I can’t help falling in love with you. [progress report]

I was thinking this morning that it is time for accountability on the blog. Imagine my surprise when I just looked up the dates and discovered that today marks this blog’s four month anniversary. It’s as if my inner blog-clock runs my psyche. When I saw today’s date up next to my first post’s date, both marked with the number 18, I kind of felt like I was in the Twilight Zone. No, not that creepy episode with the talking stalking doll, but the opener when the guy is walking into the black hole. This blog is my alternate universe that I gladly walk towards day in and out.

So, how am I doing with my little experiment of learning to be in love at home, you wonder? Honestly, I am doing so well I could probably just stop blogging about it. (wouldn’t that be funny if I just left this post with that last sentence and never came back? – tempting)

I am happier than I have been in a very long time. Yesterday we all went to the pool and even though it is my general instinct to want my kids to go and play and leave me alone to read my book, I found myself engaging more than ever. I got into the pool and played. Don’t get me wrong, I still have a long ways to go most of the time I was suffering through with the occasional moment of sincere pleasure. I would like to get to the point that I can really live in the moment with my kids and have them be a more enticing focus than any book, but I am making progress and with that I am happy.

While I was emotionally analyzing before writing this update, a song came to mind. It’s in the post title. I think the lyrics say exactly how I feel today: I can’t help falling in love with you. As I have really worked towards shedding my resentment, anger, expectations, pride, and selfishness my progress has happened naturally. By taking myself out of the picture, I’ve noticed the small humans in my home more than ever, and they are wonderful people with whom I can’t help falling in love.

My children aren’t here to sabotage my life, they are here to be my life. It may not be the life that I would choose, but they are the life that God has chosen for me and I am learning to trust that he knows what he is doing. Recognizing that I am happier than ever before makes it easier for me to continue to trust. It feels good to live on trust. While I keep turning to God to overcome my crap, He keeps dishing out happiness, joy, and feelings of love and admiration. It’s a win/win. It’s not a win that I have every moment of every day, but one that I am having more often.