hard to stay happy. I won’t dare pout beyond what I have already done in my last entry. Didn’t my little elf turn out cute?

The list of things I used from around the house to make this costume include but are not limited to: packing tape, electrical tape, thread, needle, ribbon, newspaper, wire, pom poms, leatherman, feathery boa stuff, a Santa belt, a dress from younger sister, handed down boots (passed down just in time from cousin Kearan), and last but certainly not least – an old hat that I made in High School to go with some pj’s from a Christmas pajama party dance.

The inspiration for the costume of the year came from google and the cover of one of our favorite movies, Elf. We watch this movie all year; it is so funny and pretty wholesome. (it is hard to find both innocence and humor in the same world) The only two items I ended up buying for the costume were the elf ears, which are not included in this picture, and the white tights, which Abigail needed for church anyway. Pretty good huh?

Do you think I redeemed myself from last year? Here is Abigail’s sparrow costume from her last year’s performance.


I know, I know, what was I thinking? The poor girl had to sqwack around on stage like this. The best compliment of the night came from one of Abigail’s best friend’s father. Ryan’s dad, Matt, has a pretty good sense of humor. He said, “Abigail you were the best tropical sparrow I have ever seen.” SO FUNNY!

Skipping Christmas

 

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Call me Scrooge, but I hate putting up the Christmas tree. Yes, of course, I am always happy when it is done and we are greeted by twinking lights in our living room for a whole month! (two, if I never get around to taking it down in January) But, c’mon what sadistic Martha Stewart came up with the tradition of putting away every knick knack in your house just to unload 6 huge boxes of junk. Is this really a necessary part of enjoying the holidays?

One of these days I will get the courage up to skip Christmas as I read about in John Grisham’s book.

Here is a picture of LG enjoying his Thanksgiving holiday. I am not trying to make him feel bad; I really am glad that he was enjoying some down time.

But, shouldn’t we all be able to enjoy our holidays, regardless of our gender?

We need an ACLU Christmas. We need to keep all of our National Holidays, yet, the week after we celebrate, we should have the ACLU version where the men do all the work that the women usually handle and the women act like the men (ie. sitting on the couch reading a book, playing football with our friends, watching sports on TV)

Think about it. Who does the work? We’ll start with Easter for the pure delight of making a point. Who buys the candy, who shops for those cute Easter outfits? Who makes sure that they get up at the crack of dawn to stage the fact that the Easter Bunny has visited (Abigail does read my blog now and so I have to be careful what I say here – I know she doesn’t believe in the Easter Bunny any more)

Next holiday – July 4th – Who buys and prepares the food and plans the outing? Really, all the men have to do is set off the fireworks..and is that really work?

Halloween – Who buys the candy, who tries to keep everyone from consuming the candy when you bought it the week earlier? Who makes the costumes? Who runs around like a mad woman on 10/31 making sure that all the preparations are accomplished for trick or treating, including the dinner, and making sure that you can somewhat tell what the kids are dressed up as, even under their coats?

Thanksgiving – who combs all the adds looking for the cheapest turkey? Who bakes the pies and the rolls and the, do you really want me to finish the food list? Who has to clean the house like a turkey with her head cut off to accomidate all the company? And, who is that actually sets that darn table? If all of that isn’t enough. Now, in American culture, we are expected to get up at the crack of dawn the day after Thanksgiving to make sure we get the best deals for the next holiday coming up.

and Christmas … I don’t think I have to explain the thought process.

I think I would really be willing to give up the two Woman holidays of the year (Valentine’s and Mother’s Day) to eliminate all the other holiday work throughout the year.

I know, I know, I am a whiner. It’s all about the memories we are making. I can’t help it that I prefer to make memories without working myself like a horse.

Not that you care, but I really wanted to add a picture of me in here of decorating the tree last night. Guess why I didn’t? I spared you the trauma of staring at my big fat bum. Every picture that was taken I was leaning over and picking something up, moving furniture, or plugging something in. Yep, you got it….working.

And were you wondering what LG was doing through all of the Christmas festivities – you got it – not working – unless you consider taking my picture work – which come to think of it – maybe he was working – staring at my bum really can’t be considered enjoyable. HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!

Oh, and I just added the bonus picture of Kitty Bear. I think she may feel like I do about this whole tree nonsense. Check her out; she’s staring it down.

Google is my friend

Have you ever tried to “google” yourself? Laugh if you must, but I do it all the time. Sadly, Alice Gold never brings up anything to do with me. Interestingly there are many other Alice Gold’s in this country. Also interesting is that they all seem pretty accomplished. A third interesting note is that my mother-in-law is also Alice Gold. She goes by her middle name Faye, but unfortunate for her she doesn’t show up in google either.

So, when searching the engine for Alice Gold got old, I adopted a new favorite pasttime. Now, about once a week I will google “imsofunny”. Today I was absolutely elated when I showed up in the #2 spot. Man, I can’t believe that I am almost the famous writer that I have been dreaming about for so long. That was facetiousness, in case my naysayer anonymous commenter is reading. (and, yes I do know what facetious means, as well as budget conscience) It is amazing what one can find searching on the internet. One of my previous posts shows a funny find on Ask Jeeves. This search was in reference to one of my most liked entries: Cialis.

I cannot imagine life without google. LeGrand spent years trying to convince me that we needed to upgrade from dial-up to DSL. I always resisted! (Yes, this was before my blogging days) Well, now, occasionally when we go over our budget,(which unfortunate for me we have been doing a lot of lately) LG and I will discuss places we can cut back.

Now, the tables have turned and LG will sometimes suggest cutting out the DSL. I am dumbfounded that he really thinks he can live without fast Internet at home because you know we are NEVER going back to dial-up. Lucky for me, I made a very smart deal with LeGrand before I embraced modern technology. Before I got my DSL or my cell phone I warned him that I would be unable to go back. One point for me in the spousal war…it was as if I knew he would try to renege the offer. HA! I love unwritten contracts. He can never take away my cell phone or my DSL because I refused to get them without him promising that he wouldn’t renege.

So, what am I going to do on the computer next? Search for an elf costume for Abigail’s school play on Thursday. How did my mother take care of stuff like this in the old days? Can you believe that I actually went and sat at Hobby Lobby looking for a costume pattern today? What was I thinking? I just got on the information superhighway (whatever it is that Nadelie calls the internet) and found what I needed to do in 1 minute flat. Every second spared when you are a mother = one second to do something a little more enjoyable (like blogging). And, a good side note. I just saved us $40 on an elf costume. I’ll have to tell LG that the DSL paid for itself this month. He will be so happy.

Next blogging topic: mapquest.