FunnyBlog

I need a mom.

I am sure you have all noticed my lack of posts this week
because I know you all come here every day with super high hopes
because I am the world’s most amazing blogger.

O.k. o.k. I’m not, I know.
I may not be the world’s best blogger
and I am most certainly not the world’s best mom,
but guess what I am all they’ve got.
They’ll get over it eventually,
after some good therapy
that I will hold off on as long as possible
so they have to pay for it themselves.
I mean really
if the choice is between therapy
and cold cereal,
I am pretty sure the shredded mini wheats
or the more appreciated at the moment.

What am I good for anyway?
I’ll tell you what.

I always throw away the empty bottles in the shower.
I always make sure that everyone is fed.
I always make sure everyone has clean clothes.
I am always the first one to hand over the trashcan when someone is sick.
I buy all the food.
I buy all the toiletries.
O.k LG buys it, but I purchase it,
and you all know that it’s not the easiest task
to keep household items in stock.

We never (I mean NEVER) run out of toilet paper.
(O.k. we do all the time in our bathroom where
at least a roll a day escapes through the floor vent
and can never seem to replace itself. This always seems to happen
when I am done with my after-run #2. I always get a little mournful when I notice that once again I am up sheeshcreek – and my husband has absolutely nothing to do with the disappearing TP or the empty dispenser and it really isn’t his fault that he’s at work when I am the most in need. I love bargaining with a three year old ever so carefully to bring me a roll of the most necessary item in the hygienist’s closet that is missing from MY bathroom!)
But it is never missing from the house all together,
and that is totally because I am awesome.

Caroline came home from pre-school today highly disappointed. She has been talking about kangaroo zoo for a month and they finally got to go today but after playing on the blow-up bouncy toys for the hour with her class, she turned to her teacher, and said, “This isn’t a kangaroo zoo. There aren’t any kangaroos.” She was so totally bummed.

I brought her home and gave her cheetos and an orange and then bought her some bubble gum.

I got dinner ready, cleaned the house, showered off my running filfth, and even had two minutes to spare to write this post before running off to work for the fourth night in a row. When I come home tonight too tired to even check my facebook, I will realize for the hundreth time

that I need my own mom.
Every mom needs a mom.
It’s too bad mine lives in kangaroo zoo.

Hide Yo Girls
The other day Abigail was hanging out in her cami.
She kept trying to push it.
A few weeks ago, 
I told the girls they could wear their camis to bed
for comfort if they wanted.
LeGrand had enough and laid down the law.
“No more camis!
Before I know it,
you’re going to be
wearing them outside too.”
He told Abigail to go to her room and put on a shirt, “Now.” She wasn’t moving. He said, “You better get to it, or I am going to start stripping down right now, one piece of clothing at a time.” I was cracking up. I told her to call dad on his bluff. There was no way he was going buck naked.
He got both his shirt off and his undershirt,
and took his belt off.
When he started unzipping his pants,
she ran off screaming
in horror.
I laughed and laughed and laughed.
LG put his shirts back on.
He was feeling all exposed,
especially since Abigail made fun of his bare body.
Or should I say bear body?

We don’t believe in letting our daughters as hoochie mamas.
We want to keep them sweet and innocent for as long as possible: their whole lives preferably.

I was raised the same way. I am not going to lie. I hated it. As a teenager, I fought my parents on it daily. One time my mom tore a dress that I was wearing in two (right in front of my boyfriend) because she was sick of tired of me wearing things that were too short. (I hope my sister has forgiven me by now, it was her dress) I bought my own bikinis and wore them when my mom wasn’t looking. I washed them myself and hid them away in the back of my drawers. I wanted to be like all the other girls. My brothers seemed pretty keen on making sure my sister and I dress modestly too, which we didn’t understand because they were perfectly fine dating the girls who didn’t really cover up. I now understand they were being protective.

And you know what? WE ABSOLUTELY SHOULD BE PROTECTIVE.

Some people may think that our modesty policy is a little absurd, but do you know what? I don’t care.

While most of my girlfriends were having sex in high school and some ended up pregnant, I proudly stayed a virgin until I was married. I am glad that I did. I never regret that decision. Not a day in my life have I felt like I made the wrong choice. I want for my girls to be chaste and make the same choice to remain abstinent until they are married. And yes, dressing modestly has a direct correlation.

I love my sweet sweet girls.
I love that they are pretty good about dressing modestly.
They seem to get the principle that modesty provides protection.

I want them to love themselves for who they are
amazing daughters of God.
They truly can 
change the world
just by being 
a source of light.

Fellowship
I just put this little diddy
together
as I am going
visiting teaching
today.
I made it in Microsoft Word
but couldn’t get it
the same in Paint,
but I guess
it’s close enough
for you to the get the picture.
I am now off on my run
and I will be pondering
this month’s
visiting teaching message
about
The quote above
by
Elder Ballard
is the part
I liked the most.
Fellow-shipping
is tricky
when you live in
the state of Utah
and I am ashamed to
say that I have
kind of given up
on making friends.
I am going to try harder.
I also loved the quote by
President Hinckley
 “we must make an increasingly substantial effort to assist them as they find their way. Every one of them needs three things: a friend, a responsibility, and nurturing with ‘the good word of God’.

