Getting paid to read a book that I would have been
snatching off the shelf anyhow is a very proud moment for me.
Do you want to change the world?
Do you want to have more powerful interpersonal relationships?
Do you want to explore into your own soul
to make sense of your life?
Do you want to live whole-hearted?
Do you want to rid yourself from shame?
Do you want to understand men and women better?
Do you want to give your heart a hug?
I thought I would do something different this time and give you a list of questions for this book review. This book is so jam-packed with the “hard stuff” that I don’t even want to dare pretend that I get it all. I will be reading it repeatedly until I have absorbed and memorized every nugget of wisdom. I wish every other person on the planet would do the same. It would seriously bring world peace and most certainly would give everyone inner peace. I’m not kidding, It’s that powerful.
I was proud to be a part of this book campaign. I was thrilled. I mean I jumped up and down when I got the e-mail confirmation and cooked a fancy dinner for my family when it arrived in the mail. I have been pouring over its pages and sharing parts with my hubby every chance I get. I have compromised my facebook relationships with the overabundance of quotes from this book. I just can’t stop. It’s too totally amazing not to share. YOU HAVE TO READ THIS BOOK. If you don’t want to buy your own copy, borrow mine. I can’t share it though for at least another month until I have it memorized.
I had a powerful experience at work last night, using the principles learned in this book. I was substitute teaching a class at the therapeutic boarding school where I work. I gave the kids a reward for every half an hour of hard work. We listened to a song of their choice (with my approval). One boy chose a powerfully emotional song about a girl who wanted to be with her dying boyfriend forever. I loved it. Another boy in the class didn’t. He started to shame the song choice kid. I stopped him and talked with the whole class about “shaming” and talked with them about giving people space to be who they are, even if they are wrong or different. I then turned to the shamer, and told him how much I loved him and admired him and that I would hope other people would give him space to love what he loved. He got teary-eyed. He turned to the other kid and said, “Dude, I am so sorry, I don’t like that song, but it’s cool if you do.”
World peace, people. World peace.
A huge thanks to marriage counselor friend John Morgan who turned me on to Brene Brown just months ago. He shared with me her talks from Ted. I was hooked. Brene is a researcher and has a PHD and LMSW. Her life’s work is shame and vulnerability. Here are her videos. Watch them both. Come back if you have to. They will make you understand why you need to read this book. Even if you aren’t into that psychological mumbo-jumbo, you need to be.
I’ve been struggling for months. I couldn’t pin-point what was going on. I thought it was just part of the grief of losing my nephew, and it partially was, but it started before we lost Braxton. I was angry. I just got angrier. For months I didn’t want to pray. I didn’t want to go to church. I didn’t want to read the scriptures. I just wanted to stew, and get angrier about all the unfairness of life.
I spent a night at the cabin with a few friends last week, and we took the time to have a honest share with one another. I was floored by the experience. Just a few moments of humble and honest self-reflection completely turned me around.
I was able to see a part of me that I already identified long ago. I was able to see the part of me that went straight to pride and anger as to protect myself from the hurt or disappointment.
I was angry because I felt like I could never measure up. I was angry that people around me didn’t appreciate me. I was angry because I didn’t want to need God. I was angry because I was hurt. I was sad, so I was angry. My subconscious thinks it’s easier to be angry. But it’s not. Pride is destructive. Anger is a form of pride.
After two seconds of honest reflection, I immediately felt God telling me it’s o.k. I am just human doing the best I can. He wasn’t mad at me. He was glad that I finally figured it out. I don’t need to be angry. I need to be vulnerable and let God heal.
I most of all needed to re-understand that I am not alone. We all need God. We all need to be told that we are beautiful.
I feel very uncomfortable being called inspiring when it comes to my body. My mind, my faith, my writing, even my family…they can be inspiring, but not my body.
Why is that? Because I have a horrible self image. I believe myself to be a fat girl. I have always been the biggest of my three sisters. I have been teased as a child, adolescent, and adult because of my weight.
So I got a message from a friend the other day. She has been following me on facebook. She knows I started running again and she wanted me to know that I am her hero and that I am inspiring. It makes me cringe to write those words in reference to my body, even though I have read her encouragement at least ten times.
