Marriage

The sense of a goose

I’ve been watching

The Canadian Geese

for several weeks now.

The seem to want to follow me

wherever I go.

On my run, at my house, on my errands.

They just keep coming.

I love to hear their honking greetings

and watch them change up their formations.

Call me weird.

That’s what my kids do.

One of them said the other day,

“Mom. what’s your fascination with the geese?”

I answered, “I don’t know

they are just so beautiful,

and we are lucky their flight

patterns go through here.”

The other day

while having a particularly hard married day

(oh c’mon, you have those too),

I was on the phone with a friend.

Outside of Wal-Mart,

crying a bit, is where I stood.

Pondering life.

While getting my pep talk,
tears were flowing freely.

I was in a place of major frustration.

Why?
was running through my head and heart
repeatedly.

Why does it not seem to matter

how hard we try?

Why can we not just arrive

where we need to be?

Why do I have to keep working so hard

just to be beat down

again and again?

Let down.

Again.

and

again.

I watched a large group of geese

and another.

Cried on.

Chatted on.

And then God sent me a sign.

In the form of two straggling geese.

They were all by themselves,

braving the big skies

without their group of friends.

They seemed to be in a hurry.

I instantly remembered a story I read

years ago.

It was titled

“why do we not have the sense of a goose?”

It taught that geese mate for life.

If the mate goes down for whatever reason,

so does its mate.

Couldn’t we have more loyalty as humans?

I looked up at those determined geese

and wondered of their story.

Then I heard God’s voice.

It said,

“Keep going,

don’t give up,

you may fall down,

he may fall down

but just like those geese,

you’ll get there

eventually.
Go the right direction.

Together.

Who cares

if every single other pair

of geese get there ahead of you.

All I need you to do

get here.”

Book Review – Daring Greatly

This is a paid for review as part of BlogHer BookClub.

Getting paid to read a book that I would have been

snatching off the shelf anyhow is a very proud moment for me.

Do you want to change the world?

Do you want to have more powerful interpersonal relationships?

Do you want to explore into your own soul

to make sense of your life?

Do you want to live whole-hearted?

Do you want to rid yourself from shame?

Do you want to understand men and women better?

Do you want to give your heart a hug?

I thought I would do something different this time and give you a list of questions for this book review. This book is so jam-packed with the “hard stuff” that I don’t even want to dare pretend that I get it all. I will be reading it repeatedly until I have absorbed and memorized every nugget of wisdom. I wish every other person on the planet would do the same. It would seriously bring world peace and most certainly would give everyone inner peace. I’m not kidding, It’s that powerful.

I was proud to be a part of this book campaign. I was thrilled. I mean I jumped up and down when I got the e-mail confirmation and cooked a fancy dinner for my family when it arrived in the mail. I have been pouring over its pages and sharing parts with my hubby every chance I get. I have compromised my facebook relationships with the overabundance of quotes from this book. I just can’t stop. It’s too totally amazing not to share. YOU HAVE TO READ THIS BOOK. If you don’t want to buy your own copy, borrow mine. I can’t share it though for at least another month until I have it memorized.

I had a powerful experience at work last night, using the principles learned in this book. I was substitute teaching a class at the therapeutic boarding school where I work. I gave the kids a reward for every half an hour of hard work. We listened to a song of their choice (with my approval). One boy chose a powerfully emotional song about a girl who wanted to be with her dying boyfriend forever. I loved it. Another boy in the class didn’t. He started to shame the song choice kid. I stopped him and talked with the whole class about “shaming” and talked with them about giving people space to be who they are, even if they are wrong or different. I then turned to the shamer, and told him how much I loved him and admired him and that I would hope other people would give him space to love what he loved. He got teary-eyed. He turned to the other kid and said, “Dude, I am so sorry, I don’t like that song, but it’s cool if you do.”

World peace, people. World peace.

A huge thanks to marriage counselor friend John Morgan who turned me on to Brene Brown just months ago. He shared with me her talks from Ted. I was hooked. Brene is a researcher and has a PHD and LMSW. Her life’s work is shame and vulnerability. Here are her videos. Watch them both. Come back if you have to. They will make you understand why you need to read this book. Even if you aren’t into that psychological mumbo-jumbo, you need to be.

CameraMan

Sing us a song

you’re the cameraman.

