FunnyBlog

Middle School Malady
Summer is over.
I am sending Abigail to school with the big boys.

And I fear for her because
I still have Middle School nightmares.

Here are some examples:

(LG says they are sad,
but really people,
read with a sense of humor,
comedy stems from tragedy,
and I laughed as I wrote
every single one of these
because
what doesn’t kill you,
makes you stronger.)


1 – That one black kid who used to tease me incessantly that I was fat
is at it again. And I am stuck waiting for science class, and I can’t escape.

2 – I am at school naked
running through the halls
at Valley Jr. High.
(Funny, that was really the name of my school
in CA, even during the infamous
Warning: Song has language and sexual content)
Like totally awesome.

3 – I am at Magic Mountain riding roller coasters all alone.
(I didn’t go on the school’s 8th grade trip
because my only friends Melanie and Angela weren’t going
and who was I going to hang out with?)

4 – I am learning how to type things in DOS.
goto
HELP.

5 – I am dressed up like a mummy,
except I’m duddy, because my sister is mummy,
and we thought it would be funny if we coordinated
including the cabbage patch mummy who was bubby.
And I reek like ketchup
because that is what we used for the blood.
And my mom didn’t tell us better.
Probably because we wouldn’t listen to her anyway,
and she figured we could learn the hard way.
And I am stuck at school
and it’s only 2nd period
and I can’t stand the smell of myself
and Bubby is stuffed in my locker.

6 – I am dissecting frogs.
Or trying to hide under the table.

7 – I am eating Little Debbie Nutty Butty bars,
and cafeteria chocolate chip cookies,
and school pizza (still my favorite).
And I can’t stop myself,
I just keep eating and eating until I am sick.
All I drink is soda or chocolate milk
And I am wondering why I am so fat.

8 – My hair is huge.
And it won’t un-frizz.

9 – And I am stuck in the nurse’s office with a hole in the butt of my pants,
and I don’t want to tell her that a dog bit me on the way to school.
Because I have been warned not to play with strange dogs.
But I can either walk around school with my undies hanging out,
or risk telling my mom what happened.

10 – I am bored out of my mind
in History class,
but my teacher is so hot,
I can’t concentrate.

11 – I am so sad because I didn’t make Choraliers.
And all the cool kids love to dance and sing.
But, I could only sing,
and not dance.

12 – I am stuck in the library
once in 7th and once in 8th grade
because my mom doesn’t think that the public schools
should teach kids about sex ed,
and I wasn’t as smart as my brother and sister
to forge her signature
on the permission slip.

13 – I am standing there all awkward
And it doesn’t matter to anyone
that I had tried to be invisible
for the past two years
and now they were just
proving to me that I was out to be humiliated.

14 – And last, but certainly not least,
I can’t remember
my dang locker combination
for the 1ooth time.

Oh, my dear Abigail.

Welcome to the worst years of your life.

And whenever you are having a really bad day,
remember that you are WAY better off
than your mom ever was
because
1 – you aren’t fat,
and
2 – you have an amazing memory
that will keep you from ever
forgetting your locker combination.

I wish you would always listen to me
so that you wouldn’t have to learn the hard way
But, that is just part of growing up.
In times of trial,
when you are saying,
“I should have listened to my mom”
know this,
I will be there to rescue you
when it gets really really bad.
Because
nobody on this earth
loves you more than I do.


And
I would never let you
wear a Halloween costume
doused in Heinz ketchup
past 4th period.

Love is everything
Last week, I kissed my husband at the dinner table
and asked my kids if they knew how much I loved their dad.
All the girls gave a rapid yes
while covering their eyes and giving us the pukes.
I kept kissing.
And then asked,
“How do you know.”
Bella answered eagerly.
“Because you have four kids.”
LG about sprayed his Crystal Lite Lemonde
in the baby’s face.

“Right”, I told her.
And then declared to LG that I was going to have a great blog post.

Happy Anniversary to my husband of 13 years.
Who made this message possible.
With some good love making.

There are certain spelling mistakes that this mother can overlook.
Especially when it comes to love.

Oops
Look, Sophia got baptized.
We are so proud of her decision to take upon the name of Christ.
And, she is gorgeous.
Can you believe she picked this dress
at the thrift store for $3.
She HAD to have it.
It’s so Sophia.