Back in the days
when I was the
President
of the
Relief Society
this was the theme
of our work.
We wanted
all the sisters in our ward
to have
1- a friend,
2- a responsibility,
and
3 – nourishment with the
good word of God.
I miss the days
when I got to serve
alongside
other women in
the Relief Society.
Those are some
of my most
cherished
friendships
and I find
that I don’t make
as many friends
when I am stuck
in a church calling that
is fully autonomous.

Braxton Richard Lane Wills
Today is an emotional day for me.
My nephew Braxton,
who passed away in May,
would have been 13 today.
The loss a whole family feels
is so profound
and lingering.
We miss this little guy
so much.
He was so full of life.
He is known for being
sensitive and caring
kind and loving
and
all boy.
He has
a great
sense of humor.

I have seen several

miracles
since his passing
but one that sticks with me
the most
is the day
that Braxton found me on
my running trail.
He just ran right along with me
until I stopped
at the top of a hill.
His presence was
so profound,
I had to stop to see if
I could see him with my own eyes.
I talked to him
and told him how much
I love him.
When I started to cry
and tell him how sad I
was that he was gone,
he immediately ran off the other way.
He turned back with a smile
as if to say
“Don’t be sad,
I’m happy,
I’m busy,
in fact I have to run right now.
I’ve stolen away enough time
to find you today.
I just wanted to tell you
to be happy
because I love you too.”

I am giving myself permission 
to sit around today
and cry
because sometimes
tears are the best way to heal.
I thank my beautiful niece Dani
(Braxton’s oldest sister)
and her band
Roatrip Romance
for writing and recording
this beautiful song
called 
“Wait on you”
It’s balm to my soul today.
 I guess heaven
couldn’t wait on
Braxton.
And I guess I better
quit crying
and get out on the
running trail
like I would normally
to show Braxton
that I am honoring his wishes
to not be sad
and to
live my life to the fullest.
I know he wants
me to
appreciate life
for all that it is.
Another thing
he told me
on the running trail is
how blessed I am
to have this mortality.
I love you Braxton.
Thanks for
teaching me so much.

Here is a great talk
by a living apostle
about
finding
joy in life.
Braxton would
approve of the message.
In fact,
it’s the same message
he delivered
to me
in about
300 less words.

Romance for Poor People
LBJ and LadyBird courted over 90 love letters
and we can read them online here.
I know what I will be doing all afternoon:
reading real romance for free.
The love letters are
living proof
that you can have romance
at the price of a few stamps.

LG and I have an honorary membership in
America’s newest poor class.

The middle class is taking some serious hits.
Add in four kids to the mix,
and it was time for a frugal
Valentine’s Day.
LG and I started a new Valentine’s tradition.
We each got $10 to spend on each other
at our favorite local Dollar Tree.
I made up a package called “Dreams come true” for LG.
I used some of his favorite things
and added in some dream hearts explaining.
– He loves lemon juice in his water. 
   (I wish I could make all your lemons into lemonade)
– A toy stuff basketball 
  (I wish I was always your soft place to land)
– Toy airplanes
   (I wish I could take you on a getaway)
– His favorite gel pens 
  (I wish I could do all your work for you)
– Sugar-free candy for the diabetic 
  (I wish you could eat as much sugar as you wanted)
– A McDonald’s giftcard for the man 
  who loves breakfast 
  and is married to a lazy breakfast chef.
  (I wish I could hire you a breakfast fairy)
LG wasn’t quite as cutesy, of course,
but it was still so fun to see what he picked out.
He knows me well.
And isn’t that what Valentine’s is about?
thinking of each other
and showing that you know one another
better than anyone else.
I feel loved
just knowing
that LG knows me.

I’m a huge believer that gifts don’t have to cost a lot of money.

My dad talked at my Grandma Dorothy’s funeral
about how she would always pick up little things
here and there and the five and dime to show
that she loved you.
One of his favorite gifts:
a portable toothpick holder.
That is one of the things he remembered
most at her funeral.

I love Valentine’s Day. It may be my favorite.
I also love the love language of gift-giving.
I look forward to all of our future
Dollar Tree romances.

And for the record,
last night we got a tray of
chicken nuggets from
Chik-fil-a
wrote off all the evening
activities
and sat home as a family
and watched
Pirates of the Caribbean.
It was pure bliss.

Utah style Sugar Cookies
Here is my Valentine’s gift
to the rest of you
that I don’t sleep with.
I wish I could send you a warm cookie
through my Ethernet cable,
but since we haven’t figured that one out yet,
I’ll give you my recipe.

