Inspiring

Book Review: Behind Every Good Man

Behind Every Good ManBehind Every Good Man by John Bytheway

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Short and sweet book. Really, it will take you all of 20 minutes to read the whole thing.

What did I learn?
Besides the fact that I am not as good of a wife as I thought I was?

#1 And most important (which is really hard for wives to hear) You can’t change your husband.

#2 Love your husband. Just the way he is, and you might inspire him to be better.

#3 Be grateful that your husband puts up with you.

#4 Your husband is really a lot better than you give him credit for.

#5 Don’t criticize EVER. Unless he asks for it, and even then you have to deliver it in a way that seems complimentary.

#6 Men talk for information, women talk for interaction. Define your roles, needs, and communication styles and then remember them when interacting.

#7 Affirm affirm affirm and let him know you love following his lead. And make a big deal about everything that he does that you like and/or appreciate. Thank him specifically.

#8 Talk about your admiration for each other, especially in front of other people.

#9 Speak each others’ love languages.

#10 Treat a man as he is and he will remain as he is, treat him as he is the man you want him to become and he will become that man.

View all my reviews

Heroes

Who is your hero?
It’s a simple question that when answered tells a lot about a person.
I have lots of heroes.
Jesus Christ.
Parents of special needs’ kids.
Teachers who love what they do.
Servicemen and women and their families.
Anyone who stands for what is right, even if they do it alone.
A friend of ours, Derek Hinckley, has a song called My Hero.
It talks about heroic Christlike qualities and the love for a parent.
Every mom and dad should be a hero.
If any of you know happen to know Kenny Chesney personally,
or his agent, or someone who knows his agent,
maybe you could turn him on to this page on facebook:
It’s an amazing song.
Its video was chosen my Sean Hannity to be a finalist.
For now, here’s a Kenny Chesney video that I just enjoyed immensely.
I want to drag LG out to a High School football game
and see if I can get “that feeling” back.
I couldn’t help but think of my brother Erick
while watching.
He loves the game of football.
And gets to hold on to THAT FEELING
while coaching in Rexburg, ID.
Here’s a link to Kenny’s song
The video makes the song even better.

My kind of Craft Project and Chore Chart

I am NOT crafty.
That is not a confession,
like the kind you have to hide in a closet,
but a declaration of this is part of who I am.
More power to those of you who are crafty and take joy in it.
I would rather buy your stuff than attempt it myself.
Because I am a shopper.
Shopping is a talent I like to spend my time working at.
I’ts also something that I have learned how to curb.

You see, God made everyone different.
It’s o.k. that I am not crafty.
It’s o.k. that I don’t want to spend my time
trying to be like most of the other moms I know.
It’s o.k. that I would rather spend my time
reading and writing and bargain shopping.
It’s o.k. that I don’t care if my girls hair is perfection.
And that I don’t even like those horrible
crazy HUGE bows on the modern babies’ heads.
It’s o.k. that my house is simple.
That I don’t need a showroom
for my friends.
It’s o.k. It’s o.k. It’s o.k.

I recently came across a friend’s cool craft project.
It involves a T-shirt and a can of spray paint.
It’s my kind of project.
I am going to try it.
But, I will probably never post a picture of it.
Because that’s just not who I am.
I would rather blog about my
thoughts, opinions, ideas, and funny stories.

Go over and check out how to do it at Jennifer’s blog.
She’s most definitely a crafty.
In fact her mom tried to teach me how to sew once.
It was a disaster.
The only way my ugly skirt got done
was because my sister took pity on my
and finished it after she got done with hers.
We were 14 and 16,
and she was and still is a million times craftier.

And to add to that
Here is an example of the simplicity I prefer.
It’s our chore chart.

I will show you how to make your own
if you are craft challenged.
Like me.

This system made it through the whole summer,
and is still in full swing
into the first week of school.
I’m very proud.
Not of its gorgeous display,
or the effective system,
but I am proud of the fact
that I pulled out
the electrical tape,
crayons,
scissors,
paper,
contact paper,
and magnets,
and my kids made it for me.

The kids were crossing their weekly jobs out
with a dry erase marker
as they get them done.
Now, we just know when they’ve got them done.
The sooner the better.

Each of the girls were assigned a row.
Oldest to youngest.
And there is even a spot for Caroline.
Because we are putting her to work
as soon as possible.
Trust me,
the older girls
can’t wait to pawn stuff off on her.

