Funny

LeGrand’s the man
…yep, he really is the man.
And should I mention that he’s been quite lonely lately.
If any of you have been feeling lonely too, this link is just for you.
(Thanks for the laughs Kristen. I just love ya.)
And if you can’t relate, or even think that this is at least 50% true,
you have no business being my friend,
or you just aren’t pregnant enough.
I will feel better any day.
It’s the 12 week mark.
Yahoo.
Hopefully, I will find some blog time,
just as soon as I get my house back in order.

Beer alternative.

We had a talk with our daughters last night about what it means to be worthy to go to the temple. (For those of you who aren’t Mormon and are curious as to what it means to be worthy to go to the temple, I suggest you read this.) Here’s the conversation.

Me: “So girls do you know what you have to do to be able to go to the temple someday?”

Abigail: “Yeah, we have to keep the commandments?”

Me: “So, what exactly are you not supposed to do if you want to be able to go in the temple someday?”

Abigail: “What?”

Me: “Well, dad is about to tell you.”

LG: “You have to keep the Word of Wisdom, The Law of Chastity, pay your tithing, have a testimony.”

Abigail: “What is the law of chastity again?”

LG: You know, it’s the law that says you can’t have sex until you get married.”

Abigail: (embarrassed) “Oh yeah.”

Later in the conversation. Thank me for sparing you the details of the sex talk.

LG: “So girls, just don’t have sex and no drinking Budweiser, and you’ll be worthy to go to the temple someday. Got it?”

Abigail: “What’s butt weiser?”

I guess we’ve been successful in indoctrinating our kids to not want that drink. Who wants to drink anything that originated from the butt plant?

LG: “And girls, trust me on this, it’s a lot easier to not have sex after you are married than before you are married.” (with a wink in my direction)

Abigail: “Yeah, that’s because you have all these kids now.”

Church in the eyes of a comedian

We recently saw some friends that we haven’t seen in about six years. We used to go to church together in Utah. Marie reminded me of a funny thing that I did once. I’ve told you before that I am such an idiot. Marie says that the following is a story that she shares often about her crazy friend who worries people constantly…you never know what might come out of my mouth.

So, Marie and I were at church choir practice. And after the practice it was typical for everyone to visit and eat delicious refreshments provided by the perfect Mormon hostess/choir director, Nancy. After a perfect hour of music, Nancy asked me to say the closing prayer and to bless the refreshments. I gladly obliged.

During the middle of the prayer, I realized that the typical Mormon phrase of “bless this food to nourish and strengthen our bodies” wasn’t going to work…they were desserts for heaven sakes! So, I improvised with, “please bless the refreshments, that they”…..um…think fast, Alice!….no, you can’t say not make us fat!…that may really offend that fellow Weight Watcher friend….um….think…think…fast. “Please bless the refreshments, that they won’t make us …. sick!”

That’s the best I could come up with. Needless to say, after the Amens, and everyone lifted their chins and opened their eyes, all eyes were on me and all jaws were dropped. Nancy (being the perfect Mormon that she was) showed great restrain and didn’t kick me out of her house. She was perfectly composed and ignored me all together. I hadn’t even thought about offending her by alluding to the fact that I thought her food would make us sick.

I quickly tried to make it right, “Nancy, I am so sorry, you know I love your food…it’s some of the best ever….I just couldn’t think that fast…they’re refreshments, they aren’t going to nourish us and I thought sick was a better choice than fat.”

Nancy didn’t react at all. I don’t thinks she ever cared for me much after that. My Weight Watcher friend, on the other hand, said, “You should have said fat!”

And who knew that I had a comic routine on my hands. Here’s a clip to prove the point.

Cletus, Take the Wheel

Last week, I posted a little Tim Hawkins. He was making us laugh about the old school playground.

Well, lo and behold, a blogging friend of mine also posted something very funny from Tim Hawkins. After showing it to LG and hearing him bust a gut, I’ve decided to share the link.

But, in accordance with blogging 101, I am not stealing the video, I am sending you directly to my blogging friend for your viewing pleasure. And, just a heads up, it’s funny, but it’s funnier if you live in the South or are a lover of country music.

