InLoveBlog

Close Enough Birthdays

I recently got a kick
out of the blog post
17 Pinterest Fails.

Go over and check out the hilarious photos
of how things appear on Pinterest
and how they look when other
“close enough” moms attempt them.
So funny.

I believe the “close enough” principle is one thing that helps me to have happiness in this crazy modern world we call motherhood where moms seem to fight til death outdoing one another.

Today we had a birthday party for Bella. It was most definitely a “close enough” party. In fact all the parties that we throw (which are only every four years since I hate it so much) are just “close enough”. Except that one we had for my oldest Abigail when she was 7 – that party with 50 kids was AMAZING!

I used to have shame in the fact that throwing a birthday party was so painful for me, but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve stripped myself from the shame. It is what it is. So now instead of cute scrap-booked party tags, the kids have to be happy with anything they can make with computer paper and a sharpie. I checked out of the party competition with other moms and I am working on checking out of all the areas of intense mom competition.

Parties are a lot of unnecessary work for a mom and I am tired. I am obviously capable of a great party: fifty cellophane bags full of beach themed trinkets, a handmade oversized beach scene cake, a firepit, slipnslide, pool, and water games were all involved at Abigail’s award winning shin-dig years ago. One tiny post-party situation is the only thing that keeps me from throwing more parties. After the party when all the kids from all over the world went home, I sat on the couch and couldn’t move for two weeks. I decided that being able to cook my kids dinner was probably more important than party-throwing, and I neatly stashed that fact away in my go-to mom file for future reference.

Maybe all moms should throw a party that colossal just once so that they will know that they can, then they will also know why they will choose not to throw parties anymore? Or maybe they can read this and learn from me? Let it go moms. Have a nice family dinner and sing a song while your kid blows out the candles. When your kid gets invited to the over-the-top party and whines on the way home that his birthday is so lame, kindly remind him that you don’t do that because you figure he needs a mother not in the loony bin more than a bounce house. You might be surprised at how well he will take it. And the bigger surprise is that you will teach your kids that it’s o.k. not to compete.

My kids only get a party every 4 years and they are limited with a budget of $100 towards presents and/or party. (It works really well if you choose certain ages like 4,8,12, and 16…that way when you have multiple children you may luck out and only have to do one party per year.) Yes that $100 is our manipulative effort to forgo the parties all together. It’s amazing how much our kids have learned about their own greediness with this simple rule. When one starts spending birthday money on other people and unnecessary trinkets, it quickly helps one recognize their real friends and needs over wants. Also a good lesson for adults: you don’t have as many close friends as you think AND you really should use most of your gift money to get what you need over what you want.

Or maybe you should just throw one party for their whole childhood and call it close enough? O.k. o.k. that might be cheating.

Swim Lessons Confumed {vlog}

We were on our way home from swim lessons yesterday when Caroline requested that I turn off the loud music. I asked her why she didn’t want the music on. She said, “It just makes me so confumed.” I loved her made up word. At four years old she combined confused with consumed. What an appropriate way of communicating the way the music was making her feel. If we all could just be so eloquent.

Today at swim lessons I got to watch a mom try to wrangle, manipulate, and beg her four year old to participate. The instructor dragged him into the pool for a bit but ended up bringing him back to his coddling mom on the sideline when he just wouldn’t be consoled. The kid never deviated from his standing shivering and screaming “it’s too cold.” I wondered why in the world his mom just didn’t wait another year to sign him up.

For twenty minutes he cried. I thought “what a cry-baby I wonder what that mom is doing wrong”…and then I realized my arrogance and changed the thought to “Wow, that mom must be amazing because God sent her that kid. He knew I couldn’t handle that kid. I should try to be more awesome.” At the given situation, I was exasperated and she was totally calm. I smiled at her and gave her a thumbs up while I read an appropriate line from my newest favorite book Carry On Warrior.

Be confident because you are a child of God. Be humble because everyone else is too.

