In Memory of LeGrand Gold

My husband of 26 years passed away last week after a long hard 2-year battle with colon cancer.

Go here for the audio of the reading of the obituary at the funeral. The audio is missing just the short beginning paragraph.

Here is the obituary script, written mostly by our daughter, Sophia Marie Gold.

LeGrand Gold:
A Little Life of a Large Man

July 22 1975 – February 8, 2024

Written by Chat GPT, Alice Wills Gold,
and edited (just a little, OKAY maybe a lot) by Sophia Gold

The following obituary is an educated guess as to what LeGrand would have wanted to say, had he not put off writing his own obituary for just one day too long. It is written in first person, from his perspective, and hopefully, if we did him justice, for just one more moment you might remember how he could make just about anybody laugh, and you may remember how loved a simple conversation with him could make you feel. Going into this obituary, it is important to know that LeGrand was adamant about remaining humanized after death. He reminds you all that he “is not a knight in shining armor or a kamikaze fighter. He is no prince, no saint, and he doesn’t walk on water.” To honor him best, we remember him “simply as someone you could always fall back on.”

Welcome beloved friends and family, brothers and sisters, thank you all for being here. If you are hearing this, it is because I have finally succumbed to a poorly dealt hand, consisting of colon cancer, a really big thigh zit, a little bit of liver failure, and Alice. But don’t let it get to you, because like I’ve always told those closest to me, “life is short and then you die, so don’t sweat the small stuff.” And if recent events have taught me anything, it’s that in the grand scheme of everything, my poorly dealt hand feels like pretty small stuff now. Except for Alice, we all know she’s larger than life, and I promise I love her for it.
My name is LeGrand Gold, with a capital G. I’m LG to those who love me most, and yes, I am including Dolly Parton in with the rest of you. I am speaking to you now, from the great beyond, through my little brother, Logan, who I entrust to present my obituary with the perfect amount of wit and humor. Which is incredibly important to this obituary, for these two reasons:

1. I would rather make you laugh than cry.
2. I really hate funerals.

My desire to make people laugh is why I wanted to write my own obituary. And now it makes sense to you all why this entire thing has been, and will be, in first person. Don’t worry, Logan is alive and well. He isn’t speaking about himself. I am still the dead one.

Now we move on to my player stats (which is a basketball joke, for anybody who didn’t get it). I was born on July 22, 1975 in Johnson City, TN, to my parents, Alice Faye Gold and Duane Gold. My childhood was a delightful mix of adventures with the neighborhood crew, riding bikes with the Vienna Sausages packed in my backpack, lightning bug face paint, one Eagle Scout award (which I am forever grateful to my diligent mother, for her determination in helping me receive), a few Nintendo consoles, a lot of basketball, one unfortunate zipline accident, and probably too many animals, all of which are happy to have me back. Although there is a paralyzed hamster up here with an odd fear of walls and some choice words for my rambunctious brother Jordan, and I’m sorry to say it, Jordan, but he is still really unhappy with you.

From early on, I’ve been a laid-back and down to earth kind of guy, which seems like maybe an understatement. In fact, I’m so laid back, I’m completely horizontal, and I’m so down to earth I think you could estimate I’m about 6 feet under. But on a more sincere note, I am blessed with incredible patience. I like to show off this particular skill set in most things I do. Meaning, I prefer to wait 3-5 days minimum to start things, and to really drive the point home, I like to wait an extra 3-5 days to finish those things. My wife has affectionately taken to calling this “procrastination”. I’m still deciding if I agree with her. Get back to me in 3-5 days, I’ll have my answer then.

