Southern Living

Oh no, they’re mutiplying!

This is what LG exclaimed, when we looked out on Sunday to see two ugly cloned vans across the street.

And, if you have no idea what I am talking about, you will have to read this previous post about the Preacher’s van.

Lucky for us, the working van drove away a good twenty minutes later. It looked as though it just came over to offer a short pep talk to his battered twin. Unfortunately, our lovely preacher neighbor’s van must have some kind of spiritual connection to his front lawn.

Are ya’ a Yankee?

My parents always taught us to try and understand and love all people. This makes it a little easier to fit in where ever I go. I believe that my California born and raised parents did an amazing job of preparing me to survive in the South.

I got a good sense of their amazing child rearing skills this Sunday. I have had almost no prouder moment than when Phyllis, my lovely favorite lady, who is black, was introduced to my brother before Sacrament Meeting. She said, “Oh, boy, I just love your sister, she is like my twin!” I didn’t think that was possible! All three of us got a good chuckle thinking of the literal fact instead of the intended meaning.

My brother who was visiting from Utah chose to sit down next to Phyllis, who is black. I later chuckled to myself as I heard David lean over to Phyllis during the Sunday School lesson and exclaim, “Ain’t that the truth?” Phyllis then replied with, “Amen Brother”.

Just read these you oughta know facts if you plan to move to the South and thought I would share:

The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press-on Nails.
The North has double last names, The South has double first names.
The North has Ted Kennedy, The South has Jesse Helms.
The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races.
The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.
The North has green salads, The South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters, The South has crawdads.
The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt.

Remember, “y’all” is singular, “all y’all” is plural, and “all y’all’s is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing “You ain’t from round here, are ya?”

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this,” you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he’ll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn’t matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

If you do settle in the South and bear children, don’t think they will be accepted as Southerners.
After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn’t call ‘em biscuits.

And you may as well reckon that your life will turn into a country music song ‘fore you know it.

Geocaching

My brother David was just visiting on a business trip and he introduced us to the world of geocaching. We had so much fun! I can’t believe I didn’t take my camera…next time. I just love you David, and I really am sorry for all the torturing as a child. (I will blog about the “shut up” game another day)

Yeah, even though I am in my 30’s and David is closely approaching the BIG 3-0 also, he still had to act brotherish, in a torturous kind of way today. He waited until after he had me hooked on the geocache find to tell me, “Alice, this may not be the best hobby for you.”

I have no idea what he is talking about….just because I would search for hours, not share the GPS with my children, ruin my new tennis shoes in the mud quicksand, scale hotel walls, and let my chicken burn in the oven to find that darn canister, he thinks I am a little overzealous…oh, the nerve! He knows how obsessive compulsive I am and he didn’t even give me a disclaimer. He will never admit it, but secretly he was trying to addict me….I am sure it makes him feel better to have another adult join his madness.

And, so what if I took one more stop later in the day when no one was looking…still haven’t found it, but no one else has in the past year either. They don’t even know if it is still there, but gosh danget, I will succeed…eventually. And, yes, this will be such a GREAT hobby…what else would lure me away from blogging!

Winners!

I am sorry to all of you who tried to get the free MaryKay stuff, but Michelle announced the winner, and you won’t believe it, but it is me. I can’t wait to get some free stuff in the mail.

Just when I was feeling like a loser, my luck did a 180. Thanks Michelle! One luck of the draw and now I am an instant winner, not a loser.

LG was a winner last week. He won the three point contest at the school’s basketball game. He says “he got lucky”….I guess our luck really is turning around. Last year was a rough one for us. 2008 is going to be our year, I can feel it. Maybe next we can win some money! That would be really nice about now. 10 years of college life + 3 children can really put a drain on the bank account, if you know what I mean.

Here is the video of the kids after the game. Abigail is holding LG’s prize, a basketball autographed by Pat Summit. WOW!

Climbing Trees and A Nosy Mom

We were at soccer practice on Monday night and Sophia and Bella automatically started asking me to help them climb the tree. The girls all love the trees that line the fields. The trees are the perfect size for them to climb, they just need a boost up to the first branch.

