Funny

My morning laugh

LG gave a lesson to the Scouts at church yesterday about the fact that God knows us individually.

I am certain that this joke came to my e-mail box one day too late.

They would have loved it.

A burglar broke into a house one night.

He heard a voice saying, “Jesus knows you are here.”

The burglar was astonished.

He waved his flashlight around until he saw a parrot in a cage.

With the spotlight being shone on him the parrot said,

“I am warning you, Jesus is watching you.”

The burglar said, “What in the world…. a parrot is trying to warn me.

You’ve got to be kidding me. Who do you think you are?”

The parrot responded, “Moses.”

The burglar taunted that this was ridiculous.

He questioned, “What kind of people name their parrot Moses?”

The parrot taunted back, “The same kind of people that name the Rottweiler Jesus.”

Uranus and UP

Here is Abigail trying to make Caroline smile.

I know I’ve blessed my children’s lives eternally by gifting them my sense of humor. I know they are happy about it. I know because I hear their laughter on a consistent basis.

I am not so sure that their posterity will be so grateful, but if my theory that laughter is genetic is true, then I am sure they will be.

This evening, I pulled out one of Abigail’s graded papers from her backpack.

As I read, my funny bone was struck like a beautiful chord.

I had to call LG at work to beam with pride.

Me: “LG, you gotta listen to this.”

LG: After my third attempt “Alice, I can’t understand a word you are saying, you gotta quit laughing.”

Me: “Abigail brought this paper home. She turned it in this way. I can’t stop laughing. At the top it is entitled Uranus. (oh c’mon, tell me some of you immature types are already laughing – LG was still silent) It then reads. ‘The planet I was assigned was Uranus, now, don’t laugh, Uranus actually has some interesting facts.’“

LG: “Alice, it’s not funny, she is just saying it is an interesting planet.” (Yeah, of course he would think that. She gets the scientific side from him)

I was out to prove that she gets a little DNA from me too. I hollered out to Abigail. “Why did you say not to laugh in this paper Abigail. Was it because it’s a small planet?

Abigail: trying to be serious “No, mom, it’s just because the name sounds funny.”

Me: “Why does it sound funny Abigail. I know you are too smart for that. Do you know what an anus is?”

LG on the other line is denying that she would know any such thing. At which point Abigail busts out in laughter. “Yeah, mom, an anus is the hole in your bum.”

That’s my girl!

The conversation finished by me using every ounce of self control to stop laughing and discussing LG’s further plans for the evening. He said, “If basketball is lame, maybe I will stop by Redbox on the way home.”

Me: “Yeah, that would be fun. Instead of Redbox, we could just watch U – P (spelling out the name of the movie so the kids wouldn’t catch on to a future Christmas gift.)

LG responds to my fits of laughter with, “What are you talking about Alice?” I reply while trying to breathe instead of laugh, “I said we could watch YOU PEE.” LG was still clueless. I had to explain that I was spelling the movie title at which point he gave me a sad sounding chuckle.

C’mon people. Tell me you laughed.

Knock Knock

Knock Knock.

Who’s there?

Nobody.

Nobody who?

silence

The other day, the girls and I got some good laughs while telling & retelling this oldie but goodie.

The reason for this post is to admit I have been missing in action.

I would like to explain.

I have never claimed to be a real blogger,
but sometimes I feel bad for disappointing those

who like to read “unreal” blogs.

To you three people who found me in my other cyber FB world, I am truly sorry for my absence.

I just have a hard time getting the creative juices flowing when I am sleep deprived and busy eating rocky road ice-cream to deal with the stress that is always present in my mind while dealing with a crying infant.

I am also sorry to all of you who have felt the pinch in numbers while I haven’t been reading my blogroll either. I hope to be back soon.

Just as soon as I find myself on the other side of the knock knock joke.

C’mon! I thought she was a Tennessean for sure.

We saw this on the news last night and I said,

“Only in Tennessee.”

Come to find out. She is from Ohio.

LeGrand was right. It could happen in another state besides this one.

I love this news clip as the female anchor cracks up

and the male anchor says,

“That is one happy squirrel.”

The love for the hubby

LG is finally ready to admit that we have been in counseling. And so now, you all get to hear about it. Aren’t you lucky? Marriage counseling has been a great experience and we’ve learned a lot about ourselves and each other. We highly recommend it, and wish we would have gone 12 years ago. I don’t know when or if we will ever “graduate”, but hope that it will be really soon.

One day our awesome therapist mentioned the love we have for each other. I said, “Yeah, that is the reason we are here, we’ve got to figure this out, we love each other too much to leave.” It’s ironic that LG is a divorce attorney, and he himself would never get a divorce. LG and our therapist are always teasing each other about giving each other referrals. It’s funny to see a marriage counselor and a divorce attorney strike up a good friendship.

Well, one of the good things about counseling has been that LG is now willing to admit that he has problems. WOW! It only took me 12 years to break him. Just kidding. We all know that my problems are just as bad, if not worse.

I thought that these pictures were appropriate to my feelings about my man lately. With a little coaching, and kissing, LG is turning into quite the prince charming. Let me tell you, counseling has been worth every dollar.

And here is a story to make you laugh. Thanks to Valerie for the e-mail forward.

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa:

“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake?”