Musings

So happy with the new blog.

Starting a new blog is the best thing I have ever done. I am learning so much and feeling myself become a better person just because I have chosen to focus on what matters most.

Today I wrote about one of the good lessons I learned on the trail last week. I don’t know if I would have had my eyes open for it without the blog. It is the best feeling knowing that I am heading in the direction God wants for me. The best feeling!

I think I might start taking one old post from here and repost it over there until I feel I have transferred everything over that I really care about. This way I will also get practice in the editing department. It’s the start of something new. It feels so right to be here with you…high school musical is awesome.

P.S. come over and like me on my new FB page inloveathome as the imsofunny FB page will be retired on Monday and eventually so will this whole blog.

In Love At Home

Over at my new blog InLoveAtHome, I have touched on the subjects of

Summer Labor – My kids are earning their school clothes.
Raising Girls – My hubby is the best father of daughters.
Affection – Some girls like it like boys.
Bathroom Serenity – Yes this post is titled “Pooping In Peace” and one of my girls asked if I thought anyone would actually read it.
Sleep – Extra sleep helps parents be happier.

and more.
Come join me where the blogging hasn’t stopped
and where I really am learning to love motherhood.

A Whole Month

I’ve been on my new journey for a whole month and it’s been somewhat like detox. I don’t feel the need to check my e-mail anymore as there won’t be anything there for me of social importance. I’m surprised because I am kind of enjoying the solitude. I have had a lot of time on my hands to get in touch with myself.

I’m an attentionmonger. It’s been kind of fun to attack this weakness. Liberating to not need people as much.
It also can be lonely. I have become more aware of how extroverted I am. I need more social in my life, but unlike my past I need the social to have meaning. I am trying to focus on quality instead of quantity. I want to start a bookclub. I feel like my bookclub ladies in Knoxville were some of my closest relationships that made a difference in my life.
I’ve been reading a lot. In the past two days,  I have enjoyed two books: Lucky by Alice Sebold (LOVE HER) and Heaven is Here by Stephanie Nielson. Both have given me perspective for me. I am blessed. I also need to be happy with a very small sphere of influence even if it’s just my own little family.
The one thing I have been feeling a lot in the past month is that there is something out there for me. There is some way that I will make my stamp on the world, I just don’t know what it is. I feel like I need to figure it out. It’s been a little frustrating.
Am I supposed to adopt more kids? Have more kids? Write an inspirational book? Just keep living my quiet little life and enjoying my family? Then I go back to my self peptalk of “Alice, you can’t live your life for other people to notice. You just have to live your life FOR other people.”
I think the thing I notice the most about people who truly influence others is that they are comfortable in their own skin. My skin? It doesn’t fit quite right. I am working on it.

Letting go

I’ve talked about starting a new blog for forever, but I just didn’t have the courage to let this one go.

I still haven’t figured out how to completely walk away as I don’t want to let my life chronicled here for the past 8 years to be lost forever. I think I will post once a month or so here just to keep this alive for all the work and writing and photos and memories.

But, this is my big announcement. I am finally strong enough to say goodbye. It’s a big deal. This place has been my refuge in many many hard times. My readers have been there for me giving me the will to go on. I am bawling as I write this. Truthfully, bawling. I’m going to miss you all. I’m going to miss this support system. I’m going to miss this blog and it’s worn torn pages, like a big old journal I’ve hauled with me everywhere I go. I feel like I am throwing it into a bonfire or onto the shelves of a daycare full of toddlers.

But, God has wisely and ever so gently worked with me to help me to NOT need the approval of others.

Yeah, I’m still a work in progress and some days I do better than others. Today is a struggling day, but I have to do it, it’s the right thing.

I am letting go of this blog in the hopes that I will love myself enough, and look to God for what I really need, what none of you really could have given me all along.

I have started a new blog. I need an outlet in this next phase in my journey and I am the kind of learner that learns best by writing. I have debated and even wrestled with the Lord over the new blog. I can’t let it become a crutch. I can’t want it to be HUGE,  like I’ve done all along here. The world’s approval does not matter. The only thing that matters is if I am living true to my God and what He asks of me.

Right now what He has asked of me is to be home with my kids. Like I said in the last post I am struggling with His request. I have trust issues. I have resentment. I have pride.

My new blog is the place where I will focus on learning to love being at home because that is what He has asked of me, and even though I have been parenting for 14 years I still have a lot to learn. So much to learn.

