Mental Health

Be happy with help.

I am a huge advocate for mental health. Most people that read my blog may not know this, but I was diagnosed as Bi-Polar Type II about 4 years ago. I am very lucky to have a mild case that is manageable. They call me “high functioning” even though on some days I wonder why.

I just wanted to post a link to J.K. Rowling’s words to people who may be suffering with depression. When speaking of her own desire to take her own life, she encourages others to “go and get help”. I cannot tell you how important this is. So many people just resign themselves to the misery when with a little professional help they can be very happy.

Don’t you think JK Rowling is one happy lady? I am happy most of the time. People! You can be happy! So, get help, if you need it.

She’s got the world at her feet.

This post should be read by mothers raising their first child,
it truly could save you some suffering in the long run!

I have to laugh whenever I see people boasting the talents of their toddlers. I am not laughing AT you my mother friends, just WITH you. (unless you aren’t laughing, and then I guess I am laughing at you) I so used to be the same way. I used to love to compare my little girl with other children. “Oh, yeah, she knows all of her alphabet, she can count to 100, and she has every Book of Mormon prophet memorized” and this was at the age of 2. (and this was the truth)

But, several years ago that child comparison game got very old for me. How did I get past it, you ask? I just birthed a few more kids that weren’t labeled as “prodigy material”. It only took me two seconds to realize that just because one child learns faster, it didn’t make her entitled to better success. My other two children are also very bright in their own ways, and they have every bit of a chance at success than Abigail does. (even if Bella is almost 5 and still doesn’t know how to write every letter)

I used to drill Abigail over and over again, and she loved it. My other two children, don’t love being drilled. And, I am happy to report that I have gladly accepted that they will learn most everything they need to know in school; I do not need to send them into school ready to pass kindergarten. (I did that with Abigail and all it did was lead to her own boredom)

Abigail could read at 3. She could do math by 4. She is extremely smart. In soccer, she can play a mean forward, but because she is even smart on the soccer field, she is put at midfield (she is smart enough to play offense and defense).

Abigail was labeled as “smart”, but what did that do for her? It hasn’t boosted her drive, it has only made it tainted. I recently read an article in the Reader’s Digest that says that a parent should not praise a child’s intellect, but their effort. We found this out the hard way.

Here’s the quote from the article, Inspire Your Kids:

Social psychologist Carol Dweck, PhD, tested the effects of overpraise on 400
fifth graders while she was at Columbia University. She found that kids praised
for “trying hard” did better on tests and were more likely to take on difficult
assignments than those lauded for being “smart.”

So, now that Abigail is 8, and still ingenious, what do we focus on? We focus on her motivation. We focus on the fact that just because she is smart it doesn’t mean that she can sluff.

It is a fine act of balancing. We want her to pave her own way, and not do things because we want it, but because she wants it. When I recently read this article I felt really good about not pushing her too hard. I knew there had to be a reason (besides our own laziness) that we shouldn’t have to stay on her case 24-7.

Little did I know, that Abigail has a great effect on other children. Do you remember Doogie Howser,? Well today, psychologists are calling The Doogie Howser effect good for competition. They say that because of overachieving children, normally developed children try harder. No wonder that Sophia and Bella are more driven, they are trying to keep up with Abigail. Abigail better watch it, or they will just pass her right by.

Consequently, I knew there was a reason that I recently have been learning not to compare myself to others. I just figured out that everyone has the world at their feet and everyone has a different role to play in that world. I don’t need to push myself because Doogie is a child doctor, I need to push myself towards the goals that I set for myself. Who cares what Doogie is doing?

And it is precisely for this new found knowledge: that of the Doogie Howser effect, that I am reminded again that LG is a genius and I am just one of those hamsters in the wheel trying to catch up. LG never pushes himself because someone else seems to be doing better than him. He truly doesn’t even pay attention to what other people are doing. When I used to ask him, “how did everyone else do on the final?” He would say, “I don’t know Alice, I really don’t care.” And he was serious…do you see how that can make a person emotionally healthier?

Why doesn’t he care, you ask, because he has always known that he is a genius. He was told so since he was a child. He was an oldest. And, as the oldest, what do you think that he is always working on? You got it, his motivation! (You see, this is just one big round cycle) Me, on the other hand, I was a middle child. I have always known that my intellect is average and that if I wanted to outdo others, (especially those people called my smart older siblings) it would come by pure effort alone. And, I am proud to say that I took that challenge head on.

Until recently, that is, when I learned that when you jump off the wheel, it means that you get automatic “smarter” status. Guess what, in the past few months, my IQ just jumped a good 20 points or so. Now, that’s what I call having the world at your feet.

