InLoveBlog

Loving my Enemy – Literally

I’m a sucker for humanity. I love touchy-feely stories of love, hope, kindness, and self-sacrifice.

I love stuff like this, this, and this.

Contention makes me a little uncomfortable. I can handle it but it just sets my heart at unrest. Because I’m a Mormon I’ve experienced some pretty intense contention directed at me. I’ve been called a bigot for standing for traditional marriage. (I still self-talk myself through one really personal de-friend not because I am hurt but I am sad I may have really hurt someone else with my unwillingness to change my religious views.) I’ve survived an anonymous commenter on my old blog who for years always told me how stupid I was for my beliefs. (She/he is the reason I don’t have commenting open on this blog – I just don’t need anonymous stalkers who are cruel.) I’ve been teased by one of my very best friends about getting magical underwear after attending the temple for the first time. (I flipped her off – not my finest moment. I still love you friend, if you happen to be reading. Glad we can agree to disagree.)

A few years back when I attended the LDS Women’s General Meeting in SLC some anti-Mormons got sneaky and handed out their propaganda inside tissue packets. The attendees just thought someone was doing something really nice by handing out the tissues and were accepting them in droves. The meetings can get pretty emotional when you start feeling the influence of the Holy Ghost and tissues are always a welcome commodity. I am not afraid of a fight. Once I figured out what was going on, I gathered up all the tissues I could find and took them back to the lady on the corner with the wicker basket. I said calm yet firm, “I would never in a million years come and crash your church gathering and hand out crap against your church leaders.” I filled her basket back up with my stack of retrieved tissues and walked away. She was speechless. For the next two hour meeting I sat with a lump in my heart feeling like I should have been more kind. I let her offend me and I should have just showed her love and invited her inside to see what she was so threatened about.

This past Saturday we took our kids back to Salt Lake City for General Conference. Kids under eight years old aren’t allowed to attend and so LG took our older three girls into the Conference Center and I took Caroline across the street to listen wherever we could park ourselves. (We ended up in the basement of the Visitor’s Center in an almost empty theater with stadium seating – Rock on!) There are always a lot of protesters on the sidewalks and we passed one particularly vocal one. He was saying things like, “Your underwear is dirty. You are not saved. You are fools. You are deceived.” You know – the typical. I got a thought, “Go give him a hug.” I chuckled. No way! He was so loud and everyone couldn’t help but give him attention while passing by, there was no way I was going to put myself up for a lashing like that especially with Caroline in tow. I walked on. We watched the meeting and then passed him again while going to meet back up with LG. The thought came again, “Go give him a hug.”

As we sat and waited for LG at the end of the sidewalk I couldn’t shake the impression. Once he and the girls arrived I told LG, “I’ll be right back, there is something I have to do.” He questioned knowing I am never afraid to stick up for myself and probably a little afraid he might have to pick me up from jail, “Alice, what are you going to do? Are you going to get into trouble?” “No, no”, I assured him. “Just give me a second, I will be right back.” I ran back to the protester with the beard, the Mormon temple clothes wrapped around his wrists and the sign that said, “You are going to hell.” Now a really large crowd had gathered. I chuckled a prayer up to God, “You’ve got a sense of humor, you know.” And then I prayed the hug-receiver wouldn’t hit me. I walked right up to him as an obvious person on the opposite end of his views. Amazingly he quieted. I looked him in the eye and said, “Can I give you a hug?” He looked dumbfounded. As he answered I closed the space to not get fully rejected. He said, “I don’t think my wife will appreciate that.” I said, “How about a half hug then?” I quickly wrapped my left arm around his back and squeezed his left shoulder as he watched suspiciously. I explained, “I try to always follow any promptings that I get and this morning my prompting was to give you a hug.” I’ll give him credit as a human. He wasn’t mean. He didn’t hit me. He didn’t yell at me. He smiled. I smiled back and then returned without incident to my waiting husband relieved that he wouldn’t have to bail me out. It felt good to love my enemy.

I hope God doesn’t ask me to do something crazy like that again, but I hope if he does, I’ll have the courage.

I stole this photo off the internet. Oh internet police, please be kind. I needed a visual to match the story. My protester was right inside that gate on the left. Not shown in this photo…although that kind of looks like it could be him on the right sans his 5 other signs and temple clothes.

Funny side story. Abigail told her seminary teacher about this exchange on Monday and I guess he shared it with several of his classes. On her way home from school a lot of her friends asked her if I was the one who had hugged the protester. I guess I have a reputation as the crazy lady. I guess that is why I can still love my enemy….I can relate to them. I get their craziness and I get their passion. Even if we have polar opposite views, I mostly get that we share humanity and that is a beautiful beautiful thing.

remembering in the winter

Here in Orem, Utah the first snow of the year is on the ground. It’s always so beautiful and daunting at the same time. The snow always seems to come too early. It sneaks its way onto the ground piercing the darkest hours of the night when all the sleeping are oblivious. They went to bed smiling while thinking about how much they were enjoying the fall only to wake up to see fall squeezed out all together. Snow is tricky and rude like that. Its like the supermodel of weather. Nobody really wants it around with its cruel personality but they can’t help but admire it for the beauty it brings to the table.

In response to yesterday’s post I received a text last night. A stranger was thanking me for encouraging words during a hard week. It made me feel so happy. I felt like I made a difference for one person. I ask for no more than that. All I want to do is help people be happy. All I want to do is be happy. Such a small moment made me so proud and grateful. I felt as if I was fulfilling one mission in my life: spread hope.

