Crazy Me

John Denver


John Denver is the man! Posted by Hello

When I found out that LG shared my love of John Denver, I KNEW he was the man for me. I thought that I had an unusual upbringing because my parents were always exposing us to JD’s music. Come to find out, my upbringing was pretty normal. LG was growing up 2,000 miles away and he had just as much exposure to the King of country-folk music.

While I lived in Alaska, mom and dad would put us to sleep with John Denver. They would play him as loud as he would go on their little portable battery operated tape player.

I still love John Denver. LG and I carry on tradition and listen to him while we take road trips with our girls. We teach them to sing the lyrics to his songs, which are quite uplifting. Here is one of my favorites:

Perhaps love – 1980

Perhaps love is like a resting place,
A shelter from the storm,
It exists to give you comfort,
It is there to keep you warm,
And in those times of trouble
When you are most alone,
The memory of love will bring you home…

Well, I was grief-stricken, like many others, when Denver died in a plane crash, October 12, 1997. I was mostly bummed because I never got to see him in concert.

At the time, I was taking a course in college, Public Speaking. Each student was to give a speech on a self-chosen topic. I did a bang-up job with mine on the life of John Denver. Did you know that his birth name was Henry John Deutschendorf Jr.?

Well, during my speech, I touched on Denver’s act of adopting two children with his first wife, Annie. In explanation of the adoptions, instead of saying, “They thought that John was sterile.” I said, “They thought that John was impotent.”

Hello, they THOUGHT that John Denver was IMPOTENT…isn’t that something that someone either knows or they don’t?

I still got an A on the speech. No one even snickered when I said it. I didn’t even realize what I had said until I was doing my mental speech replay later on during the day. I was mortified at what I had done. Luckily, most of the students in the class were really naive 18 year old Mormon girls. But, surely my hot young male professor from Michigan realized what I had done. I couldn’t believe it when I got my grade. Either the teacher was really impressed that I was the only student who accompanied my speech with a Power Point presentation, or he was so entertained that he decided to let my mistake slide.

Shut Up


Eskimo Man Posted by Hello

This picture provided by utask

My mind has been racing with experiences from Alaska. If you haven’t read “a piece of the action”, I highly recommend it. This is another “Tatitlek” story when I felt that my life was in danger.

The Eskimo people in Tatitlek were more than ecstatic to get their town rebuilt for “free” by the U.S. government and couldn’t wait for their new homes and school. My dad, of course, was among these government paid construction workers. This village was normally very divided but now they were finally in 100% agreement on one issue: they hated the white men that had been sent to do the building.

Many people in the village drank A LOT. Because of the excessive drinking, there were all kinds of crazy things that happened all of the time. The summer of our stay, my family had STRICT orders from Dad as to who we should not associate with. We all understood that we needed to stay away from certain locals for our own well-being.

My dad had strategically placed our shanty about a mile from the town on our own private peninsula. It had been “jimmy-rigged” together by my dad in the evenings for the month before we arrived. We had no running water or electricity and a biffy out to the side of the house. We took a path along the shore to town when we wanted to see dad and we often got stuck in the mud.

On this particular day, in was more wet than usual and my dad decided that he would give us a ride home in the boat. We all walked down to the harbor where the boat should have been anchored, but it had been let out to sea. My dad was FURIOUS. He found a friend and they left immediately in hopes of getting our boat back, which had been let free to the currents by some hateful local.

While we all kept busy on the shore (what else did we have to do) my dad went and rescued our pathetic piece of sea transportation. We all cheered when he got back. My mom had loaded in the boat as well as a few of the kids. We were finally on our way home. A group of “locals” rode up to the side of us.

At first my dad ignored the locals, but they kept pestering him. So the “words” started to fly. From what I could gather from the conversation, the ring-leader of the Eskimos (he looked much like the guy in the picture above) was the man that had let our boat out to sea.

This Eskimo wasn’t happy with my dad for one reason or another. (It could have been as simple as someone else’s house got sheetrock before this mans…who knows) Well, the vocal altercation became more and more intense. The Eskimo pulled out his shotgun and pointed it at my dad. He insulted my dad repeatedly and made some kind of threat that he would shoot my dad right here in front of his family.