She wants to know how to start. She is sick of being over-weight. I feel 176% unqualified to answer her. In fact, I don’t really know what her answer is. I don’t even have full confidence that I can keep helping myself in this regard. Every day is a battle for me. I truly believe I have a less severe form of food addiction and every day I am still battling it. I don’t have all the answers for me yet, how in the world can I help someone else?
I have been on a self-discovery journey for a few years now. It started with just getting to know my past and my emotions and has advanced to making changes. My body is a place that I needed to change. I don’t know if anyone can heal physically without first the emotional healing.
I can’t even describe my whole journey. I am inadequate to express the process. So, I don’t know what to tell you. I wish I had the magic words to motivate you. I wish I had the magic words to make Oreos less appealing also. That would help me out a lot.
However, I do have three tips.
Number one. Get real. What is really going on with you? Why do you loathe yourself? I promise you that inward there is some self hatred. That was what made the final decision for me to start exercising. I really made it a matter of prayer about how I could change. My answer wasn’t anything I expected. My answer from God was a question. “Alice, why can’t you love yourself like I love you?” When I started really pondering that question I felt empowered. The master of the Universe loves me. He loves me even when I don’t love me. Shouldn’t I love myself as well as he loves me? And isn’t the way that I am treating the temple he gave me a huge indication of how poorly I am doing in the love department? If you really don’t know how to do this for yourself, I highly recommend using the 12 steps in your own life. The LDS church puts out a great manual, and the steps can be used by anyone to apply the atonement in their life and make lasting changes. The fourth step is a really great tool at getting to know yourself. Years ago, I became acquainted with the 12 steps for my codependency, but I truly believe that the principles I have learned there have been greatly beneficial with my body image also.
Number two. Just start. One step at a time. After I had my spiritual awakening (which I am still in the middle of – still figuring out) I made a promise to myself that I would get started. I’ve done all the calorie counting many times in my life, so this time I wanted to focus more on getting strong. I decided to go back to where I was when I felt strongest. It was back when I was 17 and running every day. I decided that I would once again run…no matter how hard it was to get there. I set a goal. I could barely run a lap. I decided that in two months time I could at LEAST do a 5k, even if I had to walk it. I would try my hardest to run it, but I would walk it if I had to. No matter what, I was going to do it. And I did it. I ran the whole thing. It only took me two months to get in shape enough to run a 5k. I surprised myself. I was way stronger than I thought I was. In the process, I got to see the me that God loves. All along the only thing keeping me from doing it was myself.
Three. Get real again. Don’t set yourself up for failure. Everyone says that a person should exercise first thing in the morning. I would always fail because I am NOT a morning person. Figure out how to make exercise doable for you. It has truly become a break for me. I like exercising in the afternoon. I decided my older kids could watch their baby sister after school two times a week for an hour. It’s the least they could do for me when I do so much for them. (Again I had to love myself enough to believe this to really be true – all part of the journey) A lot of the time the baby is napping and it isn’t a big deal. I only run three times a week. On Saturday my husband does baby duty. It has been working just fine for me for 6 months. 6 months. Wow, I didn’t realize it had been that long. I kind of feel proud of myself. See! See, how I just wrote “kind of: ?Downplaying! That is what I do when it comes to my body. So excuse me while I say, “I am damn proud of myself.” I hope the Lord will forgive me for taking up the d word for a bit. It helps me get through to myself.
So I guess my answer is this. It’s a journey. An old Latin saying is “know thyself.” Knowing thyself is a journey that everyone should take. It’s scary. It’s actually totally debilitating for a lot of us, but it is so worth it. Because really, you are amazing. You are loved by the Supreme Creator, the Father of all. He wants you to love yourself like he loves you. The only way you can love yourself is to figure out how you don’t love yourself and change. The change starts in your mind.
So, I like to sing to myself when I get unmotivated. You’re gonna love me. Sometimes I just have to fake myself out. I have to tell myself that I am going to love me on the days that I know I don’t. Here’s your soundtrack. Get started. You won’t regret it.
The best thing about being at the bottom is that it gives you more reason to be pleased with yourself. Other people are worried about getting to that 8 minute mile mark. I am fighting against nobody but the couch. If I get off the couch I win. When you have neglected yourself for so long, the only way to go is up and out. Every time you get on the treadmill you feel like a rockstar. It’s totally awesome. I want that feeling for you. I have only lost 20 pounds. I mean I have lost 20 pounds!!! Amazing. See how that works. It’s all in the mind.
