FunnyBlog

The Trenchcoat
I was pretty stoked when I found this trenchcoat 
at the thriftstore a while back.
Did you know that it has a special pocket on the inside for a gun?
My hubby is the one that explained that to me.

I was just thinking how my hubby
would love for me to show up at his workplace
with just the trenchcoat.
If I packed a gun along with it,
I do believe it would make me 50% more sexy.

I got a free item with my purchase.
Of course I picked a book.

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Happy Valentine’s Day y’all.
I dare one of you to go to your husband’s workplace in just a trenchcoat.
Let me know how it turns out.

Sorry LG.
All you get is another dumb poem.

There are days.

There are days I want to strip down
and arrive at your workplace in
nothing but a trenchcoat,
but then I remember that you have co-workers.

There are days that I look at our children
and think how amazing we are
and how our posterity is the finest
and then I remember that they screw up,
but they are still the best kids ever.

There are days I can only feel love.
A love so consuming that I feel nothing else at all.
All I can think of is you with your arms around me
and then I remember how that actually feels
 to my skin
and it makes me love even deeper
which I never think is possible.

There are days I want to scream at you
because you frustrate me to no end.
Why don’t you do everything the way
I do everything?
And then I remember that you do the taxes,
and the technical support, and the math homework
and I am grateful that we are different.

There are days that I wonder where you are.
Are you in a man cave or another universe?
You retreat often inside yourself
because you are introverted and overwhelmed.
And then I remember what a great listener you are
which really helps me because I am the talker.

There are days in the distant past
(and hopefully many more in the future)
that the world consisted of just you and me
and we laid around and did nothing
but be together
and I remember those times as
the absolute best.
Ever.

There are days that are swallowed up in the busies.
And you and I run around serving our kids
our co-workers, and neighbors and friends
and we don’t have a second to think about ourselves
or each other.
And at the end of the day,
it’s all we can do to sneak in a good night kiss
and mumble an “I love you”
before the night turns into dreams
and I remember that I missed you
all day long.

There are days.
Many many days.
And hopefully many many more.
Where you and I are in love.
Through the think and the thin.
The wrong and the right.
The counseling and therapies.
And lessons learned and mistakes made.
The tired and the awake.
The kids and the jobs.
The cats and the dogs.
The sick and the health.
The sane and the crazy.
The summers and falls.
And winters and springs.
The basketball practices and dance lessons.
And doctor appointments and lunch breaks.
The afternoon delights and faraway business trips.
The jokes and the tears.
The broken down cars and the puking kids on flights.
The campfires and lightning bugs.
The mountains and hills.
The lakes and the oceans.
The hotels and pools.
The woods and the downtowns.
The pounds lost and the delicious treats.
The Christmases and birthdays,
and Easters and Flag Days.
The scripture readings and temple trips.
The vacations and lack thereof.

But really all those days
make up for the most beautiful thing ever.
Me and you.
Sharing the days.

Because through it all
we can count on one thing
and that is that
There are the days.
And they are ours.

Little Orphan Annie
While I was growing up,
my sisters and I loved Little Orphan Annie.
We didn’t just like it, we were obsessed with it.
I guess we kind of wished we had a Daddy Warbucks too.
Even though we had great parents,
we wanted Daddy Warbucks’ house.
And Pun-jab.
We also wanted to dance like that
and sing like that.
One thing bothered me about the movie though.
I know, I can only think of one thing. Weird.
Little Orphan Annie’s rat tail.
Imagine my surprise when Caroline was sportin’ the same “do” last night.
I cringed all up inside.
My little girl Alice wanted to brush it and make it right.
Yeah, I am weird.
And a little obsessive.
Even orphans deserve good hair.
Especially if they are on TV.
This video is for my little sister Renee.
I want her to know that I finally forgive her
for placing the VHS Annie in the VCR
with peanut butter all over her hands.
And like Annie taught,
there is always tomorrow.
And this tomorrow we will be watching Annie on DVD.
And the next tomorrow we may even have Blu-Ray.

Did I tell you my new secret obsession?
I want to make Caroline famous.
She deserves to be the modern day Shirley Temple.
She is sooo dang cute.

If we dyed her hair red she could play Rosie.
And if LG lost 80 pounds and grew his hair out he could sooo be Matt Damon.
I guess Abigail will have to play Scarlett Johansen
since I am nowhere near close.
Man, all we need is a zoo.
See it always goes back to Daddy Warbucks.

