InLoveBlog
Lessons from the Trail: The Mother Bird
I try to spend as much time as possible on a trail directly east of my house.
It is a beautiful place where I love to bike and run.
You’ve probably seen some of the Instagram photos from the trail that I’ve taken on my sidebar.
Since it’s completion a few months ago, Murdock Trail has quickly become one of my Holy Places.
In the past two weeks, while on the trail, I’ve had three very significant experiences that I want to write about. I expect I will have many more, so today I will start this “lessons from the trail” mini-series on my blog as a place to record these simple moments in time that have such a profound impact. In fact, for me, the impact is so significant that I usually bawl my eyes out and thank God for the message. Well, at least that is what has happened the last three times and I expect my reaction won’t change over time. When the whisperings hit straight to my heart, I usually suspect that God has something to do with it.
So, as you all know, lately I have been heavily focusing on my role at home and learning to find happiness and joy in my motherhood. Well, the other day, my lesson was magnificently focused on this journey. It was a small moment. It probably only lasted 25 seconds.
On a chain-link fence off to the side of a trail, I noticed a bunch of little finch-like birds. I couldn’t tell if they were just a really teeny species or if they were babies. The looked a lot like the ones above that I snatched off the internet. (I really would like to learn more about birds) As I was riding my bike towards home and watching the birds (there were about 5 or 6) playfully perching and hovering around the fence, out of nowhere, came a bigger bird. It was instantly apparent that the big bird must be their mother. She looked exactly like them and seemed to be at the very least communicating in some way with the young-in’s or at the most she was somehow corralling them. I couldn’t quite tell.
I kept observing and my eyes were drawn towards the mother. She looked haggard. Maybe she was molting, I wondered. Or maybe she was just a new mom and her wings were haphazard from all the time she spent in the nest with her babies? I kept thinking about the reasons the mother’s beauty was significantly less than her babies’ beauty.
Out of nowhere my answer came: She gave her beauty to her babies. She didn’t care what she looked like. Her eye was on her prize: her babies on the fence. She was happily observing them, watching out for danger, keeping them close. In the very least she was talking to them, in the most she was corralling them. Someday she would die, yet she would live on through those babies. Without the pressures and complications I as a human mother face, she seemed to possess the joy for which I’ve been looking.
With my new insight I gained from pondering, that mother bird was instantly transformed into one of the most beautiful creatures I have ever seen. As tears welled up in my eyes I realized that God was up in heaven somewhere looking down on me having as significant an experience with me as I was with the bird. He smiled (as I did with the bird) in pride at this haggard momma who just wants to learn to be happy with all that is required of her. I heard his voice directly to my heart, “Alice, know this to be true…you are a beautiful mother and there is nothing, I mean NOTHING, better than that.”
Birdwatching with Bella
One way I struggle as a mother is connecting with my children. Bella is particularly challenging for me as she is my little clone. She tends to be very long-winded and extremely needy in that auditory department. Like me, she is an over-sharer.
It is especially challenging for an over-sharer mom who also happens to be a crappy listener to connect with her child who over-shares and doesn’t listen. You can see how that doesn’t work. “Mom, listen to me.” “No Bella, you listen to me!” We go round and round in circles, neither listening and neither caring about what they other has to say.
I would dare say this problem with Bella is my most challenging as a mom, but then 50 more problems that are currently going unnoticed will abruptly come to my attention. So, let’s just say this is one of my hardest challenges.
But,people, I am here to happily report that I made a breakthrough this past week. It was so huge that I called my husband at work and explained it through my tears of joy and gratitude. Maybe my “inloveathome” experiment will actually work after all, a little teeny change at a time?
So, what happened? Let me explain by oversharing. Bear with me.
One of our family traditions is taking a walk around the neighborhood after Sunday dinners. The past two weeks, we happened by our neighbor Sue’s house right as she was settling in to watch the hummingbirds feed for the night. The whole family stopped to chat but both times as the rest of the family went on home, Bella and I settled in to join Sue on her porch. I was delighted to see that Bella loved Sue’s bird sanctuary as much as me. Bella didn’t know it, but I have spent many moments alone in the past with Sue on her porch watching the birds. Bella seemed to fit right in with Sue and I, watching intently, enjoying the quiet, and discussing hummingbirds. We discovered that we all had many questions that needed to be answered about the hummingbirds. Sue suggested we look up the hummingbird mating flight patterns online. Unbeknownst to Sue, with one small sentence, she was an answer to my many many prayers.