And they each have three columns.
One for everyday jobs.
And a column of weekly jobs.
Because Excel spreadsheets,
I can reinvent.
We rotate the dailies on a weekly basis.
And they get to choose their own weeklies.
First come, first serve.
They love the grab.
And the competition.
We’ve initiated the concept
in family scripture study too.
Scripture chase:
Old Testament.
Go.
Proverbs 3:5-6
They are memorizing the
scripture songs
so they can get faster.
Watch out seminary kids.
The Gold Girls are in the house.

The last column is completely unrelated.
They are not rewarded any longer for chores.
They are expected to comply.
They don’t get allowance.
But, they do get warm fuzzies
for good behavior.
Kind of like
dad gets warm fuzzies from mama
for bringing home the bacon.

The black circles are worth 1 warm fuzzy.
The yellow are worth 2 and a treat at the store.
The red are worth 3 and a rented Redbox.
The blues are the biggest hit.
They are worth 10 and a date with mom, dad, or a friend.
The green are worth 20 or $5.
They haven’t learned to save up yet.
They like instant gratification.
In the form of candy and movies.
Lucky for dad.

The term warm fuzzy was coined
by my first grade teacher.
And you will hear me use it as a threat often.
“Go take two warm fuzzies for hitting your sister.”
But hopefully, more often than threatening,
you will hear me rewarding:
“Everyone gets three warm fuzzies
for being so helpful today.”

It’s on the fridge,
like every other important thing in my life.

And did I mention?
That it’s been working
at my house
for three months!!!

Kids doing chores = one very happy uncrafty mom.

One last sidenote:
At church the other day,
a teacher was explaining to me that
in his training he has learned
that you don’t want to divide and conquer your kids.
For example,
“Look at Bella, she is such a good cleaner.”

I am trying to figure out a way that I can
make this system
more of a Harry Potter style.
Where
everyone
gains
and
loses
together.
I am thinking that may
unify the girls
a little bit more.
Go Griffendor Gold Girls.

Who’s the real hero?

Here is a story that was an e-mail forward. It reminded me of many of my heroic friends who are raising kids with special needs. Oh, how their children are a blessing to me and to all of mankind.


My question is this: Who is the real hero? Is it the parents, the special kids, or all who take time to love the special kids?

The answer: All of the above. That is why God sends them to us, so he can look down and smile when we all experience what it feels like to be like Him. This story illustrates the way I have always felt about these special kids. They have a soft spot in my heart because they are what remind the rest of us about the good in mankind.


Here is what snopes has to say about the story. If you read down to the bottom commentary on this page, you will see what mankind would be like if none of us took a moment or two to honor our special needs heroes. Purely shameful if you ask me.
At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves children with learning disabilities, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its

dedicated staff, he offered a question:

‘When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does, is done with perfection.

Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do.

Where is the natural order of things in my son?’

The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. ‘I believe that when a child like Shay, who was mentally and physically disabled comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.’

Then he told the following story:

Shay and I had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, ‘Do you think they’ll let me play?’ I knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but as a father I also understood that if my son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

I approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, ‘We’re losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we’ll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.’

Shay struggled over to the team’s bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. I watched with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart. The boys saw my joy at my son being accepted.

In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay’s team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.

In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as I waved to him from the stands.

In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay’s team scored again..

Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?

Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn’t even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.


However, as Shay stepped up to the

plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay’s life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact.

The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed.

The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay.

As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over.

The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman.

Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.

Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman’s head, out of reach of all team mates.

Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, ‘Shay, run to first!

Run to first!’

Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base.

He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.

Everyone yelled, ‘Run to second, run to second!’

Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base.

B y the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball . the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team.

He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher’s intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman’s head.

Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.

All were screaming, ‘Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay’

Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, ‘Run to third!

Shay, run to third!’

As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, ‘Shay, run home! Run home!’

Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team

‘That day’, said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, ‘the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world’.

Shay didn’t make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making me so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

Forgiveness is a gift

This video is AMAZING!
Quite possibly,
at this moment,
my favorite on the web.

