FunnyBlog

My love affair with THE Wal-Mart

How anyone living in the 21st century can avoid shopping at Wal-Mart is beyond me?

If you have found the secret, do tell.
Recently I have reconnected with the site
Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness.
There are some crazies out there.
It’s really sad to think I am one of them.
I just entered my self-check out story in their contest.
I can’t remember the offered prize,
but what do you want to bet
that it’s going to require more of my life
given to my local Wal-Mart?
Shoot, now I hope I lose.
Unless of course,
I won’t have to actually spend
my own money at the place.
Tristi had a hilarious tweet the other night.
It said, “I got an e-mail from Wal-Mart, they miss me,
uh, I was just there an hour ago.”
Truth is always the best humor.
I was shocked at myself today when 
I not only respected but admired some people 
over at Wal-Mart:

Please tell me all my shopping hasn’t tainted

the little bit of sanity I have left.
Whose with me?
Is this not the smartest way a man could wait for his wife
while she is shopping?
You know how I always get distracted
in those clearance sections.
I mean he could probably
sneak in a whole basketball game
when it’s back to school season.
The only thing that I would suggest
as improvement
are a few extra camping chairs
kiddie size.
If you get my drift.
Then mommy could really get her shopping on.
A set up like this would have really come in handy
Wow.
I really am confessing
all my love for Wal-Mart today
aren’t I?
I think next month my game
is going to be
who can tell the best Wal-Mart story?
I think my mother in law has one
about someone passing gas.
Go ahead, feel free to give us a teaser.

Oh yeah, and don’t forget this month’s contest.
I’ve only got six funny jokes to choose from so far.
You don’t want to disappoint my kids, do you?
Your chances of winning a $20 giftcard of your choice
are looking real good.
Who wants one to Wal-Mart?

I’ll Fly Away When I Die

This is a note for funeral planning some day.

I don’t plan to die any time soon,
but like the control freak that I am,
I want to make my wishes known
before it is too late.
Please have someone with a banjo
sing this song.
And have someone else read this verse:
Enos1: 27And I soon go to the place of my arest, which is with my Redeemer; for I know that in him I shall brest. And I rejoice in the day when my cmortal shall put on dimmortality, and shall stand before him; then shall I see his face with pleasure, and he will say unto me: Come unto me, ye blessed, there is a place prepared for you in the emansions of my Father. Amen.
And just for your further assistance.
My favorite hymns are:
If you want to forgo all the amazing accolades
that so many will have prepared
and sing the whole service,
I would love it.
Well, maybe just one speaker.
Whoever would make me
out for the funny, quirky, crazy, loving, and amazing
Saint that I am.
And I like to imagine my spirit
sticking around,
just to hear the compliments
and the truths of who
people knew me to be.
And then I will gladly
walk towards
my Savior
in all His glory
while
the voices of my loved ones
sing His praises.
Only to meet my other loved ones
on the other side
singing the same hymns.
What a lovely way to go.

Baby, You’re A Firebolt

If you love Harry Potter and funny videos.
This is a must see by BYU divine comedy.


It’s not quite as good as Harry and the Deathly Hollows Part II,
but it may give you just as many laughs.
Last night LG and I went to 
Gracious Rain’s Premiere Party.
I was the evil witch and
he was the boring guy 
who didn’t want to dress up.
“Baby, you’re still a firebolt,”
for indulging my lunacy last night.
As I finished getting dressed,
Caroline would have nothing to do with me
and LG turned to Sophia
and said,
“Oh man, 
I am going to be so embarrassed.”
Love you too babe.
Later he tried to make up for it
by tweeting that I was the hottest witch in the room,
but it didn’t quite do it for me.
Because I literally was the hottest witch in the room.
I was wearing 4 layers.

Now for my review.
I know you’ve all been busting at the seems for it.

(If you’ve been living in a Hogwarts History book
and don’t know who is going to die in the movie,
you may want to read this
after your viewing)

First of all,
when Fred dies,
a piece of this funny girl died too.

Oh, you didn’t know that Fred died.
So sorry.
You have no right to watch the movies
if you haven’t read the book.
A part of this girl died
when Fred died in the book,
and when he died in the movie,
I just had a short revisit
to the moment I read about
this terrible misfortune
years ago
and sat up and cried all night.

Then when they show Remus and Tonks dead,
all I could think to myself was
shouldn’t Tonks hair be a brighter color
so that all the fools that didn’t read the books
would know that was her?