The next day, as I arrived home after a long day of errands, Bella approached me while I was folding laundry. She had two papers covered with her own handwriting front and back. She informed me that she had been doing some research about hummingbirds all morning. As Bella proceeded to share what she had written I found that I was completely enthralled. I didn’t want to miss a word of what she had to share. It was as great of interest to me as it was to her and I was able to easily listen as she shared. She was providing a service to me by answering the questions I had voiced the day before. In the moment I felt a great love and appreciation for my Bella in a way I had never experienced before. I loved her for a part of her that has always made me batty. She was over-sharing in a way that I respected. Like me and her dad, Bella showed a great propensity for research. Like me and her dad, Bella showed her love for teaching. I was dumbfounded: what a little miracle she is! And to think that I had never taken the time to notice before? I was ashamed. As soon as Bella left the laundry room, I said a prayer thanking God for making this moment happen. It changed me. It made me into a better mother.
Here is a video of Sue and I enjoying a bluejay on her porch over a year ago. I treasure this small video file for reasons only known to Sue and I. I don’t want to air Sue’s laundry to the internet, but she has experienced two extreme challenges in just a year’s time. At one point I remember writing her a letter while at church: through heavy heavy tears I told her I looked forward to many more excursions on her porch, even though I was 90% sure it was never going to happen. God is good. Miracles abound. I am so grateful for Sue and the time I have spent with her in her piece of heaven called her front-porch. Without Sue I don’t know if I would have ever had this major breakthrough with one of my hardest parenting challenges.
Chocolate Milk Bottle Sippy Cup
Caroline turned 4 -years-old last week.
I am so glad we have her. She keeps us on our toes.
There is never a dull moment with her.
She makes all of us laugh all the time.
When she was really little she liked to ask for her bottle of milk. “Can I have my milk bottle mom?”
Then my mom introduced her to Quik (the chocolate powder) and she changed her question to, “Can I have a chocolate milk bottle?”
Shortly after she got that question down, we transitioned into sippy cups and every day, all day, it seemed, I would hear her sweet little voice, “Mom, can I have a chocolate milk bottle sippy cup?” We’ve been in that stage for several years. We probably should have given it up over a year ago.
The older she became the more demanding the request became, “Mom, get me a chocolate milk bottle sippy cup. NOW!” Oh the terrible twos and threes. She wants milk all the time. As a family, we consume four gallons a week, three of which can more than likely be attributed to the smallest of us.
Last week, on her fourth birthday Caroline’s sisters used the occasion to encourage more independence from the breathing dementor (uh I mean demander). “Caroline, you are four, now you can get yourself dressed. You can wipe yourself on the potty because you are four. You’re a big girl, you can put on your own seatbelt.” The biggest change that they wanted to see happen is the sippy cup. They want her to graduate from it so they no longer have to hassle with the ordeal of pouring the milk, adding the Quik, warming it in the microwave to the perfect temperature, finding the lid and the plastic sippy part, putting on the lid, and shaking it up to hand it over. I find it fascinating that the girls are as encumbered with this task when they do it so rarely in comparison to LG and I, but I completely appreciate their help in the matter and love to watch them mentor Caroline. I readily admit that we should have at the very least quit warming up her milk two years ago, but what can I say? I’m almost 40? I’m tired? Wouldn’t that sound too extremely lackadaisical? Why yes it would. And it would be true.
I digress.
So, when LG got home from work one day last week, the girls were explaining to him their encouragement of Caroline’s independence. Caroline proudly proclaimed, “Daddy, I don’t have to drink out of a sippy cup any more because I am four. I’m a big girl. Now I drink a chocolate milk bottle sippy cup in a cup.”
LG first supported by saying, “Way to go Caroline. You are a big girl”, and then he observed, “And that name of what you drink just keeps getting longer and longer, doesn’t it?”
Abigail responded in typical Gold humor, “Yeah, when she turns 5 we are going to make her drink a chocolate milk bottle sippy cup in a cup with a straw.”
As we all laughed hysterically, for one second, I felt the true joy of motherhood. My kids are wonderful.
And then Caroline spilled the milk all over her dinner plate (not literally) and we went back to sippy cups. (honestly, we did.) The End.
P.S. Thanks to the great pearlsforgirls for linking back to my Father of the Year post.
Father of the Year
Photo courtesy of Wave At The Bus.
I just read a wonderful article about a bunch of great dads. It is a must-read. It’ll get your tears flowing in gratitude for so many wonderful men around the world.
The article highlights one of my favorite dads on the planet: Dale Price of WaveAtTheBus fame. He resides close in Utah and has a lovely wife whom I adore.
