FunnyBlog

I have that much.
Faith is important to me.
I’ve discussed it before
here, here, here, and here.
Faith has carried me through a lot of stuff.
One of those above links
was when my husband failed the bar exam.
That was tough.
Here is how faith
influenced me
as a small child.
The story is also
a fun reminiscence
of my crazy dad
and how he jimmy-rigged
and stole (I mean borrowed)
a truck to get our
station wagon out of the mud.

So my latest trial of faith may be the hardest trial I’ve ever faced. It’s not something I can really blog about because to reveal it would not be fair to others, but it’s tough. Trust me, it’s really tough, so tough I can’t talk about it on my blog. ( And you all know I talk about everything from moobs, my body, crying myself to sleep, and even the horrible botched farce on breastfeeding.) So it’s tough and it reminds me that everyone is fighting their own hard battle, whether or not they share it.

Anyhow, I was praying about this trial last week. It was one of those big prayers in my life that I will always remember. For me it was huge on two levels. It was huge because I decided to do it after a long prideful prayer hiatus. {shame on me} And it was huge because I poured my heart out to my Heavenly Father as though he really was my Father listening and that He cared and that He would help me. I bawled like a baby and questioned, “Why?” Even if we aren’t supposed to ask “why”, I did. (This is one of my favorite addresses on trusting in the Lord and talks about not asking why) I needed to know WHY does this have to be my life when I have tried so very hard for the last 20 years to do everything right for God.

The answer came (like it always does eventually) two-fold. The answer was first a thought in my mind. “I have this trial so I will pray.” This trial is so hard that it always brings me to my knees out of desperation and God allows this in my life because He knows I will be happier with Him in my life.

The second answer came from the words out of my own mouth.

“Father, you’ve said in your scriptures that if we have the faith of a mustard seed, we can move mountains. Well, I sometimes struggle with my faith, but I know I have that much. I have at least as much as a mustard seed.”

I saw in my mind, my Father in Heaven, the most omnipotent being ever. All knowing, all powerful, and all loving, he let go of his embrace from this wailing child, he nodded at me and said, “Yes, you do. Well done. Now hold on Alice, we’re gonna move this mountain on my time.”

Faith is my greatest treasure. I hope I always keep at least a mustard seed worth.

Thanks to the book Cold Sassy Tree for another take on faith and answered prayers.
{SPOILER ALERT}

I’ll publish my book review on Cold Sassy Tree next week.
It’s a new all time favorite.

Here is some spiritual enlightenment on how to use the supernal gift of prayer. Really really good stuff.

Book Review: Touch and Go

This is a paid review for BlogHer BookClub but all opinions are my bona fied own. 
Pinkyswear promise.

Join the BookClub discussion on BlogHer here.

 Touch & GoTouch & Go by Lisa Gardner
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

You know you’ve found yourself a good thriller when a week after finishing it, your mind is still reeling and your husband is down for the count with his nose in your book. Needless to say, we both loved Touch and Go. {Warning to my very conservative readers: this book has some profanities that you won’t appreciate. Yet, it’s still a great book.}

Touch and Go by Lisa Gardner is a suspenseful piece of fiction that tells a thrilling story of the kidnapping of an affluent Bostonian businessman, his wife, and daughter. The books explores the kidnapping from several angles: the wife of the businessman – Libby, the family business’ private investigator – Tessa, and a backwoods cop from New Hampshire – Wyatt. For me, reading from each of the three perspectives added rich background and a playful mind-jogging mood. “Well if he thinks that, then what about this? If this is going on there, then why doesn’t the investigator talk to..”

I’m so glad I read the book and I’m so grateful to Lisa Gardner for writing a story that took me into my fictional reading dimension, it’s one of my favorite places to be: inside a story that exists only on the pages of a book and in my mind. Yes, I personally figured out whodunit about halfway through but that is a talent of mine. My hubby didn’t figure it out until he read it for himself and even then he didn’t believe it. Great read. Highly recommend it. I plan to go and check out more of Lisa Gardner, especially the book titled Love You More that explores the character Tessa Leoni when she used to be a cop.

