Marriage

Better Blogs and Christmas Cheer

I am not in a blogging mood.

I am more occupied with negotiating Christmas with my husband,
who apparently doesn’t want to buy our kids any sort of magical Christmas gift.
Can I say the man is imagination challenged
without spurring on my haters
to call me to repentance?
Do you know that the father of my children
let Santa’s cat out of the bag
three years ago?
Oh, Yes he did!!!
Our kids were 8,5, and 4.
And they now think the world of their daddy.
Because he is Santa and the tooth fairy.
But I am still struggling to forgive.
Because I believe in magic.
And Harry Potter.
But because of all the things I have been learning lately,
I will not Christmas shop until LG and I are on the same page.
Because that is what Dave Ramsey says.
And that is what the Bible says.
And who can argue with the Bible or Dave Ramsey?
And I have to say after reading the Bible just now
and hearing God’s admonition to reverence my husband,
I am feeling guilty about this whole post.
I guess I will have to repent.
Once I do I am sure that
our marriage will prevail.
One challenge at a time.
Even if everything seems to be a challenge lately.
I think Christmas should not be a challenge.
Who knew two people could be married
for 13 years
and never be on the same page?
This year if anything,
we will be on the same page.
And both of us will be happy with what is under the tree.
Even if it is only due to the generosity of others.
And hours of negotiation.
I’ve said it a million times before
but
2011
is gonna be our year.
Next Christmas will bring no negotiation.
And that will be LG’s best gift to me.
The fact that he cared enough to negotiate this one.
If that makes any sense.
From now on,
we will hopefully be on the same Christmas page.
Is that just wishful thinking?
The older I get, the more I think
that life is really just one negotiation after another.
T’was the night before Christmas
and all through our house,
no raised voice was heard,
because we’re espoused.
We negotiated until our hearts
were content.
And now the wife will not overspend
and have need to repent.
But, I will have to repent about the reverencing the man.
How can I reverence Santa Claus?
Huh? Huh?
He’s fictional.
I hope your kids don’t read this blog.
Or maybe they should.
Because then my husband will have some more
little people to reverence him.
He needs that.
Since he isn’t getting it from me.
Well anyhow.
I wanted to share some better blogs.
For my loyal readers
who I have just left totally confused.
But before I do.
Really, how do you married people
agree about Christmas?
Just curious.
Did you negotiate year 1
and never argue again?
Or do you still fight about it?
I love my husband.
A lot.
I want to be on the same page.
Even if his page is to pay the bills
and give the kids as little as possible.
And mine is to make Santa magical.
There has to be a good medium.
Do you ever even think about these things?
Are all other married couples like us.
I can remember my parents always fighting over Christmas.
Mom wanted to make it magical
and dad didn’t want to go into debt.
I wonder if this is the same story in every household?
So, on with the real fun.
My friends all have it figured out.
They don’t blog about their private business,
leaving their blogs actually entertaining.
Unlike mine.
There is good reason why I am not blogging right now.
Check out Cally’s homemade gift tags.
And Lori’s movie making skills.
And Erika’s honesty.
Jeremy’s love for an awesome father, who just passed on,
and made me have a greater desire not to fight over stupid stuff.
Gina’s photography.
Jennifer’s yummy food.
Rachel’s consistent gratitude, maturity, and resilience in the midst of battling childhood cancer.
There are definitely a lot better blogs out there.
But at least many of them belong to my friends.
I am off to make a spreadsheet for my husband.
Maybe it will help if I speak his language.

Peace and Quiet

Tonight I am grateful for peace and quiet.

I am not sure what is making me so grateful.
It may be living 24 hours a day with a very hyper 17 month old.
Or the fact that I am now the mother of a teenager.
Or that I have a daughter exactly like me who could talk non-stop all day.
Or the cheers and incantations that my only quiet child has felt loyal to practicing.
Tonight, LG is getting a sleep study.
I can’t wait until he gets his C-pap machine.
There’s nothing like a c-pap’d husband that can make a woman feel old.
For some reason, that just made me think the man was getting his yearly vaginal exam.
What is that? Not c-pap. But some other form of pap.
So, tonight, I am grateful for peace and quiet.
Because it may not be too much longer that I will enjoy this luxury through the night.
(Insert the sound of c-pap)

But really, I have found serenity.
In peace and quiet.
And I long for it.
Even if I only get it for a few short hours during nap time and before I conk out in bed at night.