I can’t market it. God has told me that much. I can’t write for the approval of others.This is something I will have to battle within myself every day, but in the long run I know it will give me more peace. The only way I can healthfully blog is if I am using it as a measuring stick for my approval or as a place to solidify what I learn. So, I won’t have comments enabled on my new blog.

I hesitate to even share the new place with you, but really, I won’t even know if you are reading, and I hope I get to a place where I won’t care if you are. Not that I won’t care about you and our friendship, but that I won’t care if I blog for a million people or just me. I want to blog for me and keep it between me and my God because He’s bigger than a million people.

Here it is. Follow me on my journey if you’d like.
I hope it will be full of profound wisdom, straight from God.
If you aren’t into that kind of thing, I hope you will have a change of heart.
Not because I need you at my new place online, but because God needs you, and someday answering to Him is all that is going to matter.

Wow. This is bitter sweet. It feels like a funeral and a baby being born at the same time.

Thank you all for you friendships. Thank you for your support.

I have that much.
Faith is important to me.
I’ve discussed it before
here, here, here, and here.
Faith has carried me through a lot of stuff.
One of those above links
was when my husband failed the bar exam.
That was tough.
Here is how faith
influenced me
as a small child.
The story is also
a fun reminiscence
of my crazy dad
and how he jimmy-rigged
and stole (I mean borrowed)
a truck to get our
station wagon out of the mud.

So my latest trial of faith may be the hardest trial I’ve ever faced. It’s not something I can really blog about because to reveal it would not be fair to others, but it’s tough. Trust me, it’s really tough, so tough I can’t talk about it on my blog. ( And you all know I talk about everything from moobs, my body, crying myself to sleep, and even the horrible botched farce on breastfeeding.) So it’s tough and it reminds me that everyone is fighting their own hard battle, whether or not they share it.

Anyhow, I was praying about this trial last week. It was one of those big prayers in my life that I will always remember. For me it was huge on two levels. It was huge because I decided to do it after a long prideful prayer hiatus. {shame on me} And it was huge because I poured my heart out to my Heavenly Father as though he really was my Father listening and that He cared and that He would help me. I bawled like a baby and questioned, “Why?” Even if we aren’t supposed to ask “why”, I did. (This is one of my favorite addresses on trusting in the Lord and talks about not asking why) I needed to know WHY does this have to be my life when I have tried so very hard for the last 20 years to do everything right for God.

The answer came (like it always does eventually) two-fold. The answer was first a thought in my mind. “I have this trial so I will pray.” This trial is so hard that it always brings me to my knees out of desperation and God allows this in my life because He knows I will be happier with Him in my life.

The second answer came from the words out of my own mouth.

“Father, you’ve said in your scriptures that if we have the faith of a mustard seed, we can move mountains. Well, I sometimes struggle with my faith, but I know I have that much. I have at least as much as a mustard seed.”

I saw in my mind, my Father in Heaven, the most omnipotent being ever. All knowing, all powerful, and all loving, he let go of his embrace from this wailing child, he nodded at me and said, “Yes, you do. Well done. Now hold on Alice, we’re gonna move this mountain on my time.”

Faith is my greatest treasure. I hope I always keep at least a mustard seed worth.

Thanks to the book Cold Sassy Tree for another take on faith and answered prayers.
{SPOILER ALERT}

I’ll publish my book review on Cold Sassy Tree next week.
It’s a new all time favorite.

Here is some spiritual enlightenment on how to use the supernal gift of prayer. Really really good stuff.

My opinions

I never keep my opinions to myself.
Those of you who know me,
know that I always speak the truth.
So when I say NEVER I mean never.
And by truth, I mean
things the way that I see them.

One of my goals this year is to NOT
make any comments at church
for a whole year.
You have no idea how hard
this is going to be for me.

Maybe if I don’t raise my hand
or blurt out anything funny
my husband will channel
his polar opposite and get
up one fast Sunday and
bear his testimony
to the world.

Be the change you wish to see in the world.

There are good sides to being the way that I am.
Some people really like me for my openness.
There are bad sides too.
Some people are big-time haters.

I am a very black and white person.
It is something I am trying to work on:
taking myself into the grey zone
from time to time.
How weird does that sound?
Who wants to be stuck in the Twilight Zone?

I don’t want to be the kind of person
who instantly likes another
or hates them.
I want to be how I would hope
others would be for me,
like my good,
ignore my bad.

A while back in church we discussed

If you judge people, 
you have no time to love them. 
              ~Mother Teresa

Man, I suck at this.

