Marriage

Lessons from the Trail: Desire and Effort

Last week the marriage counselor gave LG and I a big challenge that we’ve been trying to acheive. LG is to be in charge and do everything that I normally do and I am supposed to learn how to quit being in charge and follow LG in a support role. When she gave us the assignment last week I lamented, “You don’t understand, I don’t do well when things go wrong. You just upped the possibility of things going awry by about 400%.” She understands perfectly. She’s good at what she does. She wants to help me learn to let go and stop trying to control everything and she also wants to help LG to conquer his fear of screwing up which I have exacerbated for 16 years.

She explained, “Alice, you will be fine. Just remember you can’t judge people by outcome, you have to judge solely on the principles of desire and effort.” “If LeGrand goes to the store and brings home all the wrong stuff, just know it isn’t the end of the world. He can fix it. He can return whatever was too expensive. When he gets home with not even one thing that was on the list, you can be happy because he has the desire to partner with you and he made the effort to do it. ” I tried to breathe. She was totally right, but for some weird reason, I have the hardest time letting people make mistakes. I’m still trying to understand it, but I committed to do better even without the wisdom of understanding my irrationality. I took out a pen from my purse and wrote the words DESIRE and EFFORT in about a 34 font on my left hand. I needed all the help I could get to remember, especially when things went wrong.

So, all this was on my mind as I headed out onto the trail on my bike yesterday. With the ink residuals on my hand, I could no longer read the words but I had memorized them after a few days. I watched the other people on the trail, like I always do. I was in the middle ground of cyclists. I have a mountain bike that I push to the max. I do about twelve miles per hour and get a good workout aiming for at least 15 miles per ride. I am always somewhat astounded when the “real” cyclists go whizzing past me with their fancy road-bikes and padded shorts with matching bike jerseys. They must be doing about twenty-five mph. I off-set my disappointment in my slower self by passing up the even slower more relaxed riders on beach cruisers and tandems.

It couldn’t have hit me harder yesterday if it was an alien ship landing right on top of me. Everyone on the trail, no matter what their speed or clothing or bike or size had a desire to ride. And if they were on the trail, they had put forth the effort.

We were all winning! No judgement needed. We were all riding. We all had desire and we all had put in different levels of effort. Yes, some of us had a much greater ability (WHY CAN’T I HAVE THE GREATEST ABILITY?) but we were equal in desire and had all exerted effort. Yeah for us!

Now if I can just translate this lesson from the trail onto things more personal I know I will be much happier. Others’ cycling abilities don’t really personally affect me, but when they don’t remember to take out the trash it does. I am still trying to figure out how to handle those more personal moments of disappointment. How do you give someone an A for effort when they forget and there really was no effort at all? I guess at that point I should just hand out an A for desire and give the ADHD members of my family some serious grace.

Some scriptures on desire and effort.

Yea, in the way of thy judgments, O Lord, have we waited for thee; the desire of our soul is to they name, and to the remembrance of thee. ~ Isaiah 26:8

As newborn babes, desire the sincere milk of the word, that we may grow thereby ~ 1Peter2:2

Some Mormon doctrine for my LDS friends.

Behold, I speak unto all who have good desires, and have thrust in the their sickle to reap. Behold, I am Jesus Christ, the Son of God. I am the life and the light of the world. I am the same who came unto mine own and mine own received me not. But verily, verily, I say unto you, that as many as receive me, to them will I give power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe in my name. Amen. ~Doctrine and Covenants 11: 27

And it is requisite with the justice of God that men should be judged according to their works; and if their works were good in this life, and the desires of their hearts were good, that they should also, at the last day, be restored unto that which is good. ~ Alma 41:3

Here is some good food for thought I just enjoyed on the subject of desire. And here is an address by the intellectually advanced Neal Maxwell.

Moon River

Today is my man’s 38th birthday.
I would like to dedicate this song to him.

I see the whole world when I am with you LG.
I am so blessed to be your wife.
You are better than a huckleberry friend.

My favorite place to be with you
is naked under the sheets
when there is a big wide moon outside our window.

{Get over it – it’s my blog – we’ve had 4 kids – we obviously get naked together once in a while.}

My happiness is contingent upon my man’s happiness.
I am so glad that we can work together towards our combined dreams.

For me, birthdays and my obligation to celebrate them
are a great indicator of the most important people in my life.
LeGrand (I call him LG) is at the very top of my list
and from the day I married him his position at the top has never changed.
I’ve added four beautiful girls to the next top slots on the list.
Friends have come and gone on the list, or changed position from Top 10 to bottom 200. Lol

He’s changed. I’ve changed. We’ve changed.
But the love just gets stronger.
It’s beautiful.
Breathtakingly beautiful.

