Only Have One

I’m a codependent.
A full-fledge flaming codependent.
What does that mean?
It means that I am addicted to others at an unhealthy level.
It means that my core issue is
needing other people to fill my love tank.
It means that I unconsciously do things
(all the time) to feed my addiction.
Things like making too many comments in Sunday School.
Or blogging for attention.
I often cry myself to sleep at night because nobody cares.

And then there are the times (too many times)
that I try to require things of my husband,
things that I need to let go.
I don’t do it to be wrong,
I just want to be loved
and I just want to love others
and so I hold on to that thing
far too long.

It’s part of my addiction.
I try to control other people.
Unconsciously.
To gain importance.
To get love.
I can’t have enough of love and importance.

Just saying it is part of the addiction
doesn’t excuse it
because it is still very much my life
and I have to own it and change it
and sculpt me into what I want me to be.
It does give understanding
and the first step to fixing is admitting.

So, this post is my way of letting something go.
Something hard.
Even though I have every right to care about it.
and I am completely justified in my desires
because they are pure.
Yet, they are my desires for him,
and not his desires for him,
so I have to let it go.
Even if he is wrong
and doesn’t see it.
Because I can’t live his life.
I can only live my life.

Apparently JJ Heller understands
why I cried myself to sleep last night.
Next time I am going to sing this little song
instead of getting all frustrated with myself.
Because let’s face it,
nobody gets it right every time.
Everyone needs room to screw up.

And I have decided that true love is
really only one thing.
Loving each other through your screw ups.
And boy do I love that man.
I’m the luckiest girl that he loves me back
even when I try to control him.

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10 comments

  1. I have only met you twice…a long time ago, and I liked you. As long as you are being yourself, people will like you and love you. It is not the quantity of people that know, like, and love you, but the quality of people- the people who love you for who you are. I dont completely understand codependence, but I do understand that love should not be forced or so hard to obtain because really it tends to fall into place almost effortlessly by the most important people in your life.

  2. I love you too much to let screw ups get in the way. Plus, I am pretty sure that I need more room to screw up than you. So, you will always have plenty of room with me.

    Love you.

  3. such a beautiful song. Sorry I have not been by lately go give some blogging love (comments). Been drowning a bit in the children's holiday craziness (concerts) So ready for the break to begin.

    Don't forget you are amazing! Have a nice day.

  4. It is hard for me to comment on this one because as you know — I have some similar struggles of my own.

    Just know that I love you and miss you a bunch! You are amazing and don't ever feel otherwise.

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