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Mini-Me Bella

I recently wrote about Abigail and Sophia.
I always write about Caroline.
Well, today it is Bella’s turn.
She’s a mini-me.
Just look at the picture above
and tell me that
she isn’t a me.
Funny girl.
In the middle of it all.
Just like her momma.
The life of the party.

Sometimes I look at her in
pride and admiration
and wonder why I don’t
recognize her
strong personality traits
in myself and pat myself
on the back.

Other times
I shake my head
in shame
knowing she’s
going to experience
the same life frustrations
as I have.
I wonder if I made her the way
that she is
or if God just sent her
to me so I could have better
glimpses of myself.

I’ll start with the things I love about Bella.

Bella is thoughtful.
She is very aware of the people around her
and their feelings.
This probably stems from her own
deep feelings and sensitivity.
Of course I automatically
go to a bad place when recognizing this.
I’m sensitive too
and it gets overwhelming at times,
but really it’s a spiritual gift to be aware
of possibilities for despair in others
and to know the importance of love and support.

Bella just came home with the school
award for
dependability.
Remember a few weeks ago
Sophia was awarded with love.
I am amazed at how astute
the girls’ teachers are
in pinpointing their character traits.
Bella is dependable.
She is extremely capable.
She is a lot like me in this way.
She puts all her energy into
what she wants to accomplish.
She looks for ways to help others.
She takes pride in her accomplishments.
You can count on Bella.
She is extremely responsible.

Once again I see the downside in this
because of my own hang-ups.
I know a lot of my dependability
stems from my need to
prove myself
and I wish that I didn’t have to struggle with that.

I love watching LeGrand with Bella.
When she is having her stubborn moments
and I just can’t handle it
because I am even more stubborn than her,
LeGrand will go in and lay with her in her bed
and talk her down.
It melts my heart.
He’s her soothing balm,
and mine too.

We have four kids,
so it’s impossible to have a middle child
but if we had to choose between
Sophia and Bella,
Bella would have to be the middle.
She has middle-child syndrome.
The reason is probably because ever since
she was born,
life has been stressful.
She was born one month
before we trecked across
the country
to law-school
and has always known
poverty (until recently).
She was the youngest of 3 kids
under 5
and her mom
was always had-it.
(This is also my life story)
When Bella was 6,
Caroline was born.
She was old enough to
note when she went
from baby to
somewhere in the middle.

Bella is creative.
She loves to write and draw.
She loves to create stories
and she will read them aloud
constantly.
Again, like her mom,
it’s as though she feels
things by analyzing
other people’s experiences with them.
This is very intriguing to me.
She’s a kinsthetic learner.

Unlike me,
Bella is really good at math.
She loves math.
Also unlike me,
Bella hates spelling..
Reading is not her favorite thing
but she has grown to like it.

Like me,
Bella can talk your ear off.
Unlike me,
Bella can also listen.

Like me Bella
loves her sweets.
Unlike me,
she is a picky eater.

Also unlike me,
Bella really isn’t
in to sports.
We are hoping she might really enjoy
softball this Spring
when she plays with just the girls.
Her t-ball experience wasn’t the greatest.
Impressive though is the fact that
in our family Bella has the most
sports’ experience.
She has tried
basketball, t-ball, football,
swimming, dancing, and soccer.
Like her mom,
maybe she is destined
to become
a
jack of all trades
but master of none.

Bella loves to bake.
She is a master baker.
She wants to own her own bakery
when she grows up.

She is proud of the fact
that at 8 years old
she had saved enough money
to buy her own laptop.
The other night she told me
that she would
save enough money to buy her own car
and her own bakery.
I hope she does.
Bella is fiercely independent.
Just like her mom.

Unlike me,
she is great at saving money.
I guess she does
get some things from her dad.
Although for the life
of me I can’t think
of any other paternal comparisons right now.

Bella is insightful
and spiritual.
She recently wrote
her own primary talk
that brought the room to tears.
I wish I could do that.