I boost Sophia up and tell Bella that she can have her turn in five minutes. Meanwhile, I start chatting with the other soccer parents while simultaneously keeping my eye on Abigail in the field, Bella in her camp chair, and Phia in the tree.

Out of the corner of my eye, I spot a mom from the other field walking over in our team’s direction. She walks right up to me and says in an ever so nosy way, “Um, your kids aren’t supposed to climb the trees.”

“Oh, really, according to whom?” I reply with a “leave me a alone” tone. “Well, the soccer board members will get on to you if they see your kids in the tree. They have made me get my kids down before.” I reply again with a dual tone of you are really bugging combined with I am going to try and be nice, “Thanks for letting me know. I appreciate your concern. I will be sure to get a little more concerned when the soccer board is around.” I smiled at her and she got the message and finally walked away.

HONESTLY! Do people just need to get a life or what? The other people around me agreed that my small kids climbing these trees are not a big deal. They are not going to do any damage and I have no plans to sue if they fall.

Meanwhile, LG shows up after work and I tell him about the annoying conversation. He, of course, reacts totally obediently and says to me, “Alice, we probably shouldn’t let them climb. The soccer league probably has a contract with the school….blah blah blah…legal jargon, blah.” I cut him off, “LG, you and the soccer league are ridiculous. They are trees. They are kids and this is a park.” LG trails off with, “Well, they have to protect their liability….blah blah” I intentionally tune him out, go and get Sophia out of the tree and boost Bella up for her turn.

I got Bella down five minutes later and told LG that Sophia and I were going home to get dinner and a Family Home Evening lesson ready.

So, we get into the bath/dinner rush and then all sit down to eat. LG says ever so authoritarianish….”I have an announcement. Our family will no longer be climbing trees at the soccer field.” I start into my nagging about the tree/kid thing. LG cuts me off and says, “Alice, a soccer league board member came over after you left and said that THAT lady had called him. The board member announced to our whole team, ‘That lady (what he should have said is: THAT nosy mom) said that a woman was letting her two children climb the tree and that she DARED a board member to stop her. I am here to stop her.’

I started cracking up! I asked, “Did you tell Doug that it was me?” The board members all know us because we have coached for the past 3 years. LG sighed and said, “No, of course not. I am not taking the slack for you. In fact, at the next practice you need to thank all of the other parents, they didn’t say a word.”

I then said, “I can’t believe that Doug came down there to get a kid out of the tree. C’mon, LG, you know you agree, that lady and the board members need to get a life. You guys should have all told him it was me, and you should have handed him your phone to call me, or better yet, brought him to the house. I am not afraid of them. In fact, if we have to quit the soccer league so that I can just go to the park and let my kids climb the trees, we will.” Can you tell I am feisty? I then got even more fired up. “What is up with that lady. Seriously, she needs to get a life! What is she? Some wannabe hall monitor?”

LG nods towards the listening children and then repeats ever so calmly, “Like I said kids, our family will no longer be climbing the tree.” And yes, if they end up in jail someday, whose fault is it going to be? Mr. Obedient or Mrs. Rule Breaker?

But, really, they are trees and kids…I just don’t get people.

Tennessee Weather

Here is a picture of the girls in January at Grammy and Papa’s. They were thrilled to have a 1/4″ of snow. I had to let them go out at 10 PM to enjoy it…I knew the snow would be gone by morning.

Here are some photos I snapped around town last week when we got a good snow…as you can see it wasn’t a whole lot.

I snapped these photos while I drove the kids to school. (yes, I did drive and take pics at the same time) LG was taking the bar, or I would have been glad to have him do the snow school commute. I guess they didn’t close the schools down or at least start on a 2 hour delay because the weathermen predicted that this would be all we would get.
I am always a little afraid of TN icy roads. I went off the road into a ditch several years ago. When we get snow/ice conditions in TN everything shuts down. It only happens a few times a year and so they aren’t equipped to handle it…everyone just stays home and waits for it to melt away. And it is true that our icy roads are totally more slick than those out in the dessert.

So, on my way home from dropping the kids off, I started getting really stressed. The kids school is a 20 minute drive away, and I was driving through a pretty good downpour on the way home. I would have to go back and get them later in the day, and I was worried about navigating through it all after it piled up all day.

