under
Almost Monochromatic
under
Does love really hurt?
You know who you are.
This song is for you.
I’m sorry.
I will try to love better.
If ever I can get through college
and earn that super coveted
Bachelor of Arts
I would like to teach English
so that I can have the summers off
with my kids.
And someday I will also write
my novel
and use the education
to help me.
Until then,
I can just ponder
on the power of words
and why I love them so much.
Thanks to the kid-president
for my pep-talk today.
I needed this.
Just two days ago I vowed to myself
to stay off facebook this week,
but right now I am really glad
that my self-will is weak
so that I could find this
in my hour of need.
Whenever I need a pep-talk
the most, it’s always out there for me to find.
For the past week,
I’ve been venturing back
into the college world.
My meeting with my
English Department counselor
was discouraging.
I have to retake the ACT,
which scares this girl
with an extreme case of math/science
aversion to DEATH.
It’s not like I did so smoking hot
the first time
and it is like I’ve been out of
school for 10 years.
Who knew an ACT expired?
Yes, I am that old.
To add an extra measure
of anxiety,
the aforementioned meeting
with the counselor
ran a little late
making me 10 minutes
late to pick up Caroline
from pre-school.
I had to use some of
my very protected blogging money
to buy the pre-school teacher
a gift-card to go along
with my begging for forgiveness.
You see, she had loaded up Caroline
in her car so she could
take her daughter to kindergarten
as I was that late.
Lucky for me
our vans converged at the
end of her street
and I was able to fetch Caroline
before she was whisked away
from my knowledge.
Whereas my total nervous
breakdown was avoided by a hair,
but left me second guessing
my decision to go back to college.
How can a mom of 4
ever pull this off?
Really it seems impossible.
It seems too insane to even attempt.
My plates are already overflowing
like thanksgiving at 2 p.m.
Do I really want to add pie
before I’ve had time
for the rest to digest?
But the kid president came to my rescue.
For which I am grateful.
I can do this.
Yes I can.
I’m gonna dance myself
all the way through
to that very coveted Bachelor Degree.
Or at least pretend
it’s dancing
when it really will be me
running around
like a chicken with my head cut off.
Come to think of it,
that’s kind of what my dancing looks like
anyways
might as well get something for it.
Before the Dawn by Dean Hughes
My rating: 4 of 5 stars
I forgot how much I love Dean Hughes as an author. I haven’t read anything of his in quite sometime, but I am so glad that I found this book at the local library. It was so touching and inspiring.
This historical fiction book, even though focused on the LDS women’s organization called Relief Society, can be enjoyed by people of all faiths. The greater story told is the power of womanhood, and the importance of community: loving and caring for one another. Community works best when it consists of people who all want to give but are willing to humble themselves to take once in a while too.
I cried a lot while reading this book. I took an emotional journey with the fictional small Utah town during the Great Depression. I personally related to the main character: a hard-nosed independent stick her foot in her mouth Relief Society President. In the book she was described by a friend as a coconut: all hard on the outside but all milk/meat on the inside. I also related a lot to many of the other women in the book: the ones living in poverty, the ones living with means, and especially the ones living in desperation.
Mostly this book made me proud to be a part of the greatest women’s organization in the world: The Relief Society. It reminded me of so much good that is accomplished world-wide and it brought to the surface of my heart all the good that has been done in my personal life because of my associations with good women.
I highly recommend this book to be read by all women everywhere. I love how Hughes always ties in his historical facts so well. I mostly love how he masterfully tells stories of humanity. The characters in this book will stay with me for a long time. I hope they will whisper to me in the moments when I need to be reminded to let down my pride, to reach out and help others, and especially when I need to try and understand better my enemies.

Here is Abigail’s
50’s outfit
she threw together
for a dress up day
back in Fall.
She is pretty amazing.
She is our go-to girl
for all things
fashion, hair, and make-up.
I so appreciate that she has taken on this role as it’s not one that I want. At all. This girl loves clothes and shoes. I took her to a half-off day at the thrift store on Monday and she picked out nothing. I went to check her temperature and she said, “Mom, I really am getting a handle on my shopping addiction.” I do take pride that as a mother we have created a family where open communication is not just encouraged but valued above mostly anything else. I want nothing more than real for me and my little family. Sometimes it can be painful to navigate through the real, but anything less would be a life of denial and fake.