LG bought me a new camera

and signed me up for a photography class.

He’s so amazingly awesome.

I love it that he pays attention to my bucket list.

We went to a free rooftop concert on Friday night.

It was super crowded.

We couldn’t get anywhere near the stage,

so we found a secluded corner of the parking garage.

We listened to the great music

with a bird’s eye view of the stage.

And we made out all night.

Just like being teenagers.

It was awesome.

I know are sad that you weren’t invited to the party.

Don’t worry.

We played with the camera too.

Captured some goodies just for you.

Oh, how I LOVE this man.

Every day just gets better.

And now you see why I need a photography class.

How the heck do I make these photos larger

without distorting them?

It”ll have to wait.

I have to go to work.

My Love

Happy 15th anniversary to my love.

Yesterday.

He got a ukulele

and no action at all

because I just had a miscarriage

and it was the best anniversary yet

because he needs nothing from me.

Nothing at all to love me.

It’s his unconditional gift

and I am the luckiest girl in the world.

My love is bottomless.

It goes on forever.

Like through a black hole and back.

Or up to Jupiter

and all around it

and through it

to the next solar system

and then back

and then back again.

It would take the strongest hurricane ever

to spread the true power of my love for you.

Of course the hurricane would

have to travel the whole earth.

It would take a mouse’s

smallest tiniest squeak

to fitfully stand as the opposite my

loudest declaration

of love.

The prettiest fullest

most colorful flower fields

are not as beautiful to me

as your smile

or your eyes

or your hands

or your laugh

and especially your tears.

The happy and the sad.

The grandest canyon

which we witnessed together

as we stood in awe

is not even as miraculous

as how I feel for you.

Even the great Pacific

that gently caresses

the shore

while the sun falls

in majesty

is not as glorious

as what we share.

And I sit

to try and

put words to

communicate

how I feel about you

and nothing comes

that can do it justice

because

I know that

no matter how much

I love you today

and no matter how huge

that love feels

like my heart is going to explode

somehow

tomorrow

my love will be even greater.

Every day with you adds

a universe to travel,

another canyon to explore,

a garden planted,

and an ocean shore.

How can I express that?

How can I tell our future?

The slowest person

may be the last to laugh.

And that person may be me

every time

but I know I will be o.k

because you will always be at my side

and you

will always laugh first

because you are miraculous

and you will always be smarter than me

but that is one of the may infinitesimal

reasons I love you.

And I will always love you

and that love will always be growing.

It will never ever stop.

Just like our lives together.

Eternal.

Totally mind-blowing.

Completely flustering

because I am not smart enough to understand it

but I know one thing

the only thing that is important.

My love for you

needs time to never end

because it needs

that much time to grow

to reach it’s fullest potential.

The Risk of Marriage

After playing an intense game of Risk with my hubby and kids last week, I had an epiphany. During the game, Abigail (my 12 year old) and I were trying to kill each other off. We were fighting for Australia and both of our armies were scarce.

Before my daughter’s next turn came around (where she would have surely destroyed me for good) my husband swooped in from Asia. He killed every last one of Abigail’s guys (winning the game). I was saved. He was my knight in shining armor. Even though the game was over, hours later, I couldn’t let go of the satisfaction that I felt at being rescued by my man. I was figuratively living in peace in Australia with no enemies in sight.

I thought of the significance of having a man who would come to my rescue. This silly little thing meant a lot to me. I am just a romantic waiting to be wooed, what can I say?

Marriage is a risk that we all should take. It’s a risk because we can’t guarantee that our spouse will always be loyal to us. I have experienced the joy of fierce loyalty in my marriage as well as the complete devastation of having a spouse who is selfish. (Haven’t we all?) I choose the joy. Because no one is perfect, all spouses are sure to experience both.

I wonder what would happen in the world if we all could keep the perspective of fighting for one another instead of against one another? Surely world peace has to start in our own homes and neighborhoods.

I can’t speak for all women or men, but in my own marriage, I know that my husband and I are both much happier when I let him be my knight in shining armor. That requires two things: 1-he has to put me first and 2-I have to let him.

And yes, that goes the other way around. The only way we wives can truly be there for our husbands is if we put them first. That is the miracle of marriage. When you take two people who are fiercely loyal to the other you create a symbiotic and powerful union where two people feel completely safe and perfectly loved.

