Mental Health

I want to be happy.

Last year I read Stephanie Nielsen’s post on “happiness is a choice“.
[As some of you may know Stephanie was in a life-altering plane crash.]

I marvel at how the hardest trials in our lives teach us the most necessary lessons.

Here is a great quote from her memoir Heaven is Here:
{Go here, for my book review.}

“But even with all that others were willing to offer me, I realized along the way that ultimately nothing they did could make me happy. I felt comforted by family and my faith, but peace was different from happiness. At first I thought stubbornly that the only thing that would make me happy was for my life to look like it did before the accident. But no one could give that to me, and no one else could make me happy. Happiness was my choice, and though it is hard won, I am the only person who can stand in the way of it.”

I wholeheartedly concur that happiness is a choice. I often hear people complain about their lives and I understand that complaining is a tempting choice (one I give into often), but I guess I have learned the hard way that complaining doesn’t accomplish anything. In fact, if anything, complaining does nothing but make everything seem worse.

I concur that happiness is a choice, but I like how Stephanie put it: It is hard won. I don’t think we just say, “O.k. I am going to be happy,” and then we are magically happy. I think that we say, “I am going to choose happiness,” and then we alter our choices to make sure we are happy. It requires a lot of exercise to do this, but I have found that I have become a lot better at happiness as I have matured.

Here are the ways I have changed to become a happier person:

I try no to complain and count my blessings instead.
I take care of myself and no longer feel guilty about it.
I try to live vulnerably.
I have positive self-talk and work every day on loving myself.
I change and set healthy boundaries and try to live with love in my heart for everyone around me. (This is definitely the most difficult.)

How do you choose happiness? I would love to have more happy tools in my arsenal.

Oh and I love this song from the broadway show No, No, Nanette.

But it sure was a bummer when I figured out that the song was full of one really big lie.
We can absolutely be happy even when other people aren’t.
In fact maybe that’s the most important time to choose it for ourselves, when others around us are always miserable because misery loves company and who wants to be the miserable company.

Abigail The Mini-Einstein

My Abigail is awesome. She is such a great girl. The last couple of times I have watched her playing soccer from the car while waiting for practice to be over I just can’t believe she is my daughter. She is so grown-up. When did she become a woman? She loves to taunt us about getting her drivers permit in six months. Nothing better then that to make a parent feel like they are coming of age.

I love Abigail just because she is her but lately I’ve started to stress about what it will be like when she flies the coop. How will I know what to wear or what jewelry to match with my outfit? Who will tell me which shoes look better? What will I do without her to help the younger girls with their math homework? Who is going to be throwing out the smart trivia that always brings me such joy. This girls smarts always amaze me. I just really love hanging out with my Abigail. She has boundless energy and always makes me laugh.

Two funny stories about Abigail have occurred in the past couple of weeks. First is just a silly little thing but it demonstrates her silly sense of humor. She was talking to her friend about coming over to our new place to watch a movie. This is her wording, “Hey Kaimi, do you want to come over to my half-of-a-house and watch a movie?” The only reason she could even invite her friend is because the rest of us wouldn’t be home to bug them all night. We are literally on top of each other in our half-of-a-house, but at least we can all laugh about it.

The next story happened yesterday. It is A-typical of Abigail’s ADHD. She is my little mini-Einstein. She is just like her dad (except for the sense of humor and boundless energy and fashion sense – I’m taking all credit for those traits). She is smart as a whip but struggles with organization and motivation because of her ADHD. Although she could have taken all honors classes this year as a Freshman, LG and I limited her to two because we knew she would get overwhelmed. She picked math and science for her honors because those are her favorite subjects and are of the most interest to her.

All year long she’s been getting straight A’s and she’s told us that she was on top of her homework. We trusted her. Well, this is a pattern with her. She outright lies because she doesn’t want to do her homework. So, yesterday she texts me from school and tells me she is going to just drop honors math because her homework packet is due and she didn’t finish it. (The way they do honors math is by giving additional work to do at home to the kids that want it) I was not happy and kind of confused because I didn’t even know if she was allowed to drop it. I ended up calling the school adviser and after a couple of tries I found myself on the phone with her math teacher. I explained the situation and told the teacher I was NOT o.k. with this and would come pull her out of school right now to get the packet done. Her teacher replied, “No way, she is way too smart not to do honors; don’t worry I will take care of this. I will get her in here right now.”