I was patient with my siblings, friends, marriage, children, and from a place of love, I’m going to throw my marriage in this list one more time. I rarely complained, so this is my one opportunity to claim double points for a holy matrimony that could rival the most dramatic of March Madness matchups. A decade of counseling, a week-long stay in a mental hospital, a secret sauce of stubbornly choosing each other, and my high tolerance levels all culminated in pure joy, love and laughter. Marriage is hard but started to pay off when my wonderful, loud, talented, beautiful, smart, and fiercely independent wife got a job that kept some spare change in our bank accounts. Her insane work hours kept her prying eyes a perfectly far enough distance away, so I could buy all the baseball cards, Funko Pops, and a potentially surplus amount of stuff from Amazon without her ever even suspecting foul play. I am a collector of small stuff, and she was generous enough to take my advice to not sweat the small stuff, and only now can I admit that I have perhaps bought too much small stuff. She loves me for my flaws, for my strengths, and for my complete person. My dearest Alice will often joke about how incredible it is that after all this time I still managed to love her. To this I can only reply, Alice, you complete me. Since the day we met, my biggest fear has been losing you, but I am happy to report that I have been enjoying a porch swing built by your dad and all I can talk about is how much I am looking forward to an eternity of swinging with you.

I am a lifelong member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. My mission was served in Ogden, Utah, where I was a district leader for 18 of 24 months. This was perfect for me because I think that leadership is most effective, not when giving obvious directions, but by being an example of a humble and relatable human being. And for 3 of my 18 months of being a district leader, I got to look like I was important to a sister missionary that would become my future wife. Eleven months after my mission and five months after hers, we were married in the Salt Lake Temple, just like all of my Gold family ancestors back to pioneer times. I spent many years working with the young men, where 1-2 times a week I got to pass along my love for the great sport of basketball. My uncanny ability to connect with the youth, both on and off of the court, allowed me to yet again lead by example, and hopefully leave a legacy of empowered and capable young men behind me. Through my personal experience with Jesus Christ I lived as a living witness, and now a dead one, of how Jesus Christ and his Gospel can enable the smallest, biggest, or even the grandest of men to discover the power to find peace and joy, and live as a constant reminder to “fear not little flock” through any battle, even the uncertainty of dying young. I hope the quiet, nearly silent way I have lived has provided an example for my children, and anybody else who may forget, to leave room for a still small voice, and never to lose yourself in a world that is so full of extra noise.

Another trait I possess is an innate ability to go with the flow. My wife likes to call this one “indecisiveness”, but I really don’t care which one you call it. This is the trait I lean on to justify having 4 different college degrees and 3 different careers by the time I was 45. I prefer not to say that I couldn’t decide what I wanted to do, but that I was becoming a master at embracing the rapidly-changing, organic, and dynamic nature of life. Plus, I like to think that my 4 degrees is another one of my collections. This collection includes one associates degree, one Bachelors in Computer Science, one MBA, and one “Juris Doctor” from the University of Tennessee, which is more affectionately referred to in my home as “the forsaken law degree”. I personally value this degree in a more unique way than the rest, because a shiny, fancy law degree means, technically, you all get to address me as Esquire. I decided this fun fact deserved a spot in my obituary, although it was harder to find a punchline about the word Esquire than I had anticipated, so instead I thought I would just throw it right in the middle and let you all know that “Esquire LeGrand Gold” is an objectively cool thing to be called. And all it cost me was $150,000 of student debt. It was totally worth it. Plus I put my degree to good use and discovered a pretty great legal/financial loophole. It turns out, if you die, you never have to finish paying off those loans. Pretty clever of me, isn’t it?

I am incredibly proud to say that up until last week, I was the Highest Paid Computer Programmer 1 in my entire company. I was almost the Lowest Paid Computer Programmer 2, but I took a long look at myself and thought that I felt much more like being the Highest Paid Computer Programmer 1. Thank you Conservice, I appreciate yet another objectively cool title. In what can only be described as a full circle moment, my latest and favorite career was also the one I wanted to pursue in my 20s and was the first college degree I collected. In my youth I was too nervous that “computer programmer” was a career for smart people, so naturally I became a lawyer instead. It took me 4 years of law school, 2 attempts at the bar exam, and 2 years of practicing law to understand that I always was one of those smart people and that I was much smarter than I needed to be to practice law. After I had this realization it only took me another decade to actually commit to a career which turned out to be largely googling stuff. I really love googling stuff, so that worked out pretty well for me.