I guess my dad wasn’t too worried because he knew that the guy was just showing off for his friends, but I was terrified because I knew this man was on our “Black Dangerous” list. He was aslo drunk, and he had a shotgun.

While my dad had it out with this man, he was trying to get the rest of us in the boat, so that we could get onto the safe waters. I was the only one left on shore when this man pulled out his gun. As an eight year old kid with obnoxoius tendencies, I saw this moment as my chance to prove that I could be like my hero, Laura Ingalls Wilder. And, prove myself I did. I freed myself from my dad’s grip as he was trying to push me into the boat. I stood all four feet of myself as tall as I could between that mean eskimo and my dad and I gave him a peice of my mind, “If you want to shoot my dad, you will have to go through me first.”

This brought howls of laughter from all of the local men on the boat. My dad turned his anger towards me and quietly said, “Alice, shut up, and get in that boat.” The urgency of his voice made me think that I earned my dad a bullet in the head. I was devastated. I was very surprised that my dad jumped in the boat after me and off we went. I guess the Eskimos were either too entertained by me or distracted laughing that they had let my dad go without any kind of harm.

I got the lecture the whole 4 minute ride home. I don’t know if my dad was more embarassed that he couldn’t keep his eight year old in line or that she had just saved his life. He said,”Alice, you have to learn when to keep your mouth shut.” My mom said,”You almost got your father killed.” My 14 year old brother,”You aren’t supposed to talk to that man, especially when he is drunk.” My 10 year old brother,”You are a big mouth.” On and on, the insults came…all the way home.

I couldn’t believe it and I didn’t understand it. All of the sudden everyone in my family was MAD at me. I had just SAVED all of us from death by gunshot wound. Why wasn’t everyone thanking me?

The Famous Sarcasm


Steve Young: If you were a single Mormon girl in the early 90’s, you wanted to marry him! Posted by Hello

When I was a freshman at Utah Valley State College, back in 1991, I worked at a Malt Shoppe in Provo, UT, called Stevenett’s. It is now just, The Malt Shoppe, but you will still see the same faces, just years younger, cruising the place on Friday and Saturday nights.

Well, this one Saturday night when I was working, a really famous visitor decided to grace the place with his existence. I had heard of him and I wanted to marry him just like all of my 5 roommates, but I really had no idea what he looked like.

We were only open until 11PM on Saturdays, because the Sabbath starts at midnight and that would allow all the Mormon workers to get the place clean and home in time. This night, everyone was out on a date or hanging out with friends. The weather was great. It was 12:30 and our line was still out the door. I was frustrated.

So, this guy with outdated muscleman pants, a Jackson Hole baseball cap, and a highschool football T-shirt makes his way to the front of the line. I was working the register and thinking, “Boy, this guy is cute; he just needs some new clothes.” He was friendly; he smiled and asked, “what’s good?” Remember, I just want to go home and I am sick of these customers. I said, “I don’t know, you have been standing in line for at least a half an hour, have you not had a chance to figure it out?” He was taken back a bit. I polished it off with,”I like________, but everyone’s tastes are different, and so I can’t tell you what you will like.”

He sat there looking at the menu, and I questioned, “What is Jackson Hole?” He said,”You have never heard of Jackson Hole.” I said,”NO, sorry, I am not a Utah Native.” He said, “Where are you from?” I said, “Where are you from?” He said,”I asked you first.” I said you probably haven’t heard of it. He said,”Try me.” I said, “California.” He said, “Heard of it.” I said,”Carlsbad, bet you haven’t heard of that?” He said,”Actually, I have vacationed there a few times. It is a great place.” and he continued on to tell me about places he had visited in my town.

I said,”So, where are you from?” He said,”Several places actually, Connecticut, Utah, California.” I said,”Oh, you’re a military kid.” If you haven’t figured it out by now, the guy I was giving attitude was Steve Young. He is obviouslly not a military kid, but I am sure he found this rather humorous considering I was either making a really good front that I didn’t know who he was, or I was just a total idiot.