I have been pondering about happiness this morning. I’ve been thinking about the winters of my life. When I was in the middle of the winters I wasn’t grateful for them. In fact I felt robbed. I felt abandoned by God. I felt hurt by perpetrators around me. I felt disappointed in myself. I was freezing and buried deep in snow. I felt like I would never live to spring.

The day I was diagnosed as Bi-Polar Type II sticks out as one of the harshest winters. I never wanted to be crazy. I felt totally cheated. What had I ever done to deserve such a cruel label? God must not have loved me. The time we lost our home in TN? That wasn’t fun. Receiving the news that my hubby didn’t pass the bar the first time was a big blow that seems totally minuscule now. One time in eighth grade a really cruel kid humiliated me for five minutes straight while my classmates all looked on and did nothing. He berated me calling me fat and ugly and worthless and everyone just stared as I tried to hold back tears. There was a day that I walked in on my ASB advisor to hear him bad-mouthing my family. The day I gave birth to Caroline I was fondled by the doctor who would later deliver my baby. While in labor, I cried and cried to my husband and mother-in-law who had been forced to leave the room right before the instance occurred. I was violated but I didn’t know what to do about it. Neither did they – that’s why we let the perpetrator deliver my daughter.

I’ve had extreme poverty as a child and as a mother of children. I’ve had difficult marital issues. I’ve lived three years of my life when both my hubby and I depended on one car to get us from work to school…that car was in the shop at least on a monthly basis. I’ve had health issues…pancreatitis, pluracy, gall bladder issues, club feet, and a chopped off toe. I served a mission for my church for eighteen months with nothing but a suitcase full of clothes that I bought myself at the thrift store. I’ve struggled with resentment that no one helped me understand earlier in life that graduating from college was something I could do. I’ve had excessive pride, envy, and impatience.

Losing multiple family members and friends too early is when I might have been the coldest. I’ve suffered with four miscarriages and infertility. I’ve also suffered from the decision my hubby and I made to start our family earlier than I would have preferred because that is what we knew God wanted for us. It was very hard to raise three children for the ten years while my hubby was in college. Finding out that a most trusted loved one had been untrustworthy – that winter lasted about ten years. There have been plenty of struggles with friends. I’ve had dark depression and have also been so manic that I did and said really stupid things. I’ve been engulfed in the chains of codependency wondering why people couldn’t even try to make me happy. I have hurt people. I have hurt myself. I have wallowed in pity. I have felt totally hopeless and in complete despair.

I’ve had a lot of winter in my life, but I’ve had more summer, spring, and fall. I appreciate the warmer seasons but I am most grateful for the winters…they’ve made me a permanently worn warm woolen coat. Without my winters, I wouldn’t be so resilient. I also couldn’t help other people experiencing their own below freezing temperatures. I’ve found nothing more sweet and full of sunshine in this life then first helping myself to overcome and second being a beacon for others.

While pondering about winters this morning I came across this video below.
It’s a beautiful reminder that if we just courageously stand up to our winters,
we each have a moment of sure summer joy to claim for our own.

I’ve always loved this song by Bette Midler.

“The Rose”

Some say love, it is a river
That drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love, it is a hunger,
An endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower,
And you its only seed.

It’s the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance.
It’s the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance.
It’s the one who won’t be taken,
Who cannot seem to give,
And the soul afraid of dyin’
That never learns to live.

When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long,
And you think that love is only
For the lucky and the strong,
Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snows
Lies the seed that with the sun’s love
In the spring becomes the rose.

For All Suicidal Teenagers

Hi guys. Please hear me out. It will just take a second. Do you see this cute girl up here? This is my daughter Bella. Do you see that sad look on her face? She doesn’t like to smile for pictures. Maybe you don’t like to smile for pictures either. Maybe right now you are feeling like you will never smile again. Ever. There may be nothing to smile about as far back as you can remember. I have felt like that before. It’s a crappy way to feel. I want you to know that I don’t feel like that any more. In fact I smile almost all the time. I want you to know that just because right now things suck, they don’t have to stay that way. I need you to know that.

When I was a younger person there were a lot of times that I would go to the beach and think about jumping off the cliff. I would stare at a razor while taking a bath and wonder what it would be like to end it all. I wanted to end it. I really did. There were a lot of days when I was sick of it all. I was sick of not feeling smart. I was sick of my crazy family. I was sick of being called fat. I was sick of being poor. I was sick of feeling ugly. I was sick of being unappreciated. I was sick of knowing that I was not special. I was sick of knowing that I would never do anything amazing with my life. I was sick over the boy that I really liked but didn’t like me back. And to be honest, I had a right to be sick of it. A lot of those days were really bad and I didn’t have anything to be happy about.

But I do now. I have a lot to be happy about. I have Bella up there and I have three other kids who are awesome. I have a great husband. I am not even that fat any more. I ran 3 miles yesterday in 27 minutes. That’s pretty good for an old lady. I’m turning 40 next month and that is pretty cool. But guess what? I wouldn’t have any of that if I would have jumped off that cliff. I would have never figured out how to be happy if I gave up. I’m so glad I didn’t give up. I am so proud of myself. Only I can take the credit for choosing to stay alive. Nobody else did that for me. It was all me. There was a light inside of me that pushed against so much dark. Over the years that light has gotten brighter and brighter and the darkness is now the small part that tries to push against the light. I am proud to say that it doesn’t usually get very far any more. I have learned so much. I have grown so much. I have overcome so much.

