FunnyBlog

School of Hard Knocks

I am not totally sure my husband is going to be o.k. with this post.
Which means, you should definitely keep reading.

As many of you know, LG’s law practice was a huge trial of our faith.
LG was able to help a lot of people and do some amazing things,
but it never paid out like it needed to.
In fact, The State of Tennessee was so bad about paying
their court appointments, that many times we waited over 6 months
for LG to be paid for his work.
That is 6 months, after he submitted his claims.
When you do juvenile work,
your cases can drag on and on and on.
So he would work on a case for years sometimes
before he could even submit his claim for payment.
And then after he submitted,
we would wait and wait and wait.
I e-mailed the governor about this travesty twice.

It just seemed wrong that the State never had any trouble
paying out their welfare, food-stamps, and Medicaid,
but when you were a hard working attorney
living with no health insurance or food stamps or welfare,
and had four kids to feed,
the State would turn their back on you.
Must be a bunch of Democrats.
Maybe that isn’t fair to say,
but I feel like saying it.
Government is flawed people.
Even if you are a Republican.
Government will never run as
efficiently as the private sector.

But really,
it is just wrong.
My husband busted his tail every day,
lived with humongous amounts of stress,
taking care of hundreds of clients
who had more than he did.
Because even though they were on drugs,
and beating their spouses,
and abusing their kids,
and didn’t work,
they lived off the very same government
that refused to pay out the dues that my husband had rightfully earned.

Anyhow, looking back there are a lot of things we would have done differently,
but what is the use in looking back?
Ultimately, we know we prayed and got revelation in our lives
for what we should have done, and we did the best we could.
God’s will is important to us.
Even if it isn’t important to you.

So, LG was forced to close his practice.
We had no income for months.
Nothing.
Nada.
Guess what?
Our credit got screwed.
Much like a lot of other Americans out there,
we are pretty much starting over.

Which is another trial of our faith.
On a daily basis.
But I am grateful every day that LG’s employer

offered him his current position.
It’s a great job
with a quarter of the stress.
And it comes with
health benefits, a consistent paycheck,
and people who appreciate my husband
on a daily basis.
So life is getting better every day.

But, there is always the flipside to the coin.
Yesterday, I heard back about that second interview.
You are going to cry for me
when you hear what I was told.

I basically had the job,
but was denied for one reason,
and one reason alone.
My credit check.

Doesn’t that seem like a Catch 22?
I decide to get a job,
to help my hubby dig us out of the hole,
and a company that I have already given
much reliable service to
decides that I am not reliable enough
for an entry level position
(a lower position than I used to hold)
because of my screwed up credit.

The craziest part, is my credit is not
screwed up because of anything that I personally did.
Unless you want to count the fact
that I did my best to support my husband
in doing what God told him to do.
I’ve been a stay at home mom
for heaven sakes.
Didn’t you read that on my resume?

For eight years,
we scraped by on nothing
while raising kids,
seeking education,
giving church service,
and community service,
and running a law practice that helped the less fortunate.
And it all came crashing down.
Right on top of us.

So, what do I have to say?
Your loss NuSkin.
I still love you,
but I think you are very narrow minded.

And last night
I cried a little bit
while telling friends that
I just have to continue to put my trust in God.
Because I know He will consecrate
all my heartaches for my good,
if I let Him.
And He will sanctify me
in my trials.
And He has to have something better out there.

Even if it was just that
I could cry with friends,
buy and eat a $4 piece of chocolate cheescake
without an ounce of guilt,
and watch Glee re-runs all night.

It was amazing.
I gave myself permission
to be bummed
for just one day.
And I woke up this morning
feeling totally cool with it.

I don’t know why I am willing
to air my dirty laundry like this
out there for the whole world to see,
but I think it’s because
posts like these
are usually the ones that resonate with
my readers the most.

And if every company out there
won’t hire me because our credit
got screwed during months of
unemployment,
I might as well be as honest as I can on my blog
because it may be my only chance at making  a little money.

And if I tell you that I have hope
because of Jesus Christ,
it may give someone else out there
struggling
a little hope too.

Screw you Corporate America.
Screw you Government America.
Watch me make money
with Google AdSense.
It’s the wave of the future.

I am not going to tell you
to click on an ad
because I signed a contract that I wouldn’t
and after this post
it would just be pathetic.

