Happiness

Counting My Blessings

It’s been a little over two months since I took God up on his challenge to quit my job and work on being more present at home, simultaneously starting this blog to record my journey. I can honestly say it’s been a wonderful two months. The first month was extremely challenging but somewhere in the past few weeks something has changed within me. Like they say in the “Wicked” music: “something is not the same.”

It’s amazing to me when I do what God has asked, He seems to always shower me with unexpected blessings that never could have been anticipated. For instance, I feel a tremendous amount of peace. I know it may seem silly to say I didn’t anticipate peace; don’t we always get more peace when we follow God? But truly living on the budget that he was requiring of me and hanging out with my kids more seemed like it would bring anything but peace. Miraculously though I feel more peace then I ever have before. The peace I feel is by far the greatest blessing I have received as a direct result from this inloveathome experiment.

I can’t help but think of a scripture from The Book of Mormon

Mosiah 2:24 “And secondly, he doth require that ye should do as he hath commanded you; for which if ye do, he doth immediately bless you; and therefore he hath paid you. And ye are still indebted unto him, and are, and will be, forever and ever; therefore, of what have ye to boast?”

Last month when I was struggling I asked my FB friends how they overcame times when they weren’t happy and one of the overwhelming responses was they counted their blessings. Counting my blessings is a practice that always brings me greater happiness, so I am excited to share it with you. I thought it would be fun to list some other blessings I’ve received over the past two months. I hope to do this from time to time – sometimes I have so many blessings stirring around in my head it gets rather crowded. I hope if I write them here I can make some room upstairs to ponder the new ones. I also hope that this record will stand as a living testament that God is aware of all of his children and that he does shower us with blessings if we are willing to follow Him.

1. A friend brought over 4 pounds of sausage just to show her love and support.

2. Another friend e-mailed me about how I inspire her as she is quitting her job too.

3. My sister complimented me on my willingness to follow the promptings of the spirit.

4. My sister-in-law and two friends gave my girls some cute second-hand clothes.

5. With a coupon and some trade-ins, we were able to buy Bella a used softball batting helmet for $4.

6. Abigail’s old cleats fit Sophia just in time for soccer camp.

7. A friend gave me her milk and eggs that would go bad when she went on vacation. The milk was just enough to tide us over til payday.

8. I was able to work miracles with the budget at the beginning of June and even send our dads a very small Father’s Day gift. Gift-giving makes me happy. LG and I were also able to exchange very small and simple Fathers and Mothers Day gifts but they were meaningful and appreciated.

9. We were able to afford swim lessons and soccer camp for the kids.

10. We have the pass of all passes that has given us a lot of free entertainment this summer.

11. Our cars are still running. One day the A/C in my van started making a really funky noise, and I dreaded the thought of taking our kids across the desert to my parent’s 50th reunion coming up. I prayed and said, “Heavenly Father, if you feel like us not having an A/C is a trial that will teach us something, let us be ready to learn it, and let me be cheerful, and if not, please let it keep working til we can afford to pay for it.” The sound went away the very next day and so far it is still working. Thank you to my Heavenly Father!!

12. LG and I have been making some real breakthroughs at marriage counseling. We have a wonderful marriage counselor that we found through an online friend whom I only know because of my old blog. It looks like we will be able to finish up with counseling just in time to utilize the same amount of money we are paying monthly now to pay for Abigail’s braces.

13. We got a check that was $500 more than we expected from our former mortgage company settlement and it is just the amount we were short to pay for our upcoming family reunion so I don’t have to keep scrounging to make do.

14. We’ve been reading a lot this summer and because a friend of mine has been on bed-rest, I’ve been able to share my love for the library with her three children too. Sometimes service opportunities are the best blessings.

15. Sophia’s arm-cast fell off all by itself so we didn’t have to pay the doctor to remove it.

16. My bike hasn’t gotten a flat tire all summer and it’s such a great way for me to find joy and serenity when I need it.

17. We were able to get the kids some summer clothes at the thrift-store 50% off. We’ve been able to give Abigail and Caroline nice birthday celebrations. Abigail is a teenager who is happy to use her birthday money to shop at thrift-stores and second hand stores. Talk about miracles.

18. LG has been gaining confidence at work and with his new calling at church to work with the Young Men.

19. Abigail and I both have broken iPhone screens but the phones keep on working.

20. I feel closer to my kids.

I feel grateful for every little miracle. You may call them coincidences or will argue that they would have happened anyway but everywhere I go, I see God’s hand in my life, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I am so grateful and I am so blessed.

Pooping in Peace

I felt euphoric in the bathroom a moment ago. I had just finished cleaning my room (which is always the last place to get attention), folding three loads of laundry, and parking Caroline in front of a Barbie movie. Because I had already done a lot of the household duties for the day and given Caroline enough attention this morning (so she was happy to veg and watch TV for a bit), I found myself able to use the restroom in total peace.