I know you might feel all alone. I know you think nobody cares. I am not here to tell you that you are wrong. Nobody wants to be told that they are wrong. I am here to tell you that you are right. You are right to feel the way that you feel. Feelings aren’t bad. You don’t need to be ashamed for your feelings. Feelings just are what they are. All of your feelings are important. They are important to me and they are probably important to other people, but more than anything, you need to let them be important to you.

Right now, you may, in fact, be all alone. There may be no one else out there who cares. Nobody may know that you are hiding away ready to harm yourself. They may know that you are hiding away, but they probably figure that whatever you are going through can be worked out later. They may not understand the depth of your hurt or worse they may understand how much you hurt but they aren’t doing anything to help. There may be so many things that they can be doing and they aren’t. I am one of these people. I am a stranger to you. I may have NOT smiled at you today when I had the chance. I may have been unkind.I may have been thoughtless and said something stupid. (Heck, this post may be one of those things.) I hope I wasn’t, but what you are about to do could be all my fault. I don’t like sitting with that idea. That’s why I am writing this post just for you.

Now here is the part that you don’t want to hear. Sorry I am a mom. I have to throw one part in here. The most sad part about the way that you are feeling right now is not the fact that nobody else cares….the saddest part is that…..you don’t care. Somewhere in the last few minutes, hours, days, months, or years, you said….Forget it. I’m done. I’m not doing this anymore. I don’t care anymore. I quit. I’m not trying. It’s never going to get any better. I suck. I’m not worth it. I can’t fix me. I can’t be happy. I will never be happy.

Now steel yourself because I am going to tell you what you really don’t want to hear – you’re wrong. You’re not wrong in the way that you feel. You have every right to feel that way. You’re wrong that you believe that it can’t get better. I feel compelled to tell you today that it not only CAN get better it WILL get better if you just give it a chance. I know this because I have lived it. The only chance you need to give it is to live. That’s it. Keep living. I am begging of you. Please don’t think that killing yourself is the answer. It isn’t your best option. Yeah it’s an option and yeah it will make things go away right now, but what you can’t possibly understand right now is that you won’t just be killing all the darkness, you will also kill the light. Even if it’s just little right now and you don’t even believe that it is in there, you will never know if it could have grown. You will never get to see its beautiful potential living to its fullest on this earth.

Yesterday I got a call from a friend about an attempted suicide of one of her children. It hit home. Hard. I thought about it all day. I thought about you all day. I thought about what I could do to help. Her scenario was one that has already played out in my life with someone who I love dearly.

I wish more than anything I could have done something for him. I wish more than anything that I would have known he was feeling how you are feeling. I would have ran to him as fast as I could, and so would the other 300+ people who were at his funeral. We all would have wrapped our arms around him and wept with him for how crappy he felt if we just knew.

Last week, my friend found her son hanging in the closet and the only difference between her and others is that she found her son a lot sooner. He was purple. He had not been breathing for five minutes, but his light was still on just a tad inside his heart. Yes, inside his heart! Where else would it be? It was at the very deepest part and the dark was about to take it over. Sometimes the light is hard to find when it gets so small. But her son’s light wasn’t leaving. It wanted to stay, even though her son didn’t want it to.

She and her husband were able to revive him and get him to the hospital and hours later with a respirator down his throat his eyes opened showing he had come back to life. Everyone rejoiced. (Oh, how I wish I could have had that ending with my loved one) The medical staff said that this kid was a miracle. He was only the second kid that they had brought back from death and the first without any significant brain damage.

My friend was so relieved at the outcome and is relieved that her son is now getting the help he needs to find happiness in his life. She was so glad she got to say sorry for the fight that they had minutes before he decided to end it. She is so happy that he won’t miss out on so many of the great things that lie in his future. Maybe he will climb Mt. Kilimanjaro. Maybe he will learn to surf. Maybe he will find medication (like I did) that will make the dark go away. Maybe he will grow up to be a teacher and help other kids. Maybe he will just wake up tomorrow and really that is pretty amazing considering the alternative.

I know this may sound too dreary. It may be really hard for you to read. Why am I spreading this morbid message on the internet? I mean really, aren’t those scenarios only for THOSE families? The rest of us don’t need to hear about this stark reality. Only the crazies have to deal with their children taking their own lives. Well, I am here to tell you adults that you are wrong. We’re all at risk. This is a harsh truth.

Adults and kids are dying every day because they are taking their own lives. They aren’t crazy. Well, that is, they aren’t crazier than the rest of us. Aren’t we all a little crazy? The adults may be too afraid to deal with their mental illness because of all the sad stigmas in our society. (Adults, don’t be afraid.) The kids are discouraged and they lack reasoning skills. (Kids, it’s a proven fact that you don’t think rationally – you have limited vision into your future) That’s why I want to help you see that your future is pretty bright. The sun can come out tomorrow. You all see a way to escape unhappiness and are taking it. It’s not just tragic when it happens, it’s tragic because we are not doing enough to stop it. It’s tragic because when people rob themselves of the present darkness (which is undeniably relieving) they are also robbing themselves of the potential light (which is so bright they can’t even fathom it.)