And, here are some more that I found funny from my new funny hero Tim Hawkins:

GM vs. Microsoft

I recently got this e-mail forwarded to me.

Snopes has indicated it isn’t a real press release.

Nonetheless, it’s still fun to read.

So, here you go.

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX),Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, ‘If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.’

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part ):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash…….. Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single ‘This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation’ warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask ‘Are you sure?’ before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You’d have to press the ‘Start’ button to turn the engine off
PS – I’d like to add that when all else fails, you could call ‘customer service’ in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!

Native American Cuisine


In the West there is something called a Navajo Taco. For lack of a better description, it is kind of a mix between a taco, a Pita sandwich, and a scone. And even though I somehow just managed to make them sound very scary, Navajo Tacos are very good and filling. We are sad that we haven’t eaten one in years. We have only Petro’s in the south. I suppose that is as close as we get to a Native American Cuisine. I guess all the Confederates scared all the Natives away long ago.

Well, as part of our trip out west, it was our goal to eat every Western cuisine that we miss while living in the South. We hadn’t really mentioned a Navajo taco, but whenever we saw a place that offered anything we can only get out West we stopped. We were constantly on the lookout for our favorites. (remembered or not)

After spending a day at The Grand Canyon, we immediately got on the road. We were in a hurry to get to my mom and dads. We had not eaten lunch and were starving, but figured we would see something on the way and would save time by eating in the car. We wrongly suspected we could find food on the road cheaper than we could in the Canyon. We ended up bi passing the only little town that would have anything to eat, and gassed up in the middle of nowhere. The trip turned into hours and we were well into dinner time.
The only thing we passed on the road were these Navajo Shops where the Native American tribe members sell their jewelry, pottery and such. There was a new shop about every 10 miles. They all looked exactly the same and seemed to market and sell the exact same items.
Now I know you all already realize that LG has an MBA and is always looking for good business opportunities. We were all getting hungrier and crankier by the second. Finally LG turned to me and in desperation exclaimed, “You would think that some of these Navajos would start selling some tacos.”
And, that, ladies and gentlemen, gives you the quick wit I live with on a daily basis. LG needs to start his own blog that features his humor. He’s so much funnier than I could ever hope to be. I am so happy to have a husband that has never let me down on his promise to make me laugh every day.

God’s in charge, and I don’t need a picture to illustrate my point.
My Internet has been out for a couple of days.
I have been going a little crazy.
I have become dependent, not just because of my blogging,
but because of the following reasons:
I could not get maps to anywhere I needed to go.
I could not balance my checkbook or make sure I had enough money for retail therapy.
I could not check my e-mail.
I could not google anything, including but not limited to the Olympic stats, several health conditions, recipes, school stuff, and church stuff.
I couldn’t use the yellow pages.com and you all know that I have forgotten how to use a real phonebook.
and, last, but not least,
I was forced to finish the organizing and cleaning I started on Monday.
Which, also meant that I was forced to ALMOST finish ironing my husband’s whole closet worth of clothes. And, you all know how much I hate to iron. I say almost, only because I have limited myself to 15 items of clothes a day.

Well, the reason for the post. The at&t guy looked at me a little crazily while I told him that God himself had been making our Internet work, even though it had not been hooked up to the right port for the past 3 years.

“Seriously”, I informed, “I have no doubt that God waited to let my connection go until he knew that I could handle it. Can you believe that it only took me 3 years to get my act together?”

Um, yeah, he didn’t answer me.

So, my friend Kristy e-mailed me a little story that illustrates that God knows what he is doing. I hope you all get a good smile…don’t know if it is good enough for a laugh. Along with that smile, I hope you know that God is always watching over you, even if it comes in the form of a flying cat.

Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. That’s what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went ‘boing!’ and the kitten instantly sailed through the air – out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they’d seen a little kitten.No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, “Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,” and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, “Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?” She replied,”You won’t believe this,” and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing.

Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, “Well, if God gives you a cat, I’ll let you keep it.” She told the pastor, “I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won’t believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.”