Month: July 2010

Book Review: The Help

This was a quick read, which means it was a good read. I think historical fiction is becoming my new favorite genre. Besides the interesting historical bits, I found myself mostly in love with the characters over the content.

It’s not that the plot wasn’t great because there were many and I wanted to uncover the end to them all. It’s that the characters were flawless. The whole time I was reading I kept trying to decide if I was more like Aibileen or Minny or Skeeter. Or was I like Elizabeth, LouAnne, or heaven forbid Hilly? Was I like Skeeter’s mama or was I like Miss Celia? I finally had to compromise that I was like each and every one of them.

I love to encourage the babies like Aibileen. I also like to tease the kiddos by asking them where are their tails and funny things like that. I also would have a lot of “I am not on good terms with that dress” moments because I hate to iron just about more than anything.

My mouth, just like Minny’s, has got me into heaps of trouble. Thank goodness I have never been hired or fired as The Help. I don’t think I could have done it. I rejoiced when Minny finally got her gumption to love herself. Yeah for the Co-dependent’s success. And I have to say that because I go to a support group every week where there are many ladies who get beat by their husband’s and they are all trying to find their courage.

And Skeeter. Well, she loves to write. What more do I need to have in common with her? Although I do have more than just the love of writing. I like to think that I would be a risk taker just like her. I would do what was right for the greater good, even if it meant I committed social suicide. And I have a dream of living in New York someday, and really you don’t need more than this commonality to love a person.

Like Elizabeth, do I worry too much with impressing my friends? Do I not appreciate my children enough? And LouAnne. Well, I don’t want to give her secret away, but let’s just say that I understand psychological warfare. And I think that every woman on this earth can relate to Hilly, especially if they’ve been through Middle School. I know I was way too worried about getting to the top of the heap and staying there for my 4 years of High School. What a disgrace to my own history.

Skeeter’s mama was proud and she was blind to how her own pride screwed up her relationship with her daughter. Every critical statement was really just a reflection of Mama’s own pride issues. And once again, we all have those…especially Americans. Oh and Miss Celia. How I loved her loyalty and her naivety. I like to think that my love also has no bounds and that I can be blind to invisible social taboos. It would be really great if I could look that great in an evening gown too. 🙂

Anyway, this book is a must read. I really enjoyed it. I am glad that it was chosen for the book club. There is a little bit of language and there is one racy part with a sex offender, but I hope the book club ladies will be able to see past these parts and know that the good is always weightier than the bad. It is quite possibly my second favorite Southern book after my all time favorite To Kill A Mockingbird.

And lastly, Thank you God for sending us Martian Luther King. And the misspell in Martian is my way of honoring the fictional hero Aibileen. My hat goes of off to our civil rights activists…especially those who lost their lives. Whenever I meet another racist in TN, I am going to leave them this book on their porch, but we all know that those racists probably don’t read.

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Who is Mormon?

I was mesmorized listening to the stories of other Mormons this morning. My church has done an amazing job with their site Mormon.org. I really love this page that features small videos of different Mormons and how they define themselves.

Here is a video to a mom named Rochelle that really touched me. I loved how she ended her 30 seconds. “I’m Rochelle. I’m a redhead. I’m a Texan. I’m a mother, and I’m a Mormon.”

Being a mom is so wonderful, but I have always had a soft spot in my heart for the mom’s of special needs kids. I am almost jealous of them. No, I AM jealous of them. God has given them a great gift. A special reminder that stays with them constantly that God is love.

Check out this video of Jane Clayson. You remember her from her job as a Network Journalist. You know, the one she gave up to be home with her kids.

Go and check out the videos. They are amazing. I love hearing people’s life stories. I will be watching videos the rest of the day. So far I have been introduced to a guy who works at the Library of Congress, a successful brilliant singer in England (who happens to be black and was left by his mother who went back to Nigeria when he was 11), a professional surfer, a Harley Davidson sculptor, and a several other professional artists.

I love Mormons. They are all so amazing. But, you know what? All people are amazing. Everyone has a story. I wish I could learn the story of each and every person I come in contact with.

If any of you ever want to meet some Mormons. Come to church with me anytime.

What’s your addiction?

So, as I have mentioned before I have been spending one night every week at a Codependent Support Group. It has been so eye-opening, supporting, and validating. The ladies range from being in physically abusive relationships to those who have had complete mental breakdowns. Many but not all have significant addicts in their lives in the form of a spouse or a child. The addicts are addicted to drugs, alcohol, sex, or they have personality disorders or just plain have character flaws that keep them from living normal lives.

We, the codependents, come to our meeting to get support on how we are supposed to deal with the chaos in our lives. We come to get support on acting like we know we should. We come to find our voice. Codependents are addicts too. We have everything very much in common with the people that society refers to as “the real addicts.” We come to our meeting to take responsibility for our part of the cycle. We come to recover from our own addictions, even if they are more socially acceptable.