Daydreaming

When we first moved to Knoxville,
seven years ago,
I would drive by this house often.
It was for sale.
One time during an open house
I went inside and dreamed of buying it,
and filling it with foster children.
There are about 12 spacious rooms
each with its own bathroom.
Filling the house with children
seemed the only alternative
when thinking of the
only other choices
I could figure:
Being occupied by
a small family with two children
or a bed and breakfast.
As I walked through the spacious kitchen,
I imagined a bunch of sets of little hands
pitching in at family meal time.
And as I left,
I pictured the porch swing.
I would have to install one.
But, there would be a swing.
Because that is how my daydream
always ends.
Me and LeGrand
sitting on the swing
watching our posterity
play on the lawn.
I love my husband.
He is the man of my dreams.

Book Review: Behind Every Good Man

Behind Every Good ManBehind Every Good Man by John Bytheway

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Short and sweet book. Really, it will take you all of 20 minutes to read the whole thing.

What did I learn?
Besides the fact that I am not as good of a wife as I thought I was?

#1 And most important (which is really hard for wives to hear) You can’t change your husband.

#2 Love your husband. Just the way he is, and you might inspire him to be better.

#3 Be grateful that your husband puts up with you.

#4 Your husband is really a lot better than you give him credit for.

#5 Don’t criticize EVER. Unless he asks for it, and even then you have to deliver it in a way that seems complimentary.

#6 Men talk for information, women talk for interaction. Define your roles, needs, and communication styles and then remember them when interacting.

#7 Affirm affirm affirm and let him know you love following his lead. And make a big deal about everything that he does that you like and/or appreciate. Thank him specifically.

#8 Talk about your admiration for each other, especially in front of other people.

#9 Speak each others’ love languages.

#10 Treat a man as he is and he will remain as he is, treat him as he is the man you want him to become and he will become that man.

View all my reviews

Love is everything
Last week, I kissed my husband at the dinner table
and asked my kids if they knew how much I loved their dad.
All the girls gave a rapid yes
while covering their eyes and giving us the pukes.
I kept kissing.
And then asked,
“How do you know.”
Bella answered eagerly.
“Because you have four kids.”
LG about sprayed his Crystal Lite Lemonde
in the baby’s face.

“Right”, I told her.
And then declared to LG that I was going to have a great blog post.

Happy Anniversary to my husband of 13 years.
Who made this message possible.
With some good love making.

There are certain spelling mistakes that this mother can overlook.
Especially when it comes to love.

Wishful Thinking

Happy Birthday Big Guy.
I wish we could stay in bed all day.
And do nothing.
Or something.
But instead we will be
getting Caroline tubes in her ears,
closing your practice,
searching for a new job,
taking kids back to school shopping,
paying bills,
cleaning house,
and
working on church callings.
All of which will require us to get out of bed
VERY EARLY.
I’m so glad I married a morning person.
One of these days,
let’s get out of bed early,
and go somewhere
where we can stay in bed all day.

Self-Employment

For the past two years,
LeGrand has been running his own law practice.
It is a two years that I would
NEVER want to live over again.
LeGrand has done a great job.
His practice has been successful.
He really did amazing things.
He’s accomplished a lot of his goals.
And he has gotten to know himself
more than ever before.
I bet he has been significantly more successful
than most people who start a practice
right out of school.
But it’s all because of God’s grace.
And it does no good for anyone
to compare themselves to others.
Better than monetary success,
LG has helped a lot of people.
And that makes LeGrand
really happy and proud.
He could keep going,
and we would only get richer.
But, life isn’t about riches all the time.
Sometimes it’s about having some vacation time.
I can’t wait for the day that LG clocks out
and leaves work at work.
I want to be the wife that looks forward to
that summer vacation.
Instead of feeling guilty for asking the man
to take a day off of work.
I couldn’t be happier,
that it’s time for the next adventure.
Because the stress that LG has carried around,
has about killed his wife.
And I am pretty tough.
Thanks be to God
for letting us know
that we can finally move on
from our second two year mission.
Or maybe it’s our third mission.
The first being our literal church missions.
(Where we met by the way)
The second being having all of our children
while finishing college.
And the third being the law practice.
I wonder what the 4th will be?
Here’s to NOT minding your own business.
And going back to working for the man.
I know that LeGrand will find the perfect job.
People would be stupid not to hire him.
He’s a genius.
What does this have to do with church anyway?

