Funny

That’s so Special!


It’s a GREAT word Posted by Hello

We have taught our kids to use the word special. They each have a SPECIAL drawer where they can put their SPECIAL things. We have taught our kids that each one of them is SPECIAL. Each of them are different and they each have SPECIAL talents. They have their favorite SPECIAL clothes and toys. You get the picture. The word special works for almost everything.

Special didn’t work out so great last year when we were at Dollywood. We were all walking past the River Raft ride, trying to work our way through the crowd. Right next to us, there was a man with a wooden shoe. You know, one of his legs was shorter than the other and he wore the shoe to correct the difference of height in his legs.

My daughter was staring this shoe down, and I was trying to drag her away, hoping that she wouldn’t embarass this man. She was so very observant and didn’t appreciate my gesture; she said, loud enough for everyone to hear, “Mom, wait, I am trying to see that man’s shoe. He has a SPECIAL shoe!”

What do you do? She was 100% correct. The shoe was very special. She may never see one like it again in her life. I just smiled and said as softly as I could,”You’re right, he does have a special shoe.” and we kept on walking, this time a little bit faster than before.

The Famous Sarcasm


Steve Young: If you were a single Mormon girl in the early 90’s, you wanted to marry him! Posted by Hello

When I was a freshman at Utah Valley State College, back in 1991, I worked at a Malt Shoppe in Provo, UT, called Stevenett’s. It is now just, The Malt Shoppe, but you will still see the same faces, just years younger, cruising the place on Friday and Saturday nights.

Well, this one Saturday night when I was working, a really famous visitor decided to grace the place with his existence. I had heard of him and I wanted to marry him just like all of my 5 roommates, but I really had no idea what he looked like.

We were only open until 11PM on Saturdays, because the Sabbath starts at midnight and that would allow all the Mormon workers to get the place clean and home in time. This night, everyone was out on a date or hanging out with friends. The weather was great. It was 12:30 and our line was still out the door. I was frustrated.

So, this guy with outdated muscleman pants, a Jackson Hole baseball cap, and a highschool football T-shirt makes his way to the front of the line. I was working the register and thinking, “Boy, this guy is cute; he just needs some new clothes.” He was friendly; he smiled and asked, “what’s good?” Remember, I just want to go home and I am sick of these customers. I said, “I don’t know, you have been standing in line for at least a half an hour, have you not had a chance to figure it out?” He was taken back a bit. I polished it off with,”I like________, but everyone’s tastes are different, and so I can’t tell you what you will like.”

He sat there looking at the menu, and I questioned, “What is Jackson Hole?” He said,”You have never heard of Jackson Hole.” I said,”NO, sorry, I am not a Utah Native.” He said, “Where are you from?” I said, “Where are you from?” He said,”I asked you first.” I said you probably haven’t heard of it. He said,”Try me.” I said, “California.” He said, “Heard of it.” I said,”Carlsbad, bet you haven’t heard of that?” He said,”Actually, I have vacationed there a few times. It is a great place.” and he continued on to tell me about places he had visited in my town.

I said,”So, where are you from?” He said,”Several places actually, Connecticut, Utah, California.” I said,”Oh, you’re a military kid.” If you haven’t figured it out by now, the guy I was giving attitude was Steve Young. He is obviouslly not a military kid, but I am sure he found this rather humorous considering I was either making a really good front that I didn’t know who he was, or I was just a total idiot.

He later asked me what I was doing after work (I like to claim that he would have dumped his sister or his date and hung out with me), but I think he was just being nice. I told him I was preparing my talk to give in church the next day. He said,”Oh, that is why you want to go home so bad.” I said,”yep.” At this point, another guy came and took over the register for me and I went back in the kitchen. The cook said,”You sure were striking the fancy of Steve Young.” I said, “Who?” He said, “That was Steve Young.” I was mortified.

The next day, my roommate was in charge of a fireside (something that Mormon’s do on some Sunday nights…an extra gathering.) After hearing my claim to fame, my roommate decided that I had to give the opening prayer. As I walked up she claimed that Steve said that I looked so familiar and that she told him about the night before. She said that he said,”Oh yeah, she is hilarious!” Who knows if that conversation really took place, but I think if it is true that Steve Young thinks I am hillarious, then you should really continue reading my blog, right?