Kids, please listen to me. I may not love you now, but I would if you gave me a chance to meet you. Stay alive. Keep fighting. Most of all keep caring about yourself because you are not worthless. You are not unloved. You are not stupid. O.k. you might be stupid, actually. You might even be fat, but you can change that. You can change anything that you decide to change. Your potential is only measured by you. Your light is the most beautiful thing in the whole world and it wants to live. It wants to chase out the dark. Just let it. It may need some time. Don’t rob it of its chance.

If this post hasn’t been enough to convince you, please call me and give me a chance to tell you to your face. (Don’t tell me that I don’t care as I am about to put my personal cell phone number on the internet and we all know how stupid that is) My number is 801 then 3 then 5 then 8 and at the end is 666 (my husband apparently thinks I am evil – he’s funny like that) and 2. Call me now. You have the choice to change the stupid part right now. Kill yourself – stupid. Call me – smart. See how that works?

Here is an interesting news story that I can’t get to embed for the life of me.
You are going to have to hit the link.
http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=24937434

Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death. Let’s change that.

The United State is the 33rd highest suicide nation. The whole world is hurting people. See, you aren’t alone in misery.

Suicide is growing. We can stop it.

If you don’t want to call me, call the hotline found here.

My ManBoy

My latest read is Rules of Civility by Amor Towles.
I don’t know if it could really be considered a book about happiness,
but it is definitely a tale of how NOT to be happy.
I’ve enjoyed it. It must have been so liberal for its time.

I’ve been having a lazy day with Caroline finishing up the last 50 pages
and the above quote was such a beautiful way to explain
what I love most about my husband that I had to come and write.
I haven’t even finished the last few pages yet.

Being married is the best thing that has ever happened to me in this life. It is also the hardest thing that I have ever done. Staying in love takes a lot of work, but it is the best kind of work that I make myself want to do. Funny the other day a lady at church came up to me to tell me that going to marriage counseling was unnecessary. It was almost as if she thought I had crossed some line of impropriety. Meanwhile she lives in a loveless marriage. I tried to explain to her that marriage counseling is a wonderful tool that my husband and I use to both get what we want. I am so grateful to have a really good counselor. LG and I both have never been healthier or happier.

Back to the above quote. Reading those two short lines brought back a flood of images of times when I observed my husband with such great love I thought I would burst. I didn’t realize when they occurred that those moments were so special because they were when his boy and his man collided. One of the most beautiful parts of sharing a life with a partner is knowing them better than anyone else in the world. Knowing their self in the present and the past and therefore the future also. Knowing where they’ve come from is sacred but knowing what they will become is the most powerful. Being with my man in the past and present is my greatest privilege second only to the future of guaranteed togetherness that lies ahead.

So, I want to write those moments before I forget them.
The moments when my husband was perhaps the most beautiful to me, when his man and boy were both present:

Riding bikes along a trail together. (He used to love to fill his backpack and leave for a whole Saturday with his Vienna Sausages)
Building fires. (Whenever I see him build a fire I think of him as a ten-year-old Cub Scout)
Playing video games. (Thank heavens this doesn’t happen very often like some men who stay stuck as boys)
Nerf Gun fights. (There’s just something about a man and his gun)
Watching Lord of the Rings, Avengers, Superman, Batman, etc. and hearing him name the villain as they show up on the screen. (He has a photographic memory for those old comic books and fantasy novels)
When he plays The Entertainer on the piano. (It’s as if he shrinks by 150 pounds right before my eyes)
Listening to Sarah McLachlan. (His teenage crush cannot be hid)
Singing along to John Denver. (We share this childhood memory)
Watching him play basketball. (He bites his tongue and its just so cute)
Picking beans and shucking corn. (The lyrics to a great song that I love but also something LG did a lot of as a kid)
Listening to bluegrass. (Always makes me think of the first time he promised to someday take me to Dollywood with his slightly detectable Southern accent)
Rollercoasters. (He always recalls that Dollywood used to be Silver Dollar City)
Watching him plunk away at random instruments. (He has this love and interest that he cultivated as a kid)
Hearing him say Mama. (When we first met he always called his mom Mama)
Watching him use his Priesthood. (I always think of his little 12-year-old self passing the sacrament)
When he cleans. (His mama taught him good – he is especially meticulous – just like her – with folding clothes with perfection)
When he doodles his L’s and G’s in 3D form. (A little bit of mindless habit)
Mowing the lawn. (Um yeah he did a lot of that as a kid and still does)
When he ties a tie. (It’s a talent that I love to admire)
When he’s immersed in a novel. (That man loves to read)
When he helps the kids with their math. (I’m pretty sure he could do calculus in elementary school)
When he eats a bowl of cereal. (We used to love to watch Saturday morning cartoons naked with our cereal when we first got married, I watched him more then the cartoons)
When he plays with the guys. (One of my most fond memories was watching LG at about 28 with his two best friends Scott and Conan. They had made up a game with a ball and a electric wire.)
When he held our babies. (I could just imagine him as his mama’s oldest child helping her so sweet and gently with all his younger siblings)

I am sure there are so many more. I could write all day, but I will stop myself there. Perhaps the most intimate moments are too private to share, but when a grown man can cry and share with you moments when as a kid he was scared, wronged, ashamed, lonely, and confused it is such a beautiful vulnerability. Those sad moments are just as important and touching as his paradoxical times of love, happiness, pride, and joy.