“When was the big day”, you ask?
“In October 2009, on her 8th birthday.”
Oh, it’s August 2010; I must be late posting.

No, I just took this picture 2 weeks ago.
Because I realized that I had forgot.

Lucky for me, Sophia is really easy going.
And she can’t be mad at me for forgetting.
Because she covenanted to be Christ-like.

I wonder how long it will take for me to
remember child #3’s baptism picture?

Have I ever told you that mothers lose
brain cells with every pregnancy?
I am pretty sure that this old wives’ tale is true

(I have to say that my stone house makes a perfect backdrop.)

It’s too bad that Caroline was only 4 months old back then.
I may have gotten away with it.

Nothin’ Sexier.

The only thing this video is missing is LeGrand. Totally awesome.

I hope my stay at home brother in law Jordan will really appreciate it.

I wish you could all see Caroline rockin’ out right now.

It’s no wonder why they do it.

Nothin’ sexier than spreadin’ your posterity all over the world.
(preferably in the bounds of marriage)

www v.God

Last week I was without internet for two days.
You would think that someone had come along and stole half my brain.
It seemed I couldn’t get anything done.
It was like my life had turned into a picture taken with a 2 pixel camera.
Everything was still there, but I just couldn’t get it into good focus.
I just read this article by a Father Jim and it inspired me
to remember that sometimes I don’t go to the BEST resource for answers.
I can rely on God for answers a whole lot more than I do.
But, even though I do believe in God and going to Him for answers
I am not sure how much he would have helped me
with the following dilemmas that I faced
while being without my bestfriend the www.
I couldn’t figure out what to cook without allrecipes.com.
How was I supposed to find my way to the new doctor’s office without mapquest.com?
I couldn’t call Abigail’s new school because I didn’t have a way to look up the number.
Apparently I forgot how to use a phone book. Even if I could remember how to use one, actually finding it would be a whole different story.
I couldn’t go grocery shopping because I was unable to make my master plan without my most glorious coupon matcher Jenny at southernsavers.
What was going on in the world? How would I know without cnn.com or my local knoxnews?
I couldn’t study my scriptures without lds.org. O.k. I actually still read from the paper Bible, but I couldn’t use my study guides to help me along like usual, much less the words that I usually read from modern church leaders to enhance my understanding.
I can’t renew my books without knoxlib.org.
I couldn’t pay bills without access to my online accounts…not telling you what they are.
I couldn’t check that finished book off my list at goodreads.
I had no idea how much money I had (which probably wasn’t much anyway)
without instant access to my checking account.
Pre-ordering movies from redbox was impossible.
I would have to go and hope for the best in line at the machine.
The girls were driving me crazy without their youtube and littlepetshops fixes.
It seems I can’t even spell without dictionary.com.
And, maybe the worst of all, I didn’t even know WHERE I was supposed to be.
This year I converted my usual fridge calendar to google calendar
and I was really feeling lost without it.
The only way I knew where I was supposed to be
was to call my husband and have him look it up on his phone.
“Um, Alice, you were supposed to be at play group an hour ago.”
“Ah, man, I knew I was forgetting something.”
I couldn’t access family pictures.
How can I even mother without the random things that I use google for on an hourly basis.?
I’ve talked about my love for google in the past.
Let me give you some words I have recently typed into the search engine:
how to remove carpet glue from flooring,
treatments for ________rash,
signs of menopause,
home remedies for dog’s with dry skin,
what’s the difference between ADD and ADHD?,
codependence support groups online,
campsites in TN,
and the list could seriously go on for another page…
and that is all just from the last few hours of today.
None of these ordinary modern inconveniences even touch how isolated I felt from the world
without my e-mail, blog, blog reader, and facebook.
I guess I am not the only one who has become too dependent on the internet.
I recently heard my Bishop get up and speak when there was unexpected time left in a meeting. He got up on the spot and read a really good quote….
straight from his phone.
He said, “I would be lost without google.”
I will give him this though,
I am pretty sure God told him to read that quote.
And after my few blurry days last week,
all I’ve got to say is
“It’s just a good thing that God has google.”
How else could he expect the Bishop to pull out that sermon in two seconds flat?