This year Abigail took a Tech class at school where she as the only girl learned the beginnings of engineering.
She was really good at it and kept right up with all the male students. Her teacher sang her praises to me. That’s my Abigail. She refuses to conform to society’s norms. She says she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up. She loves to dissect things. I do believe she can do it. Even though she’s not inherently organized she is extremely disciplined when she chooses to be and she is as bright as her hero Einstein.
Abigail is athletic She lives for soccer. She is a great runner: fast. She is fun to watch on the field as she can always catch any other player even from halfway down the field. She makes a great mid-fielder. She got the PE award at school last year. This may seem kind of funny when you consider how smart this girl is, but it’s totally perfect as she loves healthy living. She loves to be active, she will be the first to tell you when she needs to move. Moving helps keep her ADHD in control and so Abigail takes PE at school if she has holes to fill. When Abigail was a toddler her favorite foods were milk and salad. She continues to live in this tradition: eating the healthy choice over the non-healthy 9 times out of 10. LG and I watch her green with envy whenever she eats dessert. She can eat whatever she wants and has to focus on weight gain. No fair!
She also loves music. She loves to sing in choir and she can always be found attached to her iTunes watching YouTube videos, or plunking away on our piano. She is so much like her dad in the smarts that I forget that she is also a lot like me too. She is teaching herself how to play piano just like I did (she, like me, doesn’t have the patience to take lessons.)
She is also a total extrovert. She gets her social side from me. She gets her easy-going from her dad. She is learning to have more meaningful relationships and to be more considerate of others’ feelings. In one way the fact that she is wired without an overabundance of emotion is really nice: 1.less drama and 2.she makes her way fine in a man’s world, but in another way it has been a challenge as Abigail struggles to understand other people with an overabundance of emotion. She forgets that people have feelings. It is so fun to watch her with her best friend Katie who we love and adore and would adopt if we could. We so appreciate Katie’s total acceptance and loyalty to Abigail. It has been the driving force behind Abigail trying to learn to be more kind: she will never admit it but I think she wants to be like Katie in this regard.
Abigail is gorgeous which means that there is always a plethora of boys trying to vie for her attention. She is only 13 1/2 and has been dragged into the world of boys too soon for her own good. She has had two experiences where she has let boys too close and then felt suffocated. From a mother’s point of view this is a good thing, but it has also been hard to see Abigail trying to make sense of it all. I guess that is the part that makes letting your kids grow up the hardest: you don’t want them to hurt and you don’t want your kids to hurt others. It seems though that Abigail has learned a lot about herself from those experiences and that is all a mother can ask for really.
Take it all away. Say Abigail gets into a life-changing accident where she no longer is pretty or athletic or smart, what is she? I have thought about this often. One of Abigail’s life challenges is being praised for her abilities, it seems to mess with her sense of worth. She feels a pressure to live up to her picture perfect expectations. In fact this year at school when she had an assignment in choir to go out of her comfort zone for a week, Abigail chose to wear sweats and no make-up to let go of her perfect image. Thank you to good teachers who really teach the important things in life, this is a project that will stay with Abigail forever. I hope she will learn to be true to herself and her morals and never do anything just for the sake of people pleasing.
Here are some inherent personality traits of Abigail:
curious
open-minded
determined
creative
hands on
energetic
adventurous
fun
funny
detail-oriented
risk-taker
courageous
analytical
observant
spontaneous
capable
durable
I love my Abigail. We adore her. We know she has it hard being the oldest but we so appreciate the example that she sets for her sisters. I am so proud to have such a capable daughter. I know she will be able to accomplish anything she wants to do and I can’t wait to see all that her life will hold. I just kind of hope that sometime somewhere down the road her and I will be able to take some cool adventures together. If I have to travel I want Abigail to come with me. She can figure out anything. She’s plain awesome.
You know how in passing we say “take care.”
Yeah, you’ve said it.
You’ve heard it.
Do you mean it when you say it?
Do you really hope others will take care of themselves?
Do you really do it?
When someone tells you to take care,
do you really take care of yourself?