I choose you

I choose you.

Every day.
I choose you.
No matter how poor.
I choose you.
As I always have.
I choose you.
No matter how broken.
I choose you.
As I always will.
I choose you.
No matter how hard.
I choose you.
I have to.
I choose you.
No matter how wrong.

I choose you.

I must.
I choose you.
No matter how long,
I have to wait for your success,
or your happiness, or your comfort, or your perfection.
I choose you.
And because I do,
nothing else matters.
When I choose you,
I am a success.
I am happy.
I am at peace.
And I am perfectly whole.

My Love

(LG and I – Dec 1997 – quite possibly my favorite photo in the world)
Oh the title makes me sing….”My love, there’s only you in my life, the only thing that’s right”.
Am I the only crazy person in the world who hears lyrics in my head on a daily basis?
Now that Valentine’s Day is over, I have had a whole half of a day to reflect.
On love.
Who knew it is so complicated?
I learned in therapy last week that I am really not the greatest at receiving love.
Try fixing that one. If you have success let me know.
I am a little worried that I am not going to be able to improve in the area and I’ll be left a non-loved hag.
Just call me Grinch, or Scrooge, or even Ornery Old Lady, Maxine.
So, as I told you before, LG and I have been trying to figure out ways to enhance our marriage.
I could tell you all of our baggage, but that seems to bring out some serious haters.
And I am trying to learn how to receive more LOVE not HATE.
So, let’s just say that 6 years ago when LG started law school, we hit a 6 year slump.
And we are trying to slowly dig our way out.
It takes individual and combined efforts.
It’s complicated and difficult.
And exhausting.
Thank goodness we have a therapist to throw us a line from time to time.
But, I have every reason to believe that we will come out on top.
Together.
Meanwhile, I am spending a lot of time reflecting.
Instead of blogging.
As you have all noticed.
(And I’ve been spending too much time on Facebook.)
One thing that was told to me on Facebook was to read a book.
The Five Love Languages
by Gary Chapman
I found a copy at the local and awesome used book store, McKay’s.
I didn’t want to wait behind 32 other people at the local library, so I forked over $7.
I had to search for the book.
It was finally found in the Christian section in the subsection High Demand.
Funny they had only two copies compared to several shelves of Bibles.
Now that’s a modern conundrum.
Can I now use my reading of The Five Love Languages as an additional argument for why Mormons are Christian too?
So, I have read a good twenty pages.
I am trying to decide my love language.
The choices are:
1- quality time
2- words of affirmation
3- gifts
4- acts of service
5- physical touch
The earth shattering gospel of the book is that every person has a love language that they understand.
Love languages are learned just as a native communicating language is learned.
If your spouse doesn’t show love to you in your language,
it’s as if a Chinese person who speaks no English is married to a Spanish person who speaks no Chinese.
Well, because my therapist says I am not good at receiving love.
Which I have come to believe is true.
I am wondering if I even have any love language at all.
LG and I were discussing this little worry of mine.
I was reminded of a little conversation we had recently.
I said, “I think I might have a little of the language of “gifts”.
A few weeks back I was telling LG that I had read a great article in Good Housekeeping about the art of the love letter.
I told LG he should read it.
He agreed that he should.
He was distracted at work on the phone.
I didn’t think he was listening to me.
I said, “Do you know what would be the best love letter for me?”
He said, “What?”
I said with all the confidence I could muster:
“The dishwasher is on it’s way.”
He was actually listening because he laughed.
Hard.
LG hasn’t bought into the idea that buying me things will make our marriage more loving.
He questioned last night how him bringing me things home from The Dollar Tree could really help our marriage.
I told him that he should try it and see.
And that I think it really would.
Help our marriage.
He said, ‘How does some random glass figurine make you know I love you?”
I reminded him that the first gift he ever gave me was a porcelain skunk.
And it has sat in a place of honor in our front room,
for the last twelve years.
He was silent.
As he pondered.
What he is going to buy me at the dollar tree.
Until he can afford the dishwasher.
And, my love language has been uncovered.
Now, we just have to figure out LG’s.
We think his might be words of affirmation.
He likes it when I tell him that he’s sexy.
I told him that spending $1 on something stupid is sexy.
Watch out therapist.
Gary Chapman is gonna steal your hardest clients.
Please, don’t ever argue that facebook isn’t good for a marriage.
Because although my therapist helped me to see that my love needed help in the receiving department.
A friend on facebook pointed me in the right direction.
So that I could see that I would most prefer to receive love,
in the form of a gift.