Her teacher ended up texting her from one of her friend’s phones and got her to come to her class where she told Abigail that she would give her til morning to get it done. Abigail – 0, Mom – 1.

Abigail and I laughed about it all afternoon. Then LG stayed up until 10 pm with Abigail getting it all done. Math is just not my department. We now will require Abigail to show us her work every day so we can help her manage her ADHD better, but our final goal is always to let her manage it herself. Obviously, she hasn’t arrived quite yet but lucky for us we’ve got a few more years til college.

If you want a better picture of what it is like to raise an Einstein daughter, check out this commercial. It is so my Abigail.

If Only Mileva Einstein Could Have Slipped The Genius Some Ritalin #2

Who wouldn’t want to married to Justin Timberlake or Will Smith? What if someone told you that if you married them you would also automatically get a big old dose of rejection, loneliness, feeling ignored, frustration, anger, exhaustion, and a sense of hopeleness? (Read here.) I know from experience that all of these emotions are part of being a spouse to someone with ADHD.

The first of my series is here where I share some of our story. It also explains my opinion that Mileva Einstein may have been able to save her marriage also if there was Ritalin back in the day. A lot of good people are getting divorced because of ADHD. Even this renowned psychologist/author just thought her hubby was a deadbeat. My hope is by sharing our story we may be able to help save some struggling marriages.

Dr. Oz says that 75% of the eight million adults with ADHD have gone untreated. He admits that there are a lot of spouses out there feeling like they are raising another child. I highly recommend his online series on ADHD and marriage.

In the beginning of the series Dr. Oz interviews a really smart doctor with an Ivy League degree who wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until after graduating from medical school. (Just like my hubby wasn’t diagnosed until after plowing through law school) I loved this quote by Dr. Hallowell when he explained why he made treating ADHD into his life’s work.

“The struggle can be turned into a victory.”

From personal experience I know that this quote is true. That is why I started writing this series. I wanted to share my experience with supporting my hubby. I wanted people to know the coping strategies not just for the individual with ADHD but for the marriage.

So, if you are having any or all of those above negative feelings, your first step is to identify the problem. You might think the problem is just laziness, addiction, trustworthiness, inability, or even just plain stupidity but it’s more than likely not any of those things…it could very likely be ADHD.

My first two suggestions, echo this great article.

1- Get educated. Go over and evaluate. One important part of ADHD evaluation is that someone close to the diagnosed also includes their opinion. Often ADHD people are not even aware of their symptoms or are in deep denial.

2- Seek optimal treatment. There are three equally important parts of treatment. First – Get medicated. Second – Make behavioral changes. Third – Changing the way interactions occur in the marriage. All of these parts require some professional help. Don’t think you can do it on your own.

Stay tuned for the next post in the series where I will talk about our favorite parts of the second and third leg of treatment.

If Only Mileva Einstein Could Have Slipped The Genius Some Ritalin #1

My husband has ADHD. It’s true whether or not he feels like admitting it today. After the insistence of our marriage counselor he finally went and got back on drugs. Thank you Joyce! Four days later I can already tell a huge difference in him. The bags under his eyes aren’t as palpable, the deer in the headlights look is completely gone, and I would even argue that he is more emotionally engaged.

I’ve been feeling a little guilty that not only did I not recognize completely how his meds helped him, but that I didn’t insist he stay on them. Back in 2011, after a really bad couple of years in Tennessee, LG and I were grateful for a new start in Utah. With our newly acquired health insurance the first thing LG did was go to a doctor. He was really motivated to be amazing at his new job and he welcomed help from his ADHD prescription. However, over time, he got cocky. He felt like he didn’t need them and didn’t want to deal with the side effects. He also didn’t want to spend the money so he went off of his drugs. Slowly, over time, the old non-functioning LG was beginning to resurface but it was so gradual that I didn’t pin-point it. Once again the marriage counselor came to the rescue.

She had a really frank talk with LG last week. “LeGrand, do you understand how it effects you and everyone around you when you don’t take your ADHD prescription? There is not only a direct correlation but a lot of research to support the fact that your ADHD is feeding your other issues? You need it to be treated and you can’t wait another day.” Then she challenged him to get into the doctor last week, which he did, bringing me to this post.

