Month: March 2013

The Mom Test

It’s 12:50 a.m.

Because I am a mom

this is how I spent the last

15 minutes of my life.

I was in a dream

and then there appeared

Sophia

my 11 year old

at the side of my bed.

I opened my eyes

because

she was covered in

florescent paint

and saying

something

that

I couldn’t quite understand.

She called to me

and so I knew

it was important

but I couldn’t

get a handle of what

was happening

in my dream

until I let it

“Mom, I just puked.”

I wasn’t dreaming.

I flew out of bed

using the wings

that God installed

just for moments

like these.

If I would have looked

back I would

realize that

my partner in crime

couldn’t help it

that God didn’t

make him for this job

and that is why

he hadn’t moved

an inch

or an eyelid.

Before I knew it

I had stripped

down every inch

of that top bunk.

Of course

it was the top.

And of course

I needed those wings

so as not to

wake the one

sleeping on the bottom.

No need to mention

the smell or color

of the foulness

or how it sloshed

from pillow

to sheet

to comforter.

I looked down at my

daughter

to see her

use the trashcan

I had somehow provided

before flying into action

on the bedding.

The florescent

colors were gone now.

I blinked to make sure.

Before I could get my bearings

I started to remake the bed

and then thought to ask

“Sophia,

do you want to sleep on the couch?”

The answer came quietly,

“Yes mom, that’s a good idea

but I have all this gross stuff

all over me.”

“Is it just on your shirt?”

“I got a little on my cast,

and it’s all in my hair.”

In to the bathroom

we flew.

I cleaned

off her arm cast

(and chuckled

at the thought

of the flu

and a broken arm

at the same time)

with a Clorox wipe

in between

the heaves into the toilet.

I applied

the two plastic

bags and rubber bands

that I had so

neatly stored

under the bathroom sink

yesterday.

I then turned her around

and stripped her down.

She’s at a private age.

11 is tricky.

Somehow I was

instinctual enough

to just know

to have her step into the

shower before removing

her soiled clothes.

“Sophia,

did you start your period, too?”

As in,

on top of

the broken bone

and puking.

She looked at me confused.

“Or did you

just poop your pants?”

She sheepishly answered

that she thought

that wasn’t her period.

I plugged

the tub

and started the warm water.

Then I gathered the

dirty clothes

and the dirty linens

and headed to the laundry room.

I got the worst

loaded into the washer

and realized that the 13 year old

never started her laundry

like her told her to

before heading to work

this afternoon

or yesterday afternoon,

depending on the time.

Thank goodness

for adolescent

irresponsibility.

I grabbed

an extra blanket

and headed back upstairs

to the couch

where I found an

almost empty roll

of duct tape

which someone

had not put away.

The item that

had been alluding

my memory

for the past two days

came to me.

Compound W

needed to be added to

the grocery list.

Baby Caroline’s

wart must be attended to.

Compound W

combined with

duct tape

is the best

antidote

for warts.

I actually

learned that

before I had

kids

if you don’t

count the hubby

and his massive

wart on his right knee

that I cured

shortly after marriage.

I washed and rinsed her hair.

twice.

And handed her

some soap

to take care

of the backside.

I held up her right arm

wrapped in plastic.

Placing back the soap

I told her to rinse with water.

I took care of the towel

which I had given her to rest

her broken arm on.

I guess the ledge on the tub

wasn’t big enough,

it was floating at her feet.

I ran (I mean flew)

into her room

and grabbed her

comfy shorts,

undies,

t-shirt,

and a cami

because times like

these are too harsh for bras

(even if she does

normally wear hers to bed)

and she will appreciate

the extra layer

of support.

How do I know?

Because I am a mom.

And I always pass the test

even when I am failing.

Here I sit

watching, typing,

shaking my head in disbelief,

not even longing

for sleep to come back to me.

Because I am a mom.

And I am always on duty.

Always.

Notice her favorite

scooby doo blankie?

I made it for her

when she was seven

and without even realizing it

I had grabbed it off

the couch downstairs

while fetching

the other warmer

blanket

just

before flying

back upstairs

30 minutes ago.

Just say no to mom jousting.

I recently read this blog post
after it was shared several times
by my friends on facebook.
Rage Against the minivan wrote it.
Can I rage against the minivan too
even if I drive one?

This is my two cents today.
Parents don’t have to tell other parents
what to do or not to do.
Parents have to grow a backbone
and tell their kids to NOT expect something
just because other kids have it.
This is the problem with our society in general.
Parents are all competing
instead of supporting each other.