Really the mom could be screwing the kid up, but guess what? I am too. I looked over to see Caroline insist that she be the motor boat every time. She didn’t think those other kids needed a turn. She’s the baby 6 years younger than the rest of her siblings. She’s kind of spoiled and there’s nothing I can do about the way God timed it.

At swim lessons it’s an equal toss up between chatting with another adult or reading a book while my kids are entertained. You can’t really go wrong with either one if your kid is willing to get in the pool.

Love and Be Loved

Cat and Dog on Relationships

A friend just posted a cute video of her pets and I had one of those moments of recognition. I ~~borrowed~~ stole some still-shots from the video for visuals. First, her mean kitty came up to the new kitty’s cage to hiss at her. Then the sweet sweet dog came and chased the mean cat away and hovered over the kitty to let her know she was safe.

While watching I was like, “Crap, I’m the mean cat.” I want so badly to be the hovering loving protective dog, but if I am honest with myself, I guess I should be honest with you too….I might reach nice dog status 30% of the time. The other 70% I am definitely in the cat-scratch-your-eyes-out mode.

I’m just cranky. People threaten me.

As I watched the mean kitty all defensive and aggressive, the principle that the therapist has been trying to teach me came to my mind’s forefront:

I have to rid myself of the fear of abandonment if I am ever going to have fulfilling close relationships.

In plain terms – I can’t be scared of other people because if I am I will use aggression, control, and other ineffective defense mechanisms to save myself from being hurt. Acting in such ways just causes me hurt because it pushes people away and that is what I was afraid of in the first place.

Funny sidestory – I am just remembering my kids showing a video from their ipod of Caroline crying the other day. One of my kids said matter-of-factly, “Caroline has abandonment issues.” Their 9 year old playmate was like, Wha? What is abandonment issues?” Yes, this is the stuff we talk about at our house.

Back to the dog and the cat. Remember my recent post about feeling lonely. I’m learning how vital relationships are to living a happy fulfilling life. We all need to connect. Joy is found in connection. I believe progress will be easy if I can let go of the fear.

To gain greater connection with others I will be working on seeing others as harmless little kittens that need my love and affection, not as threats to my stability and way of life. All the pet owners in the world have room for another pet….even the cranky cats.

“Yesterday I was a dog.
Today I’m a dog.
Tomorrow I’ll probably still be a dog.
Sigh!
There’s so little hope for advancement.” ~Charles M. Schulz

Don’t listen to him…there’s always hope for advancement.

Finding my passion

I’ve wondered many times over the years about my passion. What is it? How would I know it? What is my mission in this life? It seems the older I have become the more I wanted the answer. The clock was ticking away. One great thing about listening to God is that He has all the answers. When He told me to quit my job and be home more, He knew that I would have a need to seek more solace in my life. Raising children is a hard job and is often a loud job. My overly active sensors and sanity require me to escape.

Sidestory: One time I went and had my hearing checked as I’ve worried about it not being so great. The ear doctor told me that I showed signs of loss that are typical for someone engaged in a loud profession. Do you work around machinery? In a dance club? I answered, “No I have the loudest profession known to mankind: I’m a mother.”

So, I have sought out more solace and peace in my life. I am ever so intently seeking answers for where He is directing me.

Last week, while eating an orange, biking on the trail, listening to a book on tape, stopping to photograph God’s gorgeous earth, thinking about a quote I had read that would be framed so perfectly by the photo I was taking, and outlining a future blog post, I realized I had found my passions….all rolled up in to one neat package.

I felt so overwhelmed with joy and gratitude as God was answering my prayer of a decade, “What is my passion?”

I love reading. I love nature. I love exercise. I love photography. I love solace. I love words. I love truth. I love knowledge. I love honesty. I love mental health. I love sharing words and truth. I love writing. I love people. I love me. I love God. And I also love a perfect juicy orange.