However,
because this is my blog,
I can use it to throw opinions out,
Guilt-free.

So even though you all know I am trying to
not judge people,
and give them the benefit of the doubt,
here are some of my black and whites
that I am trying to turn grey.

I am not into essential oils,
even though every other mom in Utah is.
I will use some if you give them to me for free,
otherwise I will stick to the stuff
I can buy at the pharmacy in Wal-Mart.

I am not into whole foods, even though I did just make cookies with coconut oil and they were good.

I think Girl Scout cookies are evil.
I gained 5 pounds in one week one time
because I ate 3 boxes in a day.
I don’t let my girls be Girl Scouts.
I say it’s because I don’t need one more thing in my life,
but really it’s because I still hold a grudge towards those cookies.

I feel sorry for people with bratty kids, and even though I try and tell myself that my kids are brats sometimes and maybe their kids have a special condition, I mostly am stuck in blaming other people for their crappy parenting. (Mental illness is the exception here. I do know a lot of kids that do in fact have conditions.) I am talking about the kids whose only condition is crappy parents. For some reason I can love the kids easier than their parents. I guess because I recognize that the parents are doing the best they can and I shouldn’t take it out on the kid.

I hate how rude people have become when in public movie theaters. Turn off your phone already. Don’t bring your baby to an action film (or any film) unless you are prepared to take them out at the first sign of fuss. Stop talking. Watch the dang show and remember the people around you paid almost $10 to do the same.

I gravitate towards people who have an exceptional sense of humor (as long as it is a lot like mine) and/or love to have a good time. I also gravitate towards people who are exceptionally smart. I guess opposites do attract sometimes. Wait, does that mean I’m not really funny? Yes, I am admitting I am not smart. I have a goal this year to tell myself I am smart every day until I believe it.

I am so annoyed with people who think they are more important than other people, especially when they are humored by the whole community around them. Your kids are not that cute and they don’t deserve special privileges. That is all I am going to say about that because someone reading this may figure out who I am talking about.

I have major issues with dads who father kids but then don’t provide for them. Major. Issues. I have issues with mothers who allow this to happen and don’t walk away and/or advocate for their kids or in the very least get a job. Once again I don’t have a hard time with the kids, they’ve never been taught any different. Why can I not see the grown parents as the kids that were never taught any different?

I also have issues with the hypocrites that get up in front of crowds and talk about how much they love their families, but really avoid spending time with them as often as they possibly can.

I really don’t want visiting teachers. I understand this makes me a hard person to love. I don’t like feeling like an assignment. Be my friend or don’t but don’t come and check on me because someone told you to.

Here is a doozie for you. If in the next life man is going to be totally pure of thought, but can also have a more than one wife, does that mean he will be able to have sex with them at the same time? I truly do lose sleep wondering about things like this.

I secretly hate people who won’t admit their weakness. I really do. Don’t live your life in such a way that your goal is to make everyone else around you think they have to live up to your standard. bahahaha That sounds pathetic. It is what it is.

I am openly jealous of homeless people: not only do they not have to pay taxes, they have freedom to roam wherever they want to go and do or not do whatever. After many pep talks from my husband, I have come to understand how totally irrational and ridiculous this is.

I hate brussel sprouts. (I just looked up brussel in the dictionary) I can’t imagine any scenario where they would actually taste good. O.k. maybe I wouldn’t hate them if they were all I could find to eat after three days of starvation, but I wouldn’t think they taste good. Ever.

I am going to hell for saying everything I just said. I should delete this whole post. I should have said prayers and studied my scriptures before opening my blog this morning. I don’t really know if I want to let you all in on my deep dark secrets. This post is going to have haters and lovers. Can’t wait for the lovers. Trying to ignore the haters already.

Hitting publish. now.

When Tragedy Strikes

I feel. I feel deep. It is part of who I am. I have no way around it. I am a sensitive person. I am pretty sure I get it from my mom. I cry at the drop of a hat. I really should be an actress. So, when tragedy strikes, it kind of knocks me out for a bit. It really knocks me out. I have to give myself cognitive therapy so that I don’t succumb to the warmth of the sheets in my bed. I have to distract myself. I even lie to myself if necessary. Most of all I have to get some answers.

I think because I feel, I have chosen God consistently throughout my life. I need somewhere to go when nothing makes sense and let’s face it, there is a lot that doesn’t make sense.
Like other people though, I usually vacillate in my own incompetence for a bit before I turn to God. I am trying to change that, but I guess I can take comfort in the fact that at least I get to God at some point. A lot of people don’t have the same luxury.
So after the CT shooting last Friday, these were my reactions, put out there for everyone and their dog to see. Oh the evil of social media. It really shows one’s true colors.