Are you a snooper?

They just couldn’t help themselves
Britney Spears’ secrets were right at their fingertips.
Now, just like one of Donald Trump’s apprentices, they are fired!
Don’t you think that this is a little extreme?
Seriously, I could have very well been one of these hospital employees.
I hate to admit it, but if I worked at the LA hospital, I don’t think I could resist.
I can’t stand to be given the story, but not the whole story, do you know what I mean?

I know, I know, I am pathetic.
But, really, cut me a break. We are talking about mental health here.
I don’t care about her babies, her parents, her agents, X-husbands, her money, bodyguards, fashion faux pas, or her lawyers.
I just want to know if the girl is bi-polar?
Maybe I should call some fired hospital staff and see what they found out.

Gender Roles

The gender roles: thank goodness they don’t have to be black and white.
When we were newlyweds, (10.5 years ago!!) LG and I took a sociology for the family class together. Of course, LG humored me by taking the sociology class. Soft sciences aren’t really his thing. (He had no idea at the time, that he married a girl whom would take him on a complex psychological journey) I forgot how fun that was to study together. We also took a health class together. (I had no idea at the time that we should have paid better attention to our health instruction)
Anyhow, I remember learning about gender roles in this sociology class and how their definitions are getting more and more intertwined. I was somewhat happy at the time feeling like it would be o.k. that I married a man who was more nurturing than me.
I also felt extremely validated because I had married a man who appreciated me for the strong willed girl that I am. I sometimes kid when I am trying to explain my differences from other women that I am a “manly girl”. (not in a gay way) I just enjoy doing things on my own and not being that damsel in distress.
Last night as LG and I were discussing our friends’ baby, LG said how impressed he was with our friend Dave’s ability to be nurturing. I said to him, “I love it, you are the exact same way.” and then I added, “I am not so nurturing, huh?” LG said, “You are with the babies.” (I will take that in a complimentary sort of way and add the realization that I can do a better job with my big grown babies – including LG)
Even though LG and I are still constantly trying to work out our gender roles, I am still a firm believer that the women were meant to be the nurturers and the men the protectors. (What else explains the fact that he can’t handle throw up and I couldn’t “kill off” that injured bird outside) I love it when I find scientific things that support the teachings of the church.

Winners!

I am sorry to all of you who tried to get the free MaryKay stuff, but Michelle announced the winner, and you won’t believe it, but it is me. I can’t wait to get some free stuff in the mail.

Just when I was feeling like a loser, my luck did a 180. Thanks Michelle! One luck of the draw and now I am an instant winner, not a loser.

LG was a winner last week. He won the three point contest at the school’s basketball game. He says “he got lucky”….I guess our luck really is turning around. Last year was a rough one for us. 2008 is going to be our year, I can feel it. Maybe next we can win some money! That would be really nice about now. 10 years of college life + 3 children can really put a drain on the bank account, if you know what I mean.

Here is the video of the kids after the game. Abigail is holding LG’s prize, a basketball autographed by Pat Summit. WOW!

The family that eats grains together, abstains together.

I’m so glad that LG is almost always home for dinner. Hopefully it will make all the difference, because as you all know, we are on the brink of living the Suburbian dream! HA! And, surely, we will still be affable when we move from the inner-city.

And while I am posting about eating dinner, here is another link about how not to control your child’s diet. And because Sophia and Abigail are in a normal weight range, I guess I am not as controlling as people would think.

To blog or not to blog…that is the question.

Kitty Bear likes to watch me blog.

Sometimes other moms will say to me, almost in a derogatory fashion, “I don’t know how you find the time to blog so much.” Sometimes I get a little sensitive and wonder why they don’t just say, “Why don’t you do more laundry or spend all your time with your kids?”

I usually just reply with , “I love to blog and so I make time for it.” I mean really, why can’t moms do things that they love, and why can’t they support other moms in doing things that they love, even if it means neglecting their never ending chores sometimes? I think I have just decided that my new reply will be, “I don’t know how you find the time to clean and micromanage your kids all day without going crazy.”

Sometimes, when I want to blog, I justify it by knowing that it is at least more productive that crawling back into bed. That is what I want to do this morning. Believe it or not, blogging actually will get one more load of laundry done today. When I am done here, I will actually be awake enough to take a detour through the laundry room, even if I do park my tired body back on the couch. I swear I will never get over this sickness…it is as if I could sleep for a week straight.