Like me,
Bella is stubborn.
She’s impatient.
She constantly fights her
desire to be in charge.
She would get
at least 50%
queen executive
if she took the
archetype me test.
She loves to plan parties
and she can carry them out
on her own.
Unlike me,
she’s very aware
of her pride and bossiness
at an early age
and to her credit
she works on collaborating
and humility.

Bella loves music.
She recently volunteered
to sing a solo at church.
She refused to let me
help her practice.
Like I said
she’s a mini-me.

And I love her.

Silly

Sometimes life just calls for some silliness.
We all get way too serious.
I hope that when I die
my kids will remember
that their mom liked to have a good time.

I love to remember that about my parents.
No one loves a good water fight better
than my mom and dad.
They are known for even breaking them
out in the middle of dinner.

One time they got so
competitive
that my mom ended up
in the emergency room.
She had slipped and fell
and hit her head
on some bricks.
They had a hard
time convincing
the doc
that my dad
wasn’t a wife-beater.

Just a week before
my nephew Braxton
died
a bunch of us
were at my parent’s house.
Mom did her thing
and bought all kinds of
balls, silly string, hula-hoops,
and fun things
for the kids and adults alike.
I am so glad I have those memories

This photo of LG is pretty awesome.

of Braxton giggling and having fun.

Go to your local dollar store
and buy some silly string.
Store it away where the kids
won’t find it.

Pull it out the next time
life gets tense.
You’ll see why silly
is so vital
in all of our lives.
Your problems will melt away.

These photos were taken on Christmas Day.
Uncle Logan and Aunt Jill
were here too
but they don’t like to be photographed.

Notice the covered bigscreen
and non-covered picture frames.
One minute of silly
is worth 5 minutes of clean-up.


Perhaps though my favorite
time of the day
was right before
the silly string fight commenced.
I found Abigail in her room
all dressed up in camoflauge
ready for the war.
It’s moments like these
that I feel validated

in the fact
that I am teaching
my kids a little good.

Almost Monochromatic
It’s been snowing for
what seems like months.
Today is the second blue sky in
about four weeks.
True story.
Every other day has just been
white everywhere you look.
How my soul loves
the beauty
of a the blue sky
among the
black and white earth.

Winter white.
Everywhere
the eye can see.
The earth
seems
black
under
blanket
after blanket
of
snow.
Dead.
Yet
piercingly
beautiful.
The white
touches the white
part of my soul.
And the black
touches the black.
The complexity
of my emotions
seems to find
a balance
among the
monochromatic
landscape.
The only
colors
that surround
are
black,white, and brown.
And then the clouds lift
and
blue shines through.
Like a breath
of fresh air.
Or water
to the thirsty
Sahara traveler
who reached
her oasis.
There is blue
in my soul too.
And red,
and yellow.
The colors release
to find the sky
and remind me
of my beauty
amidst
the wintery white.

There is Hope

Does love really hurt?

No.
The lack of love does.
Love is the best feeling that exists.
It’s more than a feeling.
It’s a state of mind.
And nothing is better than love.
Nothing.
I love someone very much.
That person keeps hurting me.
Repeatedly.
I go to God in prayer
and ask Him to release me
from the hurt.
Release me from the pain.
“Please,” I beg.
I don’t want to hurt anymore.
I don’t want to let myself not be loved.
I want out of it.
Let me out.
This morning I got the same answer
I keep getting.
I’ve been getting it for years.
Hang on. Hold on thy way.
Keep on keeping on.
Be patient.
Stand by.
Be loyal.
Love.
Even if it hurts.
Do as I do.
Be strong.
Oh, and by the way Alice,
you aren’t the best at
loving either.
So maybe you can
change too
while I give the other person
the same answer in your behalf.
That’s how God loves.
I wish I was more like Him.
I hope I can be.

You know who you are.
This song is for you.
I’m sorry.
I will try to love better.


When I get done praying
and pouring my heart out.
God doesn’t shame me.
He tells me there is always hope.
For all of us.

