So it’s 12:30 and I can’t sleep. I’m here at the hospital. Yesterday between 10 & 1 my doctor cut me open and removed my prolapsed uterus and stitched up my bladder. It’s pretty weird that I feel so peaceful about not having any more kids.

It’s strange knowing that I will never give birth again. I’m not sad about it as I’m 41 and have a 3 month old who is kicking my old dragging butt. I have five kids and that’s enough for me. In fact it may be a little more than I can handle.

Funny as I lay in the hospital, where my kids aren’t allowed to visit, there are still reminders of them that help me remember WHO I am: I’m mom.

Last night I watched Abigail’s concert via live stream. It was pretty hard to focus as I was all drugged up, but seeing my oldest beautiful teenage daughter singing joyfully warmed my heart more than anything could.

I was super worried about leaving my youngest Baby Maximus for three days, but I was placed in a room with a portrait of twins that look so much like Max.

I have very tender feelings about motherhood right now. Being mom is who I am. It’s what I choose to do every day.

This guy may just be three months old, but I’ve been mom for almost 16 years with an eternity to go. I absolutely adore my children.

My doctor assured me that I wouldn’t have hormone issues since we left my ovaries, but he said some women get very melancholy because of the psychological effects of knowing they can no longer bare children. I told him
I’d be fine. I feel very secure that I’ve brought all the kids to the world that I was charged to do. It’s a great feeling.

Being a mom is the third best thing I’ve ever done in this life. The first is living the gospel. The second is becoming a wife. Funny, how all these things are connected to each other…as part of God’s plan.

His plan for me to be a mother, just as He is my Father is so very humbling. I want to be the kind of parent He is. I want to be the kind of child that makes Him proud. I think my role as mother brings him joy, just as it gives me joy.

Parenting is God’s gift to us. It serves as a constant reminder of His love for us and His trust in us.

I was touched by my dad’s Thanksgiving speech this year.

Dad’s thanksgiving speech 2014:

^^^I just watched this after having it posted for a month and realized that I missed the “touching” part of the speech. It came before I started videoing. Yes, I am an airhead sometimes. The touching part was when my dad said something to the effect of, “You are all loved. You were all wanted.”

All 49 of us minus a few on missions, one grandkid who led the way to heaven, and a couple celebrating with their dad got together at my oldest brother Erick’s house. It was such a beautiful gathering.

My dad nailed the tender feelings of a parent. We are all loved by each other. That’s what family is about.

Life isn’t about anything but learning to be one big happy family.

Having major life-altering surgery has caused me to reflect on how blessed I am.

Not only has my immediate family stepped in to do my job while I recover, but so many friends have helped in so many small ways. The love is tangible.

I may not be giving birth ever again (giving life to my children is the greatest thing I’ve done with my life) but I can always continue to love.