Funny

Fast on His Feet

This young guy was working in the produce section of the supermarket, and an older guy comes up: “Young man, I’d like to buy a half of a head of lettuce.” “Gee, sir, we don’t usually sell it that way. Let me ask my manager.”

He goes into the back room and yells, “Hey, Mr. Benwa, there’s some jerk out here who wants to buy a HALF A HEAD of lettuce.” He turns around, and there’s the customer right at his shoulder.

“… and this fine gentleman would like to buy the other half.”

After the satisfied customer leaves with his half a head of letuce, Mr. Benwa says, “That was some fast thinking, son. Where did you learn that? Where did you grow up?”

“Aw, ’tweren’t nuttin. I grew up in Moose Jaw. It’ s little town up in Canada. It’s not famous for anything except that everybody there is either a prostitute or a hockey player.”

Mr. Benwa glares at the kid: “I’ll have you know that my WIFE comes from Moose Jaw.” “Gee, that’s great! What team did she play on?”

Are ya’ a Yankee?

My parents always taught us to try and understand and love all people. This makes it a little easier to fit in where ever I go. I believe that my California born and raised parents did an amazing job of preparing me to survive in the South.

I got a good sense of their amazing child rearing skills this Sunday. I have had almost no prouder moment than when Phyllis, my lovely favorite lady, who is black, was introduced to my brother before Sacrament Meeting. She said, “Oh, boy, I just love your sister, she is like my twin!” I didn’t think that was possible! All three of us got a good chuckle thinking of the literal fact instead of the intended meaning.

My brother who was visiting from Utah chose to sit down next to Phyllis, who is black. I later chuckled to myself as I heard David lean over to Phyllis during the Sunday School lesson and exclaim, “Ain’t that the truth?” Phyllis then replied with, “Amen Brother”.

Just read these you oughta know facts if you plan to move to the South and thought I would share:

The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press-on Nails.
The North has double last names, The South has double first names.
The North has Ted Kennedy, The South has Jesse Helms.
The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races.
The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.
The North has green salads, The South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters, The South has crawdads.
The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt.

Remember, “y’all” is singular, “all y’all” is plural, and “all y’all’s is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing “You ain’t from round here, are ya?”

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this,” you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he’ll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn’t matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

If you do settle in the South and bear children, don’t think they will be accepted as Southerners.
After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn’t call ‘em biscuits.

And you may as well reckon that your life will turn into a country music song ‘fore you know it.

What they learn from Moms and Dads

Little Johnny, a kindergartener, practices spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: “cat,” “dog,” “dad,” and “mom” have been proudly displayed for all to see.

One morning while getting ready for the day, Johnny bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. “Look what I spelled, Mom!” Johnny exclaimed, a proud smile on his face.

“That’s wonderful!” says his mother. “Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight.” That Christian education is certainly having an impact, she thought, happily.

Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen. “Mom? How do you spell ‘zilla?’”

The regreted shot!

The guy who shot Robert Kennedy, Sirhan Sirhan, goes up for parole every year. Once he even told the parole board that if Kennedy was alive today, he would speak in his favor and say let him go. What a tough break, you know? The one guy who would have supported him, and he shot him. ~ Paula Poundstone

Elephant Jokes

I used to be notorious as a child for telling elephant jokes. Here is one that I have never heard before:

A man is playing the piano softly one night in a downtown bar. In walks an elephant who goes over to the pianist, and suddenly starts to cry. “There, there”, says the pianist “Do you recognize the song?” “No, no,” says the elephant “I recognize the keys.”

Is it a Dad Strike?

Last week was a rough one for most of the girls at our house. As you know, there are four of us and my poor hubby is the only man. (Our cat is even a girl) I think God designed our family this way because he knew that LG would be the best dad ever!

LG is so patient, understanding, and a great listener. He is also the kind of dad that really enjoys spending time with his kids. (which makes all the difference to little girls) Look at Bella’s happiness when being tickled by her dad. She’s so happy she is almost crying!

Anyway, last week I was having a rather emotional week. (don’t we all have to do that from time to time?) But, to add to the torture Abigail and Bella were both on one also. (Sophia seemed to be immune from the estrogen induced drama for some reason this time)

LG was getting an earful every direction he turned. I would keep him up late talking out my issues. The girls would start out early with their whining.