Somewhere in the middle of my life, Alice and I had 5 children: Abigail, Sophia, Bella, Caroline, and Maximus. They are my biggest accomplishment, and my most diverse collection. Alice likes to say they worship the ground I walk on, but I haven’t noticed. I’ve been too busy admiring the stars that they reach for. I am so proud of you all, and I am still watching diligently to enjoy who you are and who you become. I also solemnly swear, none of you are adopted, and you all have the same dad, no matter how many times you tell Bella that one of those two things isn’t true. To quote Mr. George Clooney, “I am the only daddy you got, I am the damn paterfamilias.” It is often debated which one is my favorite child. Is it Abigail? My first-born, who taught me how to experience unconditional love and who impresses me with her steadfast dedication and determination. She is my collector, my experimenter, and of all my children, only she has braved a math class I have not been able to assist with. Her intelligence rivals my own. Is it Sophia? Who tries so hard to follow in my footsteps, in career, sense of humor, music taste, and who has always made me proud. She is kind and patient. Of everybody I have met, she is the only one so far who is able to love exactly the same way as me. Is it Bella? Who has an unwavering testimony and who is so similar to my wife that it only makes sense I would love her just as deeply? She is opinionated, loud, stubborn, and fiercely independent, but she is also understanding, soft, open-minded, and caring. In those ways she takes after me. Is it Caroline? Who is a natural entertainer and care-taker, and who has put a smile on my face every single day of her existence, even on my hardest ones? She is patient and understanding. I’ve never seen somebody with a greater sense of empathy. I suppose somebody must have seen the future while picking the name for my sweet Caroline. Or maybe it’s Max, my only boy, my little buddy, my mini me. We have understood each other without so much as a single word exchanged. Our connection is somehow both a mystery to most, yet the one thing that has always made the most sense. Max taught me how to love myself, because he is a reflection of me, and I love him completely. The answer is overwhelmingly simple. They are all my favorites. Which becomes much less of a compliment considering I have always said that my favorite child is the one who needs the most help.

Children, you are all a mess, and I love you no matter what, please be nice to mom. Alice, please be nice to the kids. And please make sure all of your kids call me LeGrandPa, I’m picking out all of the best ones for you. I also want you to know that Olive, Kitty Bear, Kit, Ellie, three hamsters, two fish, and Cotton Eye Joe say hello, and they have been keeping these grandbabies equally as entertained and loved as they used to keep you.

On that note, I understand that I said I didn’t want to make anybody cry, but the most important part of a good sense of humor is to always stay unpredictable. And just so you all know, I’m really enjoying this funeral.

I am survived by my to-do list, my parents Duane and Alice Faye Gold, my four younger siblings and their spouses, Amy and Tyler Niebuhr, Jordan and Megan Gold, Alice Michelle Gold, Logan and Jill Gold, my beloved wife, Alice Wills Gold, our five wonderful children and their spouses/person: Abigail and Kaleb Sweeten, Sophia Gold and Michael Drummond, Isabella Gold and Davy Griffin, Caroline Grace, and Maximus LeGrand.

The party I’m joining has a guest list consisting of my grandparents, Uncle John, Nancy Boyer, cousin Chris, aunt Alice (I know a lot of Alices), father-in-law Rick, nephew Braxton, Caleb Smith, and my many Mormon pioneer ancestors.

I am the designated driver for my mother-in-law, Sharon Wills, who needed somebody to pick her up and deliver her safely so that this party could finally get interesting.

In lieu of flowers, to honor my memory, I request that you give yourself some grace for putting off that thing you’ve been meaning to do for 3-5 days now. And if you wanted to spend the flower money anyways, my children have a lot of degrees to live up to. I would love to help them achieve this without considering dying to avoid paying their student loans. Cheers to my life well-lived. May the laughter continue on your side, as I will also take it with me to every eternal cosmic jam session to which I am invited – well, at least the ones with apple pie and root beer.