I was listening to talk radio. (while driving, snapping photos, and talking to Bella) People were calling in to the show and reporting treacherous conditions in different parts of town while the talk jock kept saying repeatedly that he hates snow. One woman called in from the west side of town and reported blue skies…I thought she was kidding and trying to cheer up the talk show host…until I hit the interstate…here is what I saw…

And now you know why all Tennesseans know to constantly check the weather!

Funeral Processions

After getting an e-mail from Karie about a funeral procession that honored a fallen serviceman, Spc. James M. Kiehl, I decided to take Kristen’s advice (read it under the comments from my lemon post) and I googled the story. (Thank you for the forward Karie, I loved it)

I mostly googled it because I thought that the story was so sweet, I had to know if it was really true. Is there still such humanity in the world? According to the forwarded e-mail, it occurred in TN, and I wanted to be so honored to be surrounded by these good people.

Here is what I read about on Snopes. (an amazing site where you can check the origins of internet garble) So, the touching story is true. Spc. James M. Kiehl was killed in action, and the people of his hometown really gave him a true hero’s goodbye. The community members lined the streets from the service to the cemetery, standing in total silence with their hands on their hearts and waving flags.

I would like to add my personal moment of silence in thanking Spc. James M. Kiehl for his ultimate sacrifice. How can one put in words the true gratitude they feel for their freedom that is won every day from the sacrifice of another family’s son/husband/brother/father?

Now, I would like to tear into the person who saw it fit to change the original e-mail. (which I am sure was not Karie) The part that so perplexes me was this sentence: “There is a lot to be said for growing up in a small town in Tennessee.” (compare this sentence to the original from the link above – “There is a lot to be said for growing up in a small town in TX”) This story didn’t take place in TN, but in TX. Why would anyone really feel the need to put their own state in there? As if this story wasn’t just as good if it happened in TX. I think that sometimes Tennesseans have a little bit of an inferiority complex. Can’t we all just be happy that the good people of TX can honor a man as good, if not better than us?

I know that the people of TX honored this man better than I did some person who was buried in Kingsport a few years ago. After reading Laura’s recent post about Southern traditions, I was reminded that I am not totally Southern. In fact, after I tell you the following story, you may wonder if my husband is either.

The first thing that came to mind after reading Laura’s post that if to be truly Southern, you have to appreciate the lack of sidewalks, I will never be Southern. I so miss sidewalks. In California people actually get out and walk, just for fun. You can’t do that here without worrying that someone will run you right over.

The other thing that Laura mentioned about being Southern is the ability to stop on the side of the road for any funeral procession. So, (Alice, focus, off soapbox, back to story) years ago LG and I decided to sneak away and catch a movie. It was a last minute decision and we found that a movie we wanted to watch was starting in just 15 minutes. It takes 10 minutes to drive from my in-laws to the theatre. We said goodbye to the fam and ran off. My in-laws live out in the country and you have to pass a cemetery on the way.

We were cruising along, glad to make it to the movie on time, when all of the sudden, we spotted a funeral procession ahead. There was a line of about 30 cars. Lucky for us, they were just turning into the cemetery, and they were lined up on the opposite side of the street. We thought and discussed that because they were so close to pulling in, we would be safe to just keep on our merry way. We thought very wrong. The front car (the hearse) decided that he needed to teach us a lesson. He yanked the wheel as to spin his car out in front of us while simultaneously flipping us the bird.

All I could think about was the poor deceased soul in back of the hearse. The decease’s driver seemed more concerned about these strangers on their way to what would be their only date in months than the person who may just come tumbling out of the back when he jerked the car like he did.

Now, you can all call me insensitive. And, LG and I both may need some lessons on funeral etiquette, but really, I don’t expect anyone to stop or get out of the way of the car that is taking me to my resting place. I especially hope that the driver of my hearse won’t pull out any offensive gestures in front of my posterity. Really, what good would it have done for us to just stop there? Did all of these people expect us to just stop in our tracks as they all so very SLOWLY pulled into the cemetery? It’s not like we needed to get out of their way.