I am always astounded to think that there are actually people in this world who don’t know the bliss one can have by just being left alone to do their business. Does anyone else find that motherhood is one big long lesson of learning to appreciate all the things you took for granted before? At least 50% of the time while I am in the bathroom, one of my older kids (who are not so young anymore mind you – 9,11, and 13) comes barging in with non-emergency items of business. I sometimes worry that in my obituary someone will write my catch phrase, “Really? This can’t wait 5 minutes? Get out of my bathroom! Please! Can’t a mom just poop in peace?”

I really wonder if I will become totally constipated once I am an empty-nester. I don’t think my body will know what to do with a completely quiet bathroom.

So while I was in the bathroom just enjoying the moment of peace I pondered on WHY I felt so happy? Was it just the moment of peace and quiet or was it more? I came up with the fact that over the previous 12 hours I had done some things just for me. Last night LG and I snuck away to see the late $5 movie of StarTrek. We had a blast and it was a bit nostalgic for me as we used to watch Star Trek every night at 11 p.m. as newlyweds. (It was the only channel that came in without paying for cable) This morning a friend texted me unexpectedly and we went and got a Jamba Juice together. I am such an extrovert and often forget to feed my personal need for human relations.

So today’s chores (although the same as every other day) didn’t seem typically mundane; I didn’t mind them as much. I was able to power through them and see them for what they are: a necessary evil. Getting them done after I already had some fun and before a nice quiet moment to myself in the bathroom made my life a lot happier today.

Mom advice to myself for the future: sandwich the mundane between the non-mundane and start locking the door to the bathroom.

The little things

I am missing out on the joys of life because I don’t take the time to see them.
I am pretty good at enjoying the wonders of nature,
but not so good at noticing other little things.

On Sunday evening we gathered for evening family prayer and we discussed what we had learned at church that day. I was floored by Abigail’s response. She said,
“I learned that within me there is a little light. My light can combine with others’ little lights and we can light up the whole world.”
Wow. Thank you to good teachers at church. Someone had a profound effect on Abigail Sunday.

It’s little things like this that I don’t take time to
1-talk about
and
2-completely process.

This is a photo from a few weeks ago while Sophia participated in the local yearly
“Hope of America” production. Her little light is in there somewhere.

This past weekend we had the most beautiful full moon I’ve ever seen.

This photo doesn’t do it justice but the moon was ginormous, and while riding in the car as a family as we ascended the hill toward our house, I was almost in tears. At the bottom of the hill I pointed out to the family how cool it was that you couldn’t see the moon at all, but you could see its light peeking out around the mountain. By the time we got to the top of the hill, the moon was revealed.

I wished I was on top of the mountain so I could reach out and touch it. As I stopped and voiced my awe my family voiced their frustrations with me that I get overly excited about stuff like that. Someday they will honor that quality in me at my funeral.

Talk about light. This world is so beautiful.

Another thing that annoys my family,
I love this flag.
I photograph it about every time I am stopped at the light.
It has a different kind of beauty every time I see it nestled in with the mountains.

I love how the view of the same mountain can be seen millions of ways.

Traditions are connecting.
I can’t go to a baseball game without sunflower seeds.

When I run I look for treasure.
I always find at least one penny and it makes me feel lucky.

Relationships are one of life’s greatest joys.
I need to take more time to enjoy them.
Five of my six siblings got together for brunch Saturday
(without kids to distract from good conversation.)
It was a highlight of my week to sit and laugh with them all.

A dear friend brought me a favorite dessert last night and we sat and chatted for about an hour.
It felt so good to listen and understand her more and to talk and know that I am really heard.

I don’t take enough time to enjoy the fruits of others’ labors.

I know for a fact that I don’t enjoy this girls’ shenanigans enough.
Someday she will be grown up and I won’t have the opportunity to laugh at her innocence, silliness, or naughtiness.

Sentimental things make me truly happy.
When we got #64 at Carl’s Junior a few weeks back,
I was transported back to Elm Street in 1990.
My friends frequented the place often,
and once in a while you’d be lucky enough to get a lucky number with sentimental value
like your brother’s football number.

Lastly, while running errands LG and I
took 5 minutes to step into the pet store
just because we could.
These puppies were SO cute.

There is so much to enjoy in this life
that doesn’t cost a dime.
I am making it a goal to see it.
All of it.

Yesterday

I struggled yesterday. It was kind of the opposite of the Beatles song where “all my troubles seem so far away”. I was hating life. I just didn’t want to be here at home. I didn’t want to be at the mercy of my family for another day. I could blame it on my anti-depressant still kicking back in or my lack of sleep, but what it really boils down to is that I was lacking the light. I had burned it out with my negativity and selfishness. I didn’t start my day out with the family or with my God in study and prayer, but stayed in bed letting LG take care of getting the girls out the door. Then when Caroline insisted on my attention just a half an hour later my resentment began and just seemed to grow throughout the day.

