Growing up I never understood that my friends were allowed
to come and go with their boyfriends as they pleased.
As a parent, I am even more perplexed by the parents
who not
only let their young daughters date,
but encourage them to do so.
It’s crazy and foreign to me.
Just like my mom and dad
and LG’s mom and dad,
we will stand by the no dating until 16 rule.
We want to keep our girls innocent and pure,
and have every expectation that they will
live according to God’s command
and follow in our footsteps
and save themselves
until marriage.
Read on for some really great rules to raising girls right.
This time General Conference was especially special for me.
Of course,
the talk about how to be a good dad to girls
was totally awesome.
I am so grateful that my girls have such a great daddy.
The ideas presented by Elaine Dalton,
who just had three sons welcome new baby girls
within a three week span, are timely, true, and tender.
Then conveniently leave it open for your hubby to find.
And if you really want to be safe,
you can always use this date my daughter application
used by the father of a good family friend.
Yeah, seriously.
He was a cop once.
And he was ultra safe.
Almost even too conservative for this conservative.
But most definitely on the certifiably paranoid schizophrenia side.
After reading this application again
and chuckling, I think God was really
good to our girls
to give them a gentle giant of a father
to even out their crazy mom.
But, at least I am not this crazy:
APPLICATION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, driving record, lineage, and current certified medical report (including drug tests) from your doctor.
1. NAME ___________________________________________DATE OF BIRTH ________________ PLEASE PRINT FOR INSCRIPTION ON TOMB STONE
2. HEIGHT ______________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q _______G.P.A.____________
3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ DRIVERS LICENSE # __________________
4. BOY SCOUTRANK____________________________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS _________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP __________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? ___yes___no
If No, EXPLAIN______________________________________________________
7. Number of years your parents have been married________________________________
8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversizedtires? ______ A waterbed? _________
Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly buttonring, or a tattoo? _____________________
(If “yes” to any of #8, discontinue applicationand leave premises
9. In 50 words or less, what does “LATE” mean to you?_________________________________________________________________________________________________
10. In 50 words or less, what does “DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER” mean to you? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does “HER FATHER IS A SNIPER” mean to you?________________
12. Church you attend _____________
How often do you attend ______________________
13. When would be the best time to interview yourfather, mother and priest/rabbi/minister?____________________________________
14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential
(That means I won’t tell anyone -ever- Ipromise.)
a) If I were shot, the last place on my body Iwould want wounded is _________________________________
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would wantbroken is my ______________________________________
c) A woman’s place is in the ______________________________________
d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _________________________
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is ______________________________________ (NOTE: If your answer begins with “T” or “A”,discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head low. Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up?____________________________________
Please Review the Following Nine Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or handsoff of my daughter’s body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely thatthey appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big,and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during thecourse of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely inplace to your waist.
Rule Four: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughtersafely back at my house, and the only word I need fromyou on this subject is “early.”
Rule Five: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, if you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Six: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time forthe movie, you should not be dating. My daughter istrying to fix her hair, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of juststanding there, why don’t you do something useful,like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Seven: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas,or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Placeswhere there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough toinduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater,and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay.Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Eight: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied,balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing,merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance totell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a sniper rifle, a shovel, and fiveacres down by the horses. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Nine: Be afraid. Be very, very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in thedriveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up,the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. Assoon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak theperimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, thenreturn to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.Should any of the above rules be misunderstood, and broken you may feel the need to run.
However you need to remember that I have my Sniper Dope (ranging abilities) out to 1000 yards, in low light conditions.Should you run you’ll only die tired!
I SWEAR THAT I HAVE READ ALL THE RULES AND THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH,DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE,ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.
______________________________________________________________
Signature (That means sign your name) Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to sixyears for processing. You will be notified in writingif you are approved. Please do not try to call orwrite. If you do attempt any communication before yourapplication is approved, automatic disqualificationwill result. If your application is rejected, you will be notifiedby two gentlemen wearing white ties and carryingviolin cases (You might want to watch your back). This is your “last chance” to check your answers.Perhaps you should check your response to question#10. This guy didn’t get it!Do you still want to date my daughter?
_____ Yes, please accept my application
_____ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house.
alice w. gold 