FunnyBlog

Meet Me At Mid-Day My Dear.
Another poem for the love of my life.
Feel free to eavesdrop or ignore.

  Funny sidenote:
LG does not have a poetic bone in his body.
I was just translating this poem for him.
He says, “where our bodies can entwine, what does that mean?”
Then I showed him entwined fingers
while asking him if I needed to pull out a dictionary.

He says, “Our bodies entwine every night.”
I said, I know.
Don’t you get it?
All this whole poem is saying
is
Come home at lunch time and have sex with me.

Now, after barely browsing the poem the first time
all the sudden he is interested and even excited about it.
Men!
I work on this poem for an hour
and all he even hears is the last three words of my explanation of it.
sex with me.

He is now trying to fight me off the computer so he
can read the poem with an all new perspective.

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I am best at bed-time,
you at waking dawn.
When my energy is greatest,
yours snores at your dreams.
The sun rises to your heartbeat,
while mine is perfectly at rest.
Meet me at Mid-Day my dear
when our bodies can entwine.
You are such a thinker,
and I just dream away.
You understand the abstracts,
 I, only concretes.
Gravity draws you closer,
and magnetizes me to you.
Meet me at Mid-Day my dear
when our minds collaborate.
You are tall and strong.
I just tremble in your arms.
Masculinity is regal,
femininity divine.
You talk of now and later.
I reminisce of past.
Meet me at Mid-Day my dear
where marriage is ours.
You struggle to express
what I communicate in excess.
You make me feel complete
as your hidden feelings fill my thoughts.
I know you love me dear,
and you know I always want you near.
Meet me at Mid-Day my dear
where our hearts are as one.
Defeat afflicts my torment,
I hope you understand.
Instead of advising or fixing,
you hold my hand and cry.
Knowing that you share my anguish,
is all I need to try again.
Meet me at Mid-day my dear,
so we can endure together.
Wednesday is my favorite
but any day will do.
The sun at its highest
or better yet, with rain.
Before or after lunch,
but definitely in bed.
Meet me at mid-day my dear,
where our love unites.

Thank you Steve
“Thank you Steve” has been trending all day.
Here is my thanks.

Thank you Steve for being such a visionary.
You believed in technology and its ability
and you also believed in something of even greater importance:
you believed in the contributions that only you could give
in unlocking technology’s potential.

It doesn’t take a genius to measure what you’ve done,
but anyone who was a child of the 80’s or before
has a better grasp of what life would be like without you.

For example, if it were not for what you started Steve,
I wouldn’t have found out about your death for another few days.
The blog post that I read this morning announcing you were gone
probably would not have been there without you.

Without Twitter,
I would not have the slightest idea about
the Westboro Baptist church
who plans to picket at your funeral.
I guess they are a bunch of whackos.
At least that is what all of America is saying.
They also think that you should be greatly flattered
that they are giving you so much attention.
Negative attention via their i-phones.
The shame.
I think you probably think that is rather funny.

Without facebook,
I would not have known that you were so ill
that you stepped down
from your position at Apple
weeks ago.

The Angry Bird references this past weekend
at our church’s worldwide conference
would have left my church members with one less laugh.
Yes, you had your part there too Steve.

The games that my 2 year old begs to play on her dad’s phone
would probably also be null and void,
as well as her ability to navigate the touch screen.

The i-tunes card that my daughter won
for her entry into The U.S. Constitution art contest
would not be the coolest prize in the world,
even though it sits in her room
awaiting Santa to bring her that ITouch she really
really really really wants for Christmas.

Most important to me Steve are the memories.
I can envision as plain as yesterday
the times when as a young girl
I would sit at my dad’s McIntosh
in total awe.
Could something really be this cool and easy?
And we had one in our house?

It was a 2.1 or something like that. I really have no idea what it was,
but it was a dinosaur and all we did on it was word process and play tetris.
It had a floppy drive that was pretty fancy.
I had no idea what the disks actually did, but I liked to put them in
and click the button of the newly invented mouse to make the diskette come back out.

You see, my dad had eagerly learned
the new technology at his office in downtown SanDiego
and brought his training home to his seven children.
He created us each a folder with our name
and would be so frustrated when he would find saved documents everywhere but our folders.
Personally, I think he liked feeling like the hero when we were repeatedly relieved
that he was able to find everything we saved in no man’s land.

Without you Steve, at this very moment,
I would not be sitting at my PC
writing about you for the world to see
at their leisure.

Because I would be stuck writing a letter
by hand to my local newspaper.
Or I would just keep all my sadness to myself.

Steve Jobs, you changed the way we live our lives.
As a nation and a world,
because of you,
we are more connected, informed, and intelligent.
What more can I say than that?
You changed the world my friend.
You changed every person in the world.
Not very many people can say that.
It must be so awesome to gain a new perspective
and sit up in heaven to see how it all played out.