I put a little ditty out on facebook asking friends for advice on how they are happy at home: I got all kinds of advice, none of which was anything new that I don’t know already. When my first attempt for help on facebook didn’t work, I called a good friend and begged to know the trick to being happy. Surprisingly she said she had no idea. I was so validated by both my friend on the phone and another honest friend on facebook who told me she struggles too. I realized that I didn’t need advice, but validation and support. The validation I had received from two of my many friends (interesting how so many dished out advice instead of encouragement) was wonderful, but I knew what I really needed was the same from my higher power. I needed to chase out the darkness with light.

At about 3 o’clock while watching Abigail nap on the couch, I had this overwhelming want for the same. Even though I knew I wasn’t really tired, I just wanted to escape.

I thought of all the friends’ earlier advice about taking time for myself and knew that although that advice was good, it wasn’t a long-term solution to finding peace and joy being home.

I went to my room and got down on my knees. I prayed to God, “I’m really struggling today God, show me the better way.”

I can’t explain it, but I got up from that prayer with an increased desire to serve my family. I decided I would iron LG’s work shirts. Because I quit my job we don’t have enough money this week for dry cleaning. Ironing is my most detested household chores. LG needed work shirts for training this week and I could be a help to him or ignore it and make him do it himself. I was shocked at how the ironing didn’t seem to be so dreadful. With each of the five shirts I felt an increased sense of happiness and love. I was choosing this for myself and God was there to do his magic. My resentment disintegrated with every puff of steam.

While ironing I pondered on the verse, “Come unto me all ye who are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” I wasn’t angry that I couldn’t afford to dry clean, but I was noticeably supported and enabled.

Wow. I didn’t know it could be that easy.

I then decided to serve my kids. I normally would try to avoid Caroline by doing the soccer carpool while leaving her home with her other two sisters. Instead I took her with me and we played at the park while waiting for the after-soccer commute. She was noticeably more delightful. (Caroline can be super high maintenance) She happily played and even let me sit and read for a bit.

I smiled while watching her interact with another boy on the playground saying, “Hey kid, come and get me.” As she adventured around the cement curbing, it took me back to when I was a kid and would do the same. From where I sat, I turned around to see Abigail out at the front in her soccer drills, and I swelled with pride. I marveled, “So this is what they call joy in my posterity.” Thanks be to God.

As the evening came to a close I was actually excited to spend an hour on folding the basket-full of socks that have been ignored for about a month. I turned on a movie which touched my heart and vowed to fold socks weekly and take some TV time for myself – it was actually a break. As I walked back to my room for bed I checked in on each of the girls. As I saw them sleeping comfortably I felt a full measure of joy at just the thought that they are all mine. By the time I got to my room, I felt compelled to my knees to thank God for my beautiful blessings. I haven’t felt like that in a long time, and I certainly don’t feel like that enough when it comes to my kids.

Yesterday, God made all the difference in my life. He literally took me from a dark place where I didn’t want to be to the place where “all my troubles seemed so far away”.

Motherhood: less work, more joy.

I had an epiphany this morning as I sat on the couch watching the girls get ready for school. One of the reasons I am not enjoying motherhood is because I associate it with work. Someone always wants something from me and I feel depleted much of the time.

I am a really hard worker. Work is an escape for me in a way, so when I am not happy, I just work harder and try not to think about stuff. I use my physical body as a barrier between my emotions and my reality. As they say, “I power through.”

This week at work has been especially exhausting. Tonight is my last night and the relief I feel to mark off this stressor in my life is a lot bigger than I had realized it would be. This morning after our morning family time, I gave myself permission to just sit and do nothing because I am physically and mentally drained.

I watched as Abigail ran out the door. LG came and gave me a kiss and slogged out to work. (I smiled knowing that he will be tired all day because spending time with me last night was important to him) Then Sophia ran out of her room and down the stairs to fetch a pair of pants from her laundry basket in the laundry room. She was in a newly acquired shirt (hand-downs are great) and just her undies and socks. Watching her backside try to stealth-fully trot made me smile. She was so cute with her little bum hanging out. It reminded me of when she was a baby. How those baby bums are delightful.

Then Bella came and asked me to braid her hair. It’s not a task I particularly enjoy and because I am usually in bed or running around like a chicken with my head cut off, she doesn’t ask it of me. Just being on the couch made me available for something that makes her happy. In that moment I felt joy. I felt the joy of motherhood.

My epiphany: I am missing out on the joy of motherhood because I allow myself to be too busy to feel it. I have to slow down. I have to quit working so hard. I don’t need to use all my time as a mother working, I need to use a lot more of my time as a mother to breathe in the beautiful people in my life.