Funny

Have It Your Way

Thanks to an old friend, Jen Guthrie, for a really funny piece of entertainment.

I was really happy to find Jen’s new blog.

I haven’t talked to her in years. And her and Paul are crazy funny.

I know that I am going to be in trouble for dissing on the South again, but I have to tell you something that I noticed on our vacation out west.

The customer service in Utah was just so much better than what we get here.

Do you think it’s because Mormons aim to please?

Or maybe because today’s kids just don’t really care?

Next time I am going to keep my order simple and see if I can get some service with a smile.

I’m Hot

The other day LG and I went to the park with some of the girls from church. We had a blast fishing with Abigail and her friends and their dads.

I wore my new crazy hat. I am a hat person. I love hats and this one caught my eye back at Cracker Barrel a while back. I know, I know, it’s a little much but I love it. You can wad it all up and throw it in your purse. LG isn’t much of a fan, but he knows to deal with my crazy fashion sense. I am sure that he secretly hopes that I will grow out of my love for the hat before there is a reason for me to wear it somewhere embarrassing: which is pretty much nowhere. LG never cares what people think about him or his crazy “so far from trophy wife it’s pathetic”.

Anyhow, we were walking down to the pond and we walked past a group of men that are a certain ethnicity. This ethnicity always seems to be attracted to me for as long as I can remember.
As we got passed them, I turned to LG and said, “See, did you see that? They were totally checking out your wife!”
LG chuckled and replied in all seriousness, “Alice, I know you’re hot and all, but I don’t think they were checking you out.” I got all defensive and said, “They most certainly were.”
LG quietly reminded me, “It’s the hat” and left it at that. Um, what could I say to that? No matter how badly I wanted to think I was hot, I knew he was right.
But, don’t feel bad. Stop crying for this fat mid 30’s woman who doesn’t get checked out by strangers anymore. It turned out o.k. because just a few days later we were driving down the interstate. I was in the driver seat and LG in the passenger side. A truck full of construction workers passed me on my left.
The cute muscular tattooed worker in the passenger seat winked at me. Yes, he winked at me. The 16 year old girl inside of me got all excited for sec. and then dragged myself back to my reality that I shouldn’t care if this guy winked at me. Me to self: “Alice you are married and almost 35, and you don’t need to be excited about some obviously drunk construction worker!”
After gathering my composure from the combined feelings of shock and anxiety that he had the gall to do that when my big tough husband sat right by my side, I turned to LG, “Did you see that? He totally just winked at me!” LG said totally unabashed, “Yeah and he waved at you too.” He really had waved too right after he got too far to see me in his rearview mirror, but I barely noticed because I was still talking to myself. It didn’t seem to even bother my man, and half of me was upset because I wanted LG’s testosterone to take the guy out. I didn’t say anything because the other half of me was just happy that he couldn’t say it was only because of the hat.

how I feel about my vote this year

THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY BOTH PARTIES! NOT ONLY THAT, it is POLITICALLY CORRECT!!…….and so timely!

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it Seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the senator.

“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the senator.

“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.” And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf Course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the Expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises …

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
“Now it’s time to visit heaven.”

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, Before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I Mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above…

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. “I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil looks at him, smiles and says…….

“Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.”

We’re all going buggy!

And, I was very happy to find out that I am not the only one who had to pull over because of an insect.

So, a man walks into a bar

and other funny versions were found at say no to crack.

Backwards could be fun.

We have been getting a lot of practice in the baby department this summer. We love Brayden and Adriana. And look at how good my summer job has been for my girls. Abigail has learned to multi-task at the ripe old age of 9.

I found my most recent photo of infancy to go along with the following scenario.

Thanks to Sheila for the e-mail forward.
I would link her but she went all private on you guys.

I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work,
you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you’re too young to work.
You get ready for High School: where you make all your major mistakes, but you don’t have to change because you will soon be under the age of accountability.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play,
and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then…
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in
Spa-like conditions – central heating, room service on tap,
and then…
You finish off as an organism. (yeah that really didn’t say organism, that is just what I read the first time and LG made me change this for my easily offended readers)

Where are yours?