I am going to apply for a job
with every single one
of NuSkin’s competitors.
And I am even thinking about sending
this link along to the founder
Blake Roney.

Just because
I am a fighter.

How the heck do you think I am still surviving?

Now – the soundtrack plays in your mind –
It’s a hard enough life for us.
It’s a hard enough life for us.
No one cares for you a smidge,
when you’re in an _____________.

Feel free to fill in the blank.

The Abbey Road Show
We had the great privilege of witnessing
the Abbey Road Show
in Provo
last Friday, July 1st.
Local Provo artists
covered the songs from 
The Beatles’ 
Abbey Road.
And they were
A-MAZ-ING!!
I think it was on my facebook
on our way home from the concert
that I said that they were better than
the original.
And I meant it.
You know how we are
true Beatles fans
around here.
I would never say that 
The Provosts 
were better than the original
lightly.
Ryan Innes was my favorite.
Go and check him out.
It was the most amazing concert
I’ve ever attended.
And if the whole concert wasn’t good enough,
guess how it ended?
Me snuggled up to LG
watching 3 of our 4 kids
rock out
to our favorite
Hey Jude.
The song was awesome.
And then as if God was
putting his own stamp of approval
on the experience
(as it was an experience,
not just a concert)
fireworks started going off all around us.
I won’t lie.
I teared up.
Quite possibly,
this concert made my
life’s 
Top 10 
moments.
Seriously.
And guess what?

At the beginning of the concert,
before very many people had arrived.
I walked right past 
that CJane
and I didn’t even say Hi.
Because she is too good for me.
And I am not giving her the time of day.
And I didn’t want to 
sound desperate like the other girl
who was saying,
“I know you don’t know me,
but I have a blog,
and I follow yours religiously.”
CJane’s response:
“Oh, don’t we all know each other?”
Oh really then?
Why don’t you return my e-mails,
if you know me?
Huh? Huh?
Not all bloggers are created equal.
And LG says my best revenge
will be to get a greater 
readership.
Which I will do.
And when her 5 minutes of fame are over
and mine are happening,
I will show her how to be nice,
and I will return her e-mail.
Oh yeah,
back to the
most amazing concert.
I will give it to CJane
about her rooftop series.
Best concert of all time.
Really.
Even if I am pretty sure that the
people who set up for the concert,
set up chairs and blankets in
any good viewing spot of the stage
early in the day
I won’t hold a grudge.
As we could hear the music, 
and that is all that matters really.
We were maybe number 50-55 to arrive
and there was not a single place to
lay out our blankets  
where we could actually see the stage. 
boo hiss!

But really – 
Mountains.
Rooftop.
Paper lanterns.
The NuSkin towers’ reflection
of the mountains.
Hoards of music lovers.
The Beatles.
Amazing musicians.
Perfect weather.
Families
dancing together
and
Fireworks.
What else could a girl
ever ask for?
Not much.
Except a returned e-mail.
Or five?
Enjoy the photos.
And if you have never listened
to Judicial LG’s version
of Hey Jude.
You must head over now.
So bad
and hilarious.
(You can forgo CJane’s write-up and just go here for the video of the Hey Jude experience)

Artist Cherie Call.
She was 
the opening act.

There she is.
It’s the best picture I could get with my little camera.
Like I said,
even though we arrived plenty early,
the only spots left
were in the back.
Waaaaay back.

The kids loved the street vendors.
Caroline wanted a doll really bad.
Caroline can’t wait for the music to start.

She’s got her dance on.

Oh, and do you remember the people watching we did last time?
And I told you that LG and I have a hard time understanding up to date fashion?
Check out this guy’s butt.
I have no idea why he thinks that skinny jeans can be worn like a gangster.
We got shot after shot of his underwear throughout the night.
I wonder if he would even care
if he knew we were checking him out.

Glad we had something to make us laugh
while we were waiting for the music to start.

Don’t miss the fireworks.

So, on Saturday night at 10 pm, LG and I were walking out of the temple.
Yes, this temple. How amazing is that?

From our view up on the hill, there were fireworks going off all over the valley. It was absolutely breathtaking.

LG informed me that The Stadium of Fire would be happening any moment. For some reason, in my mind, I thought that it was going to happen on the actual 4th.