Yes, there is a Santa Claus
After a recent depressing blog post,
I received an outpouring of love.
It was truly a miracle.
A Christmas miracle.
I had tried not to talk about our deplorable situation.
I didn’t want to be needy.
Or ungrateful.
I also didn’t want to make my husband feel bad.
Because he has been busting his tail.
But when one is building his own business straight out of college,
it is rough. Really rough.
And even rougher when you have a family to support.
This has been the worst fiscal year of our lives.
And that says a lot.
Because you all know we were in law school with three kids.
And we lived on less than $18,000 a year.
For those who aren’t Mormon.
You gotta know that Mormons keep a supply of food for emergencies.
Months back, we lived on that food for the first time in our married lives.
After months of living like this, I finally fell apart on my blog.
I threw it out there.
And I only threw a small portion
of the load that I had been carrying.
As to not make anyone feel bad.
Especially my husband.
Who I honor, respect, and admire.
Shortly after I threw it out there,
Miracles started to happen.
(LG sarcastically remarked that I should have begged on the blog earlier,
like when the kids needed shoes for school.)
I can’t even think about some of them without crying.
For instance,
A friend I haven’t spoken to in years called and asked what she could buy my girls for Christmas.
She had read the blog and felt inspired.
I am deeply grateful for all of the little miracles in 2009.
God has been good to us.
But one miracle in particular,
deserves a special mention.
A special mention
because
I met the wife of Santa Claus
when she found my blog years ago.
I would have never known Santa Claus without the blog.
Did you know that Santa really lives in Nevada?
Last week I got an e-mail from him.
The message line.
Yes, Abigail, Sophia, Bella, Caroline..there is a Santa Claus.
Along with it there was a notice to pick up a trampoline at our local Wal-Mart.
Santa’s wife had read my blog.
She notified her kind and generous husband of a Christmas need.
It wasn’t really a need, but a want.
A want on the Christmas list.
A want that some down and destitute parents could have never fulfilled.
And they would have never asked for help.
Because it was just a want.
And their kids had what they needed.
And the kids had become very aware that the basic necessities of life were blessing enough.
They could ask Santa for some amazing gift,
but he probably would be too busy helping some even more destitute kids in Africa.
But guess what?
Santa wasn’t too busy.
And on one day of the year,
nothing was too much to want.
Because on one day of the year.
Miracles happen.
And some precious little girls in Knoxville, TN got a trampoline.
Even when their parents had told them repeatedly
that Santa had kids to feed in Africa.
And would probably be too busy.
And one very little blogger.
with a very small readership.
Got her Christmas miracle too.
Santa Claus read her blog.
And on Christmas Day,
he made her husband smile.
Really smile.
And that is all she wanted.
And she had wanted that for a very long time.
Ever since last Christmas.
But she thought Santa was too busy in Africa.
But, Santa was in Nevada.
And he not only read my blog.
But he made miracles happen at my house.
That is so like him.
I heard this song on the radio the evening of Christmas.
I bawled my eyes out.
That evening my prayer went something like this:
Give Santa a halo for me, will ya?
Oh, and send his wife a big fat kiss.