Love

There is Hope

Does love really hurt?

No.
The lack of love does.
Love is the best feeling that exists.
It’s more than a feeling.
It’s a state of mind.
And nothing is better than love.
Nothing.
I love someone very much.
That person keeps hurting me.
Repeatedly.
I go to God in prayer
and ask Him to release me
from the hurt.
Release me from the pain.
“Please,” I beg.
I don’t want to hurt anymore.
I don’t want to let myself not be loved.
I want out of it.
Let me out.
This morning I got the same answer
I keep getting.
I’ve been getting it for years.
Hang on. Hold on thy way.
Keep on keeping on.
Be patient.
Stand by.
Be loyal.
Love.
Even if it hurts.
Do as I do.
Be strong.
Oh, and by the way Alice,
you aren’t the best at
loving either.
So maybe you can
change too
while I give the other person
the same answer in your behalf.
That’s how God loves.
I wish I was more like Him.
I hope I can be.

You know who you are.
This song is for you.
I’m sorry.
I will try to love better.


When I get done praying
and pouring my heart out.
God doesn’t shame me.
He tells me there is always hope.
For all of us.

Sophia the Wise
The name Sophia means wise.
When my Sophia was born 
I took one look into her eyes
and I knew she was an old soul.
Sophia was on our short list,
I knew it meant wise,
and I knew the name belonged to this
little one.
Whenever I take the time to think about it,
I realize that I made the perfect name choice.
I was supported
when yesterday Sophia came home from school.
Her teacher is really into the Chinese zodiac
and Sophia’s class has been getting their fill.
Sophia said that she was born in the year of the snake
and that snakes are wise.
What a coinkydink.

I am so proud of my Sophia.
She is many of the traits listed above:
quiet, unassuming, prefers to work alone,
sympathetic, intuitive, and amorous.
She is an angel.
Truly.
She is also very talented.

I would love to take all the credit
for her compassion, kindness, and nurturing ways,
but she came to us with them.
I know that she is
not just special to me and LG
but she is also special to God.
She embodies God.
She embodies love.
She has blessed my life so much
and she makes me want to be
a better person.
The school rewarded her
yesterday
for being the way she is.
I told her she should call her Grammy
and tell her thanks
because she is so much like
my mother-in-law.

The funniest part of Sophia’s
character connection award
is that Sophia came home
and said,
“Mom, I was so weird-ed out.
I am 11,
I don’t want to be known
for love.”
I am so glad I don’t have to retire yet,
we obviously still  have a lot to learn
about love.
Well Sophia doesn’t,
she has it down.
Maybe I just need to explain.

The sense of a goose
I’ve been watching
The Canadian Geese
for several weeks now.
The seem to want to follow me
wherever I go.
On my run, at my house, on my errands.
They just keep coming.
I love to hear their honking greetings
and watch them change up their formations.
Call me weird.
That’s what my kids do.
One of them said the other day,
“Mom. what’s your fascination with the geese?”
I answered, “I don’t know
they are just so beautiful,
and we are lucky their flight
patterns go through here.”
The other day 
while having a particularly hard married day
(oh c’mon, you have those too),
I was on the phone with a friend.
Outside of Wal-Mart,
crying a bit, is where I stood.
Pondering life.
While getting my pep talk,
tears were flowing freely.
I was in a place of major frustration.
Why?
was running through my head and heart
repeatedly.
Why does it not seem to matter
how hard we try?
Why can we not just arrive
where we need to be?
Why do I have to keep working so hard
just to be beat down
again and again?
Let down.
Again.
and
again.
I watched a large group of geese
and another.
Cried on.
Chatted on.
And then God sent me a sign.
In the form of two straggling geese.
They were all by themselves,
braving the big skies
without their group of friends.
They seemed to be in a hurry.
I instantly remembered a story I read
years ago.
It was titled
“why do we not have the sense of a goose?”
It taught that geese mate for life.
If the mate goes down for whatever reason,
so does its mate.
Couldn’t we have more loyalty as humans?
I looked up at those determined geese
and wondered of their story.
Then I heard God’s voice.
It said,
“Keep going,
don’t give up,
you may fall down,
he may fall down
but just like those geese,
you’ll get there
eventually.
Go the right direction.
Together.
Who cares
if every single other pair
of geese get there ahead of you.
All I need you to do
is
get here.”