I decided we should hurry home and find a spot to watch the fireworks.

To my dismay, when we got home, the kids had no interest whatsoever in breaking away from the TV.

I pried their bodies and eyes from the tube, and made them pile in the car. I was not about to miss the fireworks, especially after this post.

As we drove down State street (Utah Valley’s version of Knoxville’s Kingston Pike) I was overwhelmed by so many US flags lit up along the road. The patriotism of Utahns is not only efficacious but admirable. People either love America here or they display their stars and stripes to compete with all the other businesses. And by all, I mean ALL. Everyone has a flag. Everyone.

The kids were grumbling during the whole drive.
Why do we have to do this?
We don’t want to watch the fireworks.
Let’s just go back home.
wah wah wah.

I told them to keep their eyes on the flags and to sing along.
I started loud and strong:

This land is your land, this land is my land….nothing but my voice.
Oh beautiful, for spacious skies….again, nothing from the back seats.
She’s a grand old flag, she’s a high flying flag….”Shut up, mom.”
God bless America….”Really, Alice, do you have to sing so loud?” said quietly by LG so the kids wouldn’t hear; I’m assuming he didn’t want to totally stomp on my love for country.
I’m proud to be an American….(even louder than before)

By this time the kids were all horrified and hating their mother and her motherland.

And guess what? By the time we got to Provo’s end of State from our northern end of Orem’s State, all we could see was traffic. The traffic was heading towards us, not with us.

Yes, I hate to tell you, Murphy’s Law is still in full effect, and has no respect for a nation’s holiday celebrated two days early or a very loud and song singing patriotic mother. We had missed the fireworks.

More grumbling, complaining, and whining ensued.

LG and I were not about to miss a good opportunity for teaching our kids.

Me: “Knock it off you guys, at least we still live in a country that has firework celebrations.”
LG: “There are a lot of kids in this world that would die to be in this car right now.”
Me: “Or to even have a car.”
LG: “Or to have a mother.”
Abigail: “Not if their mom sang like that.”
Me: “Especially if their mom sang like that.”
LG: “Yeah, think of all the kids out there that don’t live a country where they have mothers.” (O.k. I just made that up.) I think he really said, “You should be grateful for a mother who can sing, and cook, and do laundry.”

Abigail: “At least parents in other countries would be smart enough NOT to drive their family into the middle of the traffic jam, especially when their family missed the show.”
Me: “Well, at least there are other Americans with cars.”
LG: “And at least your mom can see in the dark and drive.”
Bella: “Mom, STOP!” (I admit it I barely missed that car in front of me.)

Anyhow, the conversation went on for a bit. And there was no chance of it stopping.
[In fact, it can still be happening if you want to comment what your best line would have been to the kids.]

Quietly, ever so quietly and with her Gold sense of perfect timing, Sophia chimes in. She must have looked up from reading Harry Potter for long enough to gather her sisters’ desperation for winning at the “Be glad you are American” game.

What does she say?
Brace yourself.

“Man, I wished I lived in Canada.”

Seven words. That’s all it takes to make a total complete disaster of an evening all worth it.
Good one Phia. Good one.
Average Americans should really consider more than 2.5 kids; they make everything more fun.

I told the kids that if they would sing their favorite patriotic song at the top of their lungs, then I would indeed STOP.

Abigail was loud and proud. I wonder where she gets that from?
“I’m a yankee doodle dandy. A yankee doodle, do or die.”

I am sure that all that traffic surrounding us was so grateful that they didn’t miss the real entertainment of the evening as I rolled all windows down.

And If I do say so myself those frostys from Wendy’s were the perfect consolation prize for everyone involved. Nothing like good old American food.

And when the song Firework came on the radio. I promise you, not just momma was singing. Even dad got in on the falsetto. Perfection, pure perfection.

We didn’t miss a thing. The fireworks had been going off in our car all night long.

And guess what? Utah loosened their firework laws this year. We can now shoot off 150 foot rockets from our very own neighborhoods. And on the real 4th of July, the sky was lit up in every direction we could turn. Our culdesac of fire was a billion times better than their Stadium of Fire. Fireworks in the sky on all four sides, coming from everywhere.

God bless America.