I’ve been thinking a lot about living with Einstein for the past sixteen years. My husband is genius. I am not kidding. He is one of the smartest people I know. It is not surprising to me one bit to know that Einstein is a poster figure for ADHD. I am married to him. (I also have a daughter who is him in his female reincarnated drop dead gorgeous form.) My husband (and daughter) could not only figure out how far infinity is but once he knows the answer he could also quite simply explain it to anyone else who needs to know. When other people would have lost the patience to teach me after an hour of explanation, my husband always finds another way around explaining it (and another, and another) until I understand. When anyone has a question, it must be answered to everyone’s satisfaction. There is no way around it. Knowledge and wisdom are his guiding light.

My husband would also get to the other end of infinity and realize that he forgot his keys to unlock the door, and the pen and paper to write down the formula, and then he would make a mental note of about 800 things to do when he got back and proceed to forget every single one of them.

In short, it is extremely challenging to be married to someone with ADHD. If you don’t believe me, check out this article about Einsten’s personal life.

Let me help you understand what it is like.

My husband is on his 7th or 8th wedding band since we got married. It was really sad the first time it happened, and the second, and the third, but now I am not even sure if 7 or 8 is an accurate number. We quit counting a long time ago.
My husband struggles with major self-esteem issues because of his ADHD. No matter how much confidence I try to instill in him, years of under-functioning with ADHD have robbed him.
When my husband doesn’t know the answer to something (like fixing anything) he will avoid it indefinitely.
His keys and wallet are in one form or another of lost at all times. (One of LG’s favorite sayings is, it’s only lost if he’s looking for it.)
The man needs constant stimulation. Constant. I am not talking about sex, (although that works) stimulation comes in all forms…reading, texting, gaming, watching TV, fidgeting…doing all of these at the same time.
He literally cannot remember insignificant tasks like taking out the trash, complimenting his wife, planning ahead farther than one day.

The list could go on and on, but honestly all you have to do is read up a little on ADHD to understand the challenges I’ve faced in my marriage. Perhaps one of the hardest parts of loving a person with ADHD is their inability to connect emotionally. Here is a great article that explains how marriage is effected by ADHD. I really get the resentment mentioned about being the spouse who has to do everything. I am sure if you asked Mileva Einstein, her and I would echo succinctly.

As I was just researching for this post, I came across this article with this accompanying picture. I have read a lot about ADHD but this is the first visual that has brought home the reality of ADHD being an inclusive disorder. ADHD takes pieces from the rest of the disorders. For the first time, my husband’s ADHD also explains his tick of constant blinking (that in others would mean Tourette’s), his social anxiety, and some of his OCD tendencies such as never having dirty hands and always wearing socks with shoes.

This post has gotten quite long and so I think it’s time to split it into two. Coming next will be ways that we have successfully navigated through ADHD. The simple answer is we have remained loyal to one another, have sought out professional help, and never stopped loving one another, but stay tuned for some more specific helpers.

For All Suicidal Teenagers

Hi guys. Please hear me out. It will just take a second. Do you see this cute girl up here? This is my daughter Bella. Do you see that sad look on her face? She doesn’t like to smile for pictures. Maybe you don’t like to smile for pictures either. Maybe right now you are feeling like you will never smile again. Ever. There may be nothing to smile about as far back as you can remember. I have felt like that before. It’s a crappy way to feel. I want you to know that I don’t feel like that any more. In fact I smile almost all the time. I want you to know that just because right now things suck, they don’t have to stay that way. I need you to know that.

When I was a younger person there were a lot of times that I would go to the beach and think about jumping off the cliff. I would stare at a razor while taking a bath and wonder what it would be like to end it all. I wanted to end it. I really did. There were a lot of days when I was sick of it all. I was sick of not feeling smart. I was sick of my crazy family. I was sick of being called fat. I was sick of being poor. I was sick of feeling ugly. I was sick of being unappreciated. I was sick of knowing that I was not special. I was sick of knowing that I would never do anything amazing with my life. I was sick over the boy that I really liked but didn’t like me back. And to be honest, I had a right to be sick of it. A lot of those days were really bad and I didn’t have anything to be happy about.

