My Weakness

Sick of the Slinky Cycle?

In this life, we all have issues/weaknesses/faults that we are forced to tolerate/embrace/overcome. Everyone has something. Even if they don’t want to admit it. Some of us (lucky us) have a lot more than others. It seems like the people I like best are the ones with an in-between amount. They are living in reality enough to fully know themselves and are working at improvement. They aren’t full of themselves and are also not a “hot mess” (is there really such a thing?)…just in between…humble enough for them to relate to me, and honest enough for me to relate to them.

I love the story by one friend about her daughter who was struggling with a lot of physical challenges all at once. As a wise teenager she explained her situation to her mom, “I think when God lined us up, before sending us to earth, He gave us each the opportunity to see examples of trials we may face. I must have raised my hand for ALL of them.”

Here recently Momastery mentioned her progress with depression not being linear but circular. She briefly mentioned her frustration with dealing with the same issues over and over again but that she has resigned herself to progress being slow but circular. When I read her post I was reminded of a theory someone once mentioned at church. I like to call it the slinky theory. Yeah, I’m sophisticated like that.

Take your issue in the form of a flat piece of metal. Deal with the issue over and over and over again.You will be dragging that metal in circles and feeling like it is just weighing you down. Your frustrations will be pretty high. “Why am I here again?” you may lament, “I thought I already got over this?” If at that moment you will take the time to look down, you will see that you really aren’t “here” again. In fact the issue has been dealt with time and time again and “here” is actually represented by the cylinders of the slinky below you. You are in a new “here”, a higher “here”.

In that very moment if you really want to frustrate yourself you can look up and realize that, yes, you will be visiting the problem many many more times. Each future “here” will be represented by the cylinders above you on the same slinky called “menacing issue -why can’t you just go away”? This may seem awful and hopeless and cruel, but really isn’t each slinky a small little miracle? I mean even the littlest of kids know that slinkies are about the coolest thing ever. And just think: you have multiple ones going on at the same time and they are each crawling UP the stairs without stopping. It’s actually breathtaking!

Some people get the pleasure of reaching the top of their slinky. They get to retire it all together, but I dare say most of us kind of grow accustomed to our slinkies and hold on to them if only for the memories they represent.

I have a whole heck of a lot of slinkies. I am impatient, overeating, controlling, oversharing, codependent, critical, distrusting, loud, and truthfully the list goes on and on and on and on and on and….. I do believe I will stop there because I like to take my slinky building one at a time. I don’t like allowing myself to dwell and get too hopeless. I like to recognize my progress every time I am “here”. In fact, I believe that the act of recognizing that “here” is actually just a smidgen higher than the former “heres” has the ability to launch me to the next rung on the slinky a lot faster.

When I hear of the hopeless who die from suicide or give in to poverty or stay stuck in obesity or can’t shake an addiction, I relate to them. My heart goes out the them. I am just a fellow slinkier and sometimes slinky making is so painful. I ache for them, but I also ache for me. Going around those cylinders is not easy, but I wonder if anyone ever taught them (like they did for me) that making slinkies is not just acceptable but the whole purpose of this life.

So yeah, I still have forty pounds to lose, but I have also lost forty which by my calculations puts me smack dab in the middle of one of my slinkies. I’m 0nly 39 years old so surely I have at least another 39 to go. I might even get to retire this slinky all together someday, but I’ve decided to just enjoy the slow climb up the metal slide. On most of my slinkies I should be all the way to heaven by now, but they must have super tiny and tight curls because I’m really still so very close to earth. But it’s o.k. What else would I do if I didn’t have slinky making? Nothing more cool. Slinkies are the coolest.

Embracing the weakness(es)

Caroline brought this home from preschool today.
It does a really good job of outlining my weakness(es).
Unfortunately, they are plural.
She doesn’t even give away my best ones here.
(I am sure I will be visiting them all in future posts so keep coming back you moms who want to feel better about yourselves.)
Thank you pre-school teacher for the Mother’s Day gift.

1. I like to sleep too much. I’m especially awful in the wee hours of the morning. “Just give me a minute!” I am sure Caroline has heard that one too many times. One time is probably too many.