How We Love Being Rested {vlog}

We have four children therefore we are always tired. (I wonder if the amount of possible sleep lessens with each kid or if we were to keep adding a few if it wouldn’t really make much of a difference) It’s always so easy to understand why I have a hard time loving my life when I have gotten a great stretch of sleep: duh? I’m exhausted!

Today I really enjoyed a nice lazy morning with the hubby hub hubs. {I even got him in on the vlog – and yes I did pay up for the bribe right after I turned off the camera}

Wow. This morning was so nice. I was happy all day long not just because I was rested but because I started my morning doing the one thing that I love and miss: SLEEPING. I cannot ever get enough sleep. I truthfully would live my life to the fullest and be the most happy and productive if I could get 12 hours a night preferably between the hours of midnight and noon. (It’s my life goal to someday live up to the scripture about being early to bed and early to rise)

It’s always nice to sleep cuddled up with the hubby and he is the BEST about letting me tuck my right knee up into his right ribcage (I sleep on the tummy and he sleeps on his back) and warm my toes in between his massive calf muscles. In the winter LG serves as the best electric blanket ever. He’s hotter than Jacob the warewolf, but truthfully I actually sleep better without him in the bed. He snores sometimes (o.k. 80% of the time) and I love LOVE love having the whole bed to stretch out in and taking all the blankets for myself.

So in my optimal world I guess I would just require 10 hours of sleep with an hour before and after the actual sleeping for cuddling time with my man. (or whatever else the cuddling may or may not lead to)

Aren’t Fred and George Weasley from Harry Potter the best characters of all time. I want twin boys and I want to name them Fred and George. No joke. Talk about not getting any sleep.

What do I need?

urinetown

Wow, it’s been a really difficult 7 days. LG and I had a little bit of a tiff on our date on Friday night. We don’t really fight anymore, just disagree.

He is gone two nights a week. One for his church calling then basketball and one for a weekly meeting. As we were waiting in line to see the worst musical ever written, I laid my concern out there. “LG, I need a night off during the week. You are gone two nights and I am really overwhelmed at home. It’s just really hard to do what I do 12 hours a day. Not having work this past week has made me even more cranky. This week has been emotionally overtaxing when I haven’t any chance at all to escape motherhood.” LG responded like he does often on the defense, “Alice, it’s not like I am having fun those two nights.” And then, “I get it, I really do.”

I kind of came unglued. “No, you DON’T get it. You go to work every day and then you come home and eat dinner, whereas two nights a week, you then leave. Yes, you took care of stuff after work for the past 2 months while I was at work, and you know how hard and long those days were, but you DON’T GET IT. You don’t do all the laundry and cook all the meals. You don’t get what it is like to be a mom home day after day, baby after baby, toddler after toddler. Your hubby pursues all his academic/professional dreams and you are home with kids. The days turn into weeks, the weeks turn into years, and one day you wake up and think ‘what have I accomplished? Anything at all?”

I guess you could say I’m having a midlife crisis. I really am. On the way home LG poured out his heart to me, “Alice, I’m sorry. I don’t get it. I do get that you are miserable to be around lately and I can’t fix it for you. Take a night of the week. Take all the time you want. Just figure out what you need.” Yeah, he’s a jewel.

Except I stayed stuck in his first defensive reply and didn’t feel supported or justified in my one night of the week.

But, really it’s not about the night of the week. It’s about me getting what I need. And I don’t know what the heck I need.

Faith and Trust

As I chatted with a friend in need yesterday, I was able to walk her through some of her abandonment issues. We are very much alike. She was at the end of her rope with the issues in her marriage and was ready to call it quits.

I asked her if she had received any answers from her prayers about what she should do. She easily spouted off two different thoughts that she had been having, but immediately dismissed them as answers from the past. “What I need is an answer for right now”, she lamented.

I questioned, “But, you thought about those two previous answers in the last few days, right?”

She answered, “Yes.”

I questioned, “And you don’t consider that an answer?”

She sheepishly admitted that maybe it was. She was just so caught up in protecting herself that she didn’t want to listen.

I get that. I get it intimately.

You see, her and I both have great faith, but what we lack is the ability to trust that God will work all things together for our good. We have abandonment issues therefore no one can be fully trusted, including God Almighty. We will push everyone away first so that they can’t be blamed later for letting us down. Our delicate little hearts don’t think they can handle any form of disappointment no matter how minor so we choose misery for ourselves without admitting it. When we look back on our lives, we can spout of thousands of ways we have been abandoned. Maybe millions if given enough time.