He later asked me what I was doing after work (I like to claim that he would have dumped his sister or his date and hung out with me), but I think he was just being nice. I told him I was preparing my talk to give in church the next day. He said,”Oh, that is why you want to go home so bad.” I said,”yep.” At this point, another guy came and took over the register for me and I went back in the kitchen. The cook said,”You sure were striking the fancy of Steve Young.” I said, “Who?” He said, “That was Steve Young.” I was mortified.

The next day, my roommate was in charge of a fireside (something that Mormon’s do on some Sunday nights…an extra gathering.) After hearing my claim to fame, my roommate decided that I had to give the opening prayer. As I walked up she claimed that Steve said that I looked so familiar and that she told him about the night before. She said that he said,”Oh yeah, she is hilarious!” Who knows if that conversation really took place, but I think if it is true that Steve Young thinks I am hillarious, then you should really continue reading my blog, right?

GO UT LAW


Everybody needs a cheerleader Posted by Hello

I have another confession. Poor LG. I don’t know how he lives with me.

Last year, during his first semester of Law School, I took a field trip to his classes. I really wanted to see what he was doing all day every day, and my mother-in-law offered to take the girls.

So, all was going off without a hitch. (LG had made me swear not to raise my hand, ask any questions, or make any comments) I tend to get excited at times. I really enjoyed his first class. The teacher was good and even a dummy like me learned something (I now have no recollection what the class was about, but at the time I felt enlightened.)

When we were waiting for his second class to start (which was really BAD, by the way, the most BORING teacher, and that is all I will say because LG will probably even make me change this) a girl walked in and sat down in the row in front of us. We had been talking with her friend, and as this new girl sat down next to her friend she greeted me.

Here comes the clencher part of the story. EVERYONE in law school has to have a laptop (mostly so that they can IM during class). So, of course as this girl is getting ready for class, she opens up her laptop. As I saw her laptop, I was VERY surprised to see on her screensaver, a picture much like the one above . I couldn’t believe my eyes: because here is this girl in LAW SCHOOl, with the world at her fingertips and she obviouslly put a lot of emphasis on cheerleading (I didn’t think that UT LAW had cheerleaders…Can you say GO VOL ATTORNEYS)

So, I proceeded to ask her about the picture; assuming that she had cheerleaded during her undergrad, which would have made some sense because more than likely that would have been the previous year. She responded that she didn’t cheerlead in college and that this was a picture of her HIGH SCHOOL cheerleading squad. I was in shock! Is this ALL that this girl felt that she had going for her? What in the world was she doing in law school if she was still glorying her HS days? (Mind you, I do recognize that maybe I don’t understand because LG isn’t the traditional law student and I am not the traditional spouse of a student – I am in my thirties and he is no spring chicken himself)But, still…don’t you think that this was a little bizarre?

So, me and my big mouth, I say, “You think that you would grown out of that at some point?” I am such an idiot sometimes. I just HAVE to say what is on my mind. I regretted the question as soon as it came out and I cried when I got home for embarassing LG. LG had given me that look of surprise. (yes, I am still able to surprise him at times) Luckily, the girl never had a chance to respond because the teacher started class not a second too late.

Well, it was no surprise to me when my husband told me that this girl had dropped out of law school before her second year. I REFUSE to take the credit for her discouragement, but maybe I did cause some introspection and she decided that she was doing the wrong thing with her life. Maybe she decided that she was needed more on the sidelines of her High School’s football field. I hope that she is enjoying herself.

The Milkman


My three daughters Posted by Hello

As you can see, our girls all have their own distinct features. We always tell people that Abigail is a mix of both of us, Sophia is just like her Dad, and Bella is a spittin image of me. The people that know us well definitely agree when we say genetics can be crazy.

It is when I tell complete strangers this that I have a problem. Whenever they approach me it is the same routine, “Are they ALL yours?” I say, “Yes.” Then they look at me like they don’t believe me or they look away and whisper, which to me, means that they obviouslly think they all have different daddies.