2. Instead of confessing my love enough I demand things of my children such as “clean your room.” The worst part is this is coming from Caroline who I think I do the best job of telling I love her. How must my other kids be feeling?

3. I don’t like Caroline to clean up with me. In fact I am awful about just wanting my kids to get out of my way when it comes to cleaning. I do let them help, but I need to let them always.

4. I like ALL kinds of food. Yes, I do.

(I am kind of impressed that my 3 year old really knows my favorite color)

The only bit of hope I take from this wonderful Mother’s Day gift is that Caroline still loves me. She loves me because she loves me. Thank goodness!

I take a little comfort from Ether 12:27

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humbles themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will make weak things become strong unto them.

It makes me feel better knowing that God gave me the weaknesses. They only real fault I have is not turning to him to help me overcome them. For some reason I can handle the fact that I haven’t relied on him like I should better than the fact that I am inherently flawed. Today I give myself kuddos for admitting my weakness. That’s always the first step.

In my daily study I just found a gem. Here, you too, can read the address James E. Faust was preparing for the LDS General Conference when he passed away.

He said this:

Each one of us has been given the power to change his or her life. As part of the Lord’s great plan of happiness, we have individual agency to make decisions. We can decide to do better and to be better. In some ways all of us need to change; that is, some of us need to be more kind at home, less selfish, better listeners, and more considerate in the way we treat others. Some of us have habits that need to be changed, habits that harm us and others around us. Sometimes we may need a jolt to propel us into changing.

Let us remember that the power to change is very real, and it is a great spiritual gift from God.

I guess Caroline’s Mother’s Day gift was one of my jolts. Why do they have to happen so often?

Monopoly on Self-Protection

Well, I am back in therapy. This time it is marriage counseling (for the second time.) I know, I know, I should add this fine fact to my resume – expertise on the couch – wow, that sounds kinda dirty.

It’s interesting to me that when one is in therapy they just learn the same lessons about themself over and over. Like my husband explained, “it’s like peeling layers of an onion.” And I would add, each layer just seems to make your eyes sting a little bit more.

One little tidbit about me is that I self-protect. For whatever reason I have abandonment issues, and I cling to very destructive tendencies as if they were a cobra and my only chance at a meal when I am starving. I may get to eat, but more than likely I am just going to get bit. The bite may not kill me, but it’s keeping me from eating.

I am still trying to process (you know you have a good counselor when they make your mind reel) what I learned from my last session on Friday, but several of my self-protection methods are: keeping high standards so that others won’t meet them and will inevitably let me down (making me right), staying a step ahead of everyone so they can’t touch me, and maintaining walls the size of China’s so that no one can hurt me. The degree to which these things are causing me pain is yet to be determined as my awareness is in infancy, but I certainly recognize that they are keeping me from the emotional intimacy I desire. I think our therapist read this article before our session. Good stuff.

So I am trying to work on allowing imperfections (in me and others), staying present, and being vulnerable. I suck at all three. I believe if I can let some of these unproductive and self destructive tendencies go I will learn to be happier in life but specifically in my life at home. Sometimes it can be overwhelming.

Yesterday while playing monopoly as a family I got a glimmer of hope. It happened towards the end of the game (after being reprimanded several times for being on my phone – someone took it away, wandering off to cook dinner and dessert – missing many rent payments on my properties, and generally just being a crappy game player who doesn’t know how to live in the present.

As the players got more and more desperate for money, they got increasingly grateful any time they received some cash. I thought of the similarities between the game and my bankrupt soul.

As I was able to force myself to be present during the game, the little moments I have been missing all these years were HUGE to my soul: all the girls training Caroline to tell everyone to “pay up”, Sophia lamenting because she only passed go three times the whole game, Bella being super-focused on her desired property negotiations, and me landing on boardwalk the turn right after I forced Abigail to sell her hotel.

The hope lied in the fact that I have only one way to go: up and out. Even if I have to sell all my properties to do it, it’ll be worth the sacrifice to get closer to those that I love. But maybe perhaps there is a merciful God and He’ll help me to win the game without selling a single property. When I get to the end, He’ll say, “See, you just needed to trust me.”