In the real game of Risk, however, you don’t have to kill off your kids. (Well, maybe just for a couple hours a week of alone time.) It is risky to let someone love you. It’s a risk that has to be taken for one’s ultimate happiness. It’s a risk that has to be made over and over again, especially when it didn’t pan out the first time, especially in marriage.

The beauty of marriage is that over two lifetimes, two people choose to risk their happiness on each other over and over again. There will be heartache, but over time, the heartaches will be minuscule and the love and loyalty will win, as long as we keep risking everything for one another.

The Trenchcoat

I was pretty stoked when I found this trenchcoat

at the thriftstore a while back.

Did you know that it has a special pocket on the inside for a gun?

My hubby is the one that explained that to me.

I was just thinking how my hubby
would love for me to show up at his workplace
with just the trenchcoat.
If I packed a gun along with it,
I do believe it would make me 50% more sexy.

I got a free item with my purchase.
Of course I picked a book.

Happy Valentine’s Day y’all.
I dare one of you to go to your husband’s workplace in just a trenchcoat.
Let me know how it turns out.

Sorry LG.
All you get is another dumb poem.

There are days.

There are days I want to strip down
and arrive at your workplace in
nothing but a trenchcoat,
but then I remember that you have co-workers.

There are days that I look at our children
and think how amazing we are
and how our posterity is the finest
and then I remember that they screw up,
but they are still the best kids ever.

There are days I can only feel love.
A love so consuming that I feel nothing else at all.
All I can think of is you with your arms around me
and then I remember how that actually feels
to my skin
and it makes me love even deeper
which I never think is possible.

There are days I want to scream at you
because you frustrate me to no end.
Why don’t you do everything the way
I do everything?
And then I remember that you do the taxes,
and the technical support, and the math homework
and I am grateful that we are different.

There are days that I wonder where you are.
Are you in a man cave or another universe?
You retreat often inside yourself
because you are introverted and overwhelmed.
And then I remember what a great listener you are
which really helps me because I am the talker.

There are days in the distant past
(and hopefully many more in the future)
that the world consisted of just you and me
and we laid around and did nothing
but be together
and I remember those times as
the absolute best.
Ever.

There are days that are swallowed up in the busies.
And you and I run around serving our kids
our co-workers, and neighbors and friends
and we don’t have a second to think about ourselves
or each other.
And at the end of the day,
it’s all we can do to sneak in a good night kiss
and mumble an “I love you”
before the night turns into dreams
and I remember that I missed you
all day long.

There are days.
Many many days.
And hopefully many many more.
Where you and I are in love.
Through the think and the thin.
The wrong and the right.
The counseling and therapies.
And lessons learned and mistakes made.
The tired and the awake.
The kids and the jobs.
The cats and the dogs.
The sick and the health.
The sane and the crazy.
The summers and falls.
And winters and springs.
The basketball practices and dance lessons.
And doctor appointments and lunch breaks.
The afternoon delights and faraway business trips.
The jokes and the tears.
The broken down cars and the puking kids on flights.
The campfires and lightning bugs.
The mountains and hills.
The lakes and the oceans.
The hotels and pools.
The woods and the downtowns.
The pounds lost and the delicious treats.
The Christmases and birthdays,
and Easters and Flag Days.
The scripture readings and temple trips.
The vacations and lack thereof.

But really all those days
make up for the most beautiful thing ever.
Me and you.
Sharing the days.

Because through it all
we can count on one thing
and that is that
There are the days.
And they are ours.

My Man w/o a Middle Name

I love LeGrand Gold. I wish he was given a middle name so that I could say that I love LeGrand _______ Gold because that would seem so much more official.

I do love you LeGrand LG Gold. I hope you enjoy your new given middle name since that is what I mostly call you by anyway. I am so proud to be your wife.

I wrote about my man while sitting at church a while back. This blog seems like as good of a place as any to copy my words for the posterity.

Please ignore if you are single or just mad at your hubby. I don’t want to add to your pain. Just know that I have been single and mad at my hubby plenty. It’s just that right now I can’t imagine my life without the total complete insane love that I feel at this moment and so many others. I am one lucky lucky girl.

I look around the room. One dad takes a screaming toddler out while his wife sits looking relieved for a break and for her partner in parenting and I realize that you are him.