I’ve had some things in my life that were really hard to forgive.
I have found that the only way I was able to forgive
was because somebody perfect gifted me with the ability to do so.
Christ was that perfect example of taking Himself
and His own pain out of the situation.
He showed me the way,
when I thought it was impossible.
His charity allowed Him to care for others perfectly.
His love for others made it possible for Him to not be hurt by their issues.
“Forgive them Father for they know not what they do.”
We all have the beckoning call to be like Christ.
The only way to be like Him, is to go to Him,
and let Him wash us over with His grace.
As humans, it is very hard to love others in the same capacity
that we love God and we love ourselves,
but that is the requirement.
Only when we do learn this power,
can we overcome our trials and our sorrows.
Why is it a requirement?
Because God knows that is the only way to our happiness.
I am so grateful for my Savior Jesus Christ.
I know that He is the only way I have been able to forgive.
He is the only way that I can learn to love perfectly.
I know He is the Savior of the world.
But, today, I am mostly grateful
that He is my Savior, my Shepherd, my Mentor, my Perfect Example,
my Advocate with the Father, my Brother, and my Friend.

Who is Mormon?

I was mesmorized listening to the stories of other Mormons this morning. My church has done an amazing job with their site Mormon.org. I really love this page that features small videos of different Mormons and how they define themselves.

Here is a video to a mom named Rochelle that really touched me. I loved how she ended her 30 seconds. “I’m Rochelle. I’m a redhead. I’m a Texan. I’m a mother, and I’m a Mormon.”

Being a mom is so wonderful, but I have always had a soft spot in my heart for the mom’s of special needs kids. I am almost jealous of them. No, I AM jealous of them. God has given them a great gift. A special reminder that stays with them constantly that God is love.

Check out this video of Jane Clayson. You remember her from her job as a Network Journalist. You know, the one she gave up to be home with her kids.

Go and check out the videos. They are amazing. I love hearing people’s life stories. I will be watching videos the rest of the day. So far I have been introduced to a guy who works at the Library of Congress, a successful brilliant singer in England (who happens to be black and was left by his mother who went back to Nigeria when he was 11), a professional surfer, a Harley Davidson sculptor, and a several other professional artists.

I love Mormons. They are all so amazing. But, you know what? All people are amazing. Everyone has a story. I wish I could learn the story of each and every person I come in contact with.

If any of you ever want to meet some Mormons. Come to church with me anytime.

Our True Identity

I was hoping for something, anything inspiring at church today.
In Sacrament meeting, we got a talk about Staying Out of Debt.
Although it was good.
That topic is never really touchy feely for me.
Especially since we have so many law school loans.
My answer for greater peace
came today in the form of a video.
It seems like such simple message,
but I pondered on the application of it in my life.
If all of us
would just see ourselves
as God sees us,
we would not only be so much happier,
but we would have limitless potential.
We are all truly NOT ugly ducklings.

Summer Reading

Last week I punished Abigail
for teasing her sister.
She had to go to her room and read
four chapters of Harry Potter.
After looking at the picture above,
and how the girl loves to read,
now you all know how
my disciplining isn’t always the most effective.
What can I say?
I’m a softie.
I love reading.
I recently spoke to a friend
about how when I die,
I want to leave a living legacy.
One part of that legacy
would most definitely be
that I inspired people to read.
I know that reading
is a powerful tool.
A tool for
education,
and
inspiration.
Reading changes people
who will in turn make a better world.
If I could leave a living legacy of a love for things literary,
my influence would never end.
An eternal influence
is what I want for myself.
Nothing less would be enough.
I don’t want the buck to stop with me in the pine box.
I was really happy when onlinecollege.org
just linked my book review
It was an awesome post,
compiling book reviews for
books related to places of summer travel.
Of course, Cold Mountain
is a great feature for our own
beautiful Appalachian mountains.
My linked review is number 74 on the list.

Codependence

Most people I know have no idea what codependence means. In fact, blogger does not even recognize the term. Here is the short definition from the wikipedia link:

Codependency or codependence is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one’s relationships and quality of life. It also often involves putting one’s needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.

This post may not be really entertaining, as it is meant to be informative. I wish I would have heard of codependency a long time ago, as my recent study of codependency has made me an extremely healthier person. If you have known me for any length of time, you know codependent behavior. I fit the “controlling” part of codependency to a tee.
Control patterns:

  • I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
  • I attempt to convince others of what they “should” think and how they “truly” feel.
  • I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
  • I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
  • I have to be “needed” in order to have a relationship with others.