I married a wonderful man. I just happened to get a pretty great little boy in the deal, and I don’t even have a single son.

Sugar-free Fruit Leather

I could not believe how easy it was to make my own fruit leather.
Really, I know you think it will be too hard to do, but anyone can do this.
It’s three easy steps.
That’s it.
From now on I will be making my own.
It’s way healthier and a whole lot cheaper.

Step 1: Prepare your fruit. Peel. Wash. Treat with any anti-browning agent (Ball Fresh Fruit).
Caroline is modeling pears, but they could just as easily be apples, peaches, or berries.
I am not sure how bananas would do, but you could try them.

Blend your fruit together with flavors/spices.
This is all about your preference.
I used cinnamon, nutmeg, and cloves.
I also added in some OJ concentrate.
The sky is the limit here. Use your imagination.
You want a thick smoothie type concoction.
This amount in the blender (aprox. 4 cups) did two jelly roll size pans.
[Keep in mind how many shelves you have in your oven.]

Line a cookie sheet with a thick saran wrap. (I used Glad Press n Seal)
[Make sure you tape down excess wrap on ends,
if it falls into the fruit puree, it won’t dry.]
Pour the fruit and smooth to 1/4″ thickness. (spatula, shake, and gently bounce)
Bake in oven at 160 degrees for approximately eight hours.
I like doing it right before I go to bed.

When it’s done, I let it cool.
Then, cut the whole leather in half vertical
(cut straight up the middle from the long side of pan)
and then each half in about 6 rolls vertically.
Roll each individual from the middle so the excess plastic wrap
on the short ends of the pan can be used to seal the roll shut.
Then I store them in a plastic ziplock/tupperware.

I Got Two Dogs by John Lithgow

I Got Two Dogs by John Lithgow
My rating: 5 of 5 stars
View all my reviews

Here is what you all didn’t even know that you were waiting for: the inaugural “Good Reads for Kids by Kids” post. I am excited to share my kids’ reviews for their favorite books. Reading is one of our favorite forms of entertainment. I love kids lit! I love the fun illustrations. I love the simplicity of topics. I especially love the fact that they teach really good life lessons in a way that keeps not just the interest of children but of every age group .

Caroline and I go to the library once a week. She picks out about twenty books and then LG and I each take a turn every other night reading three to her before bed. We have done this with all our kids and consequently they all love to read. I personally believe the most influential thing a parent can do for the kids education is to read to them. So far, so good. Our kids are smart.

At the library on Tuesday I was excited to find a book by John Lithgow. I love him as an actor and so I had high hopes. The cover looked like it could be a winner. Yeah, I judge books my their covers all the time.

LG got to read on Tuesday and so when I snuggled in with Caroline last night I wasn’t surprised that even though Daddy had already read it with her, out of her twenty choices, she wanted to read Lithgow’s book with me again. When that happens it means she really likes the book.

We read it together and I also loved it. It’s fun. It’s funny. The illustrations are great. It keeps your interest with the catchy rhymes. Then, as if I needed an additional selling point, Caroline asked me if we could listen to the CD. Dad had promised.

Oh my goodness, I fell in love with John Lithgow all over again. What a fun and catchy song! Kids can listen to the song and use the book to help them with their sight reading. It’s genius.

If you need any more selling points:

1- The book is about dogs. All kids love dogs.

2- The book can be used for a great comparison lesson. How are the two dogs the same? How are they different?

3- The book could be turned into a really fun skit or puppet show.

4- Kids can participate with the well placed OOOOOO’s.

I give the book 5 stars. Caroline on the other hand gives it 6. Six out of five.

Check it out. I didn’t rig it. If you watch the video from this morning all the way through, you’ll hear her grade the book for yourself.

I am thinking about re-posting her with the CD and book in a few days. I am pretty sure she will be able to sing every single word to the song. The real bonus will be that she will probably also be able to sight read every single word in the book too.

Nicely done John Lithgow. Nicely done. Although I do kind of feel sorry for those other 19 books from the library this week. I don’t think they will get half as much attention.

Whole Foods Journey {vlog}

Here is your simple tip for the day in case you don’t feel like watching the 6 minute vlog.

One simple change years ago helped me to incorporate whole foods into my family’s diet.
Little changes over a long period of time make a big difference.

9-17-13

I have this itch to write and I don’t really want to blog. Yeah for the diary feature! Life is good. It’s really good, but isn’t it funny that it is all in the attitude? Happiness is a choice as so eloquently communicated in one of my favorite books Man’s Search For Meaning by Holocaust Survivor Victor Frankl. Loved that book. The more life I have lived the more I realize that the mind is either a powerful tool for happiness or a mean cruel prison for misery. Right now my mind is doing good and I am really happy. Thank you mind of mine.

I’m listening to this constant play on youtube of JJ Heller. I love JJ. Listening to her always reminds me of the great women’s group I attended at Cokesbury Methodist. Those ladies were my angels at a time in my life when I needed something that my church didn’t have to offer…a 12 step group for Codependency. What a beautiful time that was in my life. Painful but beautiful. Funny the song Your Hands just came on and it said, “that you would take my pain away” and He did. That’s why it was beautiful. “When my heart is breaking I never leave your hands.”