I’m a codependent.
A full-fledge flaming codependent.
What does that mean?
It means that I am addicted to others at an unhealthy level.
It means that my core issue is
needing other people to fill my love tank.
It means that I unconsciously do things
(all the time) to feed my addiction.
Things like making too many comments in Sunday School.
Or blogging for attention.
I often cry myself to sleep at night because nobody cares.
And then there are the times (too many times)
that I try to require things of my husband,
things that I need to let go.
I don’t do it to be wrong,
I just want to be loved
and I just want to love others
and so I hold on to that thing
far too long.
It’s part of my addiction.
I try to control other people.
Unconsciously.
To gain importance.
To get love.
I can’t have enough of love and importance.
Just saying it is part of the addiction
doesn’t excuse it
because it is still very much my life
and I have to own it and change it
and sculpt me into what I want me to be.
It does give understanding
and the first step to fixing is admitting.
So, this post is my way of letting something go.
Something hard.
Even though I have every right to care about it.
and I am completely justified in my desires
because they are pure.
Yet, they are my desires for him,
and not his desires for him,
so I have to let it go.
Even if he is wrong
and doesn’t see it.
Because I can’t live his life.
I can only live my life.
Apparently JJ Heller understands
why I cried myself to sleep last night.
Next time I am going to sing this little song
instead of getting all frustrated with myself.
Because let’s face it,
nobody gets it right every time.
Everyone needs room to screw up.
And I have decided that true love is
really only one thing.
Loving each other through your screw ups.
And boy do I love that man.
I’m the luckiest girl that he loves me back
even when I try to control him.
I had the most profound experience last week. I was sitting at the temple waiting to witness a friend’s wedding. In rolled an elderly woman sitting in her wheelchair. Her body had disintegrated. All that was left was skin on bones.
The week before I had attended a funeral of a good friend. He was normally a big jolly fellow, not fat, but tall and built. Cancer had stole his life too soon, and left his wife and three daughters weeping. The final pictures of him were skinny. The funeral weighed heavily on my mind this day, as I was also simultaneously overjoyed for our dear friend starting his life with his new wife.
I was contemplative, and seeing this sweet little old lady, effected me to the core. My heart ached for her to be healthier. I wished I could have seen her at her prime. I wanted her to have a little meat on her bones, so she could get up and walk without fear.
And it dawned on me. All at once. I live in a pervasively sick society. And I am not talking about cancer or heart disease. I am talking about attitudes.
I am talking about my own attitude. When my sister and her hubby just visited from California, I couldn’t question them enough about their eating habits. They are both the epitome of looking good. and I wanted to know their tricks to the skinny life.
The answer: For breakfast we eat a piece of toast. For lunch a half a sandwich, but for dinner we eat whatever we want.
Whatever your little teeny tummy’s can handle, which I am sure ain’t much.
For a moment I wondered if I could jump on board the regiment.
But why? Why would I want to deprive my body of nourishment? So I can be skinny? I will tell you why it’s tempting. Because everyone else is doing it. Why is everyone else doing it? Because they want to look good. Period.
Who defines what looks good? We do. Our advertising does. Our pop culture. Our movies. Our admiration in others. Our minds.
At church on Sunday, we discussed the idea that our bodies are temples. Our teacher did a really great job. One concept was especially meaningful to me. We are the house for the Lord. Our bodies are the literal house. We can live in such a way that the Lord will be with us.
And I am here to tell you, that the Lord doesn’t use body size to determine with whom he dwells, but he uses the size of the heart, and the purity of the mind.
We are doing God a great disservice when the worshiping of “skinny” or “rock hard abs” becomes a greater priority over Him and who we really are.
I recently attended my 20 year class reunion. There were the bombshell gals. There were the ones who have gained a pound or two or 100. And there were ones in between.
But, each individual carried their own spirit. I could sense into their heart. I could tell which ones were healthy. Which ones were happy. Content with their life. And loving of others.
And I am here to tell you that when our time comes, those are the things that will matter.
We have created such a sick society that obesity is an even bigger problem then anorexia or bulimia. Our society is sick as a whole. Why? Because our ideals are sick. People are sick at both ends of the spectrum, instead of being safe in the middle, where all they are worried about is their personal best.