Then I look straight across the way and I see another dad holding a newborn baby tenderly and I remember how much I love it when you hold a baby. You seem so much stronger in those tender moments. You are the protector for our little ones and the protector of me when I let you be.

I see the teenage boy excitedly taking notes and I think of you and doodling your L’s and your G’s in a boxy font so they array the way you like and I think of your special experience about the Savior of mankind and I thank God for it and how it has given you the courage to keep trying day after day.

I look up at the Bishopric and remember the days when I was honored the privilege of seeing you lead with humility and devotion.

I see the father with the teenage daughter and marvel that I did such an amazing job of picking a father for our very lucky daughters. You are a father that is fun, involved, kind and oh-so loving.

Yes, LG, the 80% of you that is beautiful trumps the 20% that is still learning.

I love you LG.

Book Review – The Magic Room

This is a paid review for the BlogHer BookClub.

The Magic Room: A Story about the Love We Wish for Our Daughters by Jeffrey Zaslow

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Let me start this review by telling you that I got married 10 days after we decided to tie the knot. The day after deciding that we didn’t want to wait any longer, I ran into a local wedding-dress shop and asked for something simple and cheap. I tried on one dress off the clearance rack and said “I’ll take it.” I shopped alone and I called my then non-official fiance (he never really proposed) and asked him if he would o.k. me using $200 from my paycheck to buy the blasted dress.

I felt it appropriate to start this review with my own wedding dress story as this book is a compilation of wedding dress stories. In The Magic Room Zaslow did a great job of telling the story of Becker’s Bridal in Fowler, Michigan. In this teeny tiny barely thriving US town, there are a few constants, Beckers is perhaps the most impressive, only outlasted by the loyal long-standing families that reside there.

Even though I am not much of a romantic, I really enjoyed this book. I thought the author did a great job of interlacing the stories of various recent brides with the stories of the Beckers’ royal family. For five generations the Beckers have faithfully served a very large portion of the bridal industry within the United States, many times selling dresses to mothers who years later bring in their own daughters to the same shop to purchase a dress of their own.

Unexpectedly, I learned a lot about the worldwide and US trends of marriage in this book. Zaslow has a knack for making statistics interesting, statistics like “25% of first-time brides have children. Another 7 to 8 percent are pregnant” and “forget the seven year itch, UofM researchers have found that more divorces now happen in the fourth year of marriage than any other.”

Overall, this is a great book jam-packed with various intriguing biographies, families’ dreams and losses, wedding magic, and like it says on the cover it’s mostly “a story about the love we wish for our daughters.” Indeed, I do hope to one day take one of my four daughters to this magic room or at least one just like it in my own region of residence.

View all my reviews

You can read more discussion about this recently published book at the BlogHer discussion boards.

Only Have One

I’m a codependent.
A full-fledge flaming codependent.
What does that mean?
It means that I am addicted to others at an unhealthy level.
It means that my core issue is
needing other people to fill my love tank.
It means that I unconsciously do things
(all the time) to feed my addiction.
Things like making too many comments in Sunday School.
Or blogging for attention.
I often cry myself to sleep at night because nobody cares.

And then there are the times (too many times)
that I try to require things of my husband,
things that I need to let go.
I don’t do it to be wrong,
I just want to be loved
and I just want to love others
and so I hold on to that thing
far too long.

It’s part of my addiction.
I try to control other people.
Unconsciously.
To gain importance.
To get love.
I can’t have enough of love and importance.

Just saying it is part of the addiction
doesn’t excuse it
because it is still very much my life
and I have to own it and change it
and sculpt me into what I want me to be.
It does give understanding
and the first step to fixing is admitting.

So, this post is my way of letting something go.
Something hard.
Even though I have every right to care about it.
and I am completely justified in my desires
because they are pure.
Yet, they are my desires for him,
and not his desires for him,
so I have to let it go.
Even if he is wrong
and doesn’t see it.
Because I can’t live his life.
I can only live my life.

Apparently JJ Heller understands
why I cried myself to sleep last night.
Next time I am going to sing this little song
instead of getting all frustrated with myself.
Because let’s face it,
nobody gets it right every time.
Everyone needs room to screw up.

And I have decided that true love is
really only one thing.
Loving each other through your screw ups.
And boy do I love that man.
I’m the luckiest girl that he loves me back
even when I try to control him.