It wasn’t until I took the hard journey towards peace (quitting my job, giving up crutches, going to therapy, taking time for it) that I was able to get in touch with my passions. I’ve always known they were there and I realized I had hobbies, but at that moment I finally realized the depth of those things in regards to my soul’s happiness. God had driven me to a place here I couldn’t have gone by myself. He helped me start this blog and guided me towards the things that would bring me joy.

If you are wondering where your passions lie, I highly recommend you read this article. Thanks for being here with me where all my passions intersect. I can honestly say that my blog 1-puts a smile on my face, 2- is easy, 3- sparks my creativity, 4- is worth doing for free, 5 – is where I write what I love to talk about , 6- is where I am not afraid to fail, and mostly, 7 – is where I would regret if I did not try. Having a passion is great, but knowing what that passion is and living it with purpose is way better than I expected.

Lessons from the trail: grandpas

Watching these grandpas walk together on the trail forced me to take inventory the other day. Am I a good friend? Do I have friends I can count on?

I have so much room for improvement.

I get lonely often. I have been trying to cultivate my relationship with God to a deeper level and feel successful. My relationship with my husband is better than ever (thank you marriage counselor.) I’ve also been spending a lot of time with my kids – can’t get away from them – blasted summer. However, I still get lonely.

At the same time, I like being alone. I don’t feel lonely when I am alone. Weird, eh? It leaves me wondering what my loneliness is trying to tell me because some of my happiest times are when I am alone. I guess when I am alone I am closest to God so that explains that. So what is this loneliness and why do I often feel it when I am surrounded by people?

As I run and bike the trail, I see all kinds of people engaged in all kinds of activity. Lately, though, I’ve been paying the greatest attention to the people who walk with a companion.

They always seem engaged in a beautiful thing with and without conversation. When there are just two people they always seem to genuinely be enjoying one another’s company. The picture above depicts one of these scenarios I found most touching.

I just read an article from the LA times that linked loneliness to premature death. I loved this line.

Anyone familiar with Henry David Thoreau knows that isolation does not necessarily lead to loneliness, while the story of Marilyn Monroe shows that a strong social life can still leave you lonely.

I think for me personally, I experience loneliness because at 39, I still struggle with emotional maturity. At least that is what the therapist said. Ha ha. I want to learn how to be closer to people. I want an old man to walk with on my path….o.k. maybe an old woman as I have an old man in my husband already. I’ve been on the prowl for a friendship that will be more deep and fulfilling, but so far it has been a challenge for me to find. Living in a society where putting on airs seems mandatory makes it almost impossible. There seems to be so much competition to be the best in everything nowadays instead of an atmosphere of “hey, you’re screwed up, I’m screwed up, you want to be friends?”

At the same time, I over-share and over-communicate, and maybe seek out too much emotional support and encouragement. I air my dirty laundry in hope of acceptance and am often left disappointed. I also struggle with comparison so it’s hard for me to befriend people who are out to prove themselves better than me.

I find myself pulling away from people who are surface friends. I can’t handle being surrounded by perfect people. I need real. Part of me worries that maybe I am expecting too much from others and not focusing on myself enough, but I think that is just paranoia talking. I think what is really happening is that for the first time in my life I am getting in touch with the real me: the good, the bad, the ugly. I am learning to love myself and accept myself. Like a person who trains with friends for a marathon: when the person is running consistently 2 minutes faster per mile, it’s time to find new running partners. For me, as I seek out emotional wellness, it means that surface friendships are no longer enough. The other people are two minutes behind and I can’t stop my personal best to wait for them. It hurts. It’s a painful change, and maybe even sometimes a lonely place, but eventually I think I will find them and I will be all the better for it.

I am left pondering is true friendship able to be maintained despite emotional wellness? I guess the real question is “should it be”?

I am going to open comments on this post only. I would love to hear kind feedback on how to create and maintain quality friendships.