The problem in lacking that trust is that we create extreme distress in our lives. We can’t be happy in any moment (good or bad) because we can’t trust that 1- we are worthy of happiness and 2-there is anything better out there for us. We base our most important decisions from the lens of the darkest glasses.

“But, what if He is going to work it out?” I asked. “What if you are going to get the happy ending, would that change your decision today?”

The answer came without a whole of conviction, “Probably.” It hit me between the eyes. Probably? She couldn’t even commit to changing her thought patterns even with the greatest future scenario. In that moment I got my message from God. I can’t change my thought patterns either. But, what if I could? How would I change? If I could really 100% trust Him would I do things differently?

My answer was a resounding, “Yes.” And right at that moment yesterday I made the decision that if I can’t trust my loving Heavenly Father to give me the best that he has, I might as well pack up and head straight to hell because that is where I am stuck when I don’t trust. If I can trust, He can give me all that hath. First I have to believe it, and so today trusting is my focus. It is scary. Real scary.

And now I know why Proverbs 3:5-6 has always been one of my favorites:

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”

Paths are plural and way too often I don’t take his paths because I can’t trust that they are better than mine. I’m a fool.

Here is a great message about faith and trust.

Yesterday

I struggled yesterday. It was kind of the opposite of the Beatles song where “all my troubles seem so far away”. I was hating life. I just didn’t want to be here at home. I didn’t want to be at the mercy of my family for another day. I could blame it on my anti-depressant still kicking back in or my lack of sleep, but what it really boils down to is that I was lacking the light. I had burned it out with my negativity and selfishness. I didn’t start my day out with the family or with my God in study and prayer, but stayed in bed letting LG take care of getting the girls out the door. Then when Caroline insisted on my attention just a half an hour later my resentment began and just seemed to grow throughout the day.

I put a little ditty out on facebook asking friends for advice on how they are happy at home: I got all kinds of advice, none of which was anything new that I don’t know already. When my first attempt for help on facebook didn’t work, I called a good friend and begged to know the trick to being happy. Surprisingly she said she had no idea. I was so validated by both my friend on the phone and another honest friend on facebook who told me she struggles too. I realized that I didn’t need advice, but validation and support. The validation I had received from two of my many friends (interesting how so many dished out advice instead of encouragement) was wonderful, but I knew what I really needed was the same from my higher power. I needed to chase out the darkness with light.

At about 3 o’clock while watching Abigail nap on the couch, I had this overwhelming want for the same. Even though I knew I wasn’t really tired, I just wanted to escape.

I thought of all the friends’ earlier advice about taking time for myself and knew that although that advice was good, it wasn’t a long-term solution to finding peace and joy being home.

I went to my room and got down on my knees. I prayed to God, “I’m really struggling today God, show me the better way.”

I can’t explain it, but I got up from that prayer with an increased desire to serve my family. I decided I would iron LG’s work shirts. Because I quit my job we don’t have enough money this week for dry cleaning. Ironing is my most detested household chores. LG needed work shirts for training this week and I could be a help to him or ignore it and make him do it himself. I was shocked at how the ironing didn’t seem to be so dreadful. With each of the five shirts I felt an increased sense of happiness and love. I was choosing this for myself and God was there to do his magic. My resentment disintegrated with every puff of steam.

While ironing I pondered on the verse, “Come unto me all ye who are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” I wasn’t angry that I couldn’t afford to dry clean, but I was noticeably supported and enabled.

Wow. I didn’t know it could be that easy.

I then decided to serve my kids. I normally would try to avoid Caroline by doing the soccer carpool while leaving her home with her other two sisters. Instead I took her with me and we played at the park while waiting for the after-soccer commute. She was noticeably more delightful. (Caroline can be super high maintenance) She happily played and even let me sit and read for a bit.

I smiled while watching her interact with another boy on the playground saying, “Hey kid, come and get me.” As she adventured around the cement curbing, it took me back to when I was a kid and would do the same. From where I sat, I turned around to see Abigail out at the front in her soccer drills, and I swelled with pride. I marveled, “So this is what they call joy in my posterity.” Thanks be to God.