Then when Harry died,
I was like
“Is he really dead?”
No I wasn’t
because I read the book
and
I knew he wasn’t really dead,
but I still cried.

And then when Harry finally
defeated that horrible Voldermort
why was I the only one in the theatre
who cheered?
Why?
Why?
My husband even shooshed me.
C’mon people.
Ding Dong the dude is dead.

I didn’t cry when Voldemort died.
In the book or the movie.
Good riddance.
The only regret I had
was that the poor monster
never knew love.
But, isn’t that what JK Rowling
was trying to tell us all along?

Then
19 years later:
life went on,
in a profound way:
Harry had
a fatherly chat
with his nervous son,
Albus Severus Potter.
(The name was a trend on twitter
all night long)
“Son, the sorting hat,
takes your vote into account.”
Harry should know all about that.

At this point,
I had an epiphany:
love is life.
life is love.
Why not love life?
Even if it’s just the ordinary?

Or even if it’s magical
and fictional
it’s still worthy of our deep devotion,
isn’t it?

I think they made Ginny a little pudgier
which made me happy
because she’s a mom
and she’s still beautiful
with a few extra pounds.
And I am sorry to the actress who played Ginny
if they didn’t really make you
look chubbier
but I just thought that they did.
Ron was chubbier too.
It’s in the Weasley genes.
Apparently,
the Potter and Granger genes
are skinny to the end.

You know,
I dressed up like Bellatrix
to show outwardly
the love I have inwardly
for the magic we call Potter.

And people may have disagreed
with my choice of the dark side,
but without the dark side,
there would have been
no story in the first place.
Another good
and true
life lesson.

Favorite parts of the movie:
(Here are the spoilers
in no particular order)

Getting out of Gringots on the dragon.
Ron and Hermione kiss. (finally)
Ginny saying “I know” to Harry.
Professor McGonagall saying
“I always wanted to use that spell.”
Dumbledore talking about
not pitying the dead.
Harry viewing Snape’s memories
and finally understanding Snape’s actions.
Snape saying
“You have your mother’s eyes.”
Harry when he comes back to life
and jumps out of Hagrid’s arms.
Neville.
Everything about Neville.
From when he brings Harry into the castle,
to slaying Nagini,
and sitting by Luna awkwardly at the end.
Mrs. Weasley hollaring at Bellatrix and defeating her.
When Hermione calls Ron brilliant
and kind of shakes her head in surprise.
Professor McGonagall giving
the boys permission to blow up the bridge
and them being uncertain about whether or not
she is serious.
Harry conversing with his momma.

And, just thinking about all this stuff
is making me cry again.
All I can do is
scream out:
FFFFRRRRRREEEEEEEEDD
Why did she have to kill Fred?

What was your favorite part of the movie
or the book?

And please spare me your
whining about what was different
between the two
because I really don’t pay that much attention.

Edward Diggory and the House of Fashion.

Pinterest is pretty cool.
My boards are still under construction
but there are plenty more to enjoy.
Pinterest is where you find funny things like this:

Harry Potter kicks Edward’s trash any given day.
I am so sad that there won’t be any more movies.
Oh, and don’t try to call me this morning
to hear my review,
I will be sleeping until noon.
Thanks to Launi
for the awesome
premier party with tons of cool give aways.
Pictures to follow.
(I totally scheduled this post way ahead of time,
so I am keeping my fingers crossed that
nothing catastrophic happens
that will keep me from
enjoying the party)

Biking As A Family

We have been doing a lot of biking in the past few months.
Can I tell you again how much I love
Utah’s sidewalks?

I have am so blessed
with a great family
and 5 bikes and a trailer.
The other day,
after a particularly long ride,
Bella said the funniest thing to me
right before we arrived back home:
“Mom, when we get home,
I am never going to be able to get
my underwear off.”

She must have somehow managed the task
on her own
because she never asked for any help.
See, I told you I was so blessed.

Two Nerds on a Tandem

Two nerds are riding along on a tandem, when suddenly, the one on the front slams on the brakes, gets off and starts letting air out of the tires.
The one on the back says: “HEY! What are you doing that for!?”
The first nerd says, “My seat was too high and was hurting my butt. I wanted to lower it a bit.”
So the one in the back has had enought. He jumps off, loosens his own seat and spins it round to face the other direction.
Now it’s the first guy’s turn to wonder what’s going on. “What are you doing?” he asks his friend.
“Look mate,” says the rider in the back, “if you’re going to do stupid stuff like that, I’m going home!!”