PepTalk

Thanks to the kid-president
 for my pep-talk today.
I needed this.
Just two days ago I vowed to myself
to stay off facebook this week,
but right now I am really glad
that my self-will is weak
so that I could find this
in my hour of need.
Whenever I need a pep-talk
the most, it’s always out there for me to find.

For the past week,
I’ve been venturing back
into the college world.
My meeting with my
English Department counselor
was discouraging.
I have to retake the ACT,
which scares this girl
with an extreme case of math/science
aversion to DEATH.
It’s not like I did so smoking hot
the first time
and it is like I’ve been out of
school for 10 years.
Who knew an ACT expired?
Yes, I am that old.

To add an extra measure
of anxiety,
the aforementioned meeting
with the counselor
ran a little late
making me 10 minutes
late to pick up Caroline
from pre-school.
I had to use some of
my very protected blogging money
to buy the pre-school teacher
a gift-card to go along
with my begging for forgiveness.

You see, she had loaded up Caroline
in her car so she could
take her daughter to kindergarten
as I was that late.
Lucky for me
our vans converged at the
end of her street
and I was able to fetch Caroline
before she was whisked away
from my knowledge.
Whereas my total nervous
breakdown was avoided by a hair,
but left me second guessing
my decision to go back to college.
How can a mom of 4
ever pull this off?
Really it seems impossible.
It seems too insane to even attempt.
My plates are already overflowing
like thanksgiving at 2 p.m.
Do I really want to add pie
before I’ve had time
for the rest to digest?

But the kid president came to my rescue.
For which I am grateful.
I can do this.
Yes I can.
I’m gonna dance myself
all the way through
to that very coveted Bachelor Degree.
Or at least pretend
it’s dancing
when it really will be me
running around
like a chicken with my head cut off.
Come to think of it,
that’s kind of what my dancing looks like
anyways
might as well get something for it.

Book Review: Before the Dawn

Before the DawnBefore the Dawn by Dean Hughes
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I forgot how much I love Dean Hughes as an author. I haven’t read anything of his in quite sometime, but I am so glad that I found this book at the local library. It was so touching and inspiring.

This historical fiction book, even though focused on the LDS women’s organization called Relief Society, can be enjoyed by people of all faiths. The greater story told is the power of womanhood, and the importance of community: loving and caring for one another. Community works best when it consists of people who all want to give but are willing to humble themselves to take once in a while too.

I cried a lot while reading this book. I took an emotional journey with the fictional small Utah town during the Great Depression. I personally related to the main character: a hard-nosed independent stick her foot in her mouth Relief Society President. In the book she was described by a friend as a coconut: all hard on the outside but all milk/meat on the inside. I also related a lot to many of the other women in the book: the ones living in poverty, the ones living with means, and especially the ones living in desperation.

Mostly this book made me proud to be a part of the greatest women’s organization in the world: The Relief Society. It reminded me of so much good that is accomplished world-wide and it brought to the surface of my heart all the good that has been done in my personal life because of my associations with good women.

I highly recommend this book to be read by all women everywhere. I love how Hughes always ties in his historical facts so well. I mostly love how he masterfully tells stories of humanity. The characters in this book will stay with me for a long time. I hope they will whisper to me in the moments when I need to be reminded to let down my pride, to reach out and help others, and especially when I need to try and understand better my enemies.

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My fashion designer
I posted about Sophia the other day
and it got me thinking I should brag on my other girls too.

This is Abigail.
She is so super creative.
Which is interesting
because she is even more smart
than she is creative.
I think smart and creative
can be a
dynamic duo
towards an amazing life
full of discovery.

Here is Abigail’s
50’s outfit
she threw together
for a dress up day
back in Fall.

She is pretty amazing.
She is our go-to girl
for all things
fashion, hair, and make-up.

I so appreciate that she has taken on this role as it’s not one that I want. At all. This girl loves clothes and shoes. I took her to a half-off day at the thrift store on Monday and she picked out nothing. I went to check her temperature and she said, “Mom, I really am getting a handle on my shopping addiction.” I do take pride that as a mother we have created a family where open communication is not just encouraged but valued above mostly anything else. I want nothing more than real for me and my little family. Sometimes it can be painful to navigate through the real, but anything less would be a life of denial and fake.