Lessons from the Trail: The Horse and the Pipeline

Last week I learned another lesson from the trail. Just like my last lesson, the experience lasted less than 30 seconds. Being out in God’s open air seems to heighten my spiritual sense. Everything seems to have symbolic meaning that points me towards my maker.

As I was passing this trail-head, (photo taken later) I noticed two horseback riders approaching this portion of tunnel. The pipe pieces are found along the new Murdock Trail-heads as focal pieces of history. The trail is built atop of an old irrigation canal that has been piped and paved over and it’s fun to see the enormity of the pipeline underfoot.

Anyhow, the lead rider was trying his darnedest to lead his horse through the tunnel. The teeny tunnel is actually a shortcut to the bathrooms. If you don’t go through the tunnel, you have to follow the trail around the long way. The horse was having nothing to do with it. He kept violently swinging his head to the right as if to make his guide aware that he knew the better way.

But, he didn’t know the better way, he was just afraid to walk through the tunnel. He didn’t trust his guide.

I chuckled at the horse’s foolishness and marveled at the guide’s patience. As I drove off on my bike, never to know whether or not the horse would actually make it through the tunnel, I shook my head in shame a bit realizing that I do the same all too often. God tells me to go a certain direction and I can’t figure out how that direction can possibly be the best choice for me. I pridefully think that I can show God how to do it my way by violently throwing out my neck. I deny the real reason for my refusal: my fear. Yes, I’m a dumb stubborn mule and I often take the long way because I refuse to trust. Lucky for me, my guide has perfect patience.

Carry Me Home Tonight {vlog}

We interrupt this regular blog post to show you what Alice has been doing all summer.

Yes, Alice does rock out in the car at all times. Usually she is in the driver’s seat and there are at least 6 children accompanying her to and fro from swimming, soccer, softball, parking, shopping, librarying, and the occasional break to Sonic for happy hour.

Life is good. And it also happens to be exhausting so carry me home tonight because I always set the world on fire.

Goodbye Things

I want money, lots and lots of money.
I want to be a billionaire so freaking bad.
Money, that’s what I want.
We are living in a material world,
and I am a material girl.

I love it when lyrics paint a good picture. This picture was me. It was me until something happened. Well, not just something, a lot of little things.

Trying to live by God’s standard for me was causing me a lot of heartache. When I quit my job I was stuck for weeks in the “woe is me” mode. Didn’t God understand that I didn’t want to live another year of my long 40 year life being poor? Hadn’t I had enough? For most of my life (except for those few rebellious years in high school) I have tried to be a good girl, and I have never known the freedom we call financial success. Didn’t this girl deserve a break?

The girl left her mom and dad’s house at 17 with nothing but a few suitcases and a deposit on an apartment and forged her way from there with no assistance at all. This girl worked two night jobs (sometimes til 2 am) while pregnant with her third baby to save money for hubby’s college. This girl lived three decades plus without a dishwasher and almost a decade with a dilapidated bathroom that embarrassed her to shame. This girl rarely had new clothes growing up and still goes without so much to buy her own kids clothes from the thrift-store. Wasn’t it time for this generous, obedient and loving daughter of God to know another way of life: the better way? Why God? Why when I want to work to have the finer things of life do you make me stay home? Why when everyone else seems to get multiple vacations a year, have new cars, big homes, and plenty to go around (even when they too have large families) are we made to suffer? Why do all those other ladies get to work to pay for that stuff and I am told to stay home?

I was D O N E. I felt picked on. I felt dejected. I was abandoned and forsaken. I was mad. I was hurt. I was confused. Why didn’t Got want me to have anything more when he seemed to give to everyone else so abundantly? Why did I always get the table scraps?

And then three things happened. The combination of which had a profound affect on my heart and mind.

First, I was sitting in Sunday School when asked to share a favorite scripture. I went looking in the Doctrine and Covenants for a verse that was extremely influential at a hard time in my life. It says, “Hold on thy way.” While searching, I stumbled upon an answer I needed in the moment. It happened to be another favorite that has stuck out to me many times in my poverty stricken life.