This should not still be happening. Give me your best solutions for the safety of our children. Serious. I am writing Congress. I am so heartbroken.


I refuse to read more than one news report about the shooting. 
I suggest you all do the same.

Use your energy to make the world a better place.

We have the highest obligation to protect the children. The American citizens demand that every school has two armed trained military personnel on guard every day. Repost if you agree.

Pondering again on the words of Mormon leader Dallin H Oaks spoken to the world that would listen just two months ago:

Although I do not speak in terms of politics or public policy, like other Church leaders, I cannot speak for the welfare of children without implications for the choices being made by citizens, public officials, and workers in private organizations. We are all under the Savior’s 

command to love and care for each other and especially for the weak and defenseless.

Children are highly vulnerable. They have little or no power to protect or provide for themselves and little influence on so much that is vital to their well-being. Children need others to speak for them, and they need decision makers who put their well-being ahead of selfish adult interests.

I know one amazing 12-year-old angel with open arms and the most tender heart who is probably cuddling up with some kindergartners tonight and that brings good tears to my eyes. Love you Braxton Wills!

How about we train gun sniffing dogs to guard every school? I seriously can’t stop obsessing for an answer. I grieve by taking action.

Trying to press forward by going out to a movie but it’s hard to move forward when so many fellow Americans are in mourning. God bless.

It just occurred to me that God had even more reason to be in public schools on Friday. I am sure He held each of those victims in the palm of His hand and hugged them as He told them they would never again have to feel pain.

 See how I vacillate? I ended off with this:

Love. Peace. Joy. This world is overcome and the next will have no heartache.

And this: Must read! So touching.


twas’ 11 days before Christmas, around 9:38
when 20 beautiful children stormed through heaven’s gate.
their smiles were contagious, their laughter filled the air.
they could hardly believe all the beauty they saw there.
they were filled wit

h such joy, they didn’t know what to say.
they remembered nothing of what had happened earlier that day.
“where are we?” asked a little girl, as quiet as a mouse.
“this is heaven.” declared a small boy. “we’re spending Christmas at God’s house.”
when what to their wondering eyes did appear,
but Jesus, their savior, the children gathered near.
He looked at them and smiled, and they smiled just the same.
then He opened His arms and He called them by name.
and in that moment was joy, that only heaven can bring
those children all flew into the arms of their King
and as they lingered in the warmth of His embrace,
one small girl turned and looked at Jesus’ face.
and as if He could read all the questions she had
He gently whispered to her, “I’ll take care of mom and dad.”
then He looked down on earth, the world far below
He saw all of the hurt, the sorrow, and woe
then He closed His eyes and He outstretched His hand,
“Let My power and presence re-enter this land!”
“may this country be delivered from the hands of fools”
“I’m taking back my nation. I’m taking back my schools!”
then He and the children stood up without a sound.
“come now my children, let me show you around.”
excitement filled the space, some skipped and some ran.
all displaying enthusiasm that only a small child can.
and i heard Him proclaim as He walked out of sight,
“in the midst of this darkness, I AM STILL THE LIGHT.”

Written by Cameo Smith, Mt. Wolf, PA

The only place for peace is God. I don’t know why it takes me so long to figure that out every time tragedy strikes. I am stubborn. Hard-headed. Prideful. A natural woman. Eventually I’ll get there without vacillation, but at least I am aware of my tendency, and that is the first step towards fixing it.
So, as I hold onto God as tight as I can today. I write this.
I am proud to say that my kids went off to school today just like any other day. I am not mother of the year, far from it, but I made a choice a long time ago to limit the media into my home. We don’t have any TV but Netflix and it makes all the difference. They know something tragic happened and we have prayed for CT, but my babies went off to school today feeling safe. And that is all a mother can do. If by chance some awful thing ever does happen to them, all I want them to have is a feeling of safety and security and love up to the very moment of the unspeakable.