The women in my group are all addicted to love, for that reason, they are also called codependent. You don’t know them, but I am sure you know somebody like them. It may even be you. You may be unaware that people like this can actually have an addiction too. Codependent people are self described as SuperHuman. They get it ALL done and more. They take care of everyone which means that they also attract needy people. They take self sacrifice to an all new level. Even though they are the ones that everyone goes to when they need something done, they are really a total mess, and should be the one seeking support, not dishing it out. They have no voice, except “do whatever it takes to keep the peace, to help people, and to stay loved.” They are totally unhealthy. Sometimes the people on the outside start to catch on to their problems. Why are they on their 20th loser boyfriend? Why do they stay with that man that beats the crap out of them? Why do they complain about so much yet do so little to change it? Why do they go crazy at the slightest turn of events? Why can’t they set boundaries?

This link was interesting to me this morning. It’s an article from Psychology Today about new thinking in regards to addicts. In the past we have all just thought that addicts were spiritually weak, or mentally ill, wired wrong, or maybe just given “the gene”. But, the more time that goes on, the more the experts realize that we are all addicts. Every single one of us. Humans have a mentally evolved reward system. We find things that make us feel good and we gravitate to those things. Some people choose exercise. Some people use food. Some have preferences for shopping, online gaming, pornography, tobacco, caffeine, alcohol, drugs, sex, or feeling loved by other people. So, you see, those of us who have in the past loved pointing fingers, are now stuck with only one option..turn that finger around, and evaluate yourself.

What is it that you are addicted to? Addictions can be rated at different levels of problematic. Your addiction may not be a problem because you have learned to control it. Everybody has something that attracts them. Some things are just more socially acceptable. We all put on the pedestal those people who have amazing bodies, but to look like that, they are probably more than likely addicted to exercise or body image, or both. Funny, that those model bodies have always been praised while the overweight have been ridiculed, and they really have the same problem deep down inside…addiction. One has chosen exercise and one has chosen junk food, but really it’s the same problem. They are looking for love in all the wrong places. Sorry I couldn’t resist using that lyric. They are both getting a mental feel good moment from whatever their choice of drug happens to be.

The thing we all hold in common is that we are each looking for things that reward our brain. Things that make you go OOOO. Things that make you go OOOOO. Some of us (OCD) find that fix in a clean house or an immaculate yard. Some prideful people are addicted to making their children perfect or at least having everyone think that they have a perfect little family. Many addicts are addicted to work. Again, one of those socially acceptable addictions. I think my kids are addicted to making messes. I don’t know how this makes them feel good, but it must because they do it all the time.

I love that of course, once again, my church was ahead of the game. Look here for the manual they put out on how to use the 12 steps to overcome addiction. They have a class at church once a week for addicts to attend. If they want help overcoming a weakness, they can use the class, the manual, and the 12 steps, to personally apply the atonement in their life and to let God help them overcome their addiction, no matter how socially acceptable. On the part of the person who wants to change, all that is required is the desire and commitment. Then when you seek out help, you will be given the tools to apply the grace of God and makes weak things strong.

The scriptures are true. The verses from the Bible that talk about moderation in all things were God’s way of telling us to bridle our passions, control the feeding rewards to our brains. We have to avoid our natural man telling us that we NEED the good feelings caused by our worldly passions. Get our rewards from God because there is one place where we can never have too much and that is God’s love.

Let go and let God. That’s what they teach in AA and it is gospel truth.

A local gem

Have I ever told you that I love church signs.

I need to stick to my job of

photographing them better.

Especially when the pastor can’t spell.

Sophia’s Sheep

Little Bo Peep

She lost her sheep

and what was on them?

I will tell you what..

her underwear.

My Sophia is the highlight of so many of my days.

Really Important Stuff My Kids Have Taught Me #14

Don’t always act your age.

And I just had to use this picture of Uncle Logan.

He’s pretty serious most of the time,

but he can also be a lot of fun.

Look how my girls have all grown.

Our True Identity

I was hoping for something, anything inspiring at church today.

In Sacrament meeting, we got a talk about Staying Out of Debt.

Although it was good.

That topic is never really touchy feely for me.

Especially since we have so many law school loans.

My answer for greater peace
came today in the form of a video.

It seems like such simple message,

but I pondered on the application of it in my life.

If all of us

would just see ourselves

as God sees us,

we would not only be so much happier,

but we would have limitless potential.

We are all truly NOT ugly ducklings.

Summer Reading

Last week I punished Abigail

for teasing her sister.

She had to go to her room and read

four chapters of Harry Potter.

After looking at the picture above,

and how the girl loves to read,

now you all know how

my disciplining isn’t always the most effective.

What can I say?

I’m a softie.

I love reading.

I recently spoke to a friend

about how when I die,

I want to leave a living legacy.