So, the first exciting news is Abigail scored her first goal at a HS soccer game. I was sooooo happy for her. She won the game 1-0. Of course I was home cleaning the kitchen. She always scores when I am not there. I am beginning to think I should miss all her games from now on. NEVER! Last night I got really emotional as I remembered that I had prayed specifically for Abigail to be able to let go of her anxieties and play to her fullest capability. My prayer had been answered. I immediately said another prayer of gratitude.

Funny sidenote about Abigail. We always read all her texts and LG found one really inappropriate one the other day. It had something to do with a boy talking about her nice legs and honey. I’ll just leave it at that. From now on we are going to tease her and call her honeylegs. One really good thing about Abigail is that she has straight A’s so far this school year. She seems to have figured out being organized and getting all her assignments turned in.

Sophia went to her first volleyball practice last Friday and she really loved it. It is one of the best parental privileges to see your kids find their element. I hope she will continue to shine on the court. I want to get her back into art class, but can’t justify the expense right now.

Bella insists that she ONLY wants to play softball from now on. It also makes me smile. She fell in love this Spring. I am so happy that Bella got a teacher that is perfect for her. She loves Mrs. McManus and I feel God really looked out for us this with this placement this year.

We started piano with all the girls. I hope it will stick. One of Abigail’s soccer friends was over a few weeks ago and when her dad came to pick her up he highly encouraged us to teach the girls the basics and promised me that just 5 minutes a day of practice for them would make a really big difference in their lives. I just felt like it was finally time for LG and I to get to work on teaching the kids. We have talked about it for a long time, but never follow through. It is kind of ridiculous that we both play and aren’t passing the talent along. So, we came up with a simple plan. Either LG or I are teaching all 4 girls at the same time on Sundays for a quick 5 minute lesson. They are then expected to practice for 5 minutes during homework time every day. We will hold a recital every Sunday before the next lesson. Whoever masters the song the best gets a prize. The girls were excited about it this last Sunday and I hope we have started a rich tradition that will last. So far, Sophia seems to take the most interest and enjoys playing always taking way longer then 5 mins. Abigail already had a little piano some years back and with her violin and choir it comes to her easy. Bella though has the hardest work ethic so we could have a good three way battle here. The most fun part is seeing 4-year-old Caroline try to fake along.

Caroline has some musical talent. This past Sunday she played some of the right notes, but sang the whole song perfectly as she played. Last year at one of Abigail’s choir concert the music director gave the pitches to the kids on stage and Caroline belted them all out in perfect pitch. It was kind of embarrassing but also totally awesome. We often talk about getting Caroline into dance, acting and singing. She belongs on Broadway.

Today I took Caroline and Shyloh (the neighbor girl I babysit) to the library. They had a fun puppet theatre in the corner and Caroline was LOVING it. Storytelling is her element.

LG and I had a rough week last week as he was withdrawing and kind of down and I get super impatient and frustrated when he is like that. Our Friday marriage counseling session was super productive and it made me happy. We had a really great Sunday night just connecting after the counselor reprimanded us and told us to always pray and then spend at least 30 minutes every night of connecting time. I felt really close to LeGrand as we took the time to just talk and I was so grateful for the progress we’ve been making, especially in communication and emotional intellect.

We went up to Squaw Peak on Friday night. It was fun to just get away and look over the valley trying to figure out which street was which. There were two 20 something kids up there. They were sitting on the wall in front of their bullet bikes drinking beer. One chucked his bottle down the mountain. It upset both LG and I. We had just a few minutes as the only people up there. It was nice.

I had a great experience at church on Sunday with one of my primary kids. I was able to calm him down from his initial state of borderline hysterical. After about 20 minutes of distracting him with my iPad, he was able to participate. During class I took him out in the hall for just a minute and had a heart to heart with him. I told him I loved him and that he could trust me and that he could tell me anything. His parents had told me that he had been acting really upset for a couple of weeks. I asked him a couple of questions and then felt the distinct inspiration that he was just experiencing typical kindergarten anxieties and exhaustion. I asked him if school was making him tired. His emotions surfaces and I was able to give him a pep talk. It was awesome. It made me happy for my calling.

Tonight LG and I were laughing that he is always in the leadership callings. He doesn’t feel like he is a good leader. I told him that the Lord was going to keep calling him as a leader until he believed he was good at it. LG didn’t say it but I know he was probably thinking the same thing I was. Maybe the Lord will give me a leadership calling when I quit thinking I could handle it with ease. LOL I’m so prideful.

We are really happy in this home. We know though that the landlord wants to sell it. We hope something else will open up in our ward or she will wait to sell it until we can afford to buy it.

I had a thought this morning. God was really being very merciful for calling me home when he did. It hasn’t been easy for the last few months but I have really learned a lot and have enjoyed my motherhood more than ever. With Caroline going to kindergarten next year and me not getting pregnant this is kind of my last chance. I think it really took me surrendering to find the joy. He knew that.

Well I have to run and get Caroline in the bath. LG and I are going to try and play tennis for a half an hour when he gets home from YM so I need to have the kids totally ready for bed.

I need new running shoes. My legs were killing me on tonight’s run and that is always the tell-tale that I need to bite the bullet and buy the shoes. Unfortunately they will have to wait til my birthday. I might have to ride my bike solely til I can get my shoes for my birthday. Part of me is happy that I have been running for two whole years but the other part hates using her birthday money on running shoes. This will be the 3rd year in a row that all I get for my birthday is a pair of shoes! At the same time, I’ve never felt better. I am so happy with my running progress. Now the sugar-free is something I need to do better at; I wish I could find the motivation I had the first two weeks again. I really want to lose that 10 more pounds before my 40th birthday. I can’t believe I am going to be 40. I feel so old. I am my mother.