Besides, if I didn’t ignore my children once in a while, they would never have time to do something like this! Look at what they accomplished with just a little neglect. You know I wasn’t really paying attention when they pulled this one out. If I wasn’t blogging, this would have been put to an end at once. And, if I wasn’t a blogger, I wouldn’t have grabbed my camera to record it either.

You see, blogging is a really good thing for me and my posterity.

So, what I am really trying to say: I think it is healthy for our kids to have some down time without as much micromanagement….when I support my creative bug, I also support theirs…and this is a good thing, even if the result is a little devilish!

As you can tell, I don’t have much to blog about today, so here is my quote of the day:

“I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult.” ~ E.B White

Sophia Speaks

Sophia can by shy, although she is overcoming it a little at a time. Playing soccer has been great for Sophia, as well as her friend Allie, who I recently posted about.

The other morning, I took all the girls to their dentist, Dr Bo. (I will have to blog about Dr. Bo another day – LG always teases me that I have a crush on him – not true – but, he is just so cute with the kids – not to mention nice to me when they have cavities – Are there any other moms out there who just can’t forgive themselves when their kids have a less than perfect check up?)

Anyhow, on with the story. On the way from the dentist to the school, Sophia noticed that LG and I had not packed her a lunch. She started crying and begging me to take her home first, so that we could get her a lunch. I said, “Sophia, I don’t have time to go home, and they are having nachos at the school today and you like those. Just eat the nachos.”

This sentence again was replied with the saga, of which we’ve heard at least 10 times since the school year started. “But, mom, they always put chili on the nachos and I don’t like chili.” I replied the same way we always do, “Just tell the lunch ladies that you don’t want chili.” The thought of actually speaking to the lunch ladies was too much. Sophia started crying again. (This child must take after her father, I just don’t get her fear of people. It’s no wonder her father never formally proposed…that is just too much pressure!)

So, when we got to school, I decided that I was going to put an end to the nonsense. Sophia’s grade would be eating lunch in just 30 minutes. I told her that we were going to take a detour through the cafeteria to talk to the workers. She froze and planted her feet as to permanently attach her shoes to the piece of tile that is in the middle of the hall adjacent to the school’s office! I said, “Sophia, this is ridiculous. It is their job to feed you. You don’t have any problem asking me to tell every McDonald’s worker that you want katsup only. C’mon, I am going to show you how easy this is.”

I dragged her into the cafeteria where all the workers were sitting at their big table enjoying their last bit of a break before the kids came stampeding. There was no need to get their attention. All 8 workers were staring at me as I held Sophia in place. Sophia would not look anywhere but her feet and was squirming to get away. I said, “I am sorry to bother you, but this is my daughter Sophia. We just got done at the dentist and I forgot to pack her a lunch. Sophia loves nachos, but it a little nervous about asking you to leave the chili off. Is this something that someone could help her with today?”

Sophia was mortified. The head cafeteria worker didn’t quite get the seriousness of this situation. She stood and as she walked over in our direction, she replied, “We have to give her the chili, it is federal regulation.” (C’mon lady, work with me here.) I must have given her the perfect look of desperation. After staring Sophia and I down, she said, “But, we can put it on the side.” I said to Sophia, “Do you think you can ask this nice lady to put it on the side?”

Only silence followed. The lunch lady wised up and said to me, “Whose class is she in?” I told her. She said, “Don’t worry, we will help her today.”

I walked away, dragged by Sophia’s eagerness to escape. She was trying to keep her crying under control. I sat down with her as she tried to creep away. All I could do was hug her and tell her that I was trying to help her, not embarrass her. She kept repeating, “Just let me go to class, mom.”She finally broke my hold, and as she ran off to class, I hollered, “I love you Sophia, have a great day, and enjoy your nachos.”

I cried on the way home and called LG. I was plagued with the question as to whether or not this fiasco was even worth it. LG assured me that I did the right thing and told me that because I make Sophia face things that are so overwhelming, she will be better in the long run. For once, I didn’t totally believe him.

I was left wondering all day as the whether or not it was worth the trouble. After school, Sophia got in the car triumphantly. (I immediately thought to myself that I was the best mom in the world) I asked Sophia, “How did lunch go?”

Sophia replied, “It was great mom, they had a bunch of trays with the chili on the side already. I didn’t have to ask.” Well, I have to admit that this was wise of the lunch ladies (easier than staying on the lookout for the wreck of a kindergartner named Sophia), but I felt a little sabotaged. Where did the cafeteria workers leave my lesson? Didn’t they understand the depth of the execution?