But I do now. I have a lot to be happy about. I have Bella up there and I have three other kids who are awesome. I have a great husband. I am not even that fat any more. I ran 3 miles yesterday in 27 minutes. That’s pretty good for an old lady. I’m turning 40 next month and that is pretty cool. But guess what? I wouldn’t have any of that if I would have jumped off that cliff. I would have never figured out how to be happy if I gave up. I’m so glad I didn’t give up. I am so proud of myself. Only I can take the credit for choosing to stay alive. Nobody else did that for me. It was all me. There was a light inside of me that pushed against so much dark. Over the years that light has gotten brighter and brighter and the darkness is now the small part that tries to push against the light. I am proud to say that it doesn’t usually get very far any more. I have learned so much. I have grown so much. I have overcome so much.

I know you might feel all alone. I know you think nobody cares. I am not here to tell you that you are wrong. Nobody wants to be told that they are wrong. I am here to tell you that you are right. You are right to feel the way that you feel. Feelings aren’t bad. You don’t need to be ashamed for your feelings. Feelings just are what they are. All of your feelings are important. They are important to me and they are probably important to other people, but more than anything, you need to let them be important to you.

Right now, you may, in fact, be all alone. There may be no one else out there who cares. Nobody may know that you are hiding away ready to harm yourself. They may know that you are hiding away, but they probably figure that whatever you are going through can be worked out later. They may not understand the depth of your hurt or worse they may understand how much you hurt but they aren’t doing anything to help. There may be so many things that they can be doing and they aren’t. I am one of these people. I am a stranger to you. I may have NOT smiled at you today when I had the chance. I may have been unkind.I may have been thoughtless and said something stupid. (Heck, this post may be one of those things.) I hope I wasn’t, but what you are about to do could be all my fault. I don’t like sitting with that idea. That’s why I am writing this post just for you.

Now here is the part that you don’t want to hear. Sorry I am a mom. I have to throw one part in here. The most sad part about the way that you are feeling right now is not the fact that nobody else cares….the saddest part is that…..you don’t care. Somewhere in the last few minutes, hours, days, months, or years, you said….Forget it. I’m done. I’m not doing this anymore. I don’t care anymore. I quit. I’m not trying. It’s never going to get any better. I suck. I’m not worth it. I can’t fix me. I can’t be happy. I will never be happy.

Now steel yourself because I am going to tell you what you really don’t want to hear – you’re wrong. You’re not wrong in the way that you feel. You have every right to feel that way. You’re wrong that you believe that it can’t get better. I feel compelled to tell you today that it not only CAN get better it WILL get better if you just give it a chance. I know this because I have lived it. The only chance you need to give it is to live. That’s it. Keep living. I am begging of you. Please don’t think that killing yourself is the answer. It isn’t your best option. Yeah it’s an option and yeah it will make things go away right now, but what you can’t possibly understand right now is that you won’t just be killing all the darkness, you will also kill the light. Even if it’s just little right now and you don’t even believe that it is in there, you will never know if it could have grown. You will never get to see its beautiful potential living to its fullest on this earth.

Yesterday I got a call from a friend about an attempted suicide of one of her children. It hit home. Hard. I thought about it all day. I thought about you all day. I thought about what I could do to help. Her scenario was one that has already played out in my life with someone who I love dearly.

I wish more than anything I could have done something for him. I wish more than anything that I would have known he was feeling how you are feeling. I would have ran to him as fast as I could, and so would the other 300+ people who were at his funeral. We all would have wrapped our arms around him and wept with him for how crappy he felt if we just knew.

Last week, my friend found her son hanging in the closet and the only difference between her and others is that she found her son a lot sooner. He was purple. He had not been breathing for five minutes, but his light was still on just a tad inside his heart. Yes, inside his heart! Where else would it be? It was at the very deepest part and the dark was about to take it over. Sometimes the light is hard to find when it gets so small. But her son’s light wasn’t leaving. It wanted to stay, even though her son didn’t want it to.

She and her husband were able to revive him and get him to the hospital and hours later with a respirator down his throat his eyes opened showing he had come back to life. Everyone rejoiced. (Oh, how I wish I could have had that ending with my loved one) The medical staff said that this kid was a miracle. He was only the second kid that they had brought back from death and the first without any significant brain damage.