As a codependent I used to think it was my job
to take care of everyone and everything.
I was always sticking my nose in other peoples’ business.
Yes, peoples is plural.
I tried to control others.
I would serve them to make them love me
or to change them
or just to be in control.
I had no idea I was doing it
but I was.
Then I gained awareness
and I’ve tried really hard to change me ways.
So now I try not to excessively worry about other people,
(it’s still a work in progress)
and I also try a lot harder to worry
about the only thing that was in
my control all along: me, myself and I.
Several years ago I made a very conscious decision
that I was going to take care of me.
That little decision has made me a much happier person.
Not only did it free me from the things that weighed me down and were out of my control,
but it changed my focus completely.
I am always asking myself what I need now.
I don’t rely on everyone else to make me happy,
I just try to have a healthy self dialogue to honestly assess my needs
and then I go out and get what I need.
I never used to do that
and then I would be all resentful that nobody was taking care of me.
Half the time I didn’t know what I needed
and half the time I did, but I would wait for someone else
to magically show up and give it to me.
In this case there is no such thing as magic.
Of course I was too afraid to look inward
and realize that the blame lied with me,
and not on the others who couldn’t work magic
and so I walked around with a chip
on my shoulder all of the time.
I was mad all of the time.
Nobody cared about me.
Boo hoo hoo.
Now I can graciously accept it when others love me
because I no longer have the excessive need to be loved
and I don’t expect people to work magic
like in the past.
I appreciate their love and want it,
but I don’t have an excessive need for it.
I have the one thing that I really need most:
I love myself.
I take care of myself.
Two days ago
I found this little gem below
on the ground next to
our pile of backpacks.
One of my daughters
had been writing about me at school.
It made my century.
One – someone else notices that I can take care of myself.
Two – that person is one of the people I want to be a good example for most.
Three – She knows it is safe to say that I have flaws because we all do.
Four – She didn’t dwell on the flaws. Thank goodness.
I wish Michael Jackson would have taken care of himself.
I did receive a copy of this book in exchange for my review,
but like always I gave you my honest opinion.
10 Questions to Answer While Preparing for a Mission by Benjamin Hyrum White
My rating: 4 of 5 stars
This little how-to book should be given to every perspective Mormon missionary long before they serve. It is full of nuggets of wisdom from the author (who also teaches seminary), church leaders, and scripture. It is a great guide that can be followed with ease. As a returned missionary, I absolutely agree with everything that is preached from its pages and I look forward to gifting my copy to my soon-to-serve nephew or niece, if I can stand to part with it. I may have to buy them their own copy and I am sure it won’t be the last. (Can I just input here how much I love how recent church policy changes have made it as likely for one of my neices in college to serve a mission as it is for my nephew who is a freshman at BYU?)
At $9 it would also make a perfect companion for that tie you already bought for your future missionary. The book can be useful for young people who need to hear what is expected of them: to be worthy to serve someday. It will also be equally helpful to those serving: reminding them of their great privilege and duty to preach the gospel of Jesus Christ and how to really measure their success even if they never baptize anyone. And last but not least it contains helpful hints to the returned missionary: get a job, go to college, endure to the end.
I rarely give a 4 star rating to books that I’ve been invited to review, but this one absolutely deserves it. I assume that the market for this paperback is a little smaller than most being that it is written for LDS missionaries, so that means that I need to be that much more adamant in telling you that every missionary needs a copy (even those senior couples.) It really is full of great advice and one will feel the spirit of God testifying of its wisdom as they read. What more could an author hope for? Well done, Brother White.
You can purchase the book at Deseret Book,
Seagull Book (sorry Seagull couldn’t find a link), or Amazon.
Here’s a little bit more about the author:
Benjamin Hyrum White was born and raised in the San Francisco Bay Area. He labored in the Colorado Denver North Mission and was employed at the MTC during college. Ben met his wife, Keenan, while they both were dancing with the International Folk Dance Ensemble at BYU. They each graduated from BYU with a degree in Family Science. Brother White is a seminary teacher and recently received his master’s degree in religious education from BYU, where he wrote the history of Preach My Gospel. Ben and Keenan reside in Orem, Utah, with their four children.