The Dilemma


Tupperware…no housewife can live without it Posted by Hello

For about four days, we have had the rankiest smell protruding from the hallway where our office and bedrooms are located. Of course, it was my job to figure out where in the world it was coming from. I searched and searched to no avail.

Finally, yesterday, I decided to stay home and do nothing but take care of my household duties, not because my house was a sty, but because it was time to tackle the laundry. Well, even after I tidied everything up, emptied the garbages, and cleaned the laundry there was still a REALLY bad smell.

It was time for my built-in mother detective skills. I started my search with the little bed that is constantly made on the floor next to ours. It is made of an egg carton mattress, three or four quilts, and a bunch of pillows. We refuse to let the girls get in the bed with us because we want to get SOME sleep.

Unfortunately, there was nothing in the kids’ makeshift bed. I then moved my search on to the other side of the bed and looked underneath. Jackpot….under the bed was a sippy cup turned over sideways and Serafina. (one of the girls favorite stuffed kitties) Now, what you have to understand is that there are different types of sippy cups. The one under our bed was the kind that I use when I give the girls juice. (the sippy part has a constant open hole, making it possible for orange juice pulp to get through) This also makes it possible for ALL of the juice to get through, especially when it is tipped on its side.

IF YOU HAVE A WEAK STOMACH, consider this a warning. So, I push the bed aside and pick up the cup; there was a little curdled OJ inside (how does OJ curdle…who knows?) It SMELLED SO BAD. And, then there was the kitty……can you say the smell of maggots rotting in the sun? Serafina must have soaked up a bunch of the orange juice and she sat there waiting for someone to come and relieve her and the rest of the house from the stench. Who knows how long she had been there. So, I smiled with pleasure, knowing that me, Supermom had saved the day again and I moved quickly to take care of business. I wiped the wood floor with Clorox wipes (thank goodness it wasn’t carpet); I then washed the cat with Clorox (thank goodness it was white), and washed the cup with Clorox.

Later, during the day, over the phone, I relayed this story to my sister, Shannon. Shannon asked me why I didn’t just throw the cat and the cup away. I explained that the cat was their absolute favorite and they would have died. I had washed it and it was fine. (a little less fluffy, but fine nonetheless) I also told her that I could have thrown the cup out, but, why? If I dealt with the cat then I knew I could deal with the cup. So, Shannon says, “You have to throw the cup away or then it becomes like ‘the blue cup’ ” This brought instantaneous laughter……

So, here’s the last part of my story. When we were kids, my mom had a bunch of colored Tupperware cups, much like the ones shown above. I grew up in the 70’s and so, of course, we had the colors that are shown above, but we also had primary colors. Well, one day, my brother decided to urinate in the blue one……Who knows? Brothers do the weirdest things. (maybe you males can understand, but we sisters sure didn’t) So, we ran and told my mom that he had peed in the cup, hoping that she would remedy the problem. Well, all she did was pour out the urine, rinse out the cup, and wash it with some bleach.

To us kids, there was NO WAY that cup was rid of the pee. Every night, my mom would set the table and all of us kids would await which color cup we would get. We knew better than to ask for the one we wanted because we all wanted the same one. My mom would just go down the table and put one down at the top of each of our plates, one at a time. Every night, you could hear the howl of whichever unfortunate kid got the blue cup. How cruel, huh? It’s no wonder I need therapy.

So, if you haven’t caught on to the dilemma yet, it is this: When a mom is faced with a DISGUSTING situation, should she clean it up or get rid of any offensive matter? I think that the answer to the dilemma is this: you can clean it, as long as the kids don’t see whatever it is while in the gross state. If they do, you better just throw it away to save yourself the therapy bills.

Fortunately for me, yesterday, our girls never saw Serafina in her worst state. No howls of undelight for this MOM.

Tennessee Judiciary


Courhouse for the 6th Circuit of the Eastern District of TN Posted by Hello

Alright, here’s another funny story.

My friend had knee surgery on Monday and because her husband was unable to go with her, I offered to accompany her. She gladly accepted my offer, so I got my mother-in-law (she is such a saint) to take the kids.

When we got to the same-day-surgery unit, I instantly realized that these people were all thinking that we were a “couple”. I had just had my haircut short, we both had wedding rings on…etc.etc. When I went in with her and she had to get her gown on, it became a little too much for me to keep quiet about. I just HAD to tell the nurse that, “I AM HER FRIEND, her husband couldn’t be here today.”