My friend was so relieved at the outcome and is relieved that her son is now getting the help he needs to find happiness in his life. She was so glad she got to say sorry for the fight that they had minutes before he decided to end it. She is so happy that he won’t miss out on so many of the great things that lie in his future. Maybe he will climb Mt. Kilimanjaro. Maybe he will learn to surf. Maybe he will find medication (like I did) that will make the dark go away. Maybe he will grow up to be a teacher and help other kids. Maybe he will just wake up tomorrow and really that is pretty amazing considering the alternative.

I know this may sound too dreary. It may be really hard for you to read. Why am I spreading this morbid message on the internet? I mean really, aren’t those scenarios only for THOSE families? The rest of us don’t need to hear about this stark reality. Only the crazies have to deal with their children taking their own lives. Well, I am here to tell you adults that you are wrong. We’re all at risk. This is a harsh truth.

Adults and kids are dying every day because they are taking their own lives. They aren’t crazy. Well, that is, they aren’t crazier than the rest of us. Aren’t we all a little crazy? The adults may be too afraid to deal with their mental illness because of all the sad stigmas in our society. (Adults, don’t be afraid.) The kids are discouraged and they lack reasoning skills. (Kids, it’s a proven fact that you don’t think rationally – you have limited vision into your future) That’s why I want to help you see that your future is pretty bright. The sun can come out tomorrow. You all see a way to escape unhappiness and are taking it. It’s not just tragic when it happens, it’s tragic because we are not doing enough to stop it. It’s tragic because when people rob themselves of the present darkness (which is undeniably relieving) they are also robbing themselves of the potential light (which is so bright they can’t even fathom it.)

Kids, please listen to me. I may not love you now, but I would if you gave me a chance to meet you. Stay alive. Keep fighting. Most of all keep caring about yourself because you are not worthless. You are not unloved. You are not stupid. O.k. you might be stupid, actually. You might even be fat, but you can change that. You can change anything that you decide to change. Your potential is only measured by you. Your light is the most beautiful thing in the whole world and it wants to live. It wants to chase out the dark. Just let it. It may need some time. Don’t rob it of its chance.

If this post hasn’t been enough to convince you, please call me and give me a chance to tell you to your face. (Don’t tell me that I don’t care as I am about to put my personal cell phone number on the internet and we all know how stupid that is) My number is 801 then 3 then 5 then 8 and at the end is 666 (my husband apparently thinks I am evil – he’s funny like that) and 2. Call me now. You have the choice to change the stupid part right now. Kill yourself – stupid. Call me – smart. See how that works?

Here is an interesting news story that I can’t get to embed for the life of me.
You are going to have to hit the link.
http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=24937434

Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death. Let’s change that.

The United State is the 33rd highest suicide nation. The whole world is hurting people. See, you aren’t alone in misery.

Suicide is growing. We can stop it.

If you don’t want to call me, call the hotline found here.

Your Kid Needs You To Fill in This Blank

I tell my kids I love them all of the time, but I rarely tell them them what I love about them. Honestly I hadn’t even thought about it until I just read this powerful post. {Trust me, you won’t regret hitting that link and taking the 60 seconds to read it} The post offers one simple suggestion that the author gleaned from another article. {Isn’t it funny how we bloggers just recycle all the good stuff over and over again?} This time the recycled goods is a jackpot of a fill in the blank for parents.

Now normally I wouldn’t welcome fill in the blanks. I swear that the blank state of my mind (not the blank line on the paper) was the real inspiration for the naming of the “fill in the blank”. I can’t tell you how many times in my life I stared down at a question on a test and silently screamed, “C’mon brain, fill in the *^$# blank! I know the answer is in there somewhere.” I guess I have finally arrived. It only took parenting for me to have a cinch of a “fill in the blank”. I can’t go wrong with this one.

Oh, so you didn’t click the link and now you are totally curious? O.k. I’ll tell you, you lazy-linkers, but trust me the other article says it much more articulately. All you have to do is say this to your kids: “I love to watch you _ _ _ .” [Fill in the blank with whatever applies.] See what I mean? It’s a parenting jackpot. You can’t go wrong.

I just went into my photos to find one appropriate for this post and I came up with all kinds of ideas.