A few days later, I took the kids to Wendy’s. (We love Wendy’s, here is another funny story about it.) As Sophia shouted from the back seat of the van that she wanted a hamburger with katsup only, I turned back and announced, “I am sorry Sophia, I am a little too shy, I don’t think that I can ask the Wendy’s worker for katsup only.” Sophia thought that was the funniest thing she had ever heard and responded with, “Mom , you always ask them for katsup only”, and almost as an afterthought she declared assuredly, “And, you are not shy.” After I ordered as directed, I reminded Sophia that talking to the lunch ladies should be as easy as it was for me to place that order. (Not that the additional pep talk would do any good, but a mother has to try)

Sometimes parenting is so futile. I guarantee that the next time we are going through the morning routine of, “For lunch you have a choice between teriyaki beef bites, peach and cottage cheese, or nachos…do you want to buy?” Sophia will automatically respond with, “I want to take, please.”

On a side note, because this post is about Sophia speaking: Sophia gave a talk in church today. She was so cute as she repeatedly said “The Dr. of Covenants”.

Mac N Cheese Topic #1 – Staying Positive?

We started our More than Mac N Cheese mom’s brunch at the church a few weeks ago. I will give Cally 95% of the credit for the cute name of our “club” and 100% credit for the cute flyer above. My 5% comes from the fact that I was the one that got the ball rolling with, “C’mon Cally, think of something, I am thinking along the lines of More than….more than something like PB&J.”

Most people haven’t seemed to enjoy the name as much as Cally and I, but when it takes off nationwide, we’ll show them! 🙂

Anyhow, the brunch club is a way for the stay home moms to get together and talk about something besides which cartoons are the best and where to buy the best bargained clothes….o.k. it really is the whole point of the gathering to talk about stuff like that, but, hey, the perk is in the food….what’s better than mac n cheese? Just about anything when you are a mother of a toddler!

At the first brunch, we determined the monthly topics for the rest of the year. So feel free to give me feedback! If you can give me one good thing to say, I will seem smart and I won’t even have to waste precious blogging time researching the topic. Good plan, huh?

March’s theme: How to stay positive.

Well, obviously, this would not be my strength. My blog used to be subtitled “I’m a Cynical Housewife” FYI cynicism is the polar opposite of staying positive. My mom got upset with the word cynical in my blog title and I really have been trying to work on my crummy outlook on life, and so I changed my blog’s subheading a while back. Now, if you hadn’t noticed, I am just “not your ordinary” housewife instead of cynical. WOW, that little change on my blog has already made me so much more positive. (And if you haven’t heard, the new wave in blogging is to italics things when you are being sarcastic.)

So, now, the true reason for the post, the quote by Ronnie Shakes summarizes my current contribution for next month’s topic:

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking and then I
thought: What the hell good would that do?

Do you think the ladies will be offended by the H-E- double hockey sticks? I can’t leave it out, that word just makes the quote so much better.

My 2 cents to add to the quote. Like Shakes, I don’t think we learn about being positive from reading a book. The thing that is the most helpful in keeping me positive: humor.

And they say that humor is rooted in tragedy. Wow, my life is looking more upbeat already.

The Edited Flu

Lori chronicled the flu of what seemed to be her whole blogroll. (that’s how bad this flu has been, or maybe there is some way we have all been passing it from between keyboards?)

Cally (if you link, scroll down to #2, couldn’t get the piknik post to work) inspired me to give you this edited picnik version of the flu at our house.

What does a woman do when she is supposed to rest, her husband is studying for the bar, and they cancel two days of school?

No prob…”Children, you have free reign of the TV, toys, and the snack cabinet. Yes, those 4 boxes of fruit roll ups are not only yummy, they will keep you alive and semi-healthy.” (If you add in the gogurts and dry cereal, they almost get every food group.)

Yes, they wore those pj’s for two days straight. Sophia has been really into keeping up with her new “days of the week” panties that she got for Christmas. Last night I told her that she needed to change out of her pj’s before she went to bed. This is what I hear Abigail exclaim from the bedroom, “Sophia, you are still wearing Wednesday.” This statement was echoed by Sophia in between her fits of laughter.

My mother-in-law will be so stunned…she thinks that I am the clean underwear nazi. I don’t know where she gets the notion, except for the fact that I always pack the girls double underwear when they go to her house. I once said to Faye, “I am not an underwear nazi, I only make them change their undewear daily. How often did your kids change their underwear?” She never did answer me.

We are now in the beginning stages of clean up. I have found at least 50 piles of wrappers that look just like this. Maybe we should clean up after the bar, what do you think?