Sometimes (actually all the time)
we just need to check out of the
Mormon mommy blogger culture.

“Oh, you throw huge themed parties for your kids,
well my kids must have that too.”

You read 10 books every night.
You always have ironed clothes.
You have sterile bathrooms.
All your clothes are from Matilda Jane.
You have an elf on the shelf.
You have a 5 course meal every night?
Your kids are each in a music lesson, a sport, and a cultural extra-curricular…
and you have 10 boys and 5 girls?
You have a leprechaun that shows up for Christmas?

Do you see how it can become a really huge problem
when you try to do everything like everyone else?

No. No. No.
That’s all it takes.

And guess what?
Your kids don’t care.

Or they may care
and then when you say no
they’ll figure it out for themselves.

Case in point.

This is Bella
pretending to be
a leprechaun
for Saint Patrick’s Day.
She thought that
Caroline deserved some fun
that we didn’t want to provide.

Book Review: Deadly Undertakings

Mr. Luke sent me a copy of this book
with no agreement for my review,
and that makes him really super cool,
and one of my favorite authors ever
along with Julie Ford.

My reviews are always honest.
This book is definitely one that you won’t regret buying.

Deadly Undertakings by Gregg Luke
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Gregg Luke has delivered once again. This creepy whodunit mystery about a serial killer who drains his 100+ year old healthy victims (yes plural) of their blood and the boyfriend/girlfriend police detective/assistant medical examiner duo who are trying to catch him is a perfectly blended half suspense and half love story. I love a good mystery especially when I can’t figure it out until the very end, but even more I am a big sucker for a good love story. Why does it always surprise me when a man can write romance? Nice job Mr. Luke.

Gregg is a fantastic author who knows how to pace a story just right to keep the reader engaged, masters in-depth characters, and draws us into his awesome imaginary worlds: even though you know they are fiction, Gregg Luke has a knack at making them seem very real.

I always love reading books that are set in Utah, but this one was so creepy it almost made me wish it was set somewhere else. The bad guy(s)were oh so bad and the good guy(s) were not just perfectly good but perfectly flawed as well. This story is a great reminder that even broken people can be brave and they especially need to stay vulnerable. I love when there are subliminal messages towards mental health hidden inside the pages of fiction.

I am torn between a 3 and 4 star rating,
I think this books lies perfectly safe at 3.5.

It definitely isn’t to be read when you are home alone.

View all my reviews

Winner for a Gaze Into Heaven

Saturday morning

I picked a winner

for my book giveaway.

Congratulations

Norina

who was my

#10 commenter.

I find it interesting

that Norina is my winner.

She had a really hard

miscarriage years ago

and when she tried

to explain to me her

heartache

I didn’t get it.

At all.

Even though

I myself

had experienced

2 miscarriages

of my own

at that time

I just didn’t get

the longing that she felt

or the sadness

at what didn’t happen.

I get it now.

And even though

I still don’t believe

I will personally

be united

with any of my

four miscarriages

(even if this last

one was at 18 weeks)

I understand

others desire for that

and I will welcome

more children

in the next life

if that is indeed

how it works.

I loved the part

in the book

Gaze Into Heaven

that talks about

babies all

going straight to paradise

and being cared for by family.

There are no children

in hell.

And that is how it should be.

And that realization

has made my desire for

paradise

that much stronger.

I can’t imagine

a world

where there

are no children.

I can only imagine that

those reunions

between

moms

and

babies

are some of the

SWEETEST

ever.

Congrats Norina.

I am so happy

to give you this book.

I think that,

like me,

Bend Out of Shape

I have this great friend

Lynnae Boyer Weller.

She owns a little business called

Savannah Balloons.

You can learn more about her through her

website or facebook page.

Her balloon skills are awesome.

Here is her version of

Happy St. Patrick’s Day

I love it when people

can make our world

a better place

with their

amazing

artistic

abilities.

I wish I had more artistic abilities.

I plan to read

The Artist’s Way

to explore

if there is something

I have been missing.

Remember I blogged about Lynnae’s mom here.

I miss her mom,

she always made me smile.

I hope you all have a great green weekend.

I plan to make some shamrock

sugar cookies

clean house,

squeeze in a date with my hubby,

and enjoy

every last minute

or our last lazy Saturday

before Spring sports begin.

I wish you all the

luck of the Irish.

And just so you know

if you google

funny + st patricks day

you are going to

see a lot of stuff about beer

and even some naked redheads.