Be like a Bee

I have a fascination with honey bees.
Remember this old post
when I took my camera into the shower to photograph them?
Good times back in Knoxville.

Anyhow,
When M. Russell Ballard
gave this address
entitled
Be Anxiously Engaged
during General Conference,
I was delighted to listen.

Today I went outside with my camera
to try and capture something beautiful.
Why not the honeybees across the street?

It’s pretty powerful to think about what we can accomplish when we all focus on the things of God,
even if we, like the bees, each just produce our 1/12th of  a teaspoon it will be more than enough.
On another bee note. 
The BYU documentary that I just saw for the first time on Sunday also inspired me to do more for others.
I love so many metaphors from this documentary but perhaps the one the most lovely is that bees use white clover (a normally discarded weed) as their food-source. The bees see the clover like no one else does.
 If I live my whole life and accomplish all that I wanted it will be in vain if I can’t look at every other person I meet and see the white clover inside of them.

Book Review – Daring Greatly
This is a paid for review as part of BlogHer BookClub.
Getting paid to read a book that I would have been 
snatching off the shelf anyhow is a very proud moment for me.

Do you want to change the world?
Do you want to have more powerful interpersonal relationships?
Do you want to explore into your own soul 
to make sense of your life?
Do you want to live whole-hearted?
Do you want to rid yourself from shame?
Do you want to understand men and women better?
Do you want to give your heart a hug?

I thought I would do something different this time and give you a list of questions for this book review. This book is so jam-packed with the “hard stuff” that I don’t even want to dare pretend that I get it all. I will be reading it repeatedly until I have absorbed and memorized every nugget of wisdom. I wish every other person on the planet would do the same. It would seriously bring world peace and most certainly would give everyone inner peace. I’m not kidding, It’s that powerful.
I was proud to be a part of this book campaign. I was thrilled. I mean I jumped up and down when I got the e-mail confirmation and cooked a fancy dinner for my family when it arrived in the mail. I have been pouring over its pages and sharing parts with my hubby every chance I get. I have compromised my facebook relationships with the overabundance of quotes from this book. I just can’t stop. It’s too totally amazing not to share. YOU HAVE TO READ THIS BOOK. If you don’t want to buy your own copy, borrow mine. I can’t share it though for at least another month until I have it memorized.

I had a powerful experience at work last night, using the principles learned in this book. I was substitute teaching a class at the therapeutic boarding school where I work. I gave the kids a reward for every half an hour of hard work. We listened to a song of their choice (with my approval). One boy chose a powerfully emotional song about a girl who wanted to be with her dying boyfriend forever. I loved it. Another boy in the class didn’t. He started to shame the song choice kid. I stopped him and talked with the whole class about “shaming” and talked with them about giving people space to be who they are, even if they are wrong or different. I then turned to the shamer, and told him how much I loved him and admired him and that I would hope other people would give him space to love what he loved. He got teary-eyed. He turned to the other kid and said, “Dude, I am so sorry, I don’t like that song, but it’s cool if you do.”

World peace, people. World peace.
A huge thanks to marriage counselor friend John Morgan who turned me on to Brene Brown just months ago. He shared with me her talks from Ted. I was hooked. Brene is a researcher and has a PHD and LMSW. Her life’s work is shame and vulnerability. Here are her videos. Watch them both. Come back if you have to. They will make you understand why you need to read this book. Even if you aren’t into that psychological mumbo-jumbo, you need to be.

CameraMan
Sing us a song
you’re the cameraman.
LG bought me a new camera
and signed me up for a photography class.
He’s so amazingly awesome.
I love it that he pays attention to my bucket list.
We went to a free rooftop concert on Friday night.
It was super crowded.
We couldn’t get anywhere near the stage,
so we found a secluded corner of the parking garage.
We listened to the great music
with a bird’s eye view of the stage.
And we made out all night.
Just like being teenagers.
It was awesome.
I know are sad that you weren’t invited to the party.
Don’t worry.
We played with the camera too.
Captured some goodies just for you.
Oh, how I LOVE this man.
Every day just gets better.
And now you see why I need a photography class.
How the heck do I make these photos larger
without distorting them?
It”ll have to wait.
I have to go to work.