After I go on google and find one of your best quotes,
paste it into a google image via google picasa,
I will then
publish this post,
and finish it off by
linking it up on my twitter and facebook.
The world will read it.

And I will be sit at home
playing tetris for the next hour.
And then our family will watch every Pixar video.
In your honor Steve.
Rest in peace my favorite online friend.

Here are some must watches.
Did you know that Steve Jobs was adopted?

The Two Year Old Blues
I caught the two year old blues.
I’ve been suffering for quite some time.

I don’t want that.
No.
I do it myself.

Give me that.
It’s mine.
I don’t wanna share.

Sometimes there are shut-ups
learned from older sisters,
they leave me appalled and entertained.

Sometimes I want to hollar back.

I don’t want that.
No.
I do it myself.

Give me that.
It’s mine.
I don’t wanna share.

And even catch myself
wishing deeply
for some shut-up time.

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Funny Politics
Dear Mitt Romney,
I know I helped you last time,
even though you never acknowledged it.
Not only did I tell 
about my support,
but I gave you a whole whoppin $10
which I am sure was used ever so wisely,
seeing as how you can still
afford to campaign a second time around.
But since 2008,
I have become disenchanted with US politics.

So please tell your family members to stop
e-mailing me to ask me for money.
Thank you very much,
I’mSoFunnyatPolitics

I have always loved political cartoons.
Here are a few more current.
You can call these political photo pins.

This is a picture of one of the oldest politicians.
How he got his head up there upside down is beyond me.
Maybe it was decapitated by his constituents and then shoved back up.

Please feel free to share your funniest joke at any politician’s expense.

Adieu Nutella Cookies

So the other day, while I am making myself some Nutella cookies, Caroline walks into the kitchen. She is stark naked and holds a diaper in her hand. She is repeating, “poopy, mommy, poopy” and “I get in shower with Bella.”

I put down the cookie-scooper and run over to discover that the girl is a genius. Yes, there is poopy in her diaper and yes she had somehow taken it off and carried it to me. I hurry and discard the diaper while simultaneously grabbing a hold of Caroline so she doesn’t sit anywhere or touch anything.

I run to find the place that she removed the dirty diaper from her body but can’t find poop anywhere in the rest of the house, including the hallway in front of the bathroom where the deed was most likely done. The poop is the hard kind, so less worrisome. All I could think about is e-mailing Amy Kafala and telling her that there are perks to not going vegan. Thank goodness we ate too little fiber yesterday.

I stand Caroline up on the changing table and carefully use the baby wipes to remove the remaining poop from her bum.

I tell her she can have a bath after Bella is done and I lay her down to replace the diaper.

I turn on some cartoons to distract her.

I then go back to the kitchen to scrub my arms and hands. From just under the elbows to all the way under my fingernails, I was thorough. The process took a good five minutes and a cup of handsoap.

I then go back to my cookies, which I remind you, are made mostly from Nutella.

Not surprisingly, I just can’t muster the strength to finish plan A. Nutella mixed with flour, sugar, and eggs looks strikingly like that something else to which I had just dedicated 10 minutes of my life.

That is the life of a mother.
Everything can change on a whim.
The sooner mothers lower their expectations for their own needs
and put themselves at the mercy of their children,
the better off it is for everyone.

Two-year-olds are no respecters of persons.
They don’t care if people want to shower alone.
They don’t care if you have been craving those cookies for two weeks.

I then sit down to write this story
and I find the post I titled last week.
I hadn’t written any of the post yet,
but it was going to be about how as a mother I have been exhausted.

My toddler is wearing me out.

What was the title of that post you wonder?

Scrapin’ the bottom of the Nutella jar.

See how things change in an instant?

No matter how desperate I am for a chocolate fix,
I won’t be scrapin the bottom of the Nutella jar again.

Ever.

And I bet neither will some of you.

Thank you for being a loyal reader and helping me
support my habit of telling awful things that happen to mothers alike everywhere.

What is it with this gross kid?

If you can relate to this story or found it mildly entertaining at my expense,
please feel free to share the story with a friend via e-mail, twitter, or facebook.

The links right below make it so easy.

Just , whatever you do, please don’t show your sympathy
or support by bringing me any chocolate cookies for a while,
and especially not hazlenut.

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Lyrics with Lessons

I recently really enjoyed this post by Cameron Smithson. Cameron used a great song to prove his point that if you want to be loved, you need to give love. You can love without being loved, but it sure does work better when it goes both ways.

Cameron was a Mormon missionary in Knoxville when we lived there and he came from my parts of California, so of course we fed him often. I’ve loved getting to know Elder Smithson as a person instead of just a missionary through his facebook and blog.