Yes, our bodies are temples. And yes, some of us have some learning to do in the maintenance department. So, you don’t need to tell me to lessen my caloric intake or get my butt in my tennis shoes more regularly.
But, I will tell you this. When you see an emaciated woman of 80 or 90 years old and realize that the society around you has all their young people trying to look the same as her, you may be forever changed too.
Last night, Michael explained that he was the kind of guy that kept making deals with God.
He figured that if he would just do certain things God would take his blues away. I guess you could say that he was just holding on waiting for the light to come.
After hearing his doctor and family adamantly encourage him to try medication,
he finally gave in.
He was in a dark place and it dawned on him
that maybe medication would be the way that God would help him out. Maybe the medication was the avenue in bringing the light.
The medication worked. The little pills worked a miracle in his life. One that he had needed for so long. He could actually get out of bed without a struggle.
Michael, just like so many others, wondered why he suffered for so long when it wasn’t necessary.
I am a little dumbfounded when people
are so anti-medication.
I truly believe that the people who are so
vocal about how “bad” medications are,
are probably some of the ones that will benefit the most.
It always astounds me when people truly believe that
more exercise or meditation
can cure a true illness.
I cannot tell you how many times I have helped friends
be o.k. with the idea of medication
and how many of them have found happier and saner lives.
I have stories. So many stories.
From the woman with lots of kids who couldn’t cope at all.
She started thriving after getting the right anti-anxiety meds.
To the younger mom with little kids
who just couldn’t understand why she would be given this trial,
but once she found the right meds.
was so deeply grateful to be able to mother
without the constant darkness and hopelessness.
It’s such a bummer that an unnecessary stigma
keeps people from tapping into God’s help.
Yes, God inspires scientists to invent this stuff.
It scientifically fills in the gaps that have been left
because of genetic mutation, environmental factors,
and even just the pressures of living in such a fast paced society.
People have mental illness.
People also have stressful lives.
Medications can help with both.
And they do.
My go-to question to a lot of my struggling friends is,
“if you had cancer would you refuse treatment?”
Of course not.
So, you people who are anti-medication,
please leave your stigma creating judgement elsewhere.
I am here to tell anyone out there
who needs some light in their lives
that getting on medication
may be God’s way of giving you the blessings that you need.
Don’t be afraid.
Here is Michael’s Med song:
And here is another one just for fun. It will give you another coping strategy until your meds kick in.
Don’t suffer a second longer than you have to. You don’t have to take medication forever, but if you need help, take it. Get sane, and then decide when you don’t need it any more.
Would you refuse an epidural just so you could feel the pain? Well, yeah, some of you would. But, why? Why suffer like you are in childbirth for longer than a day, or a month, or even years?
Especially if you are a mom. The best thing you can ever do for your kids is to be happy. Even if it means you need a little help getting there.
The last week or so I have been having trouble with feeling really lethargic. I don’t want to get out of bed. It dawned on me this morning that I am experiencing a slight bout of depression.
I have been on my medication for 7 years and I have never felt better. I don’t ever cry incessantly like I used to. I don’t think hopeless thoughts. I don’t lay in bed all day. I don’t sit around worrying.
I don’t do so many things that I used to do. I am generally pretty happy a great majority of the time.
And even though right now I am in a tad of a funk, needing some greater direction in my life, and feeling the effects of the recent move, missing friends, a new career consideration, and the weighty decision of whether or not we are done having children, the worst of the funk is feeling tired. Really tired.
I would say that is pretty damn good.
Especially when 10 years ago, if I found myself with the amount of crap that I have on my plate right now, I would have been suicidal, locked in my room, crying all day and night, and feeling like it would never end.
Working the12 steps has changed my life. I will be always indebted to Cokesbury Methodist Celebrate Recovery where my journey with overcoming codependency began.
I am also so totally grateful for my weekly support group here in Utah that happens to be at the LDS church. It’s great to share the 12 steps with my brothers and sisters in the gospel.
Here is an awesome news story about the LDS 12 step program. It’s a breathe of fresh air to me to see the honesty.
So many people need recovery from so many addictions.
This program is truly inspired. I encourage you with all my heart to find a program near you if you feel you need help.
Codependency is tricky. It’s not as obvious for the sufferers. If you have an addict in your life, and sometimes feel personally out of control, I also encourage you to research codependency to see if you can be helped.
alice w. gold 