The article also brings to light some other pretty awesome dads who do things like…
- photoshop ewoks into family vacation photos.
- hack Donkey Kong so his daughter can play as Pauline to save Mario.
- build a spaceship simulator.
and
- draws amazing art on his kids’ lunchbags.
As I read through this article this morning I was stunned by my realization:
These best dads didn’t do anything totally out-of-this-world. They did things that any other dad with the same talent could do. They did simple things that accentuated the positive that they already possessed. The difference between them and other successful men in this world was that they used their talent/interest towards their children not away from them. They used their creativity to show their children that they loved them; they included their children and honored their children.
I am the lucky daughter of a dad like that. When I was a kid, there was a newspaper article written about him entitled, “A Man Who Always Has Time For the Children.” My dad did always make time for me and my 6 siblings, and our friends, and a lot of other kids who needed a father figure. He didn’t draw us things or build spaceships or dress up silly but he built awesome tree houses, and left donuts for breakfast, and included us when he was working on the cars (which was often). He spent a lot of time with us in the ocean, installed industrial sized toilet paper dispensers, and videotaped EVERYTHING.
My hubby is also one of the greats out there. He hasn’t hacked Donkey Kong (well at least not that I know of) but he has shared his love of electronics with our daughters, teased them incessantly, taken way more daddy/daughter dates then one can count, and helped with homework. He watches the show Psych with the girls just so they can quote back and forth the funny lines and he has passed along his love for gumballs, beef jerky, and bacon as well as the bands The Beatles and Fun.
The moral of the story:
If you want to be a good dad (or mom),
be good at what you love and be good WITH your children.
You may not get five minutes of fame but you will be called “Best” by the ones that matter most forever.
Talking to the Girls about Motherhood {Vlog}
Just having a lazy summer morning with Sophia and Bella.
We interrupt Buffy The Vampire Slayer for the following message…
Contrary to popular belief giving birth is not the hardest part of motherhood, it’s the monotony of taking care of the children physically
forever and ever and ever and ever….
(Oh and I had food in my teeth not because I didn’t brush my teeth the night before but because I had gotten up two hours earlier to take Abigail to soccer conditioning – and yes those are pizelle cookies in my teeth because I love sneaking baked goods for breakfast.)
And for those of you who just can’t get enough, here are more videos of Sophia and Bella at their school’s annual end-of-the-year dance festival a few weeks ago.
When it says 4th grade it really means 5th grade and visa versa….good enough.
In Love At Home
Over at my new blog InLoveAtHome, I have touched on the subjects of
Summer Labor – My kids are earning their school clothes.
Raising Girls – My hubby is the best father of daughters.
Affection – Some girls like it like boys.
Bathroom Serenity – Yes this post is titled “Pooping In Peace” and one of my girls asked if I thought anyone would actually read it.
Sleep – Extra sleep helps parents be happier.
and more.
Come join me where the blogging hasn’t stopped
and where I really am learning to love motherhood.
Summer Sanity
Here are some great ideas for activities you can do for summer. After I told my sister about my trepidation of entertaining my kids on a budget all summer she gave me a great idea: have the kids write down ten to twenty simple activities each (that are free or super cheap) and then put each idea in a hat. Pull them out and assign them each a day of summer on the calendar. We did it and so far so good. I was amazed with how well the kids did coming up with things. It really is true that sometimes they just want their parents’ time more than their money. Some of the things we’ve done so far are a sidewalk chalk competition, a family movie night, bike ride, hike, swimming, baking out of that cookbook Bella got for Christmas. I’ve actually been able to enjoy myself a bit. As shown below. Yeah, it may have only lasted 10 minutes, but this mom of 4 will take what she can get.
If you were reading a few weeks back you’ll remember how I voiced my dread at the impending summer. Well I am happy to announce that I am fairing pretty well so far. After a specific session of marriage counseling that I will elaborate on later I have been able to let go of a lot of the negativity that has been plaguing me. But most of all I have made a specific plan of action that has been working for me.
It’s giving the whole family a balance between activity, productivity, and relaxation. What I love the most is that the plan is SIMPLE. The longer I parent the more I believe in simple. I have found that for me (as well as most others) if things are too elaborate they die down quickly.
So what is this magical plan? It’s based off of this quote:
“The child become a person through work.” ~ Maria Montessori
I want to teach my kids to work. I knew that if I incorporated work into each day that then the activities would be much more appreciated. And they have been.
So what is the plan? Every day this summer includes chore time. Period. It usually doesn’t last more than one hour. I look around the house and give them options of what needs to be done. They choose what they like to do. Lucky for me they all like to do different things.