When the orthopedic surgeon came out and called for my friend’s family to come and get the scoop….I stood up. He had a VERY surprised look on his face. My friend is very wholesome and innocent and I could see the look of utter astonishment in his eyes. My husband got a chuckle as I told him the first words that I said to the surgeon (we’re going back to my obsessive need to explain myself). I said, “I am just a FRIEND of hers; her husband had to work today.” The surgeon looked somewhat relieved, but also dissapointed…go figure?

Well, I went and sat back down in the lobby, waiting for my friend to come out of her anesthesia (they said they would call me). I decided that after two hours it was time to strike up a conversation with the man sitting closest to me. He looked in his 70’s or 80’s. I asked him who he was waiting for. He said, “My wife is having surgery on her breast today.” (I guess when you get to a certain age, you don’t blush saying the word breast to a woman who is a total stranger.) He went on to relay that him and his wife were in the their 60’s and then he proceeded with their whole medical history. His wife had a tumor in her breast and he had lung cancer in 1996, but came out just fine. (I was astonished when he went for a smoke break a little while later)

Well, as he was talking on and on about his family’s medical history, I thought to myself, “Oh no, I am going to be stuck hearing all about this for the next hour.” I then caught a glimpse of his baseball cap…it said, “Tennessee Judiciary”. Then, I thought, score, I may have just made my husband a contact with a judge or somebody important. I then proceeded to tell him that my husband was in Law School and I made reference to his hat. He said, “I worked for the TN Supreme Court for 29 years.(or some high figure like 29)”

I said, “Oh yeah, what did you do?” He said, “I was in the maintanence department.” Well, there went my contact, unless LG wants to clean the floors of the courthouse for the rest of his life….I don’t think that would pay off the student loans, though.

Well, I didn’t want to make the man feel bad, and so I said,”That is what my dad does for a living. He is in maintenance.” [My dad is a contractor and can do or fix anything, but he maitains all of the LDS church buildings in Southern Utah]. He smiled as if to say, “Well, I am glad that you understand.”, but he didn’t say another word until I probed him for more private family information. It is amazing what you can learn about a person in one hour. He turned out to be a really nice guy; the best guy I know in the Tennessee Judiciary.

GO UT LAW


Everybody needs a cheerleader Posted by Hello

I have another confession. Poor LG. I don’t know how he lives with me.

Last year, during his first semester of Law School, I took a field trip to his classes. I really wanted to see what he was doing all day every day, and my mother-in-law offered to take the girls.

So, all was going off without a hitch. (LG had made me swear not to raise my hand, ask any questions, or make any comments) I tend to get excited at times. I really enjoyed his first class. The teacher was good and even a dummy like me learned something (I now have no recollection what the class was about, but at the time I felt enlightened.)

When we were waiting for his second class to start (which was really BAD, by the way, the most BORING teacher, and that is all I will say because LG will probably even make me change this) a girl walked in and sat down in the row in front of us. We had been talking with her friend, and as this new girl sat down next to her friend she greeted me.

Here comes the clencher part of the story. EVERYONE in law school has to have a laptop (mostly so that they can IM during class). So, of course as this girl is getting ready for class, she opens up her laptop. As I saw her laptop, I was VERY surprised to see on her screensaver, a picture much like the one above . I couldn’t believe my eyes: because here is this girl in LAW SCHOOl, with the world at her fingertips and she obviouslly put a lot of emphasis on cheerleading (I didn’t think that UT LAW had cheerleaders…Can you say GO VOL ATTORNEYS)

So, I proceeded to ask her about the picture; assuming that she had cheerleaded during her undergrad, which would have made some sense because more than likely that would have been the previous year. She responded that she didn’t cheerlead in college and that this was a picture of her HIGH SCHOOL cheerleading squad. I was in shock! Is this ALL that this girl felt that she had going for her? What in the world was she doing in law school if she was still glorying her HS days? (Mind you, I do recognize that maybe I don’t understand because LG isn’t the traditional law student and I am not the traditional spouse of a student – I am in my thirties and he is no spring chicken himself)But, still…don’t you think that this was a little bizarre?

