Funny Kids

Mass Scary
And here’s a mass scary picture of me just for good measure.

On the way to school the other day Abigail asked me how long it took me to learn to put mascara on in the car.

I told her that applying mascara while driving was a fine art that her mother had practiced a lot over the past 17 years.

I then added, to the sure relief of my reading mother in law, that even though the talent was quite handy, it was one that I hoped she would never try to learn.

Abigail said, “Why?”

LG quickly replied from his passenger seat, “Because, it’s scary, that’s why!”

Abigail said, “Oh, o.k. Mom, from now on when you put on mascara in the car, we are going to call it mascary.”

Hypocrites

Mom, what is that word that means you tell people to do one thing, but then you don’t do what you say to do?

Hypocrite.
Oh yeah, hypocrite.

So, if you tell us to wear our seat belts and you don’t, then you’re a hypocrite?

I guess you could say that.

Fast forward a week to this morning. (and I apologize to those of you who may not get the referenced Harry Potter magical creature)

Kids, please put your seat belts on.

Mom, you are such a hippogriff, put your seat belt on!

Oh, it was time for a little lesson while I shrugishly pulled on my seat belt.

It’s not nice to call people hypocrites, Abigail, and I am not a hypocrite, I just forget to put my seat belt on sometimes.

And it’s not nice to call people hippogriffs either.

Love Pairs
Look mom, we put all of the Little Pet Shops in Love Pairs.

Oh yeah, what does it mean if you are in a love pair?

It means you are the same kind and you love each other.

What do you do if you love each other?
I don’t know. Mom, why do always have to talk about sex?
They are just pet shops.
They just stand by each other and love each other.
And we put the spider and the pig together because we only have one spider and one pig.
They just love each other like friends.
They can be Charlotte and Wilber.
So, we aren’t going to have any half pig/half spiders running around.
No.
What would we call that creation?
Piggers or spigs?

Mom, you think you are so funny.

You’re not.

I know I’m not funny. To you. Ha ha.

Dad thinks I’m funny.

That’s only because he’s your love pair.

(And I totally just took literary liberty here with this last sentence)

So, what kind of love pair is this?

Oh the butterfly and caterpillar aren’t a love pair.

The caterpillar is too little.

And, they aren’t married yet, right?

Right.

And, I would like to bare my testimony,
You can teach morals to your children at any given time.
The End.

Vu Gi Na

My kids love their Aunt Amy, and her influence was priceless at our house a few weeks ago. Meaning. something that she taught one of the girls was good for a great comical moment.

It has to do with the post title, just in case you were wondering, but you know I have to give all the background first. I was reading on Scribbit this morning about words that Michelle Mitchell detests. It got me thinking of this experience from a few weeks ago.

I while back I wrote a funny post about the different terminology my siblings and I teach our kids to use for their body parts. (I can’t tell you how many google searches have led people to my post title Conversation Pieces) Who knew it was such a hot topic? We just had another similar conversation (yet, not quite as racy) for a good 10 minutes with our friends at a cookout on the 4th of July.

So, in this previous post I made it very clear that we try to teach our kids the correct scientific terminology for the human body parts. Our girls know the word vagina, but we don’t really use it. To the utter detest of my sister, we use the word crotch whenever we are talking about down there.

So, I was somewhat shocked and very amused the other day at our house. Bella was climbing on her sisters while still wearing her nightgown. She was just trying to get a better look at the GameBoy and Abigail wasn’t being nice. Abigail was getting a little irritated with the pestering and she sounded pretty foul as she screamed out, “BELLA, nobody wants you climbing all over them in a nightgown with your GINA in their face.”

I guffawed, “Abigail, where did you learn that?” She sensed my shocking tone and tried to calm me down with, “What? She knew exactly what I was talking about because a HUGE smile had crossed her face. She just wanted to make me say it too, hence the question.

So, I gave her what she wanted, “Gina”. (My apologies to Gina as this is the same spelling as her name but you all know this needs a long I sound) “Oh, (while trying to play it off) that’s what Aunt Amy calls it.”

What does a mother say to that? What any decent family member would, “Oh…o.k. well I don’t know if I like you saying that, it sounds pretty slang, but if your Aunt Amy taught it to you, then I guess it’s o.k.

Abigail replied, “Mom, what’s slang?”

The FBI
Years ago, LG got to the third round of interviews with the FBI.