“And verily I say unto thee that thou shalt lay aside the things of this world and seek for the things of a better.”
~Doctrine and Covenants 25:10

For those of you that don’t believe in Mormon scripture, here is the same message from The Holy Bible.

“But rather seek ye the kingdom of God; and all these things shall be added unto you.” ~Luke 12:31

I thought, “Why can’t I seem to let go of riches and seek the kingdom of God?”

Then a few weeks later, in a church meeting, we sang a hymn titled How Firm A Foundation. It has always been one of my favorites. As I sang along, the words stuck in my throat, they turned around and flew on wings straight down to my heart. My eyes filled with tears.

“How firm a foundation, ye Saints of the Lord, Is laid for your faith in his excellent word! What more can he say than to you he hath said, Who unto the Savior, who unto the Savior, who unto the Savior for refuge have fled?”

“In ev’ry condition – in sickness, in health, In poverty’s vale or abounding in wealth, At home or abroad, on the land or the sea – As thy days may demand, as thy days may demand, As thy days may demand, so thy succor shall be.”

“Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed, For I am thy God and will still give thee aid. I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand, Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.”

I understood something: God didn’t take this trial of poverty away because He doesn’t care. (What? He doesn’t care? – He cares about me infinitely, he just doesn’t care about my financial status.) It isn’t important to him that I have new clothes or a vacation or a dishwasher. The purpose of this life is to prove me faithful. The more I suffer and remain obedient, the more I earn in the next life. He wants me to have mansions in heaven, and is only concerned with giving me the necessities of mortal life while I am on earth.

Still, I didn’t like it. I couldn’t shake it. I was still resentful. I unloaded on the marriage counselor who happens to be amazing at what she does. I thought surely she would back me up and empower me to go back to work. Yet, I sold her short. She shares my faith and my religion. She called me out and gave me the third part of the message,”You can’t compare your life to other people’s lives. You can’t feel less than others because your challenges are different than theirs. If you can’t learn to be happy poor, you will never be happy rich either.” And the clincher, “You don’t have to be poor, you just have to be willing to be poor.”

I went home and sulked for a day and thought it over, and ended my journey in prayer. My heart had changed. “O.k. God, I’m willing to be poor. Well, I want to be completely willing. Change me.”

The next day as I was looking out my front window, something clicked. I got it. In my changed heart, I was happy that my needs were met. Who cares if the house I live in is rented? God has always met my needs. I didn’t care one bit about my beat up mini-van, second hand couches, or the lack of drapes on my curtain rod (for the last 2 years.) It didn’t matter. It didn’t matter that the above saying (the most important things in life aren’t things) was ironically found by me at Abigail’s soccer friend’s mansion (full of everything anyone could ever want) because it was true. It was true for me and it was true for the rich people too. If my heart was turned towards God, and if I could keep it there, the importance of things would be nil, and I could be happy.

Ever since that morning, I have been happy. Truly happy. So happy I hope I am never not poor because I might forget.

I guess I can’t like this song anymore. Dangit. It’s so cute.

If you still need some more convincing, go read the whole chapter of Luke 12. woo-we. Good stuff.

Counting My Blessings

It’s been a little over two months since I took God up on his challenge to quit my job and work on being more present at home, simultaneously starting this blog to record my journey. I can honestly say it’s been a wonderful two months. The first month was extremely challenging but somewhere in the past few weeks something has changed within me. Like they say in the “Wicked” music: “something is not the same.”

It’s amazing to me when I do what God has asked, He seems to always shower me with unexpected blessings that never could have been anticipated. For instance, I feel a tremendous amount of peace. I know it may seem silly to say I didn’t anticipate peace; don’t we always get more peace when we follow God? But truly living on the budget that he was requiring of me and hanging out with my kids more seemed like it would bring anything but peace. Miraculously though I feel more peace then I ever have before. The peace I feel is by far the greatest blessing I have received as a direct result from this inloveathome experiment.