Rescued after 15 years, 6 months, 26 days

Take two llamas.

They are totally different from each other.

One is a pasty white blonde boy from the Bible belt

who is extremely intelligent, mild-mannered, and a lovely person.

The other looks almost Mexican (even though she isn’t)

is from Southern California

and is fun-loving, a total control freak, and crazy like a fox.

They are both Mormon llamas

and they have a lot of the same interests

the outdoors, music, family, education, spirituality, and playing volleyball.

These are the two llamas.

Just for the sake of the story.

They met on their Mormon missions.

They love each other very much.

One day they just knew they had to get married,

so they started making plans.

The boy llama being the shy kid that he was

never proposed

and the girl llama orchestrated every detail of their lives

and was then resentful that they boy

never proposed.

15 years, 6 months, and 26 days later

they land themselves in the

office of the marriage counselor.

Again.

They tell their story of

love and marriage

and how the boy llama

had another semester of college

to go in another state

and the girl llama

was all stressed out

and they just got hitched in 10 days.

The girl llama says

“I was a mess, I started freaking out.”

The boy llama said

“I married her instead of finishing my semester

because I didn’t want to lose her.”

The marriage counselor llama

says

“Aw, that is so sweet.

In your own screwed up way

you let him rescue you.

How romantic.”

The girl llama

was like

“Why the heck did I stay up

all night

crying

when

watched

Ever After

wondering

why I sold out

to the ultimate

love story?”

Isn’t he cute?

Book Review: Gaze Into Heaven

I love this book SO much that I am giving away a copy.

Leave me a comment with your e-mail address

and tell me which one of your family members

you are most anxious to meet in the next life

and I will pick one VERY lucky person

to get their own free copy.

Giveaway closes on Friday the 15th at 11:59 p.m.

Disclaimer: I received a book in exchange for this review

but my opinions are always true and 100% right.

Gaze Into Heaven: Near-Death Experiences in Early Church History
by
Marlene Bateman Sullivan

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This is the best book that
I have read in several years.
It has completely
changed the way

I view my mortal life.

I have sincerely

become a better

person just by

reading this book.

All of my Mormon friends
MUST READ this book.
And even you non-Mormons
will find this absolutely fascinating.

Gaze into Heaven is a book of complied true near death stories organized in a way that is easy to read. Each chapter is a piece of the after-life puzzle answering individual questions like what is a spirit body like and are there cities in paradise? What a wonderful compilation of early church (Mormon) history this is. The stories are eerily similar. Maybe eerily is the wrong word – I found it absolutely testimony building that all the accounts concurred with one another. “By the mouth or two or more witnesses” and witness they did.

These people who died and went to the other side and came back to tell us what they experienced did not know one another, but as I read their accounts I was stunned at the similarities. As I read the pages my life-long fear of dying dissipated. These Mormon pioneers described the freedom they felt as their spirits separated from their bodies, the joy they felt in the world with other kindred spirits, and the peace they felt in their passing and I found myself looking forward to the experience. For me that is a huge breakthrough. I cannot even explain my phobia of dying, its been debilitating at times. I am truly grateful to Marlene for writing this book and helping me have a greater understanding of my life now and into the eternities.

This book has power in its pages. After getting acquainted with just the first few chapters I felt like I was on hallowed ground just viewing the cover. I didn’t even have to open it to feel inspired although I did as frequently as was possible in receiving this balm to my soul. These stories are sacred like the temple and I am so grateful they have been shared.

Buy the book in the stores or online at

Seagull or Deseret Book or Amazon.

Go to Marlene’s website to learn more about the author.

Here is one of Marlene’s favorite quotes in the book from the experience of Thomas S. Thomas.

Thomas’ story was one of my favorites also.

Thomas describes what he learned in his near-death experience in the spirit world.

“All mental powers were restored. The fond memories of the past returned…your soul is endowed with wisdom and knowledge and filled with everlasting love…Distance is no barrier to transmit thought without instruments, or to travel under your own power. Your vision is magnified there; your future view is plain; desire for knowledge is inexhaustible; you are master of yourself intelligence is the key to all realms which makes an endless trail to all advancement and is a place of satisfaction and joy to the soul…

The grand greeting you first receive is from your closest of kin – father, mother, brother and sisters – and all that are near and dear to you who passed from earthly life and arrived in the Great Beyond before you. Your nearest and dearest friends and many others come to greet and converse with you. They ask about the conditions of their kin, those whom you were acquainted with on earth, and all are anxious to learn of their kin’s surroundings and conditions. You will find this a great meeting place of all souls, where information is eagerly sought, concerning earth’s conditions, by those who have passed from earthly life and are in this stage of existence. These souls are now busy, in the future existence, working in different habitations. Many are from different spheres. All souls are fully enjoying their positions and surroundings. You read from their cheerful countenances a condition of contentment..”