My Love
Happy 15th anniversary to my love.
Yesterday.
He got a ukulele
and no action at all
because I just had a miscarriage
and it was the best anniversary yet
because he needs nothing from me.
Nothing at all to love me.
It’s his unconditional gift
and I am the luckiest girl in the world.

My love is bottomless.
It goes on forever.
Like through a black hole and back.
Or up to Jupiter
and all around it
and through it 
to the next solar system
and then back
and then back again.
It would take the strongest hurricane ever
to spread the true power of my love for you.
Of course the hurricane would
have to travel the whole earth.
It would take a mouse’s 
smallest tiniest squeak
to fitfully stand as the opposite my 
loudest declaration
of love.
The prettiest fullest
most colorful flower fields
are not as beautiful to me
as your smile
or your eyes
or your hands
or your laugh
and especially your tears.
The happy and the sad.
The grandest canyon
which we witnessed together
as we stood in awe
is not even as miraculous
as how I feel for you.
Even the great Pacific
that gently caresses
the shore
while the sun falls
in majesty
is not as glorious
as what we share.
And I sit
to try and
put words to
communicate
how I feel about you
and nothing comes
that can do it justice
because 
I know that
no matter how much
I love you today
and no matter how huge
that love feels
like my heart is going to explode
somehow
tomorrow
my love will be even greater.
Every day with you adds
a universe to travel,
another canyon to explore,
a garden planted,
and an ocean shore.
How can I express that?
How can I tell our future?
The slowest person
may be the last to laugh.
And that person may be me
every time
but I know I will be o.k
because you will always be at my side
and you
will always laugh first
because you are miraculous
and you will always be smarter than me
but that is one of the may infinitesimal
reasons I love you.
And I will always love you
and that love will always be growing.
It will never ever stop.
Just like our lives together.
Eternal.
Totally mind-blowing.
Completely flustering
because I am not smart enough to understand it
but I know one thing
the only thing that is important.
My love for you
needs time to never end
because it needs
that much time to grow
to reach it’s fullest potential.

You’re Beautiful

I’ve been struggling for months.
I couldn’t pin-point what was going on.
I thought it was just part of the grief of losing my nephew,
and it partially was, but it started before we lost Braxton.
I was angry.
I just got angrier.
For months I didn’t want to pray.
I didn’t want to go to church.
I didn’t want to read the scriptures.
I just wanted to stew,
and get angrier about all the unfairness of life.

I spent a night at the cabin with a few friends last week,
and we took the time to have a honest share with one another.
I was floored by the experience.
Just a few moments of humble and honest self-reflection
completely turned me around.

I was able to see a part of me that I already identified long ago.
I was able to see the part of me that went straight
to pride and anger
as to protect myself from the hurt or disappointment.

I was angry because I felt like I could never measure up.
I was angry that people around me didn’t appreciate me.
I was angry because I didn’t want to need God.
I was angry because I was hurt.
I was sad, so I was angry.
My subconscious thinks it’s easier to be angry.
But it’s not.
Pride is destructive.
Anger is a form of pride.

After two seconds of honest reflection,
I immediately felt God telling me it’s o.k.
I am just human doing the best I can.
He wasn’t mad at me.
He was glad that I finally figured it out.
I don’t need to be angry.
I need to be vulnerable
and let God heal.

I most of all needed to re-understand that
I am not alone.
We all need God.
We all need to be told that we are beautiful.

Loving my body.

I feel very uncomfortable being called inspiring when it comes to my body. My mind, my faith, my writing, even my family…they can be inspiring, but not my body.

Why is that? Because I have a horrible self image. I believe myself to be a fat girl. I have always been the biggest of my three sisters. I have been teased as a child, adolescent, and adult because of my weight.

So I got a message from a friend the other day. She has been following me on facebook. She knows I started running again and she wanted me to know that I am her hero and that I am inspiring. It makes me cringe to write those words in reference to my body, even though I have read her encouragement at least ten times.

She wants to know how to start. She is sick of being over-weight. I feel 176% unqualified to answer her. In fact, I don’t really know what her answer is. I don’t even have full confidence that I can keep helping myself in this regard. Every day is a battle for me. I truly believe I have a less severe form of food addiction and every day I am still battling it. I don’t have all the answers for me yet, how in the world can I help someone else?