I can’t help but think of a scripture from The Book of Mormon

Mosiah 2:24 “And secondly, he doth require that ye should do as he hath commanded you; for which if ye do, he doth immediately bless you; and therefore he hath paid you. And ye are still indebted unto him, and are, and will be, forever and ever; therefore, of what have ye to boast?”

Last month when I was struggling I asked my FB friends how they overcame times when they weren’t happy and one of the overwhelming responses was they counted their blessings. Counting my blessings is a practice that always brings me greater happiness, so I am excited to share it with you. I thought it would be fun to list some other blessings I’ve received over the past two months. I hope to do this from time to time – sometimes I have so many blessings stirring around in my head it gets rather crowded. I hope if I write them here I can make some room upstairs to ponder the new ones. I also hope that this record will stand as a living testament that God is aware of all of his children and that he does shower us with blessings if we are willing to follow Him.

1. A friend brought over 4 pounds of sausage just to show her love and support.

2. Another friend e-mailed me about how I inspire her as she is quitting her job too.

3. My sister complimented me on my willingness to follow the promptings of the spirit.

4. My sister-in-law and two friends gave my girls some cute second-hand clothes.

5. With a coupon and some trade-ins, we were able to buy Bella a used softball batting helmet for $4.

6. Abigail’s old cleats fit Sophia just in time for soccer camp.

7. A friend gave me her milk and eggs that would go bad when she went on vacation. The milk was just enough to tide us over til payday.

8. I was able to work miracles with the budget at the beginning of June and even send our dads a very small Father’s Day gift. Gift-giving makes me happy. LG and I were also able to exchange very small and simple Fathers and Mothers Day gifts but they were meaningful and appreciated.

9. We were able to afford swim lessons and soccer camp for the kids.

10. We have the pass of all passes that has given us a lot of free entertainment this summer.

11. Our cars are still running. One day the A/C in my van started making a really funky noise, and I dreaded the thought of taking our kids across the desert to my parent’s 50th reunion coming up. I prayed and said, “Heavenly Father, if you feel like us not having an A/C is a trial that will teach us something, let us be ready to learn it, and let me be cheerful, and if not, please let it keep working til we can afford to pay for it.” The sound went away the very next day and so far it is still working. Thank you to my Heavenly Father!!

12. LG and I have been making some real breakthroughs at marriage counseling. We have a wonderful marriage counselor that we found through an online friend whom I only know because of my old blog. It looks like we will be able to finish up with counseling just in time to utilize the same amount of money we are paying monthly now to pay for Abigail’s braces.

13. We got a check that was $500 more than we expected from our former mortgage company settlement and it is just the amount we were short to pay for our upcoming family reunion so I don’t have to keep scrounging to make do.

14. We’ve been reading a lot this summer and because a friend of mine has been on bed-rest, I’ve been able to share my love for the library with her three children too. Sometimes service opportunities are the best blessings.

15. Sophia’s arm-cast fell off all by itself so we didn’t have to pay the doctor to remove it.

16. My bike hasn’t gotten a flat tire all summer and it’s such a great way for me to find joy and serenity when I need it.

17. We were able to get the kids some summer clothes at the thrift-store 50% off. We’ve been able to give Abigail and Caroline nice birthday celebrations. Abigail is a teenager who is happy to use her birthday money to shop at thrift-stores and second hand stores. Talk about miracles.

18. LG has been gaining confidence at work and with his new calling at church to work with the Young Men.

19. Abigail and I both have broken iPhone screens but the phones keep on working.

20. I feel closer to my kids.

I feel grateful for every little miracle. You may call them coincidences or will argue that they would have happened anyway but everywhere I go, I see God’s hand in my life, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I am so grateful and I am so blessed.