“I love to watch you ride a skateboard.”

“I love to watch you blow bubbles.”

“I love to watch you hit your sister.” (O.k. maybe that one isn’t so good, unless you are raising future boxers and then it would be your own personal gem.)

The originally cited article tackled the difference between nightmare and great sports parents. It too is a great read even for the parents with non-athletic kids. Basically it communicates that kids don’t want to be critiqued, they want to be loved and supported. Don’t we all?

I remember one time after I pulled off a significant event at the kids’ school, my husband said to me, “I love watching you in your element.” I still tear up just thinking about him saying that and it was over a year ago. It made me over-joyous that he recognized my actions and affirmed them. With one simple sentence, he perfectly communicated that he was happy to be an integral part of anything I did even if it was just to watch from the sidelines.

Last Saturday while attending my 11-year-old niece’s soccer game I witnessed something really disturbing. A soccer coach belligerently took personal jabs at a 16-year-old referee. He told him he sucked and had no business reffing. He then said, “You have no social skills” among a myriad of other insults.

It’s one thing to tell the ref about a bad call you observed and another thing entirely to verbally abuse a person. Watching this out-of-control coach made me sick to my stomach. After the parents starting joining in too, I hollered from the goal-zone where I was sitting, “Chill out.” A few minutes later as the game ended, the coach walked down my direction and yelled at me to take my “chill out” and shove it. Oh, no he didn’t!! I stood up and called down all the powers of calm from the universe. I walked over to the coach who kept yelling at me to remove myself from his sideline. I calmly said, “I am just a mom here watching a game, I am not here to support either side but the side of the kids. You are being a very bad example to every kid out here. That referee can’t be a day over 16 and I am here to advocate for him.” The parents all started in on me about how bad of a job the ref did, how he is in a role of an adult so he can handle it, la la la. I didn’t even want to be that close to them, they made me sick. I said, “I’m not here to argue. I am just here to be a juvenile advocate”, and then I calmly walked away. On the outside I was a perfect picture of character, on the inside I was shaking like a leaf.

I couldn’t help but think how powerful it would be for every one of those maniacal adults to read the above article about nightmare parents. How sad it was for each of their kids to know that losing a game 6-0 could have the power to turn their parents into insulting and aggressive idiots. After that game not one of them could even tell their kids in honesty that they loved to watch them play because their cruel actions spoke way louder than their words.

Now, I am not here to peg me (the perfect parent) against them the non-perfect parents. We all have dark and light and my dark moment was just three weeks earlier when I railed into my fourteen-year-old after her soccer game for not playing to the best of her ability. As she walked with her dad to his car (to avoid me) after my good licking on the sideline, I felt like crap. I immediately called her and apologized but the damage had been done. We talked later with her and our other girls and they all told me they didn’t need my opinion about everything. I over-critique and they complained that I even over-compliment. The nerve! Ouch. They didn’t know exactly how to tell me, but what they really were saying is this: “Mom, all we want to hear is that you love to watch us play.” Thank you parenting article for making my duty clear and for giving me the right words. All I have to do is fill in one blank for the rest of my life. I can’t wait.

Saving Ourselves and I’m Not Talking about Premarital Sex

A while back our marriage counselor said this,

“There is nothing that will make an individual sexier than for them to take care of themselves instead of looking outside themselves to be saved.”

We were discussing my ability to stay under budget and something that my husband needed to do for himself – I can honestly say I have no recollection of what his homework was. That’s a good sign that I am rightly focusing on myself.

She continued, “Alice, you need to understand that when you are staying under budget, it is a real telltale sign to LG that he can trust you to take care of yourself. When you do what you need to do to be financially secure, he will look at you with a whole new-found respect.In fact you will not only be trustworthy but sexy.”

Last night I screwed up. I didn’t go over budget. Yeah for me! I did let my husband down by not really knowing what to do once he was vulnerable in telling me his fears. In fact I totally floundered.

I just sent him off an e-mail – sometimes communicating through writing is so much easier than words. I tried to apologize and I also tried to explain that I need to feel the security that he can take care of his own problems. After I hit “send” I went over to Pinterest wasting time until preschool starts this morning and this pin came up.