(We loved the movie by the way,
but beware there is a lot of language)

The Break Up
I broke up with my blog.
But I can’t seem to let it go completely.
During the day I find myself remembering the good times
and the bad.
I think of funny things I want to write
or things that are happening that I don’t want to forget,
but then I remember that I broke up with you my dear blog.
I don’t need you anymore.
I am doing fantastic.
I don’t need the dream of thousands of people being interested in what I have to say.
I gave it up.
I grew content with the simple life that I have.
But then I remember all my friends who I miss.
Their comments brightened so many of my dark days.
I wonder how they are doing
because even though none of them were as public about it
they seem to have survived breakups of their own.
They no longer come to talk to me through the internet
because I think they grew content with their lives too.
I guess we are all getting older.
Or more feministic. 
That isn’t a word.
 I love it when I make up words.
And then I chuckle thinking about another reason why I miss my blog.
The blog was a lot of things for me,
but the one thing I miss the most about it
was its ability to connect me with my friends.
My blog was a place for them to come and tell me
that they are right there with me.
They get me.
They were so happy that I dared admit things others wouldn’t.
It was a place for me to laugh.
And cry.
And get my fingers moving
when I didn’t want to write.
Now all I have is my i-phone
and even though it is a cool new boyfriend,
like the star quarterback kind
it’s not the same.
I miss my lowly little homely blog.
He always got me.
He always made me smile.
And he always validated me.
But gosh darnet, I am with the star quarterback now,
I don’t need validation.
Back to my couch to play some more words with friends
and forget about the fact that my creative outlet won’t ever let me take him back.
If the new and improved me who is worthy of dating the star quarterback just wasn’t counting calories 
maybe I could fill my temporary lonliness with oreos and milk tonight.
Alice, get it together. You are dating the star quarterback.
Have you noticed that I haven’t even changed my masthead?
Psh.
But I am reading my scriptures every day.
Cultivating my relationship with my Savior.
Running three times a week.
Counting calories.
Occasionally posting on my other blog.
Working two nights a week.
And spending way too much time with my quarterback.
Therefore the deeper blog separation and the excuse for only reading one book so far all year.
I believe it is time for another break up.

Toddler survival
Last Sunday, we found out last minute that it was one of Caroline’s nursery teacher’s birthday. 
(Is that too many possessives in one sentence?)
Anyway, you know how we feel about Sabbath worship, so we couldn’t go to the store to get her a gift.
While having my Sunday nap, I woke up to an idea for a gift. I scrounged around the house to find appropriate pieces and made a homemade batch of cookies to include.
I thought the gift turned out cute even though it was completely made from stuff we found around the house.
And let’s face it, we all could use some tricks up our sleeves to survive the toddler years.

Life is like a race

So, today I ran my first ever 5k. In November I decided that I would train. I wouldn’t call myself a couch potato but to put things into perspective, when I started training running a full lap was beyond difficult.

My initial train, just 2 months ago, it took me 49 minutes to run the 3.1 miles. Today I clocked in at 34 minutes. I was pretty proud of myself.

As I ran today my thoughts wandered through the life lessons I have learned as of late and how the race today was metaphorical.

I want to share just a few.

Go your own pace. Don’t worry about what other people are doing, it does absolutely no good to try and be someone you are not.

Don’t try to go too fast but push yourself to always improve.

When a girl who isn’t wearing shoes passes you, don’t even pay attention because at the end of the race she will be nowhere near you and it won’t matter.

Getting to the top of the hill is always way more rewarding than cruising to the bottom because it’s at the top that you have reason to be proud that you never gave up.

When climbing the hill, just tell yourself how strong you are while simultaneously praying whole-heartedly to God to make you stronger.

When you pass someone up just know that in another 50 feet they may be passing you.

When you are climbing the hill, the right thing to do is encourage the others who are also climbing, even if they aren’t as fast. So don’t ever EVER get full of yourself.

Live life like runners do with each other. Worry about yourself and encourage everyone else to do their best. When other people are better than you, be happy for them, and be humble enough to learn from them.

When you are climbing the hill, you don’t care where your cheerleaders are in their understanding of your pain or progress, you are just so grateful they are there.

It’s much more emotionally healthy to live with the voice in your head who is congratulating yourself for how far you have come over the voice that tries to creep in and tell you that you still have so much more to improve.

Without your training, there is no need to join the race.

Sometimes watching your own feet is what you have to do because if you really see the whole hill you’ll give up. God knows this about you and that is why he doesn’t give you all the answers just because you think you want them.

Surround yourself with positivity, it’s the people who can tell you that you can do it that will be partially responsible when you do.

The end is awesome, but it is really just another beginning with a little more knowledge and a lot more accountability.

If the race is hard and you need a nap, take one.

Run the race for you and no one else.

If you have pain, acknowledge it, do what you can to change it, and plow through it because it will go away….eventually.

Who cares what you look like, it’s all about how you feel.

The floor

I remember vividly my little brother and sisters setting up that big old luggy VHS video camera and recording commercials.

They were so silly even though they were trying to be very very professional about the whole thing. They were convinced that their cereal commercial was wayyyy better than the “Mikey likes it” marketing campaign.

When I found this video done by Abigiail a few years back it took me straight back to my mom’s kitchen table in the 80’s.

Children truly are an heritage of the Lord.

And my source of greatest joy along with my Jesus and my husband.

My Man w/o a Middle Name

I love LeGrand Gold. I wish he was given a middle name so that I could say that I love LeGrand _______ Gold because that would seem so much more official.

I do love you LeGrand LG Gold. I hope you enjoy your new given middle name since that is what I mostly call you by anyway. I am so proud to be your wife.

I wrote about my man while sitting at church a while back. This blog seems like as good of a place as any to copy my words for the posterity.