One part of that legacy

would most definitely be

that I inspired people to read.

I know that reading

is a powerful tool.

A tool for

education,

and

inspiration.

Reading changes people

who will in turn make a better world.

If I could leave a living legacy of a love for things literary,

my influence would never end.

An eternal influence

is what I want for myself.

Nothing less would be enough.

I don’t want the buck to stop with me in the pine box.

I was really happy when onlinecollege.org

just linked my book review

of Cold Mountain.

It was an awesome post,

compiling book reviews for

books related to places of summer travel.

Of course, Cold Mountain

is a great feature for our own

beautiful Appalachian mountains.

My linked review is number 74 on the list.

Codependence

Most people I know have no idea what codependence means. In fact, blogger does not even recognize the term. Here is the short definition from the wikipedia link:

Codependency or codependence is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one’s relationships and quality of life. It also often involves putting one’s needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.

This post may not be really entertaining, as it is meant to be informative. I wish I would have heard of codependency a long time ago, as my recent study of codependency has made me an extremely healthier person. If you have known me for any length of time, you know codependent behavior. I fit the “controlling” part of codependency to a tee.

Control patterns:

I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.

I attempt to convince others of what they “should” think and how they “truly” feel.

I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.

I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.

I have to be “needed” in order to have a relationship with others.

Here is a little blossom analogy to help myself past trying to control. A few years back the girls and I were at my friend Valerie’s house. Her tree was full of gorgeous blooms. I lined my girls up for a great photo op. For over ten minutes, I kept telling them EXACTLY how to sit, look, and act. I got some good photos. It was so important to me to have that picture perfect photo. At the time, I wasn’t in touch with WHY this was so important to me. Through therapy I have finally discovered my need to be loved…part of that is my need to look perfect. I perpetuate that onto my family.

Aren’t they just about perfect? God has been good to me.

Well, after we were through with the torture session, the kids were free to be themselves again.

I kept shooting. They got into a blossom fight. It was so enjoyable to watch them have fun. It dawned on me that I had controlled them out of having fun for ten minutes. I was now getting BETTER photos with REAL expressions. And they were HAPPY. At that very moment, I realized that I was my own worst enemy. I had issues.

It was an ah-ha moment. I didn’t get to put a name to it until a year or so later. Codependency. Codependency has given me so much grief throughout my whole life. It has kept me from being happy so many times. It has also kept many of my loved ones from the happiness they deserve.

Codependents are people who need to be loved. Pure and simple. Many codependents are closely involved with addicts. I am not talking about the addicts in my life in this post. Maybe another time, but I am addressing my co-dependency. Why? Because people need to understand. Why not?

It is hard to know which comes first, a codependent or an addict. It is almost like that old riddle about the chicken or the egg. It is however easy to understand why codependents and addicts are attracted to each other like teenagers on Friday night. Addicts are a mess. Codependents are a mess. They feed off of each other. Codependents pick up all the pieces all the time. Addicts dish out all the problems. Codependents thrive on being needed because that makes them feel loved. Addicts need a codependent to help them to remain an addict. There is no one better to love or need a codependent more than a person with a bunch of problems.

Sometimes codependents create addicts. People get sick of being controlled and they rebel in form of addictions: alcoholism, abusiveness, sex addiction, gambling…they turn into addictions as a way of escaping the damage that their codependent loved one has etched into their sensitive soul.

I am working very hard at not being a codependent. I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to be the one who needs to be needed. I don’t want to be the one who has to control. I also don’t want to enable others. Most assuredly, I don’t want to negatively impact the people around me, especially the people who I love the most.

I mostly don’t want to be the crazy witch that goes nuts when everyone and everything she has been trying to hold together falls apart. I don’t want to take responsibility for others’ actions. I want to take responsibility for my own.

I don’t want to need to be loved. I want to love myself. I want my love and God’s love to be enough because anything I get on top of that is like an amazing overtime paycheck. I don’t want to suck all the energy from everyone in my life because no matter how much they love me, it’s never enough.

I will not be codependent any more because I want to be whole. I don’t want to be broken.

And more than anything, I want my children to be able to live lives full of carefree fun. I don’t want them to have to worry about their old mom who needs them so badly. I want them to be able to make mistakes and know that it won’t destroy their mother. I want them to know that their mom is happy, confident, and healthy, and that they can rely on her.

I encourage you to go to the link at the top of this page. Read about codependency. Educate yourselves so that you can recognize bad patterns and stop them before you do irreparable damage to yourself, your spouse, or your children. I think everyone has codependency to one degree or another, so it wouldn’t hurt to learn about it. And, even if you aren’t a codependent, I am sure that you know one, or two, or twenty, and it will help you to understand and love them better to be more aware of their challenges.

And you gotta admit it, you know you love me even more after reading this post. Even if I don’t need you to love me any more.