This land

This land is your land, this land is my land
From California, to the New York Island
From the redwood forest, to the gulf stream waters
This land was made for you and me

As I was walking a ribbon of highway
I saw above me an endless skyway
I saw below me a golden valley
This land was made for you and me


I’ve roamed and rambled and I’ve followed my footsteps
To the sparkling sands of her diamond deserts
And all around me a voice was sounding
This land was made for you and me


The sun comes shining as I was strolling
The wheat fields waving and the dust clouds rolling
The fog was lifting a voice come chanting
This land was made for you and me

As I was walkin’ – I saw a sign there
And that sign said – no tress passin’
But on the other side …. it didn’t say nothin!
Now that side was made for you and me!


In the squares of the city – In the shadow of the steeple
Near the relief office – I see my people
And some are grumblin’ and some are wonderin’
If this land’s still made for you and me.

Recovery
I am so grateful that there are 12 step groups
within the LDS church.

Working the12 steps has changed my life.
I will be always indebted to
Cokesbury Methodist Celebrate Recovery
where my journey
with overcoming codependency began.

I am also so totally grateful for my
weekly support group
here in Utah
that happens to be at the LDS church.
It’s great to share the 12 steps with
my brothers and sisters in the gospel.

Here is an awesome news story
about the LDS 12 step program.
It’s a breathe of fresh air to me
to see the honesty.

So many people need recovery
from so many addictions.
This program is truly inspired.
I encourage you with all my heart
to find a program near you
if you feel you need help.

Codependency is tricky.
It’s not as obvious for the sufferers.
If you have an addict in your life,
and sometimes feel personally out of control,
I also encourage you to research codependency
to see if you can be helped.

July’s Game – Joke Contest

If you don’t feel like reading my lead up, just scroll to the bottom and hit the read more button to get the skinny on entering into the July contest for a $20 gift-card of your choice.

The neighbor girls keep telling this really lame joke about a Chinese man who gets to marry a princess because unlike the American or the Italian, he was able to keep his camel from pooping in the dessert voyage. “Me stick cork up camel’s bum.” Then all the kids roar in laughter. I remain dumbfounded.

When I was a kid we had a joke that we thought was HILARIOUS.
It went something like this:
A doctor, a police officer, and a lawyer were captured on a deserted island by savages.
The savages tied them to a tree and told them that they would be dead by sundown.
They said, “We’re savages, but we’re civilized savages, so before we kill you, we’ll tell you what we are going to do to you. We are going to drink all your blood. We are going to use your bones for jewelry. And we are going to use your skin to build canoes.” Then they granted all three one last wish.
The doctor requested a knife and slit his wrists and bled to death.
The police officer requested a rope and hung himself.
The lawyer requested a fork. He proceeded to poke himself all over and resiliently proclaimed,
“To heck with your canoes.”

Hundreds of times, this joke was retold and every joke teller was guaranteed a laugh by all listeners. Nothing like that to encourage a girl to grow up and write on a blog that tries to make people laugh.

So I got an idea.
My contest for July is a joke sharing contest.

It is up to you to share a joke that you think will make my husband and children laugh the hardest.
You can take it off the internet or give me the best you had as a child, but whoever makes them laugh the loudest and longest, will be proclaimed my winner.

The one catch is that the joke must be about three people. The american, italian and german. Or the Bishop, Relief Society President, or primary kid. Or the mom, dad, and grandma….

And get this! If you win, you will receive a $20 gift-card of your choice from me.

You have the whole month to enter here. You can even tell your friends, if you don’t mind some healthy competition. Leave your joke in the comments. Make sure you think hard before you do, as you are only allowed one entry.You have until midnight July 31, 2011.

Come back here on August 1, 2011 and I will post all the jokes but the winning joke and it’s submitter will be featured.. I will also tell you what new contest there will be for August.

Bella just said, “I like this contest.”
Sophia said, “Yeah, it’s going to make us laugh.”

That’s my girls!
I really hope you guys aren’t going to disappoint them.

Winner – June Game – Commenting Contest

I waited until midnight to see if Sheila was going to pull it out, but, Holly is the winner with 30 comments over Sheila’s 29. I loved watching you two duke it out all month, but even more than that, I love hearing from you in the form of comments. It makes my day to hear from my friends and you two are some of my most loyal commenters every month, not just when there is a contest to win.

So guess what? You are both getting a write up. Because you both deserve it!