Please ignore if you are single or just mad at your hubby. I don’t want to add to your pain. Just know that I have been single and mad at my hubby plenty. It’s just that right now I can’t imagine my life without the total complete insane love that I feel at this moment and so many others. I am one lucky lucky girl.

I look around the room. One dad takes a screaming toddler out while his wife sits looking relieved for a break and for her partner in parenting and I realize that you are him. 

Then I look straight across the way and I see another dad holding a newborn baby tenderly and I remember how much I love it when you hold a baby. You seem so much stronger in those tender moments. You are the protector for our little ones and the protector of me when I let you be.

I see the teenage boy excitedly taking notes and I think of you and doodling your L’s and your G’s in a boxy font so they array the way you like and I think of your special experience about the Savior of mankind and I thank God for it and how it has given you the courage to keep trying day after day. 

I look up at the Bishopric and remember the days when I was honored the privilege of seeing you lead with humility and devotion. 

I see the father with the teenage daughter and marvel that I did such an amazing job of picking a father for our very lucky daughters. You are a father that is fun, involved, kind and oh-so loving. 

Yes, LG, the 80% of you that is beautiful trumps the 20% that is still learning. 

I love you LG.


Redneck Caroline
We’ve been having all kinds of fun with our four new idevices.
We are so grateful to LG for spoiling us rotten this Christmas.
Abigail and I got i phones
and
Sophia and Bella got i pod touches.
The girls now sit right across from each other
facetiming one another
like they no longer know how to have a conversation without a device in between them.
We are all glued to our screens.
We have everything at our fingertips at all times:
free music, games, books, notepads, cameras, dictionary, google.
You name it, it’s in there.
It has been absolutely ridiculous how much we already rely on these things.
We have even adjusted our family scripture study around them.
We now have the kids read a chapter ahead of time,
on their i device, of course, 
because that somehow makes it much more fun than the regular paper Bible.
They make notes on their gospel library app as they read.
We then get together and discuss what everyone learned.
It is awesome.
Totally awesome.
Our scripture study has never been better.
We are truly likening the scriptures to our own lives.
I have been floored at the insight our kids have gained.
If I would have known what would have transformed from getting
i stuff, I would have done it a long time ago.
Of course, we have also been having a lot of fun.
Check out the juicyfruit sweet talk app.
Hilarious.
Absolutely hilarious.
Please disregard my overly obnoxious laugh at the end.

Reading
Yesterday, a good friend e-mailed me asking about my reading habits.
She thinks the fact that I read 50 books last year is astounding.
Funny, I think it’s a pathetic number.
This friend asked for tips on how she (a slacker reader)
can reach her goal this year of 20 books.
Of course I have some suggestions,
but let me begin with a disclaimer.
Reading is my thing.
Some of you have exercise, housekeeping, or crafting.
I could ask you the same…
how the heck did you run a marathon, wash your windows 5 times, or sew 85 million bags?
I do exercise, house-keep and even have a sparse crafty moment from time to time,
but not as much as most of you, I promise.
Some of you may have exercise, housekeeping, crafting, AND reading, but I guarantee you have other issues and the rest of us don’t need to hear from you unless you are gonna admit it.
So, the first and most important answer is love yourself for who you are.
You may not read as much as me, but I don’t look as good as you…you get the drift.
We all have strengths and weaknesses. 
One of my strengths is reading, and it may be your weakness.
But, just know we are both (commendably) working towards perfection in our own areas.
That being said, here are a few suggestions for those of you who are working on making reading a strength.
First of all, reading is lifestyle at our house.
Every night before bed, you can see every single member of my family looking like this:

Funny, I had drafted these photos to write about long before my friend’s inquiry.
Our bedtime allows for a half an hour of reading every night and that goes for LG and I also.
Second, take a book with you wherever you go.
You will be surprised how all that time standing in lines or hanging out on the sidelines will add up.
Most of my family members have a book in hand if they know they are going somewhere with a potential for boredom. Reference this old post about Sophia at the soccer field.
Third, read what you like. If you are trying to challenge yourself to read more, don’t start with The Scarlett Letter. Read what you like. You will find yourself reading more when it’s easy to be drawn into the storyline. I personally only challenge myself with “more difficult or out of my preferred genre” a couple of times a year or if I am getting paid. 
Fourth, use your downtime for putting your nose in a book. I will admit to using a lot of my Christmas break sitting on the couch reading. And summer is the best time to really crank out half of your yearly goal.If you read only at the pool next summer, I guarantee you will be able to finish a book a week.
Fifth, make a weekly stop to the library habit. You will be happy with how much a good librarian can help you find something that you will enjoy reading.
Sixth, books on tape, are man’s best friend. Whenever we go on a long trip, we always make sure we have books on tape. LG even figured out how to play books from his kindle over our FM transmitter. Awesome stuff.
Seven, read together. Get into a bookclub that will help you stay focused. Or read aloud as a family together. Right now, our family is reading the Little House on the Prairie series. It has been so fun to read and discuss how we are similar to the Ingalls family. (They lost their dog on their trek west too).

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