I was secretly happy when he didn’t get the job.
(You can’t blame a woman for wanting her man to be safe.)
LG wanted the job mainly for the title. How James Bond it is.
And, there is nothing cooler than packing a gun for a living, right?

I guess we have another adventurous one in the family.

She wants the title.

And, take notice, I’ve taught her to not let anyone push her around.

At the bottom of her handmade work badge,

it says it all with her self-proclaimed title:

BOSS.

After she dies.

The girls and I have a little game that we always play. The girls grab silk flowers from the flower tower and pretend they have picked them for me. I always act surprised and say a huge thank you, and from my prior instructions, they always go and put them right back. They don’t know it, but I always think about how gracious my mom was whenever I did the same thing with her real geraniums. I often will also think of the little church song that I sang to my mom:

“I often go walking in meadows of clover, And I gather armfuls of blossoms of blue. I gather the blossoms the whole meadow over; Dear mother, all flowers remind me of you. “

So, on with the funny story. We were at Wal-Mart yesterday. As I approached the craft section, I was trying to herd the girls in and said to Bella and Sophia that they needed to help me find a Mother’s Day gift for Grammy. (I already got something for my mom.)

Bella and Sophia are very obedient children and they love their Grammy and so they immediately began to look around for something to give her. Right as I said this we just happened to pass by the flower arrangements for Memorial Day. In answer to my plea for help with Grammy’s mother’s day gift. Sophia grabbed the one below and said: “Here mom, Grammy will love this.”

You should have seen the innocent bystanders face when she heard me reply, “Oh wow, Sophia, Grammy would love that, let’s wait and give it to her after she dies.”

Sophia got shy when I pulled the camera out. Here is Bella showing the flowers to me.

She’s just so cute and funny

Bella: “Dad when you buy me a new bike, you need to get me a basket and a bell. Right now when I am about to hit someone, I just have to yell, ‘Coming through’!”

And, this sentence speaks volumes as to the girl’s personality.

She will accomplish whatever she desires in this life.

And, look at how photogenic she is…the girl can’t take a bad picture.

DUCK!

Our friends, The Aders, got four baby ducks a few weeks ago. It is so funny to hear Valerie’s two grandsons repeatedly remind everyone, “We are going to eat two and keep two.”

I guess they are learning the facts of life while they are young. Surely they don’t know all of the facts of life yet.

The other day, Valerie and I looked out the window to see all three of my girls jumping on the trampoline, with her two grandsons who had stripped all the way down to their underwear.

All of the kids seemed totally oblivious. They were just laughing and having a good old time…that is a story that will be fun to tell in a few years.

Going back to the ducks and the Aders. Kristy says that duck tastes sooo good. They bought the ducks for the sole purpose of having a gourmet meal. I think I will have to bribe Kristy with a paid ticket to her favorite restaurant, so that she can spare the lives of these ducks….No wonder why they call it a DUUUUCKKK! My only unasked question is this, “How can vegetarian Uncle Brian stand to live in the same house as all the carnivoric savages?”

Fast Sunday

Mormons have a Fast Sunday every first Sunday of the month. We go without food and water for a 24 hour period as a way to gain greater spirituality, show our reliance on God, and give to the needy. (we give the money we would have used on the food to the poor)

Yesterday as we were driving home, Bella (my 4 year old) was telling me about primary. (Here is a photo of her leaving a typical church classroom)Bella loves her teacher, Sister Dennis. She had a great day and was especially happy for the chocolate chip cookies that her teacher had brought to share.

The teachers don’t always bring treats and they rarely do on Fast Sunday. (because even though children don’t usually fast, by not bringing treats it is a way to support the principle)

Bella says to me on the way home, “Mom, Sister Dennis must have forgotten that it is Fifth Sunday because she brought us cookies.” So much for having taught the principle! I responded, “Do you mean Fast Sunday, not Fifth Sunday?” She said, “Yeah, I guess.”

Sophia Speaks

Sophia can by shy, although she is overcoming it a little at a time. Playing soccer has been great for Sophia, as well as her friend Allie, who I recently posted about.

The other morning, I took all the girls to their dentist, Dr Bo. (I will have to blog about Dr. Bo another day – LG always teases me that I have a crush on him – not true – but, he is just so cute with the kids – not to mention nice to me when they have cavities – Are there any other moms out there who just can’t forgive themselves when their kids have a less than perfect check up?)