What is their incentive? SCHOOL CLOTHES! (I don’t know if this will work as well with boys but with girls it has been magical.) It’s a win/win. We would usually buy them clothes anyway, but they can live without them. So if they want the clothes, they have to earn them and if they don’t earn them, no big deal. Every day after chore time they give themselves a tally mark on a piece of paper on the fridge. Every tally mark is worth a $1. By the end of the summer they can earn over $50 and that is all we usually let them spend anyway. (You may want to up the amount symbolized by each tally mark as I know 50 is small, but our kids do most of their shopping at the thrift-store so $50 is sufficient – we’re poor – what can I say)
This idea was inspired by a story I heard from a friend of a returning missionary in Africa. Our church embodies self-reliance and so our outreach efforts across the world are a little different than a lot of those that just do handouts. We look for lasting change, and so we teach people to work. I guess in Africa, we run a program that teaches people to make their own bricks. When they have molded enough bricks, the church then gives them the mortar and helps them construct a home. When I heard this I thought, “Genius, I must find a way to utilize this same theory with my kids.” And so I have. And guess what? My kids love it! They feel accomplished when they work and after they have worked they are happier for a break. They are looking forward to the fruits of their labor in the form of school clothes and they are learning that NO ONE gets something for nothing. It feels good to provide for ourselves and the work is more meaningful now that they see it is affiliated with earning something. It’s no longer a drudgery.
Gosh, I need to affiliate my work as a mother with the long lasting things I am earning so I can let go of the drudgery.
Here is some great food for thought on teaching children the value of work.
Raising Girls
I recently guest posted over at Pearls for Girls about life lessons I feel are important to teach girls.
I am so grateful for my most amazing husband who fathers girls with so much loving concern, patience, and attentiveness. My husband is one of my heroes. As I watch him with my daughters I know how blessed I was to see his kindness from the get-go and to marry him because of it. He has not one mean bone in his body and I can’t think of a better kind of man to father four girls.
Here is a video about raising girls that I just watched and enjoyed. It very much could have been done by my husband.
Affection for Dummies
This video about the dad singing the Beatles with his son has been shared a lot by my friends lately. It’s super cute as the toddler screams, “Don’t let me down.” As I watched it this morning I was thinking about how much pressure parents are under to not” let their kids down” in the affection department. Affection can be tricky as each kid needs it differently.
I struggle with affection. While I was growing up my mom was overly emotional and my dad wasn’t consistent with his emotions (as he was angry one minute and then trying to give you a hug the next.) I think somewhere I convinced myself that affection was not to be trusted.
As a parent this is problematic. Kids need affection. I don’t necessarily like to give it and I have four kids who all need it.
Something funny and educational happened at our house last week at Abigail’s birthday party and it taught me a good lesson about affection.
LG (the hubs) is the YM President in our ward. (He is like a youth pastor to teenage boys – for those who aren’t Mormon) One of LG’s boys was at Abigail’s party and was playing in the backyard with the blue hamster ball as shown. Out of nowhere LG took off racing across the yard and tackled the young man who screamed as he saw my 300 pound husband coming in full force. Jeff quickly (and wisely) ducked into the safety of the ball and easily weathered the collision. We all laughed. When LG reappeared at my side I questioned, “What was that?” He answered, “Oh that’s how guys show affection. We have to rough each other up.” hmm. How would I know that being the mother of 4 girls?
Abigail came home from church the next day relaying how Jeff retold his version of the story. Apparently the terrifying experience had earned him bragging rights in Sunday School and Abigail listened on with pride for her crazy dad.
I put this lesson to use the other night. Abigail is our child that does not like affection. She is especially leery of affection from mom and dad. After a trying talk over our intentions to limit her use of electronics in the evening hours she was upset. As I walked away from her still sulking on the couch I had a stroke of genius: I turned back and tackled her with a hug. We ended up wrestling for a good 15 minutes. She thought if she could beat me she could somehow win back the privilege of taking her cell phone to bed. It wasn’t going to happen. First of all, she can’t beat me and secondly, if she did she still wasn’t taking her cell phone to bed. At the end of the wrestling match, I felt close to Abigail and she was obviously happy about the physical touch.
Who knew after giving birth to four daughters that my hubby actually does have a son? Abigail needs affection in a way that only guys are supposed to understand. No wonder this mother has been failing. I will be on the look-out for other ways to show love to my girls that I have been missing.
I leave you with a great song. We heard it while out shopping the other day and we all love it. The lyrics embody another good lesson about affection.
alice w. gold 