Because I am me, I can’t let people think what they want. I ALWAYS have to explain myself. Something that I am trying to work on (don’t think this blog is really helping). So, it isn’t uncommon for me to say to complete strangers…”And, if you are wondering, they all have the same mom and dad…there is no milkman involved.” It is fun to see the strangers’ reactions to my boldness. They usually don’t know what to say. What can they say when they know I have just read their minds?

This could be very interesting in a few years down the road. My girls are probably getting subliminal messages that the milkman is very much involved in the baby- making process. I will certainly have some explaining to do.

Wal-Mart Proposal


Boys, you gotta have the flowers

Alright, it’s about time that I tell on myself again. Here’s the latest episode of brain lapse or “talk b4 think”.

I went to Wal-Mart late Saturday night. While I was checking out I noticed a cute young couple behind me in line. Of course, I had a LOAD of groceries, and so my check-out took a while. I was brought up to be TOO friendly to strangers and of course I decided to strike up a conversation with these two.

The young girl had a dozen roses in her hand. She was standing behind the guy. I said to her, “Are those for you?” She replied with a yes. I chuckled a bit and looked at the guy and said,”Is she showing you what kind she likes?” She said, “Yeah, I guess you could say that.”

I said, “Funny, I just called my husband on the phone and told him that roses were finally coming down in price after Valentine’s Day. I asked him if I should buy some for myself.” I continued,”Now you shouldn’t have to buy flowers for yourself until AFTER you are married.” They laughed.

I then looked at the guy, elbowed him, and said, “you know what that means for you, huh? Guess you might be married real soon.”

The girl then decides to pipe up again. I think that she was trying to save her new fiance from my torture. She said,”Actually, he just proposed tonight.”

Everyone in line gave the oo’s and the aw’s….all I could think about is how absolutely crappy I had just made this poor guy feel. He proposed and then his new fiance had to go and buy herself some flowers to remember the night by.

Moral of the story: Never propose without flowers. Just do like my husband and don’t propose at all; then you won’t have to worry about it.

Open mouth, insert Penelope


Who names their daughter Penelope?

Shortly after my husband and I were married, he was fortunate to get a glimpse at the excitement that he would have the rest of his life…and I am not talking about the honeymoon. I am talking about a most entertaining encounter we had with a few old guy friends of mine.

We went into an ice-cream joint with my brother and his wife. As we were about to sit down, I spotted these three friends of mine. They were sitting at the table with another guy that I didn’t know and his wife and baby. She was just a few months old. Now, for the background, you have to know that these guys were the biggest jokesters…..i like hanging out with people of my own kind.

I introduced my husband, they introduced their friend, his wife, and then one of them said, “And this is their daughter, Penelope.” I instantly started cracking up, thinking that they had come up with a pretty good joke on the spot. I said, “Yeah right, who would name their daughter Penelope.” The joke was on me; her name really was Penelope. Poor LG, he could have died right there on the spot.

What defines the perfect woman


June Cleaver – what exactly is her role on this earth?

Alright, I have been on here a lot today, but I am finding this rather therapeutic. I am going to make this quick and it may not be too funny, but I HAVE to get something off of my chest. Alright, I was just writing specifics of why I feel the way that I do right now, but my husband warned me that I may lose friends. What is it with our society? Why can’t we all just be honest about the way that we feel without worrying what other people might think?

Well, to make a long story short….a friend of ours is pregnant AGAIN. They will have more children than us now and I AM HAVING THIS TOTALLY CRAZY REACTION to the news.

We do not want any more kids right now, and may never want any more, but once you hear that another woman is going to outdo you with her child-bearing skills, this crazed “I’ll show you that I am more perfect” mentality comes riding to the surface. It is scary. I know it is all wrong, but why do we women do this to each other? It starts in Middle School and it NEVER stops.

If we could all just be honest about who we are, then maybe no one would come out looking like the ms. perfect june cleaver that we know she is not. Personally, I just like to throw myself out there. It’s too bad that too much honesty can make a woman really imperfect.

Gotta go to bed.

P.S. I think perfection is found in making other people feel that they are better than you, not visa versa.