This year Abigail took a Tech class at school where she as the only girl learned the beginnings of engineering.
She was really good at it and kept right up with all the male students. Her teacher sang her praises to me. That’s my Abigail. She refuses to conform to society’s norms. She says she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up. She loves to dissect things. I do believe she can do it. Even though she’s not inherently organized she is extremely disciplined when she chooses to be and she is as bright as her hero Einstein.

Abigail is athletic  She lives for soccer. She is a great runner: fast. She is fun to watch on the field as she can always catch any other player even from halfway down the field. She makes a great mid-fielder. She got the PE award at school last year. This may seem kind of funny when you consider how smart this girl is, but it’s totally perfect as she loves healthy living. She loves to be active, she will be the first to tell you when she needs to move. Moving helps keep her ADHD in control and so Abigail takes PE at school if she has holes to fill. When Abigail was a toddler her favorite foods were milk and salad. She continues to live in this tradition: eating the healthy choice over the non-healthy 9 times out of 10. LG and I watch her green with envy whenever she eats dessert. She can eat whatever she wants and has to focus on weight gain. No fair!

She also loves music. She loves to sing in choir and she can always be found attached to her iTunes  watching YouTube videos, or plunking away on our piano. She is so much like her dad in the smarts that I forget that she is also a lot like me too. She is teaching herself how to play piano just like I did (she, like me, doesn’t have the patience to take lessons.)

She is also a total extrovert. She gets her social side from me. She gets her easy-going from her dad. She is learning to have more meaningful relationships and to be more considerate of others’ feelings. In one way the fact that she is wired without an overabundance of emotion is really nice: 1.less drama and 2.she makes her way fine in a man’s world, but in another way it has been a challenge as Abigail struggles to understand other people with an overabundance of emotion. She forgets that people have feelings. It is so fun to watch her with her best friend Katie who we love and adore and would adopt if we could. We so appreciate Katie’s total acceptance and loyalty to Abigail. It has been the driving force behind Abigail trying to learn to be more kind: she will never admit it but I think she wants to be like Katie in this regard.

Abigail is gorgeous which means that there is always a plethora of boys trying to vie for her attention. She is only 13 1/2 and has been dragged into the world of boys too soon for her own good. She has had two experiences where she has let boys too close and then felt suffocated. From a mother’s point of view this is a good thing, but it has also been hard to see Abigail trying to make sense of it all. I guess that is the part that makes letting your kids grow up the hardest: you don’t want them to hurt and you don’t want your kids to hurt others. It seems though that Abigail has learned a lot about herself from those experiences and that is all a mother can ask for really.

Take it all away. Say Abigail gets into a life-changing accident where she no longer is pretty or athletic or smart, what is she? I have thought about this often. One of Abigail’s life challenges is being praised for her abilities, it seems to mess with her sense of worth. She feels a pressure to live up to her picture perfect expectations. In fact this year at school when she had an assignment in choir to go out of  her comfort zone for a week, Abigail chose to wear sweats and no make-up to let go of her perfect image. Thank you to good teachers who really teach the important things in life, this is a project that will stay with Abigail forever. I hope she will learn to be true to herself and her morals and never do anything just for the sake of people pleasing.

Here are some inherent personality traits of Abigail:
curious
open-minded
determined
creative
hands on
energetic
adventurous
fun
funny
detail-oriented
risk-taker
courageous
analytical
observant
spontaneous
capable
durable

I love my Abigail. We adore her. We know she has it hard being the oldest but we so appreciate the example that she sets for her sisters. I am so proud to have such a capable daughter. I know she will be able to accomplish anything she wants to do and I can’t wait to see all that her life will hold. I just kind of hope that sometime somewhere down the road her and I will be able to take some cool adventures together. If I have to travel I want Abigail to come with me. She can figure out anything. She’s plain awesome.

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