Conversation Pieces

LeGrand has repeatedly warned me that blogging about “the bedroom” is off limits and so I hope the following two funny conversations don’t cross the limits. If you are the kind of person who is afraid that you may not want to read further, please stop here. I don’t want to embarrass you or me. If you are even just 1% like me then I am sure I just peaked your curiosity and I know you will have to keep reading, even if you don’t know if you want to. If that is the case, I don’t mind if I embarrass you a little, just don’t tell me if I’ve offended you. I offend so many people in my life, and I just don’t need one more. Consider yourself warned.

LeGrand and I have been trying to get pregnant for 8 months now with no luck. We’ve never really had to work at it before and so we have gotten a little worried. As we were talking for the two minutes that we actually saw each other last night, LeGrand felt it necessary to share with me the infomercial that he had heard on the radio. I vaguely remember, as I was half asleep, but the commercial mentioned that there is a link to an enlarged prostate and fertilization. So, my memory was jogged about another short conversation that had occurred that I meant to blog about: (for your reading pleasure, here it is)

So, we were at LeGrand’s parents for Christmas and an interesting conversation took place that I thought was worth sharing. LeGrand’s little brother Logan started commenting that he needed to go and relieve his bladder in the bathroom. This small statement blew up into a huge thing. Jordan, the middle brother, starts telling Logan that he shouldn’t hold it for so long. “It’s not healthy.” Logan then says, “Yeah, when I hold it too long it almost starts to hurt.” So, this conversation is going on and on and it is almost making me uncomfortable re-sharing it here. (At the time it didn’t seem to be such a big deal) During the whole conversation, where even Faye and I added a few suggestions, LeGrand, the oldest brother, was sitting across the room at his laptop, totally oblivious. All of the sudden, LeGrand looks up and loudly exclaims, “Oh yeah, well I have an enlarged prostate.” What in the world? If you aren’t already laughing, then you have to imagine the look on the face of my usually quiet and subdued husband. The look was as if to say, “So, top that, you wimpy bladder brothers!” LeGrand swears that he was trying to warn Logan that he may have the beginning of prostrate problems, but I think he was just bragging.

And another funny conversation that is totally not related yet is in a round about way. (has to do with male body parts – again stop reading now if you are easily offended) This is a conversation that happened between my brothers and sisters and I about a year and half ago. I have wanted to share it for a long time ago but have never felt appropriate. (I am going to now lose the two new readers that I gained this week, but hey, this blog is for me anyway and I like writing about funny things)

We were at my sister Sarah’s house. She lives in Lincoln, CA, and her house became the gathering place when my Grandma Dorothy died. The funeral was in close by Sacramento. All seven of us siblings were together for the first time in 6 years. So, where did the conversation head? – The natural place of course, what name were we each teaching our own children for the male body part. I have all daughters and so of course I wasn’t as involved here. My brothers, who all have sons were really getting animated. The following names were mentioned: Pe Pe, We We, Tinkles, Wa Wa, and on and on. Who knew there were so many choices? I had put my two cents in towards the beginning of the conversation, “We just teach the girls the correct scientific terminology like the parenting books tell us to….penis is the only word we use.” You should have heard the roars of disapproval from the peanut gallery. This is what really got the conversation going.

Seriously, I didn’t know when it would ever end. We were talking about his for about ten minutes, and the brothers started making up new names that would be good to use. I couldn’t stand it another minute. How could I possibly stop the conversation? Like a pro, if you ask me, “At our house we just call it King Kong.” (LeGrand is going to kill me because it really isn’t true) Yes, I really hope that you are laughing. But, if you are offended or not, I have to say that it’s o.k. because at the time, my plan worked like a charm. Everyone laughed so hard that we finally had a lull long enough in the conversation to change the subject.



  1. So classic. Just for the record in the Johnson household we call it a “guy”. Why you ask? Cause that’s what Tayson’s babysitter called it when he was potty training. It’s weird, but it works for us. 🙂 And you should hear the conversations at the Schultz table when you get all of us involved – it’s not pretty and not for the faint of heart. I love your blog. You always make me smile and laugh.

  2. I have never laughed so hard that night LeGrand just busted out with that. LOL. I really wish we lived near each other!! There’s never a dull moment when we’re together.

  3. For the record, Alice’s facts are all wrong. My laptop was not even in the same room and we were playing cards. That’s why Logan was trying to hold it so we could finish the round.Also, I did not say “Oh yeah, I have an enlarged prostate.” I said (to Logan), “Well, I have an enlarged prostate, that might be your problem too.”I heard a story the other day about a poet who wrote everything on a pad of paper instead of the computer. She said that made her a journalist, except that she could never keep the facts correct, so that made her a poet. Alice is definatly a poet and not a journalist.

  4. We were playing cards, but I wasn’t going to say anything. However, maybe the reason we didn’t hear the last part of what LG said is because we were laughing so hard!

  5. KING KONG?!?!? I laughed so hard reading that! I laughed even harder when I read, “..he’s going to kill me cuz it’s not true” and interpreted that he’s not a king King but a mini-monkey. But then I re-read it AGAIN and realized that the “name” given was the “not true” part.So I’m one of those readers who when I realized what the subject of the post would be, got a smile on my face and sat back and read away. My kind of humor totally.PS ~ For the record, our names are “pe-pe” and “lonesome”

  6. Hilarious. All of it! Even LG’s rebuttal. When Ben was potty training, he named it a “soggy” (as in, he realized what was making his diapers soggy). One of these days we’ll tell him the correct word…

  7. Although I struggle w/integrity (thievery etc.) my biggest struggle is charity. That’s a tough one, and since I have troubles with integrity, I don’t even attempt charity. I’m quick to anger and think evil of annoying people.

  8. It took Jarrett and I a month or two to get pregnant(and i got paranoid)–but no enlarged prostate involved, but I did yell at him for ALWAYS having his laptop on his lap–heating up his “King Kong” or “Wi Wi” or “Penis” you know they say to keep that area cool if you are trying to concieve. .. so tell LG to put the laptop on a table!

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