I call these 
Loralee’s Sugar Cookies
(I got the recipe from my boss
twenty years ago
Her name was Loralee.
Go figure.)
This recipe makes about 60 medium size cookies
so be sure you have some plates ready to share
with neighbors
or make them on the day you are running a marathon.
1 1/3 cup shortening
1 1/2 cup sugar
4 eggs
1/2 cup milk
2 tsp vanilla
5 cups flour
3/4 tsp salt
6 tsp. baking powder
Cream together the shortening and sugar.
Add eggs, milk, and vanilla.
Sift in the flour, salt, and baking powder at the same time
Mix.
The real trick with these is to let them be a little sticky.
Don’t think you need to add more flour.
Refrigerate the dough for about an hour.
Then the next trick is to roll them out thin.
No more than 1/4″ thick,
like pie dough.
They will puff up a bit
in the oven.
Bake at 350 degrees
on the middle rack.
for 8-10 minutes.
In my current oven 9 minutes 
was the magic number.
Let cool.
Frost with 
Buttercream Frosting

2 sticks (1 cup) unsalted butter – partially melted
4 – 5 cups powdered sugar
2.5 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
2-3 Tablespoons of milk or cream
(for you cheapos out there
like my mom,
you have to buy the real vanilla
and the real butter
it makes all the difference
I get mine at Costco)

Enjoy.

Book Review: Cold Sassy Tree

Cold Sassy TreeCold Sassy Tree by Olive Ann Burns
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Finding a book good enough to go into my most favorite of all time folder seems to get more and more rare the older I get, but this book made the cut. I absolutely loved it. I wish I still had a bookclub so I could discuss it with girlfriends. It was so emotionally powerful.

Will Tweedy is just a teenage kid living in Cold Sassy in the 1920’s. Yes, he’s fictional, but he is real to me, and will be to anyone else who reads this book. Written by Olive Ann Burns it’s more than amazing how she pulled off writing from the perspective of a Southern teenage boy. She nailed it. Not that I’m a teenage boy to know, but I feel like I could be now because Will shared so eloquently and honestly his feelings about everything.

And everything was the content of this book. From teenage fantasies, to soul-searching theology, suicide, farming, all the way out to a housewife’s cleaning regiment, and funny funny practical jokes and stories, Cold Sassy Tree touched on so many entertaining and thought-provoking subjects.

The author explored the hypocrisy of Christianity and brought to the light what it means to have a personal relationship with Christ. Will Tweedy’s grandfather, Rucker Blakeslee, although non-religious and somewhat sacrilegious, was a man with sound character and a love for others and he became a real hero to me in my reading of this book. Funny that the books basis is the fact that Rucker married a Yankee hussy three weeks after the death of his widow: what an unlikely hero. But, a hero he is. And Will Tweedy told his story just right, especially by using all that southern tuh-wang in the writing.

Go back to this post for a reading of the book if you don’t mind a spoiler.

2CUL Craft
Somehow I always get stuck
with doing the crafts for
the kids’ school parties.
All the other moms are
too afraid.
So here is what we are
doing for Valentines
this year.
And this crafty-challenged
lady
has made a tutorial
for you and yours
with all my V-day love.
1 – Use graph paper
to make block letter
2- Cut out

3 – Apply glue on graph side.

3- Stick onto sandpaper
from right to left.
Remember it will iron on
like a mirror image.
(That’s why you glue on the right side)

4 – Outline well with crayon.

5 – Color in rest of sandpaper.
(I plan to actually have hearts
but this was the scrap I used
today for the prototype)

6 – Heat up iron to cotton/dry setting.

7 – Cut out a square of an old white sheet.
(600 threadcount egyptian cotton
 is optional but soooo soft)
I happened to have a perfectly great
topsheet leftover
from our tragic “ruined by talon toes”
sheet set
shown here on instagram.
7 – Sew up the 2 cut sides.
I will use the already folded over side
for the yarn-tie.
(Use a sewing machine if you want)

8 – This is what I did to make it go faster
(I hear you screaming you seamstress people)
I actually may just use fabric glue at school.

9 – Safety pin your yarn.
10 – Lead it through the fold.

11 – Tie big knots on each end.
(So they won’t ravel or go back into fold)

12 – Place sandpaper on finished bag
that I turned inside out from stitching.
(Hopefully you guys are smart enough 
to understand that part)

13 – Turn sandpaper crayon side
 onto the fabric.
Cover with parchment paper or a tea towel.
14 – Iron (moving iron in circles)
for about 30 seconds.

Wa-la
Inspiration for this craft
came from alphamom.
Like I said above,
I plan to make them actual hearts
and either pre-make the bags
or have the kids glue them
(because of school time limits)
or do t-shirts
or just make the
sandpaper cut-outs
and send
iron on instructions home with kids.
Happy V-day
crafting all you cupid moms
who like me
 are suckers for love.
Feel free to leave
all your suggestions for betterment
below in the comments.
I have til Thursday to fine-tune.
Or just tell me how cool I am
because moms need
to love other moms.
And you’re so welcome.
I couldn’t find a single
thing good enough
on my beloved forthekids 
pinterest board
so I had to tweak.
I’m thrilled
with  my mom 
abilities
today.
As you should be too.