I’m really really really looking forward to going to the Diana Krall concert with LG next week. He loves her and I am so glad I bought the tickets before we went on vacation because there is no way we could afford it now. We will finally get our delayed 16 year anniversary date next week.

Your Kid Needs You To Fill in This Blank

I tell my kids I love them all of the time, but I rarely tell them them what I love about them. Honestly I hadn’t even thought about it until I just read this powerful post. {Trust me, you won’t regret hitting that link and taking the 60 seconds to read it} The post offers one simple suggestion that the author gleaned from another article. {Isn’t it funny how we bloggers just recycle all the good stuff over and over again?} This time the recycled goods is a jackpot of a fill in the blank for parents.

Now normally I wouldn’t welcome fill in the blanks. I swear that the blank state of my mind (not the blank line on the paper) was the real inspiration for the naming of the “fill in the blank”. I can’t tell you how many times in my life I stared down at a question on a test and silently screamed, “C’mon brain, fill in the *^$# blank! I know the answer is in there somewhere.” I guess I have finally arrived. It only took parenting for me to have a cinch of a “fill in the blank”. I can’t go wrong with this one.

Oh, so you didn’t click the link and now you are totally curious? O.k. I’ll tell you, you lazy-linkers, but trust me the other article says it much more articulately. All you have to do is say this to your kids: “I love to watch you _ _ _ .” [Fill in the blank with whatever applies.] See what I mean? It’s a parenting jackpot. You can’t go wrong.

I just went into my photos to find one appropriate for this post and I came up with all kinds of ideas.

“I love to watch you ride a skateboard.”

“I love to watch you blow bubbles.”

“I love to watch you hit your sister.” (O.k. maybe that one isn’t so good, unless you are raising future boxers and then it would be your own personal gem.)

The originally cited article tackled the difference between nightmare and great sports parents. It too is a great read even for the parents with non-athletic kids. Basically it communicates that kids don’t want to be critiqued, they want to be loved and supported. Don’t we all?

I remember one time after I pulled off a significant event at the kids’ school, my husband said to me, “I love watching you in your element.” I still tear up just thinking about him saying that and it was over a year ago. It made me over-joyous that he recognized my actions and affirmed them. With one simple sentence, he perfectly communicated that he was happy to be an integral part of anything I did even if it was just to watch from the sidelines.

Last Saturday while attending my 11-year-old niece’s soccer game I witnessed something really disturbing. A soccer coach belligerently took personal jabs at a 16-year-old referee. He told him he sucked and had no business reffing. He then said, “You have no social skills” among a myriad of other insults.

It’s one thing to tell the ref about a bad call you observed and another thing entirely to verbally abuse a person. Watching this out-of-control coach made me sick to my stomach. After the parents starting joining in too, I hollered from the goal-zone where I was sitting, “Chill out.” A few minutes later as the game ended, the coach walked down my direction and yelled at me to take my “chill out” and shove it. Oh, no he didn’t!! I stood up and called down all the powers of calm from the universe. I walked over to the coach who kept yelling at me to remove myself from his sideline. I calmly said, “I am just a mom here watching a game, I am not here to support either side but the side of the kids. You are being a very bad example to every kid out here. That referee can’t be a day over 16 and I am here to advocate for him.” The parents all started in on me about how bad of a job the ref did, how he is in a role of an adult so he can handle it, la la la. I didn’t even want to be that close to them, they made me sick. I said, “I’m not here to argue. I am just here to be a juvenile advocate”, and then I calmly walked away. On the outside I was a perfect picture of character, on the inside I was shaking like a leaf.

I couldn’t help but think how powerful it would be for every one of those maniacal adults to read the above article about nightmare parents. How sad it was for each of their kids to know that losing a game 6-0 could have the power to turn their parents into insulting and aggressive idiots. After that game not one of them could even tell their kids in honesty that they loved to watch them play because their cruel actions spoke way louder than their words.

Now, I am not here to peg me (the perfect parent) against them the non-perfect parents. We all have dark and light and my dark moment was just three weeks earlier when I railed into my fourteen-year-old after her soccer game for not playing to the best of her ability. As she walked with her dad to his car (to avoid me) after my good licking on the sideline, I felt like crap. I immediately called her and apologized but the damage had been done. We talked later with her and our other girls and they all told me they didn’t need my opinion about everything. I over-critique and they complained that I even over-compliment. The nerve! Ouch. They didn’t know exactly how to tell me, but what they really were saying is this: “Mom, all we want to hear is that you love to watch us play.” Thank you parenting article for making my duty clear and for giving me the right words. All I have to do is fill in one blank for the rest of my life. I can’t wait.

Counting Blessings In Awe

My list of blessings is so long that I need to purge it here to start all over again. This post is happening a lot sooner than my last one, I hope you don’t mind. I am always astounded with the happy affect on my heart when working at gratitude, but in the past couple of weeks I have been completely in awe at the goodness of people and the goodness of God. I don’t think it is coincidental that many of our needs have been met when only we knew what they were.