So, me and my big mouth, I say, “You think that you would grown out of that at some point?” I am such an idiot sometimes. I just HAVE to say what is on my mind. I regretted the question as soon as it came out and I cried when I got home for embarassing LG. LG had given me that look of surprise. (yes, I am still able to surprise him at times) Luckily, the girl never had a chance to respond because the teacher started class not a second too late.

Well, it was no surprise to me when my husband told me that this girl had dropped out of law school before her second year. I REFUSE to take the credit for her discouragement, but maybe I did cause some introspection and she decided that she was doing the wrong thing with her life. Maybe she decided that she was needed more on the sidelines of her High School’s football field. I hope that she is enjoying herself.

Wal-Mart Proposal


Boys, you gotta have the flowers

Alright, it’s about time that I tell on myself again. Here’s the latest episode of brain lapse or “talk b4 think”.

I went to Wal-Mart late Saturday night. While I was checking out I noticed a cute young couple behind me in line. Of course, I had a LOAD of groceries, and so my check-out took a while. I was brought up to be TOO friendly to strangers and of course I decided to strike up a conversation with these two.

The young girl had a dozen roses in her hand. She was standing behind the guy. I said to her, “Are those for you?” She replied with a yes. I chuckled a bit and looked at the guy and said,”Is she showing you what kind she likes?” She said, “Yeah, I guess you could say that.”

I said, “Funny, I just called my husband on the phone and told him that roses were finally coming down in price after Valentine’s Day. I asked him if I should buy some for myself.” I continued,”Now you shouldn’t have to buy flowers for yourself until AFTER you are married.” They laughed.

I then looked at the guy, elbowed him, and said, “you know what that means for you, huh? Guess you might be married real soon.”

The girl then decides to pipe up again. I think that she was trying to save her new fiance from my torture. She said,”Actually, he just proposed tonight.”

Everyone in line gave the oo’s and the aw’s….all I could think about is how absolutely crappy I had just made this poor guy feel. He proposed and then his new fiance had to go and buy herself some flowers to remember the night by.

Moral of the story: Never propose without flowers. Just do like my husband and don’t propose at all; then you won’t have to worry about it.

The Family Feud


The Wills Family 2001 Posted by Hello

This is my mom and dad and brothers and sisters along with their spouses and kids. We took this picture at a favorite beach in Carlsbad, CA, where I grew up. I had a really bad haircut just days previouslly. We called it my KD Lang cut.

Three of us were pregnant in this picture, and there have been a lot more pregnancies and births since this time.

During this same family reunion, we tried out for the family feud. We made it and returned to CA shortly after to tape the show. We were on the show during Louie’s last season. He was very nice to us. We beat the other family (I am not too sure they were really a family, because I caught a glimpse of one of the contestant’s groping his supposed cousin.)

Well, my brothers lost the money in the final round. Their answers were entertaining. One answered that he would pack a “lei” to take on his trip to Hawaii. It took a few weeks to recover from the loss. As the real family feud began before the taping when we all discussed at length who would get the money if we did win. It was somewhat of a relief when we didn’t win because then we could all go back to wishing we had more money and we didn’t have to worry who in the family deserved or needed the money more than the others. After the show, we still feuded. My very pregnant sister and I were very moody the whole 12 hr drive home and we faught with the guys, telling them that they should have let one of us sisters have a go at the final round.

All and all, we did have a great time! It is trips like this that make memories. I have to say that feuding can make a family stronger, as long as you are willing to laugh with or AT each other. This is something that everyone in my family can do well, even the in-laws. We all love to laugh! And, we always love each other and we usually make up after the feuds.

Open mouth, insert Penelope


Who names their daughter Penelope?

Shortly after my husband and I were married, he was fortunate to get a glimpse at the excitement that he would have the rest of his life…and I am not talking about the honeymoon. I am talking about a most entertaining encounter we had with a few old guy friends of mine.

We went into an ice-cream joint with my brother and his wife. As we were about to sit down, I spotted these three friends of mine. They were sitting at the table with another guy that I didn’t know and his wife and baby. She was just a few months old. Now, for the background, you have to know that these guys were the biggest jokesters…..i like hanging out with people of my own kind.