One night at dinner, LG had had enough. I was still in a yucky mood and two of the girls were pouting about something. I looked at LG and felt a twinge of pity. All I could say is, “We are just getting you ready for the teenage years.” (We will have three teenage daughters at the same time)

LG surprised me as he actually raised his voice. He declared for all girls to hear, “That’s it, I’m joining a bowling league.”

We all just laughed. Later that night as we were sitting together enjoying all of the girls’ better moods (this seems to happen to all of us automatically when we get some good daddy time), Bella looked at her dad so sweetly and said, “Daddy, can I join your bowling league, too?” LG and I held our laughter to wide understanding smiles. (Bella can be kind of sensitive and doesn’t like us laughing at her, even though she is so cute and funny) Bella continued, “I am a really good bowler, dad.”

LG replied like the sweet dad that he is, “Of course you can join my bowling league Bella, I don’t think I could win without you.”

The Edited Flu

Lori chronicled the flu of what seemed to be her whole blogroll. (that’s how bad this flu has been, or maybe there is some way we have all been passing it from between keyboards?)

Cally (if you link, scroll down to #2, couldn’t get the piknik post to work) inspired me to give you this edited picnik version of the flu at our house.

What does a woman do when she is supposed to rest, her husband is studying for the bar, and they cancel two days of school?

No prob…”Children, you have free reign of the TV, toys, and the snack cabinet. Yes, those 4 boxes of fruit roll ups are not only yummy, they will keep you alive and semi-healthy.” (If you add in the gogurts and dry cereal, they almost get every food group.)

Yes, they wore those pj’s for two days straight. Sophia has been really into keeping up with her new “days of the week” panties that she got for Christmas. Last night I told her that she needed to change out of her pj’s before she went to bed. This is what I hear Abigail exclaim from the bedroom, “Sophia, you are still wearing Wednesday.” This statement was echoed by Sophia in between her fits of laughter.

My mother-in-law will be so stunned…she thinks that I am the clean underwear nazi. I don’t know where she gets the notion, except for the fact that I always pack the girls double underwear when they go to her house. I once said to Faye, “I am not an underwear nazi, I only make them change their undewear daily. How often did your kids change their underwear?” She never did answer me.

We are now in the beginning stages of clean up. I have found at least 50 piles of wrappers that look just like this. Maybe we should clean up after the bar, what do you think?

Manx cats have no tails.

I thought I would post this joke in honor of our Manx cat, Kitty Bear, who slept on my chest throughout my night coughing on the couch two night’s ago. Thanks to jokesfunny.

Animals in a Bar

There’s these animals in a restaurant. The waiter comes over at the end of the night …

The skunk says ‘Don’t look at me, I haven’t got a scent’

The duck says ‘Just put it on my bill’

The cow says ‘You’ll have to ask one of the udders’

The deer says ‘I had a buck last week and I’m expecting a little doe soon’

The giraffe says ‘Well, I guess the high balls are on me then’

The frog says, “I’ve got one greenback”

The vampire bat is thinking, “Which one can I stick for the drink today?”

The snake says, �I guess I can�t hold my liquor.�

Another snake says: ” If you think I’m paying that, you can kiss my Asp.”

No, the snake said, “It’s hiss turn to pay.”

The Rhinocerous says: “Don’t worry. When the waiter comes I’ll just charge it.”

The amoeba said, “I’ve got to split now.”

The paramecium said, “I’ll split it with him.”

The groundhog said, “If you let me go I shadow you a favor.”

The turtle said, “I shell pay next time.”

The chicken said, “I hope it’s cheep.”

The elephant said, “But I’ve hardly trunk a drop.”

The dachshund said, “I’ve got be to getting a long now.”

The manx cat said, “I know you’ve probably heard this tail before, but I’m a little short.”

The chicken said, “If feather I pay it’ll be a cold day in heck.”

And the snail said, “No, you shell out the same as me”!

And the trotters said “take 50 cents from two quarterhorses”.

The beaver said, “Dam if I’ll pay”.

Ken said “See Barbie ’bout a doll, her”.

The cows said “We got plenty o’ mooolah”.

The bumblebee said “Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzz zzzzzz zzzzz zzzzzz z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z zzzzzzz off

The zebra said, “It’s black and white–I haven’t the money.”

They each said, “Ask some otter animal.”

But the lion said, “I’ll pay–I’ve still got my pride.”