I thank others who have helped me make sense of it all.
Two links were particularily helpful. 
This one gives a plea for the mentally ill.
And my hubby sent me here where he was able to convince me that the answer is not about gun control
or even about guarding our schools. 
The answer my friends is the same answer for all other woes in our life:
Trust in God.
Evil has always been around. Awful things happen every day. We are no worse off today then yesterday. In fact, we are better off because we don’t live in a war-torn country. We as Americans freak out when tragedy strikes, but tragedy strikes much more frequently in other parts of the world.
So what can I do?
I can trust in God.
How can I trust in God?
I can continue to pray with my family.
We can read our scriptures and let God’s word work in our lives.
We can limit the crooked media’s influence in our homes.
We can show compassion to others.
We can stop having stigmas towards the mentally ill.
We can reach out to our neighbors who may be struggling.
We can love more deeply.
We can quit fighting over politics.
And that is what I resolve to do.
And because I have a new resolve, 
I can be grateful to God for the reminder, 
even if it’s in the form of an awful tragedy.

Gift-Giving 101
I love getting gifts.
It’s one of my
Actually
it’s
my
TOP
love
language.
The problem is
my husband
hates
shopping.
He never knows
what to buy.
So for the past
couple of years
we’ve come to a
compromise.
I would like to
take a minute
to give
my
deepest
heartfelt
thanks
for
enhancing
my marriage.
You see,
and
he
goes
online
and buys.
Win.win.
Love
at it’s finest.
Start your
gift 
wishlist
board
today.
It’s never too late.

Half-way
The great news is
I ran a half marathon
on Thanksgiving.
Almost one year to the
day that I started
my journey towards a 5k
I way surpassed it.
I rock.
I don’t rock enough
to do a marathon.
I more than likely never will.
13.1 was plenty for me.
Now for the 
2012
goal reconciliation.
I am using the sandwiching
technique here.
You know
good.
bad.
good.

FAMILY

1. Read scrips every day. 
(probably received a D grade here)

2. Do good every day. 
(we are pretty good at doing good but still need work)

3. Be quiet. 
(royally failed)


PERSONAL

1. Run four 5k’s. (keep running 3x wk) 
(YES I rocked this one. I did 5 official 5k’s and ended off with the half
and ran 3 times per week over 90%, only missing when sick or on vacation)

2. Read 54 books. 
(At this point I have 40 books, 20 of which are children’s which I just added to make me not look so pathetic. In my defense, I take Caroline to the library weekly and usually read at least 20 books to her every week. 
My i-phone has ruined my good reading habits. Dang words with friends.)

3. Weigh 180 or under. 
(190 – Lost 40 pounds this year. 
Quit counting calories sometime this summer. 
Big mistake.
Need to get back to it.)

4. Attend temple monthly. 
(I think I only missed one month but I went twice another month)

5. Plan a family camping experience. 
(Oh yeah, we went to Coral Pink Sand Dunes when it was cold enough to snow last Spring. 
Talk about a camping experience no one will forget.
We also experienced Arches this summer 
when it was windy enough to blow us off the Delicate Arch.
Nothing like the elements to teach
your kids about the outdoors.
I rocked in this area.)

7. Dailies. (scripture study, prayer, service) 
(sucked it up –
but I did make progress in the fact
that I have decided that I am not going to do these things out of guilt anymore
but I am praying for a pure desire to want them in my life –
well, when I pray.
In my defense, I have been dealing with some major stuff this year
my nephew’s death, a hard miscarriage,
and the trials brought on by some very loved addicts in my life)

8. Be still and quiet. 
(Did really well with this just need to be better about including God in this time)

9. Go back to college. 
(I plan to apply to BYU for Spring, probably won’t get in, 
but hopefully I will be going to BYU or UVU starting this summer)

10. Stay under budget. 
(I still am not perfect here but I have really made a ton of progress. 
Although LG would tell you otherwise.
Once again in defense,
when I have gone over budget
it really hasn’t been in a 
retail therapy way but
in the everything is too expensive
and we have 4 kids way.)

11. Go to bed & wake up w LG. 
(I did super impressive all the way up to summer which ruined me. 
Starting again in Fall I have gotten up every morning 
to make my kids a good breakfast. T
hat is a huge improvement for me. 
Running has given me more energy, 
combated my depression 
and has somehow magically lessened my need for sleep)

12. Show love and compassion. 
(Still need to work on this every day. 
I am just naturally judgmental. 
I am constantly reprimanding myself.)

13. Bond with the girls. 
(I’ve spent a lot more quality time with them 
and have made it a point to support their dreams.
I’ve personally sacrificed for their extra-curriculars.
And a trip to Disneyland doesn’t hurt me here.)

Overall,
I would give myself
a C grade
but an A for effort.
I consistently checked in
with myself on my goals all year.
I am enjoying having this
accountability to the blog.
Always
half-way
to
perfection.

And that my friends

is
a
glass
half
full.