As the evening came to a close I was actually excited to spend an hour on folding the basket-full of socks that have been ignored for about a month. I turned on a movie which touched my heart and vowed to fold socks weekly and take some TV time for myself – it was actually a break. As I walked back to my room for bed I checked in on each of the girls. As I saw them sleeping comfortably I felt a full measure of joy at just the thought that they are all mine. By the time I got to my room, I felt compelled to my knees to thank God for my beautiful blessings. I haven’t felt like that in a long time, and I certainly don’t feel like that enough when it comes to my kids.

Yesterday, God made all the difference in my life. He literally took me from a dark place where I didn’t want to be to the place where “all my troubles seemed so far away”.

Rescued after 15 years, 6 months, 26 days

Take two llamas.

They are totally different from each other.

One is a pasty white blonde boy from the Bible belt

who is extremely intelligent, mild-mannered, and a lovely person.

The other looks almost Mexican (even though she isn’t)

is from Southern California

and is fun-loving, a total control freak, and crazy like a fox.

They are both Mormon llamas

and they have a lot of the same interests

the outdoors, music, family, education, spirituality, and playing volleyball.

These are the two llamas.

Just for the sake of the story.

They met on their Mormon missions.

They love each other very much.

One day they just knew they had to get married,

so they started making plans.

The boy llama being the shy kid that he was

never proposed

and the girl llama orchestrated every detail of their lives

and was then resentful that they boy

never proposed.

15 years, 6 months, and 26 days later

they land themselves in the

office of the marriage counselor.

Again.

They tell their story of

love and marriage

and how the boy llama

had another semester of college

to go in another state

and the girl llama

was all stressed out

and they just got hitched in 10 days.

The girl llama says

“I was a mess, I started freaking out.”

The boy llama said

“I married her instead of finishing my semester

because I didn’t want to lose her.”

The marriage counselor llama

says

“Aw, that is so sweet.

In your own screwed up way

you let him rescue you.

How romantic.”

The girl llama

was like

“Why the heck did I stay up

all night

crying

when

watched

Ever After

wondering

why I sold out

to the ultimate

love story?”

Isn’t he cute?

Daddy’s Baby

I guess LG had been trying

to grow his hair out again.

I hadn’t noticed

until a few days ago he

lamented to me,

“Alice, I forget how far back

my hair has receded

until I grow it out.”

Bad for LG.

Good for me.

I love his hair buzzed.

Imagine my surprise

today

when Caroline

brought this photo to me

and said,

“Mom this is so strange.

Dad doesn’t have pokey hair.”

LG I guess

you are going to have to

keep

your

hokey pokey

style.

We’re you trying

to grow it out

at hopes of

revisiting

those newlywed days?

Better luck next time.

Romance for Poor People

LBJ and LadyBird courted over 90 love letters
and we can read them online here.
I know what I will be doing all afternoon:
reading real romance for free.
The love letters are
living proof
that you can have romance
at the price of a few stamps.

LG and I have an honorary membership in
America’s newest poor class.

The middle class is taking some serious hits.

Add in four kids to the mix,

and it was time for a frugal

Valentine’s Day.

LG and I started a new Valentine’s tradition.

We each got $10 to spend on each other

at our favorite local Dollar Tree.

I made up a package called “Dreams come true” for LG.

I used some of his favorite things

and added in some dream hearts explaining.

– He loves lemon juice in his water.

(I wish I could make all your lemons into lemonade)

– A toy stuff basketball

(I wish I was always your soft place to land)

– Toy airplanes

(I wish I could take you on a getaway)

– His favorite gel pens

(I wish I could do all your work for you)

– Sugar-free candy for the diabetic

(I wish you could eat as much sugar as you wanted)

– A McDonald’s giftcard for the man

who loves breakfast

and is married to a lazy breakfast chef.

(I wish I could hire you a breakfast fairy)

LG wasn’t quite as cutesy, of course,

but it was still so fun to see what he picked out.

He knows me well.

And isn’t that what Valentine’s is about?

thinking of each other

and showing that you know one another

better than anyone else.

I feel loved

just knowing

that LG knows me.

I’m a huge believer that gifts don’t have to cost a lot of money.

My dad talked at my Grandma Dorothy’s funeral
about how she would always pick up little things
here and there and the five and dime to show
that she loved you.
One of his favorite gifts:
a portable toothpick holder.
That is one of the things he remembered
most at her funeral.

I love Valentine’s Day. It may be my favorite.
I also love the love language of gift-giving.
I look forward to all of our future
Dollar Tree romances.

And for the record,
last night we got a tray of
chicken nuggets from
Chik-fil-a
wrote off all the evening
activities
and sat home as a family
and watched
Pirates of the Caribbean.
It was pure bliss.