Anyhow, on with the story. On the way from the dentist to the school, Sophia noticed that LG and I had not packed her a lunch. She started crying and begging me to take her home first, so that we could get her a lunch. I said, “Sophia, I don’t have time to go home, and they are having nachos at the school today and you like those. Just eat the nachos.”

This sentence again was replied with the saga, of which we’ve heard at least 10 times since the school year started. “But, mom, they always put chili on the nachos and I don’t like chili.” I replied the same way we always do, “Just tell the lunch ladies that you don’t want chili.” The thought of actually speaking to the lunch ladies was too much. Sophia started crying again. (This child must take after her father, I just don’t get her fear of people. It’s no wonder her father never formally proposed…that is just too much pressure!)

So, when we got to school, I decided that I was going to put an end to the nonsense. Sophia’s grade would be eating lunch in just 30 minutes. I told her that we were going to take a detour through the cafeteria to talk to the workers. She froze and planted her feet as to permanently attach her shoes to the piece of tile that is in the middle of the hall adjacent to the school’s office! I said, “Sophia, this is ridiculous. It is their job to feed you. You don’t have any problem asking me to tell every McDonald’s worker that you want katsup only. C’mon, I am going to show you how easy this is.”

I dragged her into the cafeteria where all the workers were sitting at their big table enjoying their last bit of a break before the kids came stampeding. There was no need to get their attention. All 8 workers were staring at me as I held Sophia in place. Sophia would not look anywhere but her feet and was squirming to get away. I said, “I am sorry to bother you, but this is my daughter Sophia. We just got done at the dentist and I forgot to pack her a lunch. Sophia loves nachos, but it a little nervous about asking you to leave the chili off. Is this something that someone could help her with today?”

Sophia was mortified. The head cafeteria worker didn’t quite get the seriousness of this situation. She stood and as she walked over in our direction, she replied, “We have to give her the chili, it is federal regulation.” (C’mon lady, work with me here.) I must have given her the perfect look of desperation. After staring Sophia and I down, she said, “But, we can put it on the side.” I said to Sophia, “Do you think you can ask this nice lady to put it on the side?”

Only silence followed. The lunch lady wised up and said to me, “Whose class is she in?” I told her. She said, “Don’t worry, we will help her today.”

I walked away, dragged by Sophia’s eagerness to escape. She was trying to keep her crying under control. I sat down with her as she tried to creep away. All I could do was hug her and tell her that I was trying to help her, not embarrass her. She kept repeating, “Just let me go to class, mom.”She finally broke my hold, and as she ran off to class, I hollered, “I love you Sophia, have a great day, and enjoy your nachos.”

I cried on the way home and called LG. I was plagued with the question as to whether or not this fiasco was even worth it. LG assured me that I did the right thing and told me that because I make Sophia face things that are so overwhelming, she will be better in the long run. For once, I didn’t totally believe him.

I was left wondering all day as the whether or not it was worth the trouble. After school, Sophia got in the car triumphantly. (I immediately thought to myself that I was the best mom in the world) I asked Sophia, “How did lunch go?”

Sophia replied, “It was great mom, they had a bunch of trays with the chili on the side already. I didn’t have to ask.” Well, I have to admit that this was wise of the lunch ladies (easier than staying on the lookout for the wreck of a kindergartner named Sophia), but I felt a little sabotaged. Where did the cafeteria workers leave my lesson? Didn’t they understand the depth of the execution?

A few days later, I took the kids to Wendy’s. (We love Wendy’s, here is another funny story about it.) As Sophia shouted from the back seat of the van that she wanted a hamburger with katsup only, I turned back and announced, “I am sorry Sophia, I am a little too shy, I don’t think that I can ask the Wendy’s worker for katsup only.” Sophia thought that was the funniest thing she had ever heard and responded with, “Mom , you always ask them for katsup only”, and almost as an afterthought she declared assuredly, “And, you are not shy.” After I ordered as directed, I reminded Sophia that talking to the lunch ladies should be as easy as it was for me to place that order. (Not that the additional pep talk would do any good, but a mother has to try)

Sometimes parenting is so futile. I guarantee that the next time we are going through the morning routine of, “For lunch you have a choice between teriyaki beef bites, peach and cottage cheese, or nachos…do you want to buy?” Sophia will automatically respond with, “I want to take, please.”

On a side note, because this post is about Sophia speaking: Sophia gave a talk in church today. She was so cute as she repeatedly said “The Dr. of Covenants”.