The Toddling Tornado

This is what happens when mom blogs too long.

And this empty bucket can only mean one thing.

Nerf bullets everywhere.

Oh, and don’t forget to dump out the blocks.
If you are going to do the job,
do it right.
But isn’t she cute?
Someday I am going to miss having
my toddling tornado.
But not today.
We spent plenty of time together
while cleaning up all the messes.

This One’s For the Boys (and Men)

The other day we were getting lunch ready
and I told Sophia to go ahead
and cut herself some cheese
from the big block of Cheddar.

(You already know where I am going with this, don’t you?)

Sophia is trying with all her strength.
She declares,
“I can’t cut the cheese.”

I respond with a chuckle,
“You can’t cut the cheese?”

Originally Sophia doesn’t get my joke.
“No. Mom, it’s too hard.”

Me: “It’s too hard to cut cheese?
We better tell dad about this.”

The mention of her dad
is a dead boy joke giveaway.

“MMoooommm. Gross.”

I wish she couldn’t cut the cheese.
I really do.
I wish even more
that her dad couldn’t cut the cheese either.

Here is some more fun boy type entertainment.
This top video is the bomb.
LG wants to recreate it using nerf guns.
Right after he makes a hilarious video about cutting cheese.

The Magic We Call Harry Potter

Recently, when pressed on the issue,
I decided that
magic
is my favorite word.

Magic.
It describes how I feel about the love I share with my husband.
It perfectly defines anything that is too cool to be described.
It is the noun that says how I feel about my kids.
Magic.
Is it one of those cool words
that is not only a noun,
but a verb too!

I magic’d on over to her house in two seconds flat.
While playing basketball, he magic’d around the other player, all the way to the hoop

Months ago, two of my magical children
decided that JK Rowling
missed a few vital spells
when she wrote her masterpiece Harry Potter.
How she missed these in all seven books of her series I do not know.
But without further delay,
it is time for all the spells to be known.

And because I am so looking forward
to my upcoming Harry Potter extravaganza
I find it a perfect time to share:

Freeze a Thing
Polka Dot A Kus
Dogga Loc Us
Go Away Kus
Go To Sleep Us
Throw Up Ist
Zip Lips (You know with this mom, they need this one every day)
Water Cause
Fire Cause

Doggalocus is my favorite.
Here is one of my kids’ favorite YouTube videos of all time:

Just now, while watching the video
Me to Abigail:
Why do you think Dumbledore is naked?
Abigail: (laughing)
I don’t know, because he is gay.

Yes, we are all about the magic around here.
We know every bit of Harry Potter trivia known to mankind.
And, we even make up our own.

Comebackacus.
Readalottamore.
Lovethisbloga.

What’s your best attempt at a vital spell?
I was thinking
laundrydonanow.

Oh, and I need your opinion?
Should LG and I dress up like

Arthur and Molly Weasley?

or
Vernon and Petunia Dursley?

Or maybe
LG could be Vernon
and I could Molly.
Oh the scandal, we would be at the party.

Just The Way You Are

If no one has told you lately,
please let me
say that
you’re amazing
just the way you are.

And even more cool than
me thinking that you are amazing
is the fact
that your
Father in Heaven
thinks you are even more amazing
than I do.
And He thinks that
you’re amazing
just the way you are.
In fact, he created you,
just as you are.

No matter what you’ve done wrong,
or what burdens you carry,
or what weaknesses you have,
you are amazing.

Just the way you are.

I cannot watch this video without crying.
It’s simple truth.

Some people may look at you and just see disabilities,
but they don’t get it.
Life is about seeing people’s abilities.
Because when we can look past people’s struggles,
we will see that
everyone is amazing
just the way they are.

Gardens and Guns, Such a Perfect Combination

Happy Saturday to all my friends, but especially those of you in the South.
I sure do miss you all.
Here is a gem that a friend in Nashville caught on camera at her local Publix.
She is about to move back to California and had to document such a random magazine.

I think it’s not totally coincidental.

How did they know that while growing up in Tennessee, one of my husband’s favorite pasttimes was shooting crows that were in the garden?

And they made a whole magazine about it.
And there have been multiple issues.
Only in the South.

Hope you all get some weeding done today.
And then pull out your guns for some real fun.

Oh man, I miss my home in the South.
Except for the bugs, and the humidity, and the lack of sidewalks.