Tonsils

A young boy of four was going into hospital to have his tonsils removed. He told his playmate I’ll be gone for awhile I have to have surgery.

On the day he was admitted his mother asked if the doctor would please circumcise the boy, since he’s already going to be under anesthesia.

The boy woke up and was very sore “down there” there for several days.About a week later he got to see his playmate again. The playmate informed him that he, too, was also going to have to have his tonsils out. He asked the boy to tell him about the surgery.

The little boy replied, “All I can tell you is your tonsils ain’t where you think they are.”

Brought to you by jokes funny.

Be proud

Do you hate going out in public in your swimsuit?

Here is the only picture I could find on my hard drive of me in a swimsuit. Conveniently, most of my body is still covered.

I know that I look downright awful in a swimsuit, but I get in one anyway. Why? Because I love to swim and I love to have fun with my kids!

My mother would NEVER swim with us. I am not sure of the reasons.

Maybe she was too cheap to buy a swimsuit?

Or maybe she didn’t dare wear one from the DAV, where she bought ALL of her clothes? (Disabled Veterans Army or something was the name of my mom’s favorite thrift store in Oceanside, CA – I spent literal days there while growing up – I can still smell the place)

Or maybe mom used to swim but, she gave up trying to have fun at the beach after the 4th child, which just so happened to be me?

I really should ask her. I think she may be a little afraid of the water. I cannot recall her EVER getting in the water with us at a pool or a beach.

I do recall many water fights. I mean the woman knew how to have fun, but she just had to have her clothes on.

Well, if you are one of THOSE moms, I implore you to just get in the pool. Your kids don’t care. And, really nobody else does either. Let go of the gawking teenagers.

If you need a little extra motivation, read this. (you’re welcome to Mindi for the link love) If you haven’t read the link yet, go on, Mindi will make you laugh and give you some much needed confidence.

And if Mindi’s story doesn’t work, maybe mine will.

The other day while at the fountains with the kids, I took off my pants to go out in the water with Brayden, my niece Lily started to stare at me. She kept staring for about 15 minutes. I was starting to get a little uncomfortable, but kept reminding myself that she in only five.

I was relieved when Lily finally busted out with. “Emo, (this is what she calls me, it means Aunt in Korean) you have very strong legs. They are stronger than mine.” Her bust out made me bust out. Yeah, they are strong alright. They’ve got to be so they can provide a place for all that cellulite. Well, it was nice to have that over with. Once she said her peace, she ran off to play and I could finally get out from under a child’s scrutiny.

But, hey, I now know that my legs are strong, whereas before I just always thought that they were the place my body prefers to store my fat.

Supporting American Economy

Thanks to Valerie for a great e-mail forward.

If only my tax stimulus check didn’t have to be used for all of the necessary things listed.

As you may have heard, the Administration said each of us would

get a rebate check to stimulate the economy.

If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.

If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.

If we purchase a computer it will go to India.

If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.

If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan.

If we purchase useless junk it will go to Taiwan… …and none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it at garage sales;

since those are the only businesses still in the U.S

A Tennessee Spring Picnic

As a lot of you know, I am the Activities Chair at church. It is quite the interesting calling. It is a whole lot more work than I ever could have imagined.

We recently had a great Spring Picnic. When you only get 100 out to church and 140 show up to your picnic, you know you threw a great party.

I was down a water cooler and so for the majority of the party I was busy taking care of the need for hydration. Those guys were getting into that game of soccer, and NOBODY is going to faint for lack of water on my watch.

So, you can imagine that when Sheila recently sent me this picture and caption,
I really got a kick out of it. I hope you will too.

In the last Ward I lived in, we had a spring picnic.

The Bishop decided that, due to budget limitations,

we could provide only one drink per person.

I was released from the Activities Committee for ordering the cups.

Sorry, I never got a chance to pull out my camera until the end of the picnic. (that’s how it is when you are in charge) If you want to see a picture of the cool view from our pavilion during the night, go and check out Jennifer’s post.

Here is our last activity of the night: the pie eating contest in the dark. (It wasn’t supposed to be in the dark, but hey, any party is better with some last minute fun in the dark)