I introduced my husband, they introduced their friend, his wife, and then one of them said, “And this is their daughter, Penelope.” I instantly started cracking up, thinking that they had come up with a pretty good joke on the spot. I said, “Yeah right, who would name their daughter Penelope.” The joke was on me; her name really was Penelope. Poor LG, he could have died right there on the spot.

Isn’t She Lovely

So, today, I was at McDonald’s with the playgroup from church. The other moms were watching my youngest, Bella, eat her hamburger. They all admired her and said how cute she is. One mom said, “She is just beautiful.” I said, “I know, isn’t it great, she looks just like me?” The other mom responded with a chuckle and a look of bewilderment, “Wow, I never thought that you would actually turn that compliment into yours!” [Hey, you have to take them how you can get them.] I just laughed because I guess I think I am beautiful…that’s a good thing, right?

I have three daughters and it took me that many to get one to look like me. I told the other mom,”Well, everyone always tells me that she is beautuful and she does look just like me. I am so happy about that.” What could they say; they all agreed that she does look just like me. I guess I really am beautiful. Who would of thought that having kids could overfeed one’s ego?

No Smoke?


Would this sign become obsolete if the world would all convert to smokeless tobacco?

Alright. It is 8:30 am and not much funny has happened yet today. Unless you consider the debate that I just had with my friend’s kid about eating Honey Nut Cheerios funny. (I am watching the two older girls of the friend who had baby #3) The kid already ate breakfast before I went and picked her up, but when I gave my daughter, Sophia, some dry cereal in a bowl to snack on while watching cartoons, she wanted some too. So, I gave her the pick from my pantry. She wanted Honey Nut Cheerios. I poured them out into the bowl and handed them to her; for some reason they weren’t what she expected. She said, “I don’t want that kind.” I said,”You just said that you wanted that kind.” She said,”No, I didn’t.” I wanted to say,”Yes, you did”, but I refrained from the debate with a two year old, and started back at square one asking her which kind she would really like. She settled on Frosted Mini Wheats. Thank goodness they were aesthetically pleasing when I handed them to her in that Dora the Explorer Bowl. I made a big deal out of the bowl, when I handed it to her, to take the attention off the cereal, of course.

Well, I was just thinking of another one of my brighter moments, and thought that I would share it here. I think it is pretty funny. Shortly after we moved here to Tennessee, I found myself at a semi-professional football game. My brother-in-law Jordan was playing for this team that he called semi-professional, but it seemed like the league was made up of fat old guys that were reliving their high school glory days. Note: (in case he reads this) Jordan wasn’t old and he was only a little fat back then.

Well, I found myself in the stands with my husband, kids, and in-laws. I was a little shocked that SO many people were smoking in the bleachers. Remember, I am a Western girl. I spent my first 18 years in California and the next 12 in Utah. (both States have clean-air acts) My husband says that in TN many people farm tobacco and a clean air act would never fly. If the amount of people that I see smoking when I am out and about is any kind of indicator, I am sure that my husband is correct. My husband is a native Tennessee-an and like anyone else he is extremely defensive of his native land. So, I really wasn’t enjoying one of my first TN football experiences because of all the cigarette smoke. If this makes me shallow, sorry, I just do not want my children to die from second hand smoke inhalation.

On with the story, the mother of Jordan’s friend was sitting and talking to me. She was so friendly, like most Tennesseans. There is, for the most part, a breathtaking Southern charm here. During the conversation, I got to complaining about all the smoke and the smokers…me and my big mouth (a few weeks later, at the only other game I could stand to attend, we walked by her when she was smoking…she totally tried to hide it from me.) Well, this woman, started telling me about her son and the football team and her daughter that was getting married. I asked what her son did for work. She had mentioned that he was taking a break from college. She replied with,”He has a great job, and although it isn’t a mother’s biggest bragging right…he works for a smokeless tobacco company.”

O.k., so here is the funny part. It displays not only my naivety, but my blonde side also. I got all excited and said,”How cool…they make smokeless tobacco.” She looked astonished and said, “Oh yes, of course.” Now, there was an obvious miscommunication going on. All the time, she was talking about Chewing tobacco (that is the ONLY thing that I had ever heard it called). I thought that the amazing tobacco farmers had come up with some kind of cigarette that could be smoked without giving off any smoke. I was AMAZED and wondered why in the world more Tennesseans wouldn’t use SMOKELESS TOBACCO. Yeah, I know, I am SO funny.