Summer is over.
I am sending Abigail to school with the big boys.
And I fear for her because
I still have Middle School nightmares.
Here are some examples:
(LG says they are sad,
but really people,
read with a sense of humor,
comedy stems from tragedy,
and I laughed as I wrote
every single one of these
what doesn’t kill you,
makes you stronger.)
1 – That one black kid who used to tease me incessantly that I was fat
is at it again. And I am stuck waiting for science class, and I can’t escape.
2 – I am at school naked
running through the halls
at Valley Jr. High.
(Funny, that was really the name of my school
in CA, even during the infamous
80’s Valley Girls song
Warning: Song has language and sexual content)
Like totally awesome.
3 – I am at Magic Mountain riding roller coasters all alone.
(I didn’t go on the school’s 8th grade trip
because my only friends Melanie and Angela weren’t going
and who was I going to hang out with?)
4 – I am learning how to type things in DOS.
5 – I am dressed up like a mummy,
except I’m duddy, because my sister is mummy,
and we thought it would be funny if we coordinated
including the cabbage patch mummy who was bubby.
And I reek like ketchup
because that is what we used for the blood.
And my mom didn’t tell us better.
Probably because we wouldn’t listen to her anyway,
and she figured we could learn the hard way.
And I am stuck at school
and it’s only 2nd period
and I can’t stand the smell of myself
and Bubby is stuffed in my locker.
6 – I am dissecting frogs.
Or trying to hide under the table.
7 – I am eating Little Debbie Nutty Butty bars,
and cafeteria chocolate chip cookies,
and school pizza (still my favorite).
And I can’t stop myself,
I just keep eating and eating until I am sick.
All I drink is soda or chocolate milk
And I am wondering why I am so fat.
8 – My hair is huge.
And it won’t un-frizz.
9 – And I am stuck in the nurse’s office with a hole in the butt of my pants,
and I don’t want to tell her that a dog bit me on the way to school.
Because I have been warned not to play with strange dogs.
But I can either walk around school with my undies hanging out,
or risk telling my mom what happened.
10 – I am bored out of my mind
in History class,
but my teacher is so hot,
I can’t concentrate.
11 – I am so sad because I didn’t make Choraliers.
And all the cool kids love to dance and sing.
But, I could only sing,
and not dance.
12 – I am stuck in the library
once in 7th and once in 8th grade
because my mom doesn’t think that the public schools
should teach kids about sex ed,
and I wasn’t as smart as my brother and sister
to forge her signature
on the permission slip.
13 – I am standing there all awkward
And it doesn’t matter to anyone
that I had tried to be invisible
for the past two years
and now they were just
proving to me that I was out to be humiliated.
14 – And last, but certainly not least,
I can’t remember
my dang locker combination
for the 1ooth time.
Welcome to the worst years of your life.
And whenever you are having a really bad day,
remember that you are WAY better off
than your mom ever was
1 – you aren’t fat,
2 – you have an amazing memory
that will keep you from ever
forgetting your locker combination.
I wish you would always listen to me
so that you wouldn’t have to learn the hard way
But, that is just part of growing up.
In times of trial,
when you are saying,
“I should have listened to my mom”
I will be there to rescue you
when it gets really really bad.
nobody on this earth
loves you more than I do.
I would never let you
wear a Halloween costume
doused in Heinz ketchup
past 4th period.