This says exactly what I was trying to say in about 300 words less than I did. It also spoke to me as if from my husband. Ofttimes I go directly into save mode when people don’t need saving. I have a huge flaw in thinking that everyone needs saving and I mean EVERYONE. I can’t fathom the idea that people can actually manage their own lives. This incorrect principle at my very core makes it very hard for me to have healthy relationships with people.

Saving ourselves is so much more empowering than waiting for others to save us and yes it’s even sexy. If I can convince myself that the only person I need to save is me then my job responsibility just went down by 99.9%. When I look at it that way saving myself seems simple. I’ve gotten a lot better at saving myself. I now just need to learn how to not only let other people save themselves but also how to best support them while they do. It’s a whole new world that I am navigating.

You Used How Much Laundry Detergent?

I just read this awesome article about how my generation of parents is enabling, stifling, and protecting their kids too much. I have to say I 100% agree. In fact, I have been part of the problem. I am trying to change.

My marriage counselor helped me to see what outcome I should want to have: kids who at 18 can manage their lives for themselves. That means that they need to start doing their own laundry, taking caring of their own time management, being in charge of their own homework, and managing their own relationships. There needs to be clear rules and consequences to the acceptable state of the house for all family members and we all need to be held accountable. I needed to not rescue my children as often as I was rescuing them. I needed to stop taking the stuff up to the school that they forgot. I needed to make them order their own fast food. If I don’t do these things now, they won’t be ready. It was pretty eye-opening when I started to see everything that I do as a parent that has robbed my kids an opportunity to learn to do it for themselves.

I laughed when I recently told a friend about my counselor’s suggestion. She had posted a picture of a humongous pile of socks. I told her that at the suggestion of my counselor, all but one of my children are now doing their own laundry and that I no longer have to deal with the sock pile. It’s awesome. She replied to me, the same exact way I had responded to the counselor. “I’m not ready to manage that right now. I can’t handle it.” My counselor called me out on my control issues (I spared my friend) and said, “No, you can handle it, it will be easier to handle actually. You just aren’t ready to give up control.” Ouch. We immediately went home and started the new and improved way of doing laundry.

It’s a cinch. It takes no management. I won’t say my kids love it, but they are incredibly impressed with their new-found independence and responsibility. The three of them each have one day a week that they know is their laundry day. When they get home from school, without even being reminded, they immediately go and put their stuff in the washer (or dryer if they really had their act together before school). The consequence was clearly lined out. If they don’t do their own laundry on their own laundry day, they will have to haggle with someone else to share their day or they will have to go a whole week without clean underwear. Yes, it sounds a lot like real life. That’s the point. You will be amazed at how well your kids will manage when they don’t want to be without their favorite clothes for a week.

I chuckle as I think about telling the counselor that I couldn’t possibly let the kids do their own laundry. “They will waste so much water and laundry detergent. It’s just more efficient for me to do it all.” She asked me this, “What is your goal for your children?” I answered, “I guess for them to be happy, functioning and self-sufficient adults.” She answered, “Well then, the cost of a little water and laundry detergent is what you are going to have to deal with – it’s what good parenting requires.”

I hate it that she is always right! And then while I sit here and blog while my daughter is running upstairs with her own laundry that I never have to worry about again, I love it that she’s always right. That session was the best $80 I’ve ever spent.

You’re Gold.

I’ve thought many times that I should dedicate this song to my girls.
They are gold literally and figuratively.
If you don’t get it, remember our last name is Gold.
I married into a great last name, but even better than the name is the fact that I am a mother to four beautiful daughters who are truly golden. They shine so bright and make me the richest woman in the world.

you're gold

: Here are Bella and Sophia mining for gold at The Mormon Batallion Center last week.

I was impressed today by this video made by a bunch of old stuffy Mormon clergy.
It touched my heart as I thought about these old dudes putting aside their stodginess to get a very important message out to the youth that they are called to lead.

You’re gold. You’re all gold.

We had a lady get up in church yesterday and talk about her newly appointed position as the suicide prevention specialist for the state of Utah. She talked about how excited she was to get out an important message to the kids in the state of Utah. Her message is the same: You’re all gold. She said she may not be able to teach them the gospel, but somehow she would find a way to get the message into the kids….they are of infinite worth.