I have been on a self-discovery journey for a few years now. It started with just getting to know my past and my emotions and has advanced to making changes. My body is a place that I needed to change. I don’t know if anyone can heal physically without first the emotional healing.

I can’t even describe my whole journey. I am inadequate to express the process. So, I don’t know what to tell you. I wish I had the magic words to motivate you. I wish I had the magic words to make Oreos less appealing also. That would help me out a lot.

However, I do have three tips.

Number one. Get real. What is really going on with you? Why do you loathe yourself? I promise you that inward there is some self hatred. That was what made the final decision for me to start exercising. I really made it a matter of prayer about how I could change. My answer wasn’t anything I expected. My answer from God was a question. “Alice, why can’t you love yourself like I love you?” When I started really pondering that question I felt empowered. The master of the Universe loves me. He loves me even when I don’t love me. Shouldn’t I love myself as well as he loves me? And isn’t the way that I am treating the temple he gave me a huge indication of how poorly I am doing in the love department? If you really don’t know how to do this for yourself, I highly recommend using the 12 steps in your own life. The LDS church puts out a great manual, and the steps can be used by anyone to apply the atonement in their life and make lasting changes. The fourth step is a really great tool at getting to know yourself. Years ago, I became acquainted with the 12 steps for my codependency, but I truly believe that the principles I have learned there have been greatly beneficial with my body image also.

Number two. Just start. One step at a time. After I had my spiritual awakening (which I am still in the middle of – still figuring out) I made a promise to myself that I would get started. I’ve done all the calorie counting many times in my life, so this time I wanted to focus more on getting strong. I decided to go back to where I was when I felt strongest. It was back when I was 17 and running every day. I decided that I would once again run…no matter how hard it was to get there. I set a goal. I could barely run a lap. I decided that in two months time I could at LEAST do a 5k, even if I had to walk it. I would try my hardest to run it, but I would walk it if I had to. No matter what, I was going to do it. And I did it. I ran the whole thing. It only took me two months to get in shape enough to run a 5k. I surprised myself. I was way stronger than I thought I was. In the process, I got to see the me that God loves. All along the only thing keeping me from doing it was myself.

Three. Get real again. Don’t set yourself up for failure. Everyone says that a person should exercise first thing in the morning. I would always fail because I am NOT a morning person. Figure out how to make exercise doable for you. It has truly become a break for me. I like exercising in the afternoon. I decided my older kids could watch their baby sister after school two times a week for an hour. It’s the least they could do for me when I do so much for them. (Again I had to love myself enough to believe this to really be true – all part of the journey) A lot of the time the baby is napping and it isn’t a big deal. I only run three times a week. On Saturday my husband does baby duty. It has been working just fine for me for 6 months. 6 months. Wow, I didn’t realize it had been that long. I kind of feel proud of myself. See! See, how I just wrote “kind of: ?Downplaying!  That is what I do when it comes to my body. So excuse me while I say, “I am damn proud of myself.” I hope the Lord will forgive me for taking up the d word for a bit. It helps me get through to myself.

So I guess my answer is this. It’s a journey. An old Latin saying is “know thyself.” Knowing thyself is a journey that everyone should take. It’s scary. It’s actually totally debilitating for a lot of us, but it is so worth it. Because really, you are amazing. You are loved by the Supreme Creator, the Father of all. He wants you to love yourself like he loves you. The only way you can love yourself is to figure out how you don’t love yourself and change. The change starts in your mind.

So, I like to sing to myself when I get unmotivated. You’re gonna love me. Sometimes I just have to fake myself out. I have to tell myself that I am going to love me on the days that I know I don’t. Here’s your soundtrack. Get started. You won’t regret it.

The best thing about being at the bottom is that it gives you more reason to be pleased with yourself. Other people are worried about getting to that 8 minute mile mark. I am fighting against nobody but the couch. If I get off the couch I win. When you have neglected yourself for so long, the only way to go is up and out. Every time you get on the treadmill you feel like a rockstar. It’s totally awesome. I want that feeling for you. I have only lost 20 pounds. I mean I have lost 20 pounds!!! Amazing. See how that works. It’s all in the mind.