View all my reviews

Daddy’s Baby

I guess LG had been trying

to grow his hair out again.

I hadn’t noticed

until a few days ago he

lamented to me,

“Alice, I forget how far back

my hair has receded

until I grow it out.”

Bad for LG.

Good for me.

I love his hair buzzed.

Imagine my surprise

today

when Caroline

brought this photo to me

and said,

“Mom this is so strange.

Dad doesn’t have pokey hair.”

LG I guess

you are going to have to

keep

your

hokey pokey

style.

We’re you trying

to grow it out

at hopes of

revisiting

those newlywed days?

Better luck next time.

Momming

Did you know that there

are college degrees

in family science?

I never got it when I was younger.

Why would anyone

go to all that school

just to learn how to

be married and have a family?

Can’t anyone do that?

Doesn’t everyone do that?

I felt that those who majored

in family studies

were just doing so

because they wanted

an easy Bachelor’s Degree.

Or they were looking

to build a resume

for their future spouse.

“Look at me,

I want to

spend eternity

in your kitchen.”

The older I get,

and the more I attend

marriage counseling,

I am grateful for

the other suckers who

went through all the work

to help me to figure

out the complicated

parts that I never

understood back then.

And honestly: still don’t.

But,

just like everyone else,

sometimes,

I get it right,

without any studying at all.

Sometimes I get it right

out of sure dedication

and practice.

In the kitchen,

I need no therapy.

I am the boss.

In one small area

I’ve got the momming down

to a science.

I’m a PHDmf.

People Hone Down

(my food)

Here is a photo

for evidence.

Tuesday afternoon

this is what my kitchen counter looked like

right before I headed

out to my real job.

(ha ha – we all know

momming is my real job)

white chicken chili, homemade bread,

and after-school cookies

Let me brag for a moment.

Just the other day,

while we were on our way to soccer

Abigail received a text

from a charming young man

with whom we attend church.

We had taken his family

some cookies the day before.

He said,

and I quote,

“I would marry you

just so I could get your mom

in the deal.”

Fist pumps were had

all around.

This little exchange

made my day.

Add to the fact

that Abigail’s boy buddy

at school

(who has learned to cook

out of sheer desperation

because his mom doesn’t)

calls me

“the regular Rachel Ray.”

And

The neighborhood

adolescents’ each have

their own

favorites of mine

whether it be

pumpkin bread,

rolls,

cinnamon rolls,

chocolate chip cookies,

cake pops,

homemade bread,

pizelles,

or pizza.

Yeah I screw up

in the momming

Newga

This little lion has been with Caroline from birth.

It was a baby shower gift.

Thanks Aimee!!

Caroline named her

sometime in her first year.

Her name is

New-Gu

or Newga.

Every night before this sleeping angel goes to sleep

we have a routine.

We go potty, change into clean panties and p.j.’s, and read three books.

We then give each other big kisses

and I say,

“I love you the mostest.”

She then repeats it back to me

anywhere between 5 and 10 times.

Then I pull out Newga

(the last step til sleep)

and proceed to shower Caroline

with kisses from her favorite lion pal.

Caroline always tells Newga to “Stop it Newga”

while trying to hide under her covers.

Newga promises to behave,

Caroline comes out

and gives her a kiss

and then shares with lioness

her favorite pink blankie.

As I walk out of the room

I say

“Goodnight Caroline.
Goodnight Newga.”

Thank you to

Ms. Sunshine

(the pre-school teacher)

for a very permanent reminder

of how powerfully

this nightly ritual

speaks love

into Caroline’s heart.

Caroline brought this home on Valentine’s Day.

I am so glad Ms. Sunshine

wrote down exactly what

Caroline told her

even if she had no idea

what she was talking about.

We all knew

exactly who Caroline

loves.

I am so grateful to God

for giving me Caroline.

She is spoiled rotten.

We all love her so much.

Thank you God for Caroline

and for Newga

as a nightly reminder of

how blessed I am

to love and be loved.

alice w. gold

Where I reserve the right to be myself, apologize, and evolve.