Isn’t She Lovely

So, today, I was at McDonald’s with the playgroup from church. The other moms were watching my youngest, Bella, eat her hamburger. They all admired her and said how cute she is. One mom said, “She is just beautiful.” I said, “I know, isn’t it great, she looks just like me?” The other mom responded with a chuckle and a look of bewilderment, “Wow, I never thought that you would actually turn that compliment into yours!” [Hey, you have to take them how you can get them.] I just laughed because I guess I think I am beautiful…that’s a good thing, right?

I have three daughters and it took me that many to get one to look like me. I told the other mom,”Well, everyone always tells me that she is beautuful and she does look just like me. I am so happy about that.” What could they say; they all agreed that she does look just like me. I guess I really am beautiful. Who would of thought that having kids could overfeed one’s ego?

No Smoke?


Would this sign become obsolete if the world would all convert to smokeless tobacco?

Alright. It is 8:30 am and not much funny has happened yet today. Unless you consider the debate that I just had with my friend’s kid about eating Honey Nut Cheerios funny. (I am watching the two older girls of the friend who had baby #3) The kid already ate breakfast before I went and picked her up, but when I gave my daughter, Sophia, some dry cereal in a bowl to snack on while watching cartoons, she wanted some too. So, I gave her the pick from my pantry. She wanted Honey Nut Cheerios. I poured them out into the bowl and handed them to her; for some reason they weren’t what she expected. She said, “I don’t want that kind.” I said,”You just said that you wanted that kind.” She said,”No, I didn’t.” I wanted to say,”Yes, you did”, but I refrained from the debate with a two year old, and started back at square one asking her which kind she would really like. She settled on Frosted Mini Wheats. Thank goodness they were aesthetically pleasing when I handed them to her in that Dora the Explorer Bowl. I made a big deal out of the bowl, when I handed it to her, to take the attention off the cereal, of course.

Well, I was just thinking of another one of my brighter moments, and thought that I would share it here. I think it is pretty funny. Shortly after we moved here to Tennessee, I found myself at a semi-professional football game. My brother-in-law Jordan was playing for this team that he called semi-professional, but it seemed like the league was made up of fat old guys that were reliving their high school glory days. Note: (in case he reads this) Jordan wasn’t old and he was only a little fat back then.

Well, I found myself in the stands with my husband, kids, and in-laws. I was a little shocked that SO many people were smoking in the bleachers. Remember, I am a Western girl. I spent my first 18 years in California and the next 12 in Utah. (both States have clean-air acts) My husband says that in TN many people farm tobacco and a clean air act would never fly. If the amount of people that I see smoking when I am out and about is any kind of indicator, I am sure that my husband is correct. My husband is a native Tennessee-an and like anyone else he is extremely defensive of his native land. So, I really wasn’t enjoying one of my first TN football experiences because of all the cigarette smoke. If this makes me shallow, sorry, I just do not want my children to die from second hand smoke inhalation.

On with the story, the mother of Jordan’s friend was sitting and talking to me. She was so friendly, like most Tennesseans. There is, for the most part, a breathtaking Southern charm here. During the conversation, I got to complaining about all the smoke and the smokers…me and my big mouth (a few weeks later, at the only other game I could stand to attend, we walked by her when she was smoking…she totally tried to hide it from me.) Well, this woman, started telling me about her son and the football team and her daughter that was getting married. I asked what her son did for work. She had mentioned that he was taking a break from college. She replied with,”He has a great job, and although it isn’t a mother’s biggest bragging right…he works for a smokeless tobacco company.”

O.k., so here is the funny part. It displays not only my naivety, but my blonde side also. I got all excited and said,”How cool…they make smokeless tobacco.” She looked astonished and said, “Oh yes, of course.” Now, there was an obvious miscommunication going on. All the time, she was talking about Chewing tobacco (that is the ONLY thing that I had ever heard it called). I thought that the amazing tobacco farmers had come up with some kind of cigarette that could be smoked without giving off any smoke. I was AMAZED and wondered why in the world more Tennesseans wouldn’t use SMOKELESS TOBACCO. Yeah, I know, I am SO funny.