This is a concept with which I have a personal struggle. In fact I received a message today from another lady from church. She sat through a lesson and heard a comment I had made. She took a moment today to say this to me:

Just thought I would pass along this quote to you after what you shared in Relief Society. It’s something I’m working on too! “One of the greatest weaknesses in most of us is our lack of faith in ourselves. One of our common failings is to depreciate our tremendous worth.” Elder Perry We need to try to remember that we are daughters of Deity and are so loved. Have a Great Day! P.S. My impression of you is you seem very giving and an incredible mom.

This beautiful little note was such a contrast to the barrage of texts I got last Friday from a disgruntled family member. [Noted: She had every right to be upset with me after my last post that I ignorantly shared and very promptly removed – My hubby helped me understand that although my quest for honesty is very noble, I can’t force it upon other people or air their dirty laundry] Anyhow, I heard what she had to say but she kept dishing out advice via many texts. It was overwhelming and I couldn’t even process all she had to say. I just agreed with her and tried to keep the interaction to a minimum. She was right, I was wrong, but the circumstances reminded me of my own tendency to think I should control how other people do or do not act instead of just loving them where they are.

How much more motivating it is to hear a person tell me one good thing about myself. In fact, it’s a million times easier for me to to take advice when I know someone truly believes in my worth and wants to lift me up. I am praying specifically this week that God will help me see everyone as the gold that they are, especially within my family. I also hope that my very overwhelming experience from last week will help me remember to keep my compliments at full-tilt and my advice to minimum.

{Family member if you are reading this – which I hope you are not – I love you – I understand you – We are very much alike – I have processed and reprocessed everything you had to say and will try to be better – Please don’t flood my phone with texts again. My heavy heart can’t handle it. Today I am just working on trying to remember that you are gold, and the even harder task is convincing myself that I am gold too.}

Heart Opening

“What does it mean to have an open heart?”, I asked my therapist. She answered, “Stay in the moment, and be open to whatever is happening. Be open to what others have to offer. Be open to any and all emotions you may be experiencing. Don’t close yourself off as a coping mechanism to fear.”

“Well, that should be easy.” not I live in the future. I am always 10 steps ahead. I have to control everything around me because I am desperately afraid of anything that might go wrong and everything that I am convinced will. I am possessed with this idea that if I don’t control the universe, it will control me in a way that I don’t want. It will be painful. The universe is out to get me and the only reason I am still alive is because I have controlled the space around me from the evil forces of the universe. Pretty much I am psychotic. The universe will be the universe, and instead of fighting against it, I am supposed to release myself, tear out my heart, and say, “here you go.” I don’t want to admit that while I have been sheltering my heart so fiercely and nobly I haven’t been really living at all. I’ve been deceiving myself. I don’t control the universe, all I’ve done is hidden myself away from it.

But, there is a lot of good stuff in the universe and I’ve been missing out.

I rode my bike in the rain this morning for a couple of hours. It’s the middle of the summer in Utah and can you believe that the rain actually got cold? I needed a jacket to keep off the chill. After the first hour I was soaked through and so the jacket didn’t help at all. I felt alive out there in that rain. I felt my heart open to the universe.

When I got home, I hustled about doing the things moms do (cleaning up after my kids) and my wet clothes seemed to permanently duct tape themselves to my skin. After a good 20 minutes (my kids are slobs) I felt frozen so with some vigor I stripped down and jumped my naked body into the warm shower. A warm shower has never felt better in my entire life. As the drops of glowing syrup tumbled their way down my skin my whole body came to life…my heart started pumping. I felt like crying because the kindness of the shower was so luxurious. I never wanted to leave the moment. I was most definitely NOT allowing myself to move ahead into the future. This universe was one I didn’t know existed. It was sympathetic and kind. It wasn’t out to get me at all.

I’ve pondered today about life’s situations and how many of the best moments we get are like warm showers and if it weren’t for the rain we would never appreciate them as deeply.

Babies come after 10 grueling months of pregnancy and hard hard labor.

Companionship after years of being single and/or many broken attempts.

The joy of being physically fit after much sweat and tears.

Wisdom after a lot of effort towards knowledge and its failed application.

Self acceptance only after the realization that denial was never going to work.

Yes, if you want to REALLY appreciate the warm shower, it’s easier if you first spend some time in the rain with your heart wide open.