I very much respect the deceased. May they all rest in peace! I have even volunteered beautifying cemeteries before, multiple times. I just don’t think that we have to pull off on the side of the road to show respect, and that, my brothers and sisters, makes me a Westerner. It is just so hard to give up that fast paced life sometimes. Really, when I am dead in a casket, I truly hope that strangers to me will go on living their lives as usual….especially if it means they don’t have to miss the previews!
And the quote of the day: You are alive. So live. ~ Tomi Miyasaki

The Cable Guy

LG was a little concerned when his pants felt a little tight this morning.

Maybe we should go on The Larry the Cable Guy diet.

He brags in this article that now that he is down 50 lbs, he is down a whole Olsen twin!

Yeah, that is funny!

Sidenote: he blames his initial weightgain on the pregnancy of his wife. Sorry honey….those babies just like to pack on the pounds. (If it makes you feel any better, I think that Larry the Cable Guy is sexy…I like a man with some meat)

Church signs

Go here to check out my church sign photos.

While at Cracker Barrel a few weeks ago, I saw the above book, The Great American Book of Church Signs. It was very fun to rummage through. This book is a compilation of a very important part of Southern living: the church sign. I have to admit that even though I have never even stepped foot inside of a church that sports any type of unique church sign, the signs are one of my favorite aspects of Southern living.

For my many Western friends. Let me explain. In the South a person in a vehicle can pass a different church at about every block. Under the name of the congregation, each of those churches usually display a block letter sign with a new weekly message. There seems to be an unspoken competition going on. The winner of the competition will win the most parishoners for the following Sunday. How will the church sign do that? Well, of course, the parishioners will not be able to resist attending because of the originality or perfect humor of the church sign.

I grew up in California where all church signs were very bland. Their sole purpose was to let the passer-by know which domination was represented. In Utah, it seems that every church has the same The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints sign etched in granite out front. Which, in its own way is entertaining, given that you will have two exactly similar signs sported a block apart.

But, in the South, the church sign is vital for the spread of Christianity and humor. I am unsure how the church sign tradition got started, but I am sure it has to do with some unorthodox Baptist preacher a few hundred years ago. And, yes, he must have been a good preacher because he can take credit for even teaching this Mormon how to be a better Christian. Here are some of the messages from the signs that I have seen recently:

Lost? Get a GPS (God’s plan of salvation)

You think it’t hot here.

Who’s your daddy?

Free trip to heaven, details inside.

Church parking only – violators will be baptized.

God loves you and he approves this message.

Wal-Mart is not the only saving place.

God answers knee-mail.

Friends don’t let friends go to hell.

Don’t make me come down there. ~ God

If God is your co-pilot, switch seats.

The wage of sin is death, repent before payday.

At the heart of sin is the letter I.

Pessimists need a kick in the cant’s.

So, feel free to add your favorite Southern church sign in a comment. Whenever we all get over the flu at my house, and I can actually think I may try to come up with some signs that they can adopt to put in front of the Mormon churches in Utah. Here are a few off of the top of my fried sick brain:

Join our ward, the boundary is unlimited.

Our Bishop is better than yours!

Is your sacrament bread homemade?

Join us, every Sunday is fast.

Yeah yeah, these are week; I am sick! I can’t stop coughing, so I am going to go. I just didn’t want to be banned to my own bi-weekly blogger list.

Oh baby!

I can’t even read this story without wailing! Seriously, I have used up at least 20 tissues in the past ten minutes.
A baby was found alive in Castilian Springs, TN in the wreckage of the recent tornado. Rescuers while surverying the wreckage of a home stumbled upon many baby things. Then they saw what they thought was a doll. Then the doll started to cry.
His mother was dead just 100 feet away. It was reported earlier that is father was dead too, but I don’t find anything about him.
Is it just me, or does every mother instantly try and figure out how they can get there and take this baby home?
I heard the story on the radio earlier and immediately came home to research and make sure this baby had a home. I was so happy to find him safe in the arms of his grandmother. I guess I will have to wait for a true orphan to rescue.
And, I cry because the child has a grandmother who will give him everything he needs. I cry because his mom is gone, but she can look down and know that her baby will still live the life she had wanted for him. I cry because there is only one person who helped this baby survive, and that is the God who created him and watched over him. What a beautiful story this is, if you can look at the things to be grateful for.