Well, at first others knew our needs because I had posted about them. Several friends responded to my last counting. I had an old friend from high school contact me via Facebook and offer up an old nonworking iPhone for us to use as screen replacements. She mailed it from California and insisted I didn’t reimburse her. I am still waiting on the hubby to do the phone surgery but Misty’s generosity melted my heart.

Another old friend who is a pharmacist, after reading my last post, contacted me via Facebook to offer up advice on getting affordable prescriptions.

I had a super special experience with my sister-in-law the day that I posted last. She showed up on my doorstep with her arms full of produce from her garden and a few bags of food and non-food items that she had gotten cheap/free with coupons. I felt kind of bad thinking she was just responding to my desperation from the blog but she hadn’t even read it (or so she says).

I did a good job of not completely bawling, but I couldn’t hold back all the tears. It’s just so humbling to let other people support me. The only thing that makes it bearable for me is knowing that I am doing what God wants and they are just his little angels on earth.

Jill and Logan have been truly inspired in their generosity. In that first bag were things we really needed: deodorant, tissues, foods for the kids lunches, etc. On Saturday they took our kids for an adventure and even let them pick something out for themselves at the store. What a big deal for kids who are being forced to live so frugally. This mom can’t contain her emotions. I have to force myself not to think about it or I will just sit in cry in gratitude all day.

A friend from church offered up a bag-full of Hot Pockets that her kids wouldn’t eat. They have been a great reprieve from the foods I have been forced to cook from scratch and a huge treat for our kids.

The 5th was payday but because of the Labor Day holiday and an absentminded payroll employee LG didn’t get paid until the 6th. I had been anxiously anticipating the paycheck on the 5th to fill our empty refrigerator. A huge blessing came through: the check to pay me for the job I took babysitting came in the mail on the 5th. I texted a picture of it to LeGrand and said, “Dinner just arrived.” I think even LG had a moment of emotion with that coincidence. He hates seeing me sacrifice and stress over what to feed our family.

LG’s work had a great summer party where our whole family got to go and swim at a local pool for free. Dinner was also free and delicious. We had so much fun swimming after sunset in the dimly lit resort-style pool. For a little bit it was just our little family in the HUGE pool. It’s a memory I will never forget.

Our marriage counselor challenged LG and I to have three sessions of 30 minute activity a week TOGETHER. It is a tough challenge with our busy schedules but by doing it LG and I have had more stress relief and I have found a new respect for my man. He is an amazing coach. I loved him teaching me how to free-throw. The day he took off ahead of me on the bike trail was also a surprising turn-on. I also really enjoyed playing tennis with him a few days ago.

I got two messages from friends on Facebook that were super sweet and touching. One was from a cousin citing how impressed she was with my running time. It made my day. The other was from an old friend just to tell me that he really enjoyed seeing the photos from our Wills family reunion. The moment he took to write and send his simple message reminded me of some great memories this friend shared with our family. They brought a smile to my face. Sometimes the most simple actions mean so much.

A friend shared with me a way that I could make some money from home. It hasn’t panned out, but the fact that she believes in my writing was an honor I will never forget.

My neighbor brought over some clothes her daughter had outgrown. They were perfect for Caroline this Fall.

Another neighbor (the same who gave me all the pears last time) singled me out at church and told me to come and get all the peaches I wanted from her trees. I canned them all up on Saturday and have 30 quarts to get us through the winter. I wish I would have picked more but I guess I shouldn’t hog all the blessings for myself.

A dear friend of both LG and I (he was LG’s mission companion and my district leader on our LDS missions) published his most awesome book. I really loved The Crown and the Dragon. It’s only $5 on the kindle and I highly recommend it. I would have loved it without knowing the author, but I have to admit that having my name in the acknowledgements makes the book that much cooler for me. The blessing isn’t in the book, but it was in the fact that this friend came to peddle it at the SLC ComicCon. Our friend got us in for free and it was such a great get-away for LG and I. Thanks John!!!

Another neighbor gave me a whole bag of homegrown tomatoes.

This past Saturday our across the street neighbors showed up on our doorstep with a whole plate of leftover pizza. It was the really good kind with super thick crusts. They had no way of knowing that on Friday I had spent my last $30 on a few necessities. I was staring down a overwhelming weekend of cooking without a lot of my normal ingredients. In a situation like that a plate of pizza seems too good to be true. I will be smiling about that pizza until payday on Friday.

Last but not least, my brother took our three older girls with him to see his son’s soccer game on Saturday. On his way home unbeknownst to us they stopped for lunch. Our kids came home so happy. One of them said, “Man, that place was so good. We haven’t been out to eat in a month.”

LG and I were talking last night about how it has been six months since he was called as the YM President in our ward. When the Bishop extended the call to LG I had just quit my job with the plan to move to a cheaper apartment to make up the difference in our budget. We felt strongly that God really wanted this calling for LG and took a huge leap of faith and stayed in our current home so that LG could serve praying that God would work it out. Six months later we are in awe that God hasn’t just worked it out but has blessed us abundantly for our faith.

Living this experiment of relying on God and doing what he tells me even though I have no idea how it will work out makes me wish that everyone else could do it too. Going without more has made me happy for every little thing I receive. Everything is so magnified and blessings aren’t just blessings but manna from heaven. Is there anything better than manna from heaven? I can’t think of anything especially if it comes in the form of peaches, produce, and Pizza Hut.