If you happen to cross paths with a Mormon missionary, I encourage you to ask them about their love for the Savior Jesus Christ. It may surprise you how close 19 year old kids can be to the Master himself.

In the LDS culture, we often play the do you know game. Well guess what I recently discovered about Cameron? His uncle is the wave at the bus guy I told you about a while back. Cameron’s aunt and mom left me some sweet comments after making the connection on facebook. Thanks guys.

When I told LG about Cameron’s kin all he said was, “Why is it no surprise that Smithson is related?” That was said in the highest complimentary way, of course. What cool people!!! It’s the California connection.

Anyhow, Cameron got me thinking about, how, I, like him, love songs with good lessons.

Lately this has been one of my fav’s.

I would like to dedicate this song to my husband
who is learning the other important life lesson about love.
You don’t have to earn love.
You don’t even have to be perfect to be loved.
In fact I think love is
almost received to a greater depth
when people are at their worst
because that’s when they need it the most.

LG, you are perfect to me.
Even at your worst.

Another one of my favorite lyrics is:

All you need is love.

I was really bummed yesterday
when President Monson
alluded to the fact
that it isn’t true
when talking about the
60’s hippy movement.
Bummer.

We love music around here.
Remember how I used Sarah McLaughlin’s lyrics
to make these adorable framed photographs in my dining room?

What are your favorite lyrics with lessons?

Flecks of Gold

Any message with gold in it is good enough for me.
This one is especially pertinent in a world where people are more entitled and impatient.

Speaking of gold.
I am filled with inspiration this weekend,
listening to a living prophet and apostles.
Yes, the gospel of Christ is restored.
And it is my greatest treasure.

Feel free to listen along today at 10 am and 2 pm MST  here.
Conference is one of the best ways
you can understand
what those crazy Mormons actually believe.

So long summer.
Good-bye summer.
I am going to tell you good-bye
before it gets too cold
and I am cursing you for leaving me.
I know this amazing weather can’t last.
I feel like I still live in San Diego.

One of my least favorite memories of this summer
was Bella’s kool-aid stand.
Maybe we will have better luck with an apple cider stand.
Yeah right, we are never selling beverage again.
When you get to Bella’s sad face, you’ll understand why.

Here she is.
This was at the beginning of the stand.
She is counting all of her hopeful profits.
She has something coming to her.
We set up down our street on the super busy State street.

We even made three flavors of kool-aid.
Tropical, blue, and orange.
Funny that we sold more Crystal Lite than anything.
It could have been because we only sold
three glasses.
Two glasses were bought by my health-conscience visiting teacher
that just happened to walk by.
God must have been watching out for Bella a little bit
to send her by in the very moment when she was needed most.

If I ever get suckered into this again,
we will call it a Crystal Lite stand.
Maybe that will actually make anyone stop
beyond the visiting teacher.
And Amy Kafala will cringe
because she thinks we should have an ice-water stand.

Memorize this face.
It’s the face of defeat.
It’s an important life lesson.
Even if it’s heartbreaking for the mama.
I am proud of my Bella,
she didn’t give up.

In the three hour commitment,
she ended up with $4 profit.
$1 from the visiting teacher.
$1 from the only lady who actually pulled her car over
and told us to keep the change
(and that was in our second location)
and $2 from mama when she bought the missionaries two glasses each.

She also suckered mom into
paying for the kool-aid, sugar, cups, and ice.

She may still have a future in business,
but has decided to stick with babysitting and doing extra chores.
They earn a better profit.

Did I mention it was like 90 degree outside?
You would think more people would be thirsty.

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4 Ingredient Nutella Cookies

I think that this is a great follow up post to my LunchWars book review. Jennifer is a health-nut and even she makes yummy cookies from time to time.

You have to try these cookies.
I didn’t even like nutella until I tried these cookies.

Four ingredients.
C’mon, even your kids can make them.
These cookies will be the perfect addition
to your lovely crisp Fall weekend.

Millions of world-wide Mormons will be gathered
around their computers indulging their spirits.
It’s General Conference.
Go ahead and listen with us.
But beware,
the idea of living prophets and apostles will grow on you.
These men of God are amazingly inspired.
And the only way to make their messages any sweeter is with a cookie in hand.

Why not Nutella ones?
They are the easiest cookies and so very yummy.

Perfect for after school snacks.
But make sure you don’t start making them until right before the kids get home, otherwise you will eat them all yourself.

My friend Jennifer is the greatest cook.
This was her original recipe
and then it went viral.

Her blog is called A Busy Nest.
Even Pioneer Woman likes her.
Don’t get her recipe from the wannabes,
go directly to her original post.
Here’s the link one more time.