Here is a little blossom analogy to help myself past trying to control. A few years back the girls and I were at my friend Valerie’s house. Her tree was full of gorgeous blooms. I lined my girls up for a great photo op. For over ten minutes, I kept telling them EXACTLY how to sit, look, and act. I got some good photos. It was so important to me to have that picture perfect photo. At the time, I wasn’t in touch with WHY this was so important to me. Through therapy I have finally discovered my need to be loved…part of that is my need to look perfect. I perpetuate that onto my family.

Aren’t they just about perfect? God has been good to me.


Well, after we were through with the torture session, the kids were free to be themselves again.

I kept shooting. They got into a blossom fight. It was so enjoyable to watch them have fun. It dawned on me that I had controlled them out of having fun for ten minutes. I was now getting BETTER photos with REAL expressions. And they were HAPPY. At that very moment, I realized that I was my own worst enemy. I had issues.

It was an ah-ha moment. I didn’t get to put a name to it until a year or so later. Codependency. Codependency has given me so much grief throughout my whole life. It has kept me from being happy so many times. It has also kept many of my loved ones from the happiness they deserve.
Codependents are people who need to be loved. Pure and simple. Many codependents are closely involved with addicts. I am not talking about the addicts in my life in this post. Maybe another time, but I am addressing my co-dependency. Why? Because people need to understand. Why not?
It is hard to know which comes first, a codependent or an addict. It is almost like that old riddle about the chicken or the egg. It is however easy to understand why codependents and addicts are attracted to each other like teenagers on Friday night. Addicts are a mess. Codependents are a mess. They feed off of each other. Codependents pick up all the pieces all the time. Addicts dish out all the problems. Codependents thrive on being needed because that makes them feel loved. Addicts need a codependent to help them to remain an addict. There is no one better to love or need a codependent more than a person with a bunch of problems.
Sometimes codependents create addicts. People get sick of being controlled and they rebel in form of addictions: alcoholism, abusiveness, sex addiction, gambling…they turn into addictions as a way of escaping the damage that their codependent loved one has etched into their sensitive soul.
I am working very hard at not being a codependent. I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to be the one who needs to be needed. I don’t want to be the one who has to control. I also don’t want to enable others. Most assuredly, I don’t want to negatively impact the people around me, especially the people who I love the most.
I mostly don’t want to be the crazy witch that goes nuts when everyone and everything she has been trying to hold together falls apart. I don’t want to take responsibility for others’ actions. I want to take responsibility for my own.
I don’t want to need to be loved. I want to love myself. I want my love and God’s love to be enough because anything I get on top of that is like an amazing overtime paycheck. I don’t want to suck all the energy from everyone in my life because no matter how much they love me, it’s never enough.
I will not be codependent any more because I want to be whole. I don’t want to be broken.
And more than anything, I want my children to be able to live lives full of carefree fun. I don’t want them to have to worry about their old mom who needs them so badly. I want them to be able to make mistakes and know that it won’t destroy their mother. I want them to know that their mom is happy, confident, and healthy, and that they can rely on her.
I encourage you to go to the link at the top of this page. Read about codependency. Educate yourselves so that you can recognize bad patterns and stop them before you do irreparable damage to yourself, your spouse, or your children. I think everyone has codependency to one degree or another, so it wouldn’t hurt to learn about it. And, even if you aren’t a codependent, I am sure that you know one, or two, or twenty, and it will help you to understand and love them better to be more aware of their challenges.
And you gotta admit it, you know you love me even more after reading this post. Even if I don’t need you to love me any more.

Change

Guess what?
We all screw up.
It’s a fact of life.
The good news is that we can always improve.
We can change.

We fall down.
I’ve learned the hard way
that we shouldn’t focus on the fall.
But, getting back up.
I recently read this quote by
“No one who cannot rejoice in the discovery
of his own mistakes deserves to be called a scholar.”
At church a while back,
my friend Brenda taught me something profound.
I was lamenting about how
I always have so much self improvement to make.
It gets overwhelming.
She said,
“That shouldn’t make you sad or discouraged.
You should be encouraged.
Because the fact that you know
what to improve upon
means that you are
in tune with the voice of God.
He is talking to you.
And you are hearing it.”
How wise.
My favorite quote last week:
“The best way to make
permanent change for good
is to make Jesus Christ
your model
and His teachings
your guide for your life.” ~ Scott
I wrote it on a piece of construction paper.
And tacked it above my computer.
Funny, LG walked by as I tacked.
He questioned,
“Is that for me?”